Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Hurricane Mathew Update: Bald Eagle Refuses To Leave Car Grille Until Debates Are Over

by  • 

eagle-grill

 

Clay County Florida—After rescuing a bald eagle wedged in a car grille, the Clay County Sheriff’s office is now admitting the bird was actually just hiding there to avoid the 2nd presidential debate. Sheriff Roscoe P. Justice explains, “We know the bird was uninjured when we found her, which we initially attributed to luck, but that changed quickly. We knew something was up when we freed the bird entirely, but it still didn’t want to come out.” According to several witnesses from the Sheriff’s department, the storm-drove-the-bird-into-the-car theory started to unravel after the eagle became agitated while officers were playing the debate. “The thing went nuts every time either candidate spoke,” said Deputy Droopy Fife. “I have never seen anything like it, well, except for that time a marlin jumped into a fishing boat just to avoid the Oscars. In the marlin’s defense, it was Neil Patrick Harris.”

READ MORE ->

Share

Dems Have To Be Swiftboated But Republicans Can Now Self-Swiftboat

by  • 

donaldtrumprepublicanpresidentialcandidatehhobkmbx3ntl

Trump Tower—The Trump campaign could not be happier as they attempt to spin their bad week into something decidedly more positive. Donald Trump explains, “During the John Kerry presidential run in, uh, back several years ago, Republicans had to find a number of people to lie about his war record. They made up a bunch of shit that helped get Bush elected. It worked, it worked. Now I don’t have to wait around just to get caught off guard. I’m out in front on this one. I just swiftboated myself with my own mouth. And why not? I don’t need people swiftboating for me, like Kerry. Weak, it was weak. I don’t outsource that shit. I took the initiative and pulled this off with numero uno, all while stepping in numero deuco. That’s called multi-tasking. I guess you can say I swiftly self-shitboated myself. Yeah, take that Trumped-up trickle down, bitch.”

READ MORE ->

Share

Frum Here To Absurdity: One Man’s Futile Fight For Republican Reform

by  • 

frumgopmlDear David Frum, start a new party, sincerely Reality. To take a page from Trump, how about some 2nd Amendment options? I think your party needs to be taken out back and shot. There used to be a counterpart to liberal excesses. Back in the day, I would even talk about the sane Republicans like George Will, Andrew Sullivan, David Frum and Damon Linker. Today, it’s kind of a last man standing thing. All but Frum left the GOP (with prejudice). Mr. Frum understands why George Will recently called it quits and yet he remains bent on reforming this seemingly hopeless party. After watching the VP debate, your alternate reality is complete. You have a megalomaniacal ass-clown as your nominee and an evangelical reality-denier VP, who “won” the debate by denying everything his boss said. Nothing to see here. When it came to foreign policy questions, Pence’s views are beyond historical revisionism; it’s historical negationism. Your party is like watching the Aytollaha at the Holocaust Museum or Senator James “Snowball” Inhofe at Glacier National Park. Can I make a citizens arrest on an entire political party? Pull over to the curb, hands where I can see them (bang). Oops, I thought your Bible was loaded. Sorry, no indictment. The NRA bumper sticker was probable cause.

READ MORE ->

Share

Scientists Believe Mysterious Radio Bursts May Be Limburps

by  • 

 limburp
Deep Face—Scientists originally believed repeated radio bursts from space could be explained by colliding pulsars or giant rocks humping each other somewhere in the asteroid belt. This all changed recently when a scientist was able to match radio waves with a Rush Limbaugh segment on why Obama hates America. Dean Steller, head of the Chipotle Observatory over on Milton, explains, “I don’t want to Rush to conclusions. Get it? Anyway, fat radio bursts (FRBs) remained an unexplained phenomenon until one of our interns happened to be listening to Rush Limbaugh at work. He noted how several of these radio bursts appeared on our sensors at precisely those moments when Limbaugh was on a ranty roll. They matched up perfectly during particularly heated exchanges. Oh, and yes we fired the intern for political reasons.”

READ MORE ->

Share

Everything You Wanted To Know About Politics & Fear, But Were Afraid To Question

by  • 

The perimeter fence along Pennsylvania Avenue outside the White House is seen in Washington, Monday, Sept. 22, 2014. The Secret Service tightened their guard outside the White House after Friday's embarrassing breach in the security of one of the most closely protected buildings in the world. A man is accused of scaling the White House perimeter fence, running across the lawn and entering the presidential mansion before agents stopped him. (AP Photo/Carolyn Kaster)

Anxiety is on the rise in this country and all this extra cortisol in the air is starting to stress me out. After reading a recent New York Times article I realized someone who knows about politics and anxiety should cover this topic ….with jokes! This NYT piece, which used Google-search trends as evidence, suggests our country’s recent stress-spike is not due to either Trump, Hillary or ISIS. As it turns out, poverty may be the biggest determinate of anxiety. This is no surprise when one considers Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. We all know what happens during a zombie apocalypse, and in parts of the Middle East such an event would go unnoticed. The Walking Daesh? My colleague Pokey thinks this Mess-o-patamia is due entirely to ideology. He is neglecting our own involvement, oil revenues, The UN, despots, rampant poverty, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. So why are 99.99% of American Muslims behaving, Poke? Did I mention Maslow? It’s much harder to radicalize someone with a full belly and a roof over their head. In fact, American Muslims are behaving even amidst this heightened redneck retaliations (RNR). Hey New York Times, I found a correlation of my own between ‘free tequila’ and instances of drunken mosque vandalism. In related Google-search trend news, Midget Porn has finally surpassed Hot Asian Sluts! Why not take a fiver NYT guy, and let the spoof newser take it from here?

READ MORE ->

Share