Washington, DC—A Federal D.C. Circuit Judge ruled against the first lady today in the case of Brown Something vs the Bored of Mashed Potatoes. As a result, the First Lady will be subjected to four semesters of her own lunch menu from Lincoln Middle School on West 16th Street. The meals will be delivered to the White House by a sheriff appointed by the court and each weekday the meal will be consumed in the presence of said Sheriff.
Republicans are calling this a major victory on the War on Tater Tots, but the President expressed his outrage today, “This is an outrage and it is today,” said Obama, wholly endorsing the narrative. “You think republicans are mad about the amount of vacations we normally go on, huh? Until this court stipulation thing is over you can find us at Camp Maui.”
Senator John Q. Republican is calling this ruling a “good start” but questions the details of the case, “Why is the associated cost of the food and the delivery shifted to the American tax payer? This is another liberal handout.”
AM radio host Rush Limbaugh said, “Increasing nutrients in school lunches is un-American. Fish sticks should not be made from sticks and meat pie has pie right in the word. Isn’t apple pie American enough for you people? I grew up on grade D but edible meat product, just like the founding fathers envisioned. Hell, I used to sip the grease right off the tray growing up. There’s nothing wrong with that, unless you burn your tongue. Besides, salad is for fags. I’m not a gaynecologist but, who knows, maybe that green stuff causes faggery. Did our Commander-in-Chef salad ever think of that?”
When questioned about the wisdom of increasing his vacations, President Obama said, “Look, you heard of frequent flyer miles, right? I have a shit ton to use by the end of 2016.”