Why complain, republicans? You got it pretty good. Your Senators from places like Montana and South Dakota carry the same weight as their counterparts in New York and California. Then, when population does matter, you’ve gerrymandered every district into oblivion. Nice. Oh, and you won the Senate because no one save the old, white and angry even votes in the midterms. This week your current frontrunner broke the Politifact Meter, which isn’t easy to do as it’s a cartoon image. The less your candidates mention the truth, the higher they poll. Good work if you can get it. Even your spiritual leader has no idea what the hell you people are doing, so where does this false confidence come from? Most people have to garner a series of successes before they gain such confidence. Republicans remain forever sure of their next predictions and their next policies despite having a track record that makes Fat Albert look like Usain Bolt.
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Trump Represents The Self-Harming Phase Of The Grand Old Psyche
by Mick Zano •
I think the GOP is self-harming again, which may require an inpatient hospitalization. When one self-harms, it initially provides feelings of relief, but ultimately it’s going to leave a mark. Donald Trump is that mark. He represents their anger, primarily with themselves. He is their collective cry for help. The Donald is their way of blowing off some steam and regulating their—who am I kidding? Self-harming teenage girls are more stable than these buffoons. Oh, and I found a test for Borderline Personality Disorder. Do you want to guess how our 21st century republicans fare? Yep, we’re talking the Full Lohan.
“If The GOP were a flock of birds they would all be heading toward the nearest wind farm, backwards—while turd-bombing random vehicles.”
God Pulls Plug On Cruz Candidacy
by Mick Zano •
Heaven—God is reportedly “furious” with Senator Ted Cruz’s recent political antics. As Cruz delivered a speech on the virtues of clean Tar Sands earlier today, God disrupted the proceedings with a blinding flash of Photoshopped light. God then commanded: “Thou shalt retire from politics indefinitely!” The almighty later told reporters he was not impressed with the Texas Senator’s recent debate performance or his fantasy football picks. God then sent an official Notice of Tablet to Cruz Headquarters, certified mail, within the required time frames.
Ineptotism: The Acorn Doesn’t Fall Far From The Bush
by Mick Zano •
After Greg Sent Zano Funny Image This Is What Happened
by Mick Zano •
Putin Explains Involvement in Syria: “I’m Just Getting In Some Target Practice”
by Mick Zano •
Damascus, SY—The global community is questioning the motives and the implications of Russia’s increased military involvement in Syria. Russia and Syria have always had strong ties but now Russian President Vladimir Putin is building a military base in the heart of Damascus. When asked if there is more to Putin’s strategy than simply combating ISIS, Putin shrugged, “I have so few political adversaries left I haven’t kill—uh, beaten at the polls—that I’ve decided on a little Hunger Games, Moscow-style.”
After answering several questions Putin mounted his dragon stead, Ivan, and is headed to Syria for victims. When asked about the name Ivan, Putin said, “I have named him Ivan Drago. He was the boxer from Rocky II also known as Death From Above. Remember that? In the Russian version of this movie he knocks Rocky Balboa’s head clean off the top of his spine. It’s epic and a more accurate outcome.”
GOP Determined To Win in 2016: Minus Women, Minorities, Gays, or Valid Points
by Mick Zano •
The GOP is a political party like Spinal Tap is a rock band. Hey, and now their crazies really do go to 11. But how about that feisty Fiorina performance, eh? I have to give her some credit but, amidst that Reagan love-fest, frankly anyone could have done that to her hair. But was that supposed to be a debate? Frodo got the One Ring to Mount Doom faster than that monstrosity. Yikes. Why do you need three hours to discuss nothing? …Seinfeld managed that in a half an hour each week. Still, I am sure this will go down in the annals of history next to Hitchens V Galloway, Socrates V Glaucon, or even Palin V Cleese during the Argument sketch. No it won’t. Yes it will. Quiet you!
Fasten Your Seatbelts For Tonight’s Republican “Debate”
by Mick Zano •
Houston we Have A Politician: Cruz Outed As Alien Operative!
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—After chugging a warm pitcher of Pabst, Buzz Aldrin burped the national anthem and Senator Ted Cruz took the podium at the 3rd annual NASA bake-sale. “Since 2009 there continues to be a disproportionate increase in NASA’s funding for the earth sciences,” said Cruz. “This makes no sense as Earth is the opposite of space. Duh. And do you have any idea how much tax payer money is wasted each year keeping those four little Alpha Centurians alive over in Area 51? Oh, wait, that’s classified. Can you bleep that part out? I don’t want those MIBs on my ass again. They’re worse than socialists.”
Post-Bush Republicans: The PBRs Of Today’s Politics
by Mick Zano •
How do republicans remain so oblivious of their own demise? As far as I can figure, they’re so mad at the establishment they plan to suck even more. W’s IQ was among the lowest of any president and Trump is estimated to be even lower, here. I predicted a deterioration, but even I can’t believe how far south of Bush these people have come, the political taint, if you will. Under a republican president we were never going to have healthcare cost containment, we were never going to have an Iran deal, and we were never going to have a recovery in the first place. At minimum we’d be at war with Iran and at maximum our planet would be a radioactive ball of dust. Your candidates belong in a circus, not in the Oval Office. Kidding, circus people are talented.