Washington, DC—The committee of the Ms. Cretin USA pageant has announced three finalists for the coveted title of most obnoxious moron in America to…
- Sarah Palin – Ms. Cretin Alaska
- Jan Brewer – Ms. Cretin Arizona
- Sharron Angle – Ms. Cretin Nevada.
Palin, The Bard of Wasilla, was considered a shoe-in (Palinism) for the title as recently as one month ago, but recent public statements by Brewer and Angle have narrowed the gap.
Palin’s invention of the word “refudiate” was thought to be the nail in the cake (Palinism) for the former Governor’s presumed victory, but Angle’s “second amendment solution” to the problem of democratically-elected officials not in God’s favor was an astounding move. Perhaps out of a combination of desperation and dementia, Brewer referred to most illegal aliens as drug mules. These events, whether intentional or not, have turned this snoozer of a pageant into a sprint to the finish.
Palin has fought back via the talent competition by asserting her bilingus (Palinism) abilities, and using the term “cajones” in a sentence. Brewer fell behind with her measured, careful response to Judge Bolton’s ruling on SB1070, but recovered quickly by addressing further comments to the honorable, Michael Bolton (yeah, yeah, we know).
Each candidate was asked to submit a 500 word essay outlining their plans for reviving the U.S. economy. Angle’s entry consisted of a barrage of loud bangs, a muzzle flash, and a plagiarized copy of Leviticus.
Brewer’s essay titled, Degrade Demean Deport – The Final Solution veered widely off topic but increased her lead in Arizona’s gubernatorial primary by five points. Palin has asked for an extension to accomjugate (Palinism) Lynn Vincent’s busy schedule.
The final and deciding competition of the pageant will consist of a “lightning round” of ten questions from Fox News contributor and disgraced former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich.
Mr. Gingrich is expected to query Palin on such topics as…
- Appropriate situations to use the words retarded, darkie, and towel-head.
- Special circumstances where a birth certificate does not constitute proof of citizenship (Palin feels our 49th state = rock on, but our 50th state = radicalized Polynesians).
- The best assault rifle to use for combating the infestation of baby harp seals in the great white north.
Brewer will face tough questioning on her proposed Arizona SB1071 which provides funding for Botox treatments to state office holders above the rank of lieutenant governor.
Gingrich is also planning a question to gauge Ms. Brewer’s moral compass by asking her to explain why it is categorically imperative to divorce a spouse once a serious illness, such as cancer or multiple sclerosis, has been diagnosed.
Ms. Angle will submit, to Gingrich, a list of questions that she is willing to answer.
“It’s absolutely necessary,” says Angle, “Newt is no friend now that he has joined the hated left-wing media. Without my guidance, (and the Lord’s) he may forget to give me the opportunity to say, ‘send those $25 dollar donations to sharonangle.com.’”
Should Mr. Gingrich be tempted to deviate from the pre-ordained list of questions, Angle emphatically states that Newt will experience a “lightning round” of his own, blasphemer.