Washington—On December 3rd a marble statue in Dick Cheney’s likeness was unveiled in Emancipation Hall. The ceremony was a small affair, for obvious reasons, as only a small fraction of our society can be around Cheney without projectile vomiting. Four days after the prestigious unveiling a group of vandals, calling for regiment change, broke into the hall and tore the monstrosity down. Many are left asking, “Why the hell did it take this long?!”

The leader of the group who carried out the deed said, “Reports initially claimed this statue was made of marbles, so we thought one well placed shot would scatter the marbles everywhere. Our reports were wrong, so we needed to rent a forklift to get the job done. You know what Rent-A-Center wants for an F-ing forklift?! It’s highway robbery. Even still, it’s all the paperwork I hate the most. Oh, and you have to rent the thing for a week, so I’m like, we just need it to knock down ‘Old Iron Ass’s’ statue for about an hour. I would prefer it’s not in my living room when people come snooping around anyway, but no…I had to rent the thing for a whole F-ing week. We’re going to do something to Rent-A-Center if they don’t watch their asses.”

After seeing images of the wrecked statue, former president George W. Bush said, “Say what you want about Dick Cheney. No, really, say what you want, because I’ll be painting somewhere or clearing brush on my ranch. I wish I could do both at the same time but I’m a republican, after all.”