Salt Lake City, UT—Since the Boy Scouts of America’s decision to allow openly gay children into their fold, the Mormon Church threatened to outright sever relations. After lengthy negotiations rivaling the State Department’s Iran deal, the two organizations have reached an agreement. Mormons are allowed to enrich uranium for peaceful purposes, provided they allow the international community to inspect their magic underwear. Wait, what?
Batshit Rouge, LA—Governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal, is still not happy about missing the not-ready-for-prime-time republican debacle—er, debate. Fox News chose only the top ten contenders for this event, via their own questionable polling system. This left “Bobby” Jindal an outcast, wandering the country aimlessly.
At a press conference today Jindal held up a Spinal Tap T-shirt that read Our Debaters Should Go To Eleven. “I am going to war with the RNC!” said Jindal. “I will attack them with this large knife, with the back edge all serrated like. What do they call those? Anyway, you think Trump is terrorizing this circus, wait until they get a load of me.” He then started manically laughing and yelling, “Bring me The Batman. Bring me The Donald, hah, hah, hah!”
I read your response to Jon Stewart’s departure this week in Slate and it’s telling…it’s telling me move to Canada! It’s another Clue it was Roger Ailes in the Liebrary with the candle schtick. It shouldn’t be news to anyone that you’re the real the culprit here. Speaking of news, you should try some, instead of whatever the hell you’re doing over on Fox. You said Jon Stewart didn’t make a “dent” in your kingdom, but what about your ultimate goal? You desperately want another likeminded sociopath in the White House, or at least some other Rube-io to push your twisted agenda. This is where Stewart and Co. have robbed you of something. You already know this, don’t you?
Washington, DC—Donald Trump is getting a bump in the polls today after he shoved a baby carriage down a stairwell. The incident left one woman angry and one toddler in cynical condition. Shortly after his presidential debate, Trump, allegedly told a woman she looked like something from a horror movie and then pushed her stroller over a precipice. According to witnesses, The Donald yelled, “Remember the Untouchables?! This is like a reenactment. Get it, you skank?!”
Trump remains unapologetic about the incident and is not backing down from his comments. “I meant what I said. I loved the movie The Untouchables and that woman was kind of a skank. It’s not sexists if it’s true.”
The first Republican debates will be held later today in Cleveland. Yes, you heard right, home of the Drew Carey Show and the Cleveland Browndians. Sorry I don’t follow sports, especially in Ohio. The debate will be hosted by Fox News and only the top ten polling candidates are invited to play. I plan to break each winner into a separate feature, but first let’s look at all of these folks and the rhetoric that makes them great…for a comedy site. Some fear that no meaningful discourse can result from having ten people on a debate stage, which is a ridiculous view. It’s a republican debate, people! …when has there ever been any meaningful discourse?