Mick Zano

Kentucky Congressman Swims In Coal To “Prove It’s Safe And Fun”

by Mick Zano • November 5, 2017

Pikeville, KY—Earlier today Congressman Jeff Stilton (R-KY) was involved in what many are calling a mindless PR stunt. The two term politician swam in a pile of coal outside of the Blankenship Coal Hole to prove to the American people once and for all that coal is safe for any and all activities. Representative Stilton said, “I swam in coal, my daddy swam in coal, and my daddy’s daddy owns Kohl’s. Right now a company is trying to turn an important, historic Kentucky coal mine into a wind-powered eye sore. We coal people do all of our stuff deep underground, so you don’t have to be burdened with giant freaky fans and the like. Besides, do you know how many hot sexbots had to die so they could make those wind farm monstrosities? A lot #SaveTheSexBots.”

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by Mick Zano • November 4, 2017

Washington, DC—Earlier today a shipment of methampethamine with an estimated 26K street value arrived at the headquarters of Special Prosecutor Rober Mueller. The stimulants were sent to his 17-lawyer team presumably in an effort to speed things up a bit. Mueller told the press today that he is very grateful for the gesture, but when he finds some time he vows to get to the bottom of who sent the illicit substances and prosecuting them to the fullest extent of the law.

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by Mick Zano • October 29, 2017

Tweet Tower—Just ahead of Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s first wave of pending indictments, President Trump scrambled to set up a deal with FedEx to get some serious overnight shipping accomplished. The president told the press today, “By Monday morning, ahead of Mr. Mueller’s fake indictments, which should be sent to Hillary anyway, I have delivered a number of pre-pardons to my peeps all across this great nation. Pre-pardons will work like other pardons, except they arrive before any wrongdoing. If you hold a pre-pardon next to an indictment it will nullify the indictment. I’m even trying to have it so the pre-pardon will cause the indictment to burst into flames. I have the best people working on that.”

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by Mick Zano • October 27, 2017

Tweet Tower—As the criticism of the federal response to hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico continues, El Presidente has hatched a plot to save the people of that fair territory. President Trump intends to award a 400-million dollar contract to Dominos pizza. In short order, the franchise is expected to set up a chain of pizza shops designed to sustain the people of Puerto Rico indefinitely.

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by Mick Zano • October 26, 2017

Ken Wilber is often hailed as the smartest guy you never heard of. For an ‘integral’ part of his theory, Wilber built on Jean Gebser’s work on societal and evolutionary development, which suggest societies move through levels of consciousness as they grow, ie: tribal, fundamental, entrepreneurial, liberal, infinity and beyond. Buzz Enlightenedyear? Throughout his tenor, Wilber has generally ignored republican antics in favor of lib coaching (Summary Alert: with deeper levels of consciousness, comes greater responsibility). In Trump And A Post-Truth World, Wilber labels the main pitfall of liberals as ‘aperspectival madness’, or how pluralism (moral-relativism) has paved the way for this truthless post-modern landscape. Progressives tend to insist that all perspectives are equal and, in such a world, truth itself dissolves into an egalitarian nightmare. He also points to the onslaught of fake news as contributing to the problem and how search engines are weaponizing shitty viewpoints by trading meaning for popularity. He rails against click-bait, which *cough* reminds me, before reading further please like and share my Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels.

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by Mick Zano • October 24, 2017

Sacramento, CA—A plane dropping flame retardant over a California pot farm today suddenly swung off to the east and disappeared over the horizon. The plane and its two pilots, who were battling the Now-That’s-A-Fire! fire over in Hurley, were later found permanently wedged in a KFC drive thru. Sacramento Police report when the two were arrested for FWI, they were downing an original recipe family bucket meal with all the trimmings. The copilot told the press, “We tried to stop at the Circle-K in Esparto, but I was like circle! And Mike was like, ‘K’, and I was like no, man, Circle-K! And he was like, ‘OK, stop yelling!’ So we circled the convenient store for nearly an hour before heading further southeast for some munchies.”

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by Mick Zano • October 23, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump is rolling back his earlier statements to Defense Secretary General James Mattis. A White House staffer suggests the president ‘floated the idea’ of purposely botching a mission, so he could write a better condolence speech for the families of the fallen. President Trump said, “I know how to make the best condolence speech, and I just want to try it out so people will just shut up and let me start another war. Do you have any idea the bump in polls I’d get if I get us into another war? Me neither, but it’s worth a shot, lots of shots. Brings new meaning to the words you’re fired!”

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by Mick Zano • October 21, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump told the press today that he will get to the bottom of his administration’s latest mix-up. Soon after the president made the announcement he would be releasing the CIA’s secret JFK files, a staffer accessed the National Archives and released the as yet undisclosed assassination files of Colonel Sanders of KFC fame. Not only did they release this controversial footage without the franchise’s permission, but the information also included all 11 herbs and spices, as well as the top secret preparation tips for the Colonel’s famous chicken recipe.

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by Mick Zano • October 19, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump is finally shifting to center. He has a plan to pitch some political compromises in the hopes of luring democrats toward his nefarious agenda. The President wants to utilize green energies to increase our military prowess and expand our nuclear arsenal. Trump said, “Just think if nuclear bombs could be created more efficiently, like by wind power. I think that’s something both sides of the aisle can really duck behind. I see a shining beacon on a hill, it’s a military research base powered by solar energy. I see another light on the horizon! Oh, shit …head to the bunkers.”

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by Mick Zano • October 16, 2017

Fortress of Solitude—Earlier today Superman was shocked to find a tribe of Eskimos squatting in his secret fortress deep in the frozen north. The Man of Steel said he could “just spit nails” after the discovery, but then clarified, “No really, I can spit nails now. It’s something I do when I’m bored.” The Eskimos are citing squatters rights and some obscure reverse-imminent-domain law as grounds for remaining in the structure. The tribe reportedly moved into the ice mansion soon after the onset of the filming of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

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