Washington, DC—To the horror of onlookers, President Barack Hussein Obama sent a flare hurdling toward our national Christmas tree at the onset of the tree lighting ceremony. Obama cackled maniacally as the 31-foot-tall Colorado blue spruce burst into flames.
The President later told the press, “I am not running for office again, which allows me to focus more of my energy and attention toward the War on Christmas.”
In related news, heightened security for Santa is believed to have thwarted at least one atheist terrorist cell plot targeting the Macy’s Day Parade. Homeland Security claims the group plotted to both egg and toilet paper the jolly old elf for what they are calling “crimes against secularism.”
As one of his final actions as Mayor, Michael Bloomberg boosted security and ordered NYPD to use lethal means should the President come within two blocks of Rockefeller Center. “Or if he’s carrying a soda product above the 16-oz legal limit,” added Bloomberg.