I think Trump is saying his immigration policies could have prevented Benghazi. Sometimes it’s tough to interpret stupideze. Retraction: it’s always tough interpreting stupideze. Republican leadership is warning The Donald that he better start sticking to the script, after all, republicans only have one script (Flesch-Kincaid grade level 3).
When George W. Bush guessed history would compare him to Truman, I knew he was smoking crack. Kidding, he would have ‘presidented’ much better on crack. While he was banking on the whole eventually-history-will-dig-me premise, I knew he would ultimately be compared to Kim Kardashian (at least gluteuphorically). I believe that’s a Palin-drome. Meanwhile, Obama clearly has a fighting chance at the Truman Show. Granted, most of his cards are resting in the Iran nuke-basket—a basket that could mushroom at any moment. Khrushchev at ground zero? Sorry, it’s a Weird Al joke.
Yeah, spelling is going to be even a little more of a problem than usual, but c’est la vie. I admit I have no interest in the Dem debate. There, I said it. I was like, crap. I have to watch this shit? You see Tuesday is the new Wednesday in Flagstaff. Don’t read too deeply into that. No one knows what that means either. Then Cokie suggested I live blog the debate from Historic Brewing. I said, Trump is going to live Tweet stuff! Trump and Tweets and bars, oh my?! Let’s do this shit! You pour the suds and I’ll dip my quill in some poison. Hey, maybe you can put Poison on Pandora and we can make it a theme night! She drew the line at 80s hair bands and told me I had to leave by 9… a whole hour later than usual! What a pal. I googled c’est la vie for spelling but from here on in, it’s booze, trump and no editing. Say le veee! Let The Donald begin.
Burlington, VT—Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) told The Discord today he supports both medical marijuana and the decriminalization of cannabis. Senator Sanders is also open to the recreational use of marijuana for the strict purpose of increasing the creativity of a certain group of spoof news bloggers, “who really seem to suck without it.”
Sanders told reporters, “I have read The Discord’s material with and without marijuana and there’s only one way to enjoy their quirky brand of political humor. I have carefully studied the research on cannabinoid creativity enhancers (CCEs) and (cough) without legalization these guys are going tits up. To be blunt about blunts, they need to smoke more pot and so do their readers.”
Washington, DC—Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) dropped a bombshell earlier this week and all but admitted the Benghazi investigations were a political ruse, designed to hurt Hillary Clinton politically. Since then many questions about these committees are surfacing. What were republicans really doing behind closed doors during all those meetings with all that Kleenex and lotion? If it was a circle jerk on the taxpayers dime, as many believe, doesn’t that fly in the face of conservative values?
“Nothing flew in anyone’s face,” insisted Senator John Q. Republican, “That would be gross. Look, we may not be very good at reaching across the aisle, but under no circumstances do we do the ‘reach around’. We are all well respected members of Congress so we have people for that.”
It’s not this scandal that’s pissing me off, it’s the coverage of this scandal. Sorry, there’s no such thing as egregious price-gouging in the pharmaceutical industry. Have you Googled the pharmaceutical industry? …you know, since The Google was invented? Have you purchased a newer non-generic medication lately? Ask your doctor if a reverse mortgage for aspirin is right for you. What’s a 5,000% markup between friends, eh? Do the math, people. Seriously, I can’t. I have a liberal arts degree. When people say the words predatory-capitalism, I believe one of those words is superfluous.
Why complain, republicans? You got it pretty good. Your Senators from places like Montana and South Dakota carry the same weight as their counterparts in New York and California. Then, when population does matter, you’ve gerrymandered every district into oblivion. Nice. Oh, and you won the Senate because no one save the old, white and angry even votes in the midterms. This week your current frontrunner broke the Politifact Meter, which isn’t easy to do as it’s a cartoon image. The less your candidates mention the truth, the higher they poll. Good work if you can get it. Even your spiritual leader has no idea what the hell you people are doing, so where does this false confidence come from? Most people have to garner a series of successes before they gain such confidence. Republicans remain forever sure of their next predictions and their next policies despite having a track record that makes Fat Albert look like Usain Bolt.
I think the GOP is self-harming again, which may require an inpatient hospitalization. When one self-harms, it initially provides feelings of relief, but ultimately it’s going to leave a mark. Donald Trump is that mark. He represents their anger, primarily with themselves. He is their collective cry for help. The Donald is their way of blowing off some steam and regulating their—who am I kidding? Self-harming teenage girls are more stable than these buffoons. Oh, and I found a test for Borderline Personality Disorder. Do you want to guess how our 21st century republicans fare? Yep, we’re talking the Full Lohan.
“If The GOP were a flock of birds they would all be heading toward the nearest wind farm, backwards—while turd-bombing random vehicles.”