While Obama delivers his eulogy for a Reverend Pinckney, my thoughts remain with the people of Charleston. During Fox News’ coverage of this event, the words “racially motivated” and “terrorism” were avoided like an Ebola victim donning a suicide vest. The Fox News All Sharts tried their best to deny that the attack constituted a hate crime—one fueled by white supremacy and a semi-automatic Clip of Freedom.
Columbus, OH—Shortly after Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy, God summoned a low pressure system designed to punish him. God is basing his wrath on the two-term Governor’s decision to expand Medicaid and other shortsighted budgetary measures. The state capital, Columbus, was at the center of God’s wrath this weekend and the almighty is warning, “There’s more where that came from!”
The Supreme Being told reporters, “Thou shalt not spend. Remember that one! Yeah, well it should have been in there but Moses could only carry two tablets. They were made of stone, you know. Bottom line, this is exactly what the people of Sodom and Hussein did before I laid waste to that entire shithole of a town.”
The reporter who tried to correct God was immediately struck by lightning—an incident God is calling “an unfortunate coincidence.”
Tampon Bay, FL—Incensed by The Pope’s comments on Climate Change, Governor Rick Scott is now on the warpath. According to the Governor’s orifice, The Pope is in clear violation of his “Shhhh, Don’t Mention Climate Change, Just Keep Building Shit Inland” initiative.
Radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, said, “I believe the Vatican is very close to getting the bomb. And I will have nun of that…Get it? I don’t know about this new guy, Pope Benedict the Arnold. He obviously has connections to liberal sympathizers, who obviously have connections to the Muslim Brotherhood. So do the delusional math, people! Last time I was in church the priest was swinging around this smoking metal ball. That could take out a few rows of pews if weaponized. Hell, if that’s not a smoking gun I don’t know what is. What else is the clergy hiding under those bulletproof vestments? In fact, I believe the Vatican has acquired Weapons of Mass Mass Destruction.”
Washington, DC—President Obama’s reluctance to lose more conflicts, create more jihadists, and get more Americans killed is confounding many. Intelligence gathering, diplomacy and targeted drone-strikes remain foreign concepts to republicans, like Taco Bell or Panda Express. Republicans’ ongoing plea to become mired in more ground wars is thus far falling on deaf ears. As ISIS gains more ground—ground that is actually sand—conservatives remain fixated on the oil that might be under said sand…er, ground. Oily to Dead?
I commend the notions that most religions foster, such as moral restraint, humility, community cooperation and asceticism. These are good things, but your fundamentalist approach invariably strays faster than the Ghetto Shaman on a Barely Legal Kundalini Cruise. Pokey is no different. There’s something inherently wrong with organized religion. It’s kind of like watching Real Time on TiVo or farting during an NPR segment of Fresh Air.
Flagstaff, AZ—A long time ago in central Pennsylvania I left a bar called Sal Assante’s to find the streets filled with brawling people. Not knowing what to do, I started instinctively singing The Beatle’s Yellow Submarine. This seemed to pause the violence as everyone kind of stopped punching each other to look at the crazy person. Yesterday, I employed this same tactic in the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona, and once again my singing somehow ended the violence. So what if we weaponized the Fab Four and deployed specific Beatles songs to combat ISIS?
Topeka, KS—Governor Sam Brownback is denying allegations that his state has done poorly under his leadership. Despite his state’s ongoing struggles, he refuses to take any responsibility for his economic record. “Responsibility is for the little people,” said Brownback, “who we here in Kansas refer to as Munchkins.”
To compensate for the many years of crushing austerity measures, Kansas celebrated today with the largest tax increase in the state’s history. Brownback is denying this is an actual tax, however, as he and his staff are referring to it as Freedom Funds, which will be used to “fight the ongoing War on Obamacare.”