Vote, you fools!
Mick Zano
Mick Zano
Truck Filled With Alternative Facts Crashes En Route To White House
by Mick Zano •
Indianapolis, IN—A semi-truck loaded with alternative facts slid off of Route I-465 earlier today as a result of some slippery political conditions. The truck toppled and the trailer ripped open scattering endless conservative crapola all over the interstate. The incident caused two lane closures and may have triggered several nonsensical executive orders. The shipment of Alt-Facts was set to arrive at the White House on Wednesday. The Trump Administration admitted some of the material was slated for use during an upcoming Trump press conference. Amongst the hodgepodge of circus-like wreckage included tens of thousands of marbles, but Republicans remain adamant that they clearly lost their marbles long ago.
Now We Get A Better Image Of The Face On Mars?! Thanks A Lot NASA!
by Mick Zano •
More is being revealed about the end of the Martian civilization (sigh).
Maybe that rover can mosey over and piss on it.
Trump Vows To Drone Strike “Jerk” In Back Of Press Conference
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—During a press conference earlier today, President Ass-Clown Hitler made it very clear that he would consider an executive order to eliminate a journalist who asked particularly pointed questions. When a second reporter questioned the president’s ability to assassinate an American citizen on American soil without due process, Trump responded, “It’s easy enough to make it a two for Tuesday thing, which is tomorrow, so watch your ass! That being the case, there wouldn’t be enough time to get ‘permission’ from the judge, who I paid off already, by the way. So next softball question.”
The Next Four Years Will Be Like Dealing With The Borg With A Traumatic Brain Injury
by Mick Zano •
Trump Promises Change And Unity During Plagiarized, Divisive Inauguration Speech
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Donald J-dog Trump was sworn in Friday as the 45th president of the United States. During an inauguration speech that many are calling batty, shitty and even batshitty, Trump promised to always put America first. The newly sworn in president minced no words, except maybe the ones that came out of his mouth (cough). President Trump made it very clear, in garbled form, that he intends to place the United States over all other countries, over the planet itself, and even over the wishes of our Galacian warlords (the aliens who actually run our planet from the Orion nebula).
Obama Spends Last Day In Office Just Driving Around Throwing Pardons And Medals Out Of Car Window
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—President Barack Obama spent his final hours in office … well, just look at the headline again. Many are calling Mr. Obama’s actions beneath the dignity of his office, but Obama had a short and poignant response to critics that involved his middle finger. He littered the streets with armfuls of farewell gifts. Amongst the endless glitter, cash, ribbons, medals, and parchments, Mr. Obama hurled copies of his birth certificate and handfuls of Get Out Of Trump Free cards. This was obviously not a planned excursion as the Secret Service spent several hours chasing the president’s vehicle before finally apprehending him and returning him to the inauguration festivities.
The Obamas Set To Lose Their Security Deposit Upon Vacating The White House
by Mick Zano •
Washington, DC—Upon vacating the premises at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20th, the Obamas will not receive the customary $1200 security deposit. The landlord of the White House, I guy named Mel, informed the press today, “The Obamas trashed the place. I haven’t seen anything like this since Nixon was just shitting everywhere on the way out.” Apparently the reasons for the additional clean up costs ranged from broken windows and bullet holes to intentional vandalism and graffiti. “Someone drew a moustache on a bust of Theodore Roosevelt,” explained Mel. “What’s infuriating is how he already had a moustache! I’m sure it was those two little hooligans. We call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.”
SpaceX Successfully Lands Rocket On Trump’s Ego
by Mick Zano •
Wow! And this is just the pre-inauguration festivities! For the big day The Donald is also planning to have a number of liberal journalists shot out of cannons in sync to Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.
Ringling Bros. Closing Its Doors Forever: “Sorry, Folks, The Circus Is Moving Into The White House”
by Mick Zano •
Oz—After much ado about show biz, the oldest and most famous circus of all time will end all performances in May of 2017. Chairman and CEO Kenneth Feld explains, “I made the difficult business decision that Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus cannot continue under a Trump Administration. We have elephants, they are elephants. We have clowns, they are clowns. We can’t balance our budget anymore, and they never could, yada yada. Granted Republicans are a little more akin to a theater of the bizarre, but this industry has become like mass-producing those hobo-clown collectibles, sad and redundant.”