Arizona’s Wall to Nowhere

Mick Zano

If you were wondering, the answer is Yes, Arizona can get dumber than the Big Wall on the Border thing. A 10-Billion dollar border bill just passed Arizona’s republican circus today, the details of which make Palin’s Iowa speech sound like Kant’s Critique on Pure Reason. I Kant explain? Who? Our budget is already straining at the seams and this is their fiscally conservative answer? Hey, but it will stop ISIS from using Fast & Furious to smuggle Death Panels into ‘Murica.

This Wall to Nowhere comes in the form of a series of fences and roads across the ass-end of this ass-governed state. This bill creates a one hundred mile no-man’s-land around a series of roads and fences along our southern border. The area would also conveniently be no longer under the jurisdiction of the EPA.  Not that the EPA has much of a presence here in The Grand Canyon State—which I believe was originally formed by a Koch funded copper-mining project. Actually, it’s not that big a deal because we don’t have a lot of EPA agents anyway. Most were shot during separate “stand your garbage” incidents.

Homeland Security is calling this entire project “unnecessary” and most of the engineers consulted claim it can’t be done. Oh, and everyone involved—aside, of course, from the elephants in the room—think that even if they do defy physics, and nail this gazillion dollar moon shot, it won’t achieve the desired results. Hey, isn’t that Congress’ job? Are you trying to outsource their important inaction? Thanks NAFTA.

What a joke.  A republican representative, Sally McRide or something, is spearheading this insanity. “We have to set a very high goal to understand how important it is to get this job done.”

Let me add her next unstated thought, “And I was very high indeed when I came up with this shit. Oh, but I’m still against legalization.”

[Foxy moron joke removed by the editor]

The Secretary of Homeland Security pointed out, “The bill is extreme to the point of being unworkable (now please extrapolate this to every republican solution known to man). If enacted, it would actually leave the border less secure. The bill sets mandatory and highly prescriptive standards that the Border Patrol itself regards as impossible to achieve, undermines the Department of Homeland Security’s capacity to adapt to emerging threats, and politicizes tactical decisions.”

Or as Senator McCain added, “Win, win!”

Never ask this: how can these people get any worse? It’s a loaded question and apparently so are they when they legislate. As they spend their time railing against a list of fictional Obama atrocities, their own very real decisions will haunt us for generations. Is this shit happening in your state or have we managed to corner the market on crazy?

Dear Republicans,

Fiscal conservatism: you’re doing it wrong.

National Security: you’re doing it wrong.



P.S. I can’t actually think of anything you’re doing right, so why not just take a nice nap.

Let’s pull money from education for this monstrosity, I mean, we’re ranked only 49th.  Heck, we can only drop one more state, right? And, screw poor people, let’s have them live in hospitals and by spending more money it will somehow be cheaper. Just like 2011. Remember that? I do. The burden on hospitals spiked and the associated cost for the state increased, as predicted here.

Spending More Through Budget Cuts

Not to mention all that extra loot to rebuild the programs that they just gutted…you know, after they finally realized “well, that was stupid.” Yeah, let’s do that again under Governor Ducey!

Instead of this republican bullshit, let’s address the real problem to all of our problems: Republicans. Islam isn’t the only failed ideology in the room. A Muslim ideology flew planes into buildings and a republican ideology responded to that event. Summary Alert: The event sucked and so did our response. Let’s fix their draconian and failed War on Drugs and let’s place steeper fines on those who hire illegal workers in the first place and then let’s forgo the whole Great Wall to Nowhere thing. I realize this does not address their fictional issues, but I don’t suffer from a delusional disorder so it’s hard to address the array of paranoid scenarios bouncing around their fear-addled minds.

This is just another strategy brought to you by an entire political party that needs a competency hearing. Kidding, they failed that long ago. Remember that Orkan reverse-aging premise from Mork & Mindy? Looks like McCain dropped his binky again. When is it time to call Child Protective Services on an entire political party? Oh, that’s right, they gutted that program. But don’t worry, Senator Flake’s Send the Kiddos Packing initiative will cut down on child abuse, because those AZ toddlers will shoot back.

“Tear down the wall!”

—Pink Floyd


*Quotes courtesy of the Arizona Daily Sun.

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.