Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Years Of Trump: Placed On Suicide Watch

Punxsutawney, PA Punxsutawney Phil is back in the news today and back on his medications. The famous Pennsylvania rodent is predicting six more years of Trump followed by a sharknado that will destroy civilization as we know it. Phil was recently diagnosed with a major depressive disorder with psychotic features, which may be playing a role in his darker than usual visions of the future. His vetritherapist claims the fluffy creature is still ‘with Hillary’ and remains a staunch liberal. This might explain Phil’s other dark predictions of an end to the UN, the FBI, the EPA, the FDA, the electoral college and parts of Rachel Maddow.

I got nothing today. I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. But Obama did receive some bad prognosticative gems from a rodent back in the day as well:

 

Punxsutawney Pete Predicts Six-More-Weeks of Slow Economic Growth

 

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Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.