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Discord Deploys Yellow Submarines Against ISIS

Flagstaff, AZ—A long time ago in central Pennsylvania I left a bar called Sal Assante’s to find the streets filled with brawling people. Not knowing what to do, I started instinctively singing The Beatle’s Yellow Submarine. This seemed to pause the violence as everyone kind of stopped punching each other to look at the crazy person. Yesterday, I employed…

Children Of The Corny Turning On Trump? Will Iowa Be Trump’s Waterloo?

Halloween 2015 finds Donald Trump spooked and crashing back to Earth like Wild E. Coyote meets Icarus meets a certain David Bowie movie. Polls show Ben Carson topping Trump as much as 14% in the state that holds the first key challenge. The Donald is hoping to change his fortunes there, but as he tours through the…

Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope

Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope

London, UK—The Royal Family is denying allegations the backup plan for the happy couple’s big day involved a Las Vegas chapel wedding.  A WikiLeaks document reveals the alternative ceremony involved an Elvis impersonator performing the nuptials, and the entertainment included two members from the Blue Man Group, Penn, of Penn and Teller fame, as well as the tiger that ate Roy. 

The top secret document reveals a list of pros and cons to holding the wedding covertly in Vegas without media coverage.  Some of the pros included: Item 27: save enough cash to send 20,000 of our citizens to college, Item 35: If Prince Harry drops his pants, less of an audience, Item 56: That Cuban sandwich place north of the Stratosphere.  Item 112: the money saved on security alone would be enough to send the entire Royal Family into space on one of Richard Branson’s new spaceships.  Under the cons column were nearly as many entries: Item 12: parking is a bitch, Item 161: the shilling would not work in a massage bed, and Item 30: the next morning Prince Harry might be married to one of the Blue Man Group.

Less security was also a plus as Prince William would have been disguised as Hunter S. Thompson and Kate Middleton planned to dress as Snooki.  The overnight accommodations were at the luxurious Vegas Chalet Motel.  The motel “package” came complete with the aforementioned coin operated massaging beds and a complimentary mojito at nearby Frankies Tiki Room (a favorite destination of “Vegas Great” Bald Tony).

“The mojito almost won the day,” admitted Queen Elizabeth.  “I mean, we never considered Vegas.”

Frankies Tiki Room

Scandal Quest: Would the Real Scandal Please Stand Up

Mick Zano

I would rather be inside a besieged embassy right now donning a certain Danish cartoon T-shirt than discussing Benghazi again, but if six months of endless headlines haven’t really netted you anything meaningful, please stop. People with a reading comprehension above a squirrel don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Make love not scandals. Besides, new scandals are emerging with teeth. Clue Alert: they’re being covered by something called “the media”.

Republicans Demand Muppet Segregation

Republicans Demand Muppet Segregation

Washington, DC—Heartland Congressman, William Marshall, is calling for the immediate banishment of all Muppets and all citizens who test positive for the Muppet gene. Marshall is not alone, as most real Americans feel Muppets are not real, nor are they Americans.

“They aren’t like us. They’re dangerous,” said Marshall, an avid X-men fan. “We should identify all of them immediately and send them to that island off the coast of Africa with the rest of the Brotherhood of Mutants.”

Sarah Palin also joked about hunting Muppets from her helicopter.

“My fellow Americans are right about the need to sepregate these things from the general population,” said Palin. Her staff then spent the rest of the night desperately trying to add the word sepregate to Wikipedia.

Radio television personality, Rush Limbaugh, believes, “It’s the job of the government to keep its citizens safe from any and all threats domestic and Fozzy.” Limbaugh differs, however, on where to send them. “The Land of Misfit Toys near the North Pole will suffice. Let Santa Claus deal with these Henson genegineered monstrosities!”

Statism And Zano’s Eight-Point Plan For State Centralized Control

Statism is the common feature all systems of Tyrannical Powers of Centralized Control whether they be fascist communist or social dictatorship. It is also the economic regulation of private industry by the state. Mick Zano has done us the great favor of outlining his eight-point plan for implementing a state system of centralized control. Stop…

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