Mick Zano

Mick Zano

In 5-4 Decision Justices Agree To Abandon Scalia On Subway Platform

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Washington, DC—In a landmark decision today, the Supreme Court has agreed to lure Justice Anthony Scalia to a designated subway station and leave him there. The other Justices hope to convince Scalia that this is a planned outing that will include both a free lunch as well as a chance to overturn the Affordable Care Act. The other members of the Supreme Court are going to act as if they’re getting off at the Capitol Heights Station and then plan to jump back on board just before the train pulls away.

Justice Ginsberg explained, “I don’t plan on any jumping, per se, but I can lean toward the door a little.” When questioned about the legality of this move, she said, “We decide what’s legal, remember? Look, if we had our own Supreme Court reality show, we would have voted Scalia off Justice Island a long time ago. We’re  just implementing our own three strikes and you’re out thing. Scalia is a conservative, he is a Catholic, and he is a Yankee’s fan. Oh, and it doesn’t help that he’s an asshole.”

Benghazi V Charleston: False Narratives 101

While Obama delivers his eulogy for a Reverend Pinckney, my thoughts remain with the people of Charleston. During Fox News’ coverage of this event, the words “racially motivated” and “terrorism” were avoided like an Ebola victim donning a suicide vest. The Fox News All Sharts tried their best to deny that the attack constituted a hate crime—one fueled by white supremacy and a semi-automatic Clip of Freedom.

God Sends Massive Storm to Ohio after Governor’s Decision to Run For President

weatherColumbus, OH—Shortly after Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy, God summoned a low pressure system designed to punish him. God is basing his wrath on the two-term Governor’s decision to expand Medicaid and other shortsighted budgetary measures. The state capital, Columbus, was at the center of God’s wrath this weekend and the almighty is warning, “There’s more where that came from!”

The Supreme Being told reporters, “Thou shalt not spend. Remember that one! Yeah, well it should have been in there but Moses could only carry two tablets. They were made of stone, you know. Bottom line, this is exactly what the people of Sodom and Hussein did before I laid waste to that entire shithole of a town.”

The reporter who tried to correct God was immediately struck by lightning—an incident God is calling “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Pope To Be Detained Should He Ever Set Foot on Floridian Soil

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Tampon Bay, FL—Incensed by The Pope’s comments on Climate Change, Governor Rick Scott is now on the warpath. According to the Governor’s orifice, The Pope is in clear violation of his “Shhhh, Don’t Mention Climate Change, Just Keep Building Shit Inland” initiative.

Radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I believe the Vatican is very close to getting the bomb. And I will have nun of that…Get it? I don’t know about this new guy, Pope Benedict the Arnold. He obviously has connections to liberal sympathizers, who obviously have connections to the Muslim Brotherhood. So do the delusional math, people! Last time I was in church the priest was swinging around this smoking metal ball. That could take out a few rows of pews if weaponized. Hell, if that’s not a smoking gun I don’t know what is. What else is the clergy hiding under those bulletproof vestments? In fact, I believe the Vatican has acquired Weapons of Mass Mass Destruction.”

GOP Insists Obama Get More Serious About F-ing Up Next War

thYBFUP7LEWashington, DC—President Obama’s reluctance to lose more conflicts, create more jihadists, and get more Americans killed is confounding many. Intelligence gathering, diplomacy and targeted drone-strikes remain foreign concepts to republicans, like Taco Bell or Panda Express. Republicans’ ongoing plea to become mired in more ground wars is thus far falling on deaf ears. As ISIS gains more ground—ground that is actually sand—conservatives remain fixated on the oil that might be under said sand…er, ground. Oily to Dead?

I Know We Have Our Differences, Pokey, But Can’t We At Least Agree That I’m Always Right?

I commend the notions that most religions foster, such as moral restraint, humility, community cooperation and asceticism. These are good things, but your fundamentalist approach invariably strays faster than the Ghetto Shaman on a Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Pokey is no different. There’s something inherently wrong with organized religion. It’s kind of like watching Real Time on TiVo or farting during an NPR segment of Fresh Air.

Discord Deploys Yellow Submarines Against ISIS

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Flagstaff, AZ—A long time ago in central Pennsylvania I left a bar called Sal Assante’s to find the streets filled with brawling people. Not knowing what to do, I started instinctively singing The Beatle’s Yellow Submarine. This seemed to pause the violence as everyone kind of stopped punching each other to look at the crazy person. Yesterday, I employed this same tactic in the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona, and once again my singing somehow ended the violence. So what if we weaponized the Fab Four and deployed specific Beatles songs to combat ISIS?