In the wake of Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ effort to “take a bite out of crime”, the use of K9-assisted arrests has risen sharply in 2017.  Many are blaming our nation’s increase in dogular related injuries on the Trump Administration’s appointment of McGruff the Crime Dog to head the Department of Dog-Bone Minority. The Department of Injustice is disturbed by recent arrest statistics, which seem to indicate very little incident-to-race bias whatsoever. Experts believe the inherent color blindness of our canine law enforcement officers may be the barrier to munching on more Mexicans.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Hookah Lounge, said, “Non-white citizens are a growing problem in this county, but our dogs, police-trained or otherwise, can only see dark-blue, light blue-grey or yellow. This means they might actually confuse an illegal alien for an extraterrestrial one. Essentially they can only see variations of blue and yellow, and we don’t want them confusing a fellow police officer for an Asian or something.”

AG Sessions told the press today, “I’m glad more people are being mauled during arrests, but we want the bites to be as disproportionally favoring whitey as other types of police encounters. We have found that a Caucasian criminals are just as likely to get bitten during an arrest as a minority, which is just another blow to white privilege. Not on my watch! No, really, I have a FitBit now. We need to invent some type of Google glasses to help dogs tell the difference between we real Americans and these tastier brown or black people. We could start by just feeding them thighs and legs instead of breast meat over at KFC. I dunno, this is all in the planning phases. There’s still a lot of unanswered questions, like on-leash off-leash, real or robodogs, original or extra crispy.”

*Hat tip to Jose!