Cleveland, OH—The CEO of Fox News, Roger Ailes, is confirming the RNC’s intentional release of Zika carrying mosquitos in swing states as part Operation Freedumb’s Bite. Republicans are concerned about their upcoming general election chances. It remains unclear if they can win on the uneducated, angry white-vote alone. With the release of Zika, the frontal lobes of liberals across the nation will atrophy as the republican base conversely widens. Mr. Ailes believes this can help republicans chances in the general election and may even boost his own news channel’s ratings. Critics of the move are calling the stunt Mosquitovellian, but Mick Zano has narrowed it down to either DEMmentia or Roger Ailezheimers.
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Bernie Sanders Captured In Rarely Seen Superdelegate Courting Ritual
by Mick Zano •
Burlington, VT—In an attempt to woo democratic superdelgates towards his cause, Senator Bernie Sanders enacted a little understood and rarely seen political courting ritual. The event took place earlier today at an undisclosed location outside of Burlington, Vermont. To keep with his message, Senator Sanders charged 27 dollars a plate and his wife made most of the food from scratch. Although the impact of this event remains unknown, critics were quick to call the performance “an act of desperation”, “beneath the dignity of his office,” and “clearly PhotoShopped by imbecils.”
The Great White Dope
by Mick Zano •
Why is everyone getting this Trump thing so wrong? Trump didn’t kill the republican party, Beauty killed the beast. Actually, stupidity killed the beast, but the death of conservatism under the weight of its own ignorance is not surprising. Today’s Grand Old Party is like that donkey Eeyore on an Alabama tilt-a-whirl—a sad state of affairs all around. Mitt Romney just told the New York Times that Trump represents a “stain on the party that would lead it to ruin.” A stain, Mitt? A skidmark the size of Brownsville would be an upgrade for your party. Fruit of the Goons?
Local News: Another Shrubbery Charged With Urinating In Public
by Mick Zano •
This Day In Future History: Trump Names X-Men’s Magneto To Head Department Of Energy
by Mick Zano •
Donald Trump Receives Honorary Degree From Trump University
by Mick Zano •
New York, NY—Donald Trump was all smiles today as he held aloft his honorary degree from Trump University. Dean Izzy Credentialed claims, “The honorary version of our six-figure degree is just as valid as the real thing. Sadly.” Upon receiving the honor, Trump stated, “I don’t generally do the humbled thing, but if I did, this would be that time …but, again, I don’t, so NO.” In the same ceremony, Trump was also presented with the Key to Trump Tower, from his maintenance guy, Steve.
Is The Republican Establishment Starting To Accept Its Fate?
by Mick Zano •
The Discord Is Calling It For Madam President: HRC Is DNC’s New VIP
by Mick Zano •
Northeast Votes! Are You Ready To FUM-BLE!
by Mick Zano •
The Deming Down Of ‘Murica’s Cultural Identity
by Mick Zano •
What is our cultural identity and why is it important? What does it mean to be an American in the 21st century? We are very divided, which has implications for both our identity and our future. Amidst any discussion these days, bipartisanship breaks out faster than a Ferguson Missouri Trump rally riot. Today, the Republican fringe is preparing for a holy war and factions of our New Age liberals are worried about an alien invasion from Nibiru. Hmmm, so how do we reconcile these two groups? Onward Christian Mulder?