Not Over? Kasich Determined To Take Final Concession Speech All The Way To The Convention


Columbus, OH—The Governor of Ohio, John Kasich, still plans to suspend his campaign, but he promises to deliver a second and final concession speech that “will last all the way until the convention in July.” Senator Kasich told the press today, “This isn’t officially over until I say it is. And my plan is to take a long, long time to say that.”

Critics were quick to condemn the maneuver as a political stunt, but Kasich was quick to respond, “The convention is being held in Ohio and I am from Ohio. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I could be there, in like, an hour easy. Look, I prayed to Ted Cruz’s God and I am convinced there is some kind of divine intervention convention thingie occurring here #NeverTrump.”

Senator Kasich explained, “Remember Ted Cruz’s 2013 filibuster from the floor? I was the one who brought him the pillow and the Dasani. Incidentally, the whole 21 hours is available on YouTube now in twenty minute chunks. Inspired by Ted’s determination, I have decided to give a second doozy of a filibuster style-concession speech.”

When asked about the dangers of talking for over two months straight, Kasich said, “This is not unprecedented, remember when Neil Patrick Harris hosted the Oscars? I spoke to Dr. Ben Carson and, as a brain surgeon with a rare form of narcocandidacy, apparently there are ways politicians can nap while speaking.”

Dr. Ben Carson later confirmed his diagnosis with the Daily Discord and added, “I got a bump in the polls after the third debate, and I don’t even remember the third debate. And I felt well rested the next day. If I were President I could take that 3AM phone call without batting lash, well, my lashes would actually be moving rapidly, because, while relaying the nuclear codes I would be in a form of REM sleep.” The interview abruptly ended as Dr. Carson began both mumbling and snoring simultaneously. Dr. Carson later described that phenomenon as snumbling, a tactic he is he currently teaching Mr. Kasich’s for his upcoming 65 day concession speech.



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