“All this science, I don’t understand; it’s just my job five days a week.”

Cell phones are the bane of society?  They will bring about the end of civilization as we know it? My ass. You are like the 300 lb.lady that came into the deli, telling the clerk (me) to make sure he leaves out the maraschino cherries on the rice pudding, as they have red #2 in them, all the while she’s puffing on a fucking camel.

This is what I told her: “Stupid fat bitch, I wouldn’t worry too much, if I wuz you. The smokes and weight will kill you long before the red # 2.”

I myself am an old fat ape, and even I know that as technology gets better, the world gets smaller, and time gets shorter. Through natural selection, I assume that in the near future, all humans will be type “A” personalities out of necessity. Why the FUCK would I get in my truck, and drive to wherever the fuck you are, get out, find you, and give you a message I could have given you in ten seconds over the phone? I wouldn’t, and neither would anyone else. Get used to it Pokester, or just take your place on the diorama in the Museum Of Natural History, next to the fucking Neanderthals.

Cell phones are like guns, there are idiots using them, and trained professionals. The idiots who text while driving will be cancelled out by natural selection, and possibly the large chrome grill on my Ram, if I’m lucky. And just like them, you too will take your place in the diorama of “died young of stupidity” if you don’t stop smoking. There is NO excuse. I was a smoker and it almost killed me. I was so hooked that when I tried to quit I was ready to kill. I eventually did quit, and just look at how laid back I am now, shithead. You are, I assume, a semi intelligent creature. You have to stop making excuses for your behavior.  Don’t be a Mickko.

My job would be near impossible without cell phones. So I shouldn’t use technology to increase my income while decreasing my use of fossil fuel? Brain dead? Uh, look in de mirror. There are people who look as if they might need surgery to separate them from their phones. If what you say about cancer is true, natural selection will take care of that too. I use mine for the relaying of messages, nothing more. Quick on and off, like my sex life.  I don’t have the time for idle bullshit. I’m sure that my weight will end my existence way before my cell phone does.  The only time cell phones are dangerous is when I shove them down maraschino avoiding, smoking, technophobic retards (hint, hint).

How about this gem from that article of yours: “As for me, I’ve had it with our age.  This technocratic society has reached a point of no return.  I’m done with TVs, cars, cell phones, iPods, internet bureaucracies, and this false Federal Government that promises to give us everything in exchange for our liberties. “ 

You sound like Mikko’s ilk, which is some real scary shit. Unabomber shit.

Oh yeah, and no more bastardized Joe Walsh lyrics, please. God will get you for that, or, better yet, I’ll make you a permanent chrome grill gnome.

Yours unruly

Goomis

I understand full well the entire diatribe of reasons why we need to get the needle full of foreign oil out of our collective veins. But the main reason remains this: so the fucking Middle East can go back to lobbing sandbags at each other with catapults even the Geico Cavemen would laugh at.  Other expedient energy sources are fine, provided they pass the smell test.  In my own State of Arizona (as well as my regular state of confusion) it should be illegal to build a house without some form of solar energy. It’s called the Valley of the Sun here for a reason, which, of course, is why Nancy Pelosi is pushing for a Phoenix Hydroelectric plan.  Twit.  If you have ever tried to play golf in July here, it’s like the surface of the sun. The skin coming off my back in sheets is a testament to that. You could pee your pants in front of your mother-in-law at 120 degrees and 6% humidity and she wouldn’t know it.  I’m just saying…theoretically.  It’s the only state where your eyeballs actually shrivel. Up until recently, the brain sturgeons on the HOA’s wouldn’t even let you put up a solar panel for fear of ruining you neighbors view! Blistering dorks all.

If I lived around Yellowstone, or in Greenland, I would insist on thermal energy. Ah yes, Yellowstone, natures hot tub, our primordial stew, as it were.  I camp out there often in the hopes that a vertebrate Democrat might one day climb out.

Thermal energy is about the end of my tolerance for these yutzes.  Unless Obamamama plans on spending my great grandchild’s income on updating the entire electric grid, we are all in for an epic fail that magical day when everyone buys their 2010 Chevy Volt. In a few short days, we’ll fry our national grid like raccoons on the third rail.  You’ll see nothing but smoke and the smell of burning oil from their transformers clear into the stratosphere. 

Hybrids, lets talk Hybrids. Jeremy Clarkson said it best in his review of the new Honda Insight in the London Times: “The nickel for the battery has to come from somewhere, Canada usually. It has to be shipped to Japan, not on a sailing boat, I presume. And then it must be converted, not in a tree house, into a battery, and then that battery must be transported, not on an ox cart, to the Insight production plant in Suzuka. And then the finished car has to be shipped, not by Thor Heyerdahl, to Britain, where it can be transported, not by wind, to the home of a man with a beard who thinks he’s doing the world a favor.”

Bingo.

The company in Canada that mines the nickel has the WORST record on environmental pollution of any such company in the world, except China. If the same bearded man from Clarkson-land had purchased a locally made SUV, his “carbon footprint” would move from Lou Ferrigno size to Hannah Montana size. But I’m sure he impresses his like-minded friends.

Now onto florescent lighting. Soon all the U.S. will be forced to buy only the squiggle funny shaped mercury-laden bulbs that you can’t dim, all to save the world. The problem is my noble peons, the Chinese folks that mine the mercury for the bulb are minus the benefit of basic protection, education, or unions.  They are poisoning themselves and the local environment at an alarming rate.

Feeling green, yet? Yeah?  It may just be nausea.

Oh yeah, to meet Obamanation’s new CAFÉ fuel standards, our new cars will be dangerously small and light (they’re only heavy on the bad karma). Check out the crash worthiness tests from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. These Matchbox Cars save you money all right. You won’t need to purchase a coffin.  They can just lower you into the hole after the Jaws of Life fail to extract your libertard ass.

Fuck global warming.  Winter sucks a big wet one anyway.  We as a Nation, have lots of drilling to do right here. Offshore drilling MUST happen. The Exxon Valdez was 30 years ago, you tree hugging unshaven green teethed idiots.  Get over it. I want energy I can afford to buy. Clean energy I can’t afford to purchase is a waste of everyone’s time, with the exception of the Green lobbyists, those Congressional “Remoras” that hang on to our politicos to rid them of excess money that may be hanging around their gill slits.

I ♥ dead dinosaurs

Goomis

The origins of clinical neuropsychology are rooted in efforts to address the effects of head injuries sustained by soldiers during World War II.  Neuroscientists prefer to study brains when they are not functioning properly, Abbey Normal, if you will.  In other words, why wait for the next world war?  There is a wealth of knowledge studying Bush and his minions, right here, right now (Jesus Jones, 1990).  Bush can, and should, be studied in every psych 101 class.  He is the quintessential example of almost every brand of tortured logic.  Robert A. Burton, MD has recently spent a great deal of time studying the neural underpinnings of knowing, and what he discovered, much like Pokey’s fascination with the Shit Goblins, is both intriguing and frightening.  Dr. Burton looked into how we know what we know, and his answer is surprising (he doesn’t know). 

First, here’s what we are certain about certainty.  Cognitive dissonance is that quirky tendency to continue to cling to a belief despite overwhelming conflicting evidence.  My favorite example involves an exit poll during the 2006 election, wherein 70 percent of Republicans polled in Kansas felt Bush was doing a good job (2006, this millennium, the U.S.A., Earth.  Seventy percent approval rating); roll that around in your mouth for a while.

Delusional disorder is fascinating from the standpoint of psychotherapy.  Many people with delusional disorder are seemingly “normal”, until you mention the Mafia or the CIA and suddenly you’re talking to a combination of James Bond and Fox Mulder.  The symptoms of delusional disorder are cross-cultural but the themes are culture-specific.  There is a new American-made theme emerging that I would like to designate “The Illuminati Disorder:.  They are already among us! 

The basic psychological pitfalls we learn about in those Ivory Towers of Academia are the common cognitive distortions.  Briefly, here’s a few put into recent historical context (limited to one example per distortion, which proved challenging):

• Groupthink: Everyone thought there were WMDs (Reality: it was only one source, British Intelligence).
• Conservatism Bias (Ignoring any new evidence.): Stay the course.
• Focusing Effect: After 9/11, the world post 9/11 has had a dramatic 9/11ish impact on post 9/11 strategy and 9/11 thinking.  Oh, and by the way, 9/11.
• Irrational Escalation: Someone knocked down our buildings.  We cannot find the perpetrator, so let’s do something with these bombs.  Where is Iraq again? 
• Illusion of Control: I will spread Democracy throughout the Middle East (one naked pyramid at a time). 
• Omission Bias: The United States does not torture (unless taunted).
• Outcome Bias: Like Truman I will eventually be appreciated for liberating the Iraqi corpses…er, people.
• Planning Fallacy (aka, underestimating task-completion): The war will last six days, six weeks, I doubt six months.
• Base Rate Fallacy, Framing, and Confirmation Bias (cherry picking statistics.): Fill in your favorite Bush statistical distortion here ___________ .
• Post-Purchase Rationalization: Yes it’s about the oil and, of course, the value of my Halliburton stock.
• Wishful thinking: See any and all Bush and Cheney related statements made between 2003 and 2008.

The best example of Bush mental lapses is called the Dunning-Kruger Effect.  This is a double-your-trouble thought distortion, wherein you screw something up so badly at the onset that you compound the problem by never realizing you goofed.  Example: do I have to say it? These can be overcome through the application of cognitive/behavioral therapy and/or daiquiris.  President Bush, completely abstinent and having no access to a therapist, well, you get the picture. 

Another perhaps less known phenomenon is something called temporal illusions.  Essentially our brain makes believe it knows things it can’t possibly know.  Such distortions of reality occur not only on a cognitive level, but also on a perceptual one. Our brain, in essence, fills in the gaps.  This happens as we perceive things and then again, even more so, when we recall those fond memories, like those days in the sewers of Gotham battling back the Shit Goblin hordes.  Can you hear the CHUDS, Fernando?  Essentially those who believe we create our own reality may be onto something, even from a neurological perspective (Pokey is convinced the Shit Goblins have already infested our culture, but how does he know this?). In another slightly less delusional example, I felt Bush was wrong at every turn and on every policy since early 2002, and, as it turns out, I was wrong once. 

Our unreliable memories and interpretations of events are rather stunning. There are at least eight major memory pitfalls to which we are all susceptible. Psychology has come at it from a variety of angles with only one result: we’re facockda.  Studies have created false memories in otherwise psychologically healthy individuals (quite easily).  Even knowing the experimental design, participants still refused to believe the memories were false.  Back in Faber College, circa 1987, L. Wolfe, Dave, Pokey, Bald Tony, Oscar, Pierce and I rarely agreed on the events of the night before.  In my version, I always got the girl, won the pool game, outsmarted the TKEs, and ended the night singing a riveting rendition of “Freebird” to thunderous applause (bad example, I really do sing a mean “Freebird”.)  The point is, the police account on the back of my crumpled citation always painted a very different picture.

A new piece of this neurological puzzle leads us back to Dr. Burton’s research on the neural underpinnings of knowing.  The good doctor concludes that we do not decide things on a conscious level. Didn’t you ever wonder why all of those ‘aha moments’ seem to happen when we finally stop thinking about the problem?  Burton asserts that all of our decisions are fundamentally unconscious.  Well, it does explain my dating choices in college.

This is why a nuanced perspective is a considerably higher perspective than fundamentalism.  “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”  This is why there is not nearly as much space between Pat Robertson and Osama Bin Laden as there should be. 

Artists and mystics have always attributed knowing to something beyond themselves.  The choices behind inspiration then become: (1) individual hidden unconscious thought, (2) the collective unconscious, or (3) God.  We know our brains continue to work on problems after we stop thinking about them, and even during sleep.  For example, my unresolved problems with Jessica Alba often involve a late night trip to the hamper. 

Burton also discovered the area of the brain linked to certainty is not the cerebral cortex, but rather a much more primitive section, the limbic system (the same part of the brain associated with addiction).  Not only are our final decisions unconscious in nature, but Burton asserts that once these connections are established, they are difficult to override (similar to the addiction pathways).  This creates a “pattern of expectations” that has a life of its own.  In addicts, once these superhighways between the amygdala (emotion) and the hippocampus (memory) are forged, we are forever more susceptible to Pavlovian-like triggers, such as passing that bar or hearing that Floyd song on the radio (Robinson, Berridge and some other guy).  This isalso the case when we start getting down on ourselves; negative thought patterns become a broken record of sorts. 

Unless we can really make truly independent thoughts, we shouldn’t trust them.  But how can we trust anything these days?  Personally, I wanted to go Afghanistan and kick some Al-Qaeda ass in 2001, but now, a few short years later, I trust nothing but my own conclusions (even those are shaky).  Case in point: sorry about ordering that last round of car bombs, Vicky, I’m not usually like that.

Don’t forget to add a collapsing Constitution and a failing global market, which is priming us for some major fictitious neural nitpicking (MFNN). Bush and Roveian tactics have amalgamated the paranoia in our society to a fevered pitch, which will further interfere with our ability to make rational decisions.  You see, stress further impairs thinking., as if our own brains weren’t screwed up enough.  Neocons remain convinced that to protect ourselves we must embrace a slew of antisocial policies that do not have a prayer of bringing about the desired results.  Even faced with the last eight years of catastrophic leadership, they are more afraid of democratic bleeding hearts than of their own sociopathic policies. Not to be out done, liberals will bring ideology to absurd levels.  Nancy Pelosi will not allow the harnessing of wind and solar energy in the Mojave Desert, because she can not see that alternative fuel alternatives are more important than the view along route 40 (Let’s not forget how solar energy could disrupt the indigenous desert sand gorgons).

I believe, along with others, that each ideology can be matched to a specific level of consciousness.  This thought is revolting to liberals, who again suffer from flat perspective thinking.  Sand has as much right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as our children.  Both left and right agendas are somewhat delusional if you ask my clinical self (don’t ask my non-clinical self; he likes to kill young women for sport). 

In the Journal of Neuroscience, Dr Tali Sharot recently discovered that we tend to choose things that ‘light up’ a particular area of the brain.  Activity in this brain region, namely the caudate nucleus, actually predicts choice.  Depressing isn’t it? 

So where does this leave us?  We decide things with an unreliable, easily impressionable, rigid, blinky brain that makes its decisions unconsciously, wonderful.  Add an inherent stubbornness to change established viewpoints, and we, as a species, start to suck at this whole rational-thought thing.  Free will, becomes Free Willy, becomes Will Farrell.  I don’t know what that means; I guess Will Farrell just lights up my caudate nucleus.

It sounds like our species has some work to do if it ever hopes to move toward anything resembling informed independent choice.  The government, the media, the Democrats and the Republicans are not to be trusted.  Only your own judgments, free of bias, can reach anything resembling the truth.   Maybe this is why my predictions have come to pass over the course of the last decade, or, then again, maybe I just suffer from Hindsight Bias.  I think I will sleep on that, drink some daiquiris, and dream of Will Farrell.

With all this talk of swine flu, pandemics, surgical masks, and violent testicular eruptions (VTE), I just wanted to point out a flu things you should know:

1. Swine flu does not cause violent testicular eruptions, except in lab mice.
2. Surgical masks are a freaking JOKE.  If you really think a paper surgical mask with leaking gaps all around the interface between it and your face are going to prevent you from being exposed to a sub-micron sized virus, I have a bridge to nowhere to sell you in Alaska. Surgical masks are designed to keep particulate-sized droplets of spit from spraying out of a surgeon’s mouth and into your gaping chest when doctors are performing that bypass surgery you needed after your ill conceived Big Mac eating contest. They cannot and do not stop you from inhaling airborne bacteria or viruses (or inhaling Big Macs for that matter). If you wear a surgical mask it does a far better job at protecting me from you than it does protecting you from me. And I own an Uzi, which further complicates things.  On the other hand, surgical masks may make women think you’re a doctor, which should moderately improve your chances of getting laid tonight.
3. Don’t eat pork.  Pigs are cloven-hoofed animals anyway, and everyone knows eating the meat will give you swine flu.  Really?  Have we all porked our educations that badly?
4. Don’t eat horse meat. You’ll catch Venezuelan Equine Encephalitis (VEE).  Really.
5. The 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic killed somewhere in the neighborhood of twenty million people.  There are over six billion people on the planet now.  Therefore, even if the Swine flu kills as many people as the 1918 flu, that is only 0.3% of the world’s population. Just trimming the fat from a historical perspective. That equates to approximately 1 person per 300.  McDooris can kill more than that with one malt-liquor-enhanced beer-fart and, no, the mask won’t help (I tried it my sophomore year). And don’t talk to me about percentages of the 1918 population and percentages of the current population, you’re either on my side or you’re on the side of the virus.  Stay the horse.
6. This is not The Stand.
7. Every year in the U.S., over 20,000 people die from the flu. This number can be as high as 50,000 deaths each year, depending upon how you link flu-related deaths and you’re ability to effectively use an abacus.  That’s the “normal” flu we are all used to.  It’s irresponsible for mainstream media sources to be blowing this swine flu thing so far out of proportion.  Yes, WHO is tracking a potentially serious flu outbreak; yes, some precautions are necessary; yes, some people will die, but, no, it is not necessary to scare the crap out of everyone.  That will happen naturally, after you contract the flu. On the Brightside, think of the money you will save on colon cleansing products.  Besides, hyping nonsensical news items is our job. You mainstream media people keep to biased reporting and quit encroaching on our turf!  After all, we have, in true alpha male fashion, pissed in every virtual corner of this website.   This is another reason Winslow should stop paying the Ghetto Shaman in malt liquor products.
8. The best thing anyone can do is wash their hands.  Wash them often.  People are freaking disgusting in my opinion. I have sat in the public crapper many times, in my traditional Senator Craig-like wide stance, and heard some gross bastard drop a juicy loosie, wipe insufficiently, and walk right out without so much as turning on the faucet. (He’s probably the same guy making your Big Macs, by the way).  Wash your goddam’ hands you gross, degenerate! And not just after the bathroom; wash them often.  Remember, that gross bastard has to open doors with the same door handles you do. (Another disgusting side note: your olfactory sense functions by detecting small particles that create a sensation of smell. So, if you smell that disgusting bastard in the crapper, well, I’m sure your surgical mask blocks that little particle. It’s certainly bigger than a virus, and therefore you can’t smell it; or can you?).  
9. Lastly, don’t freak out.  Don’t go all Pierce Winslow on us.  Do be sensible: wash your hands; keep your kids informed but not hysterical; and by all means keep spending money to stimulate the economy.  This isn’t the Black Death. Flogging yourself won’t beat out the demons, and the death carts won’t be rolling through your streets anytime soon.  Unless, of course, my itchy Uzi trigger finger says otherwise.  Look at it this way: when it’s all said and done the human race will be a little stronger for it and we may lose some of those gross, never-washing-their-hands degenerates.  Peter Sellers had it right when he said, “this is a swine flu, but this too shall pass.”

Al Gore and the environmental stewards of the world have been pushing us to stop burning fossil fuels before we all shrivel under Venus-like greenhouse effects into tiny crispy-critter char-balls (CCCBs).  OK, Alfonso, we all agree something needs to be done.  We all want to reduce our carbon footprint, although maybe in the U.S. “carbon ass-print” is more like it. One option, which I have written about previously here at the Discord, is wind energy.  Certainly breaking wind makes us all feel better.  But, solar energy is another option recently championed by the green meanies.

“Solar energy, the ultimate sustainable energy source!” they say.  “Free energy!” they say.  “A hybrid in every pot!” they say.   “Free sustainable hydroponic pot energy!” they say.   Sorry.

But whoa, cowboy, there are problems with solar, too.  Al Gore and his one million in Nobel Prize money won’t say it, though.  First, there is a significant carbon ass-print associated with the manufacturing of solar panels.  Second, there are all those batteries that are needed to store the energy for all those times when and where the sun don’t shine.  Batteries have a HUGE carbon ass-print, and beyond that, they have all those nasty heavy (and very toxic) metals in them, like Algorite.  But there is another more troubling problem with solar power in this age of fossil fuelism, a phenomenon known as Global Dimming. 

You’ve never heard of Global Dimming?  No.  Sorry.  We are not talking about that child left behind.

Didn’t you watch An Inconvenient Truth?  Oh, that’s right, good ‘ol Al ‘forgot’ to mention it.  Perhaps it ended up on the cutting room floor in favor of the segment on the long history of the Gore family farm, or the segment on the sister who died of lung cancer.  Or, more likely, it wasn’t discussed because Global Dimming is sort of an inconvenient truth for An Inconvenient Truth.  It would damper some of the green crowd’s enthusiasm if people actually understood this phenomenon.

So what is Global Dimming, you ask?  Well, surprisingly, it is one of the primary factors that have proven that global warming (oops, sorry, that’s not PC) global climate change is occurring and is directly related to human activity.  Here is the 30-second overview (or the 30-minute, if you’re that child left behind):

• In the 1950s, an Israeli scientist conducted detailed measurements of the Sun’s energy in order to improve evaporation calculations and design better irrigation systems in Israel.  The study was very thorough and included dozens of locations throughout Israel.
• In the 1980s, that same scientist conducted the same studies again at the same locations in Israel.  He found that the Sun’s energy reaching the earth’s surface had been REDUCED by over 4% from the levels measured in the 1950s. “Holy Milk and Honey, Batman!”  So, he went back and checked everything about the 1950 and 1980s experiments and found that he had done everything right.  Indeed, the Sun’s energy reaching the Earth was definitely 4% less than in the 1950s.
• Why is this reverse trend happening?  Increased volcanic activity?  Cyclical changes in the suns output?  Zamboni Gypsies?  Shit goblins? No…but those are all good answers.  How about particulate pollution from the burning of fossil fuels?  Huh?  This is the correct answer. All we are saying is give smog a chance.
• After publishing his findings, this scientist was ridiculed by many and berated as a crackpot.  A decade later, however, substantial lines of evidence from all over the world were vindicating his study and providing additional lines of evidence.
• In the 1990s, an intensive multinational effort was conducted that proved, beyond a shadow of a shit goblin, that particulate pollution from the burning of fossil fuels has indeed led to the 4% reduction in the sun’s energy reaching the earth’s surface over much of the globe.

So what are the consequences of this global dimming?

One truly frightening revelation is this: without global dimming, the effects of global warming (er, climate change) would be significantly more obvious to us than it is today.  In fact, global dimming, and its associated cooling effect on the Earth, has actually tempered the heating effect of greenhouse gases.  One obvious problem becomes this: the moment we actually start reducing fossil fuel pollution, there is likely going to be a significant spike in the heating effect of the current levels of greenhouse gas as the amount of our sun’s energy reaching the Earth’s surface increases dramatically. 

How is that for irony?  And that’s real irony, not the Alanis Morissette kind of irony, which really isn’t irony at all; isn’t that ironic?  Don’t ya think?

Second, global dimming actually significantly decreases the effectiveness of solar energy sources.  Be it photovoltaic cells or reflective heating technologies, global dimming decreases the effectiveness of these alternative energy solutions and makes them much less cost effective, which, in turn, means you need more batteries, more plastics, more this, more that, and next thing you know we are all sitting in Cabana chairs sipping boat drinks by some shriveled up Lake in Saskatchewan looking at a stuffed Polar Bear and thinking to ourselves, wow, they must have lived with those Mastodon thingies back in the day.

Pass me another boat drink, will ya’?  Whew, it’s hot.  Oh, we’re out of water and ice…all right, straight-up then.

People are breaking wind in a big way these days.  Wind breaking for energy means big bucks.  Some analysts estimate $20,000 per back acre a year in royalties (if you can convince your neighbors to put up with the unpleasantries).  Beyond that, you can rent portions of your back acreage to others, allowing them to break wind as well, and substantially increase your earnings.

Some say we’re missing a key market sector in the U.S. by ignoring our ability to break wind. “U.S. wind should be way passed gas,” stated entrepreneur Gus T. Breece at a recent energy conference.  “Germany and Spain have developed their wind way beyond our current capacity, and they don’t have nearly as much wind as we do.  Americans are the windiest,” continued Breece. “I do not know if it’s our fast-food diets, all the high-fructose corn syrup, or Rush Limbaugh, but we definitely have more wind than any other country.”

Wind to energy is an increasingly viable option for this country.  The central part of the United States has a strong wind corridor that goes from Pampa, Texas, to the Canadian border. In addition, it is the best location from a security and safety standpoint.  The chart below shows the highest potentials for breaking wind in the U.S.

Estimates of the wind resource are expressed in wind power classes ranging from class 1 to class 7, with each class representing a range of mean wind power density or equivalent mean speed at specified heights above the ground. Areas designated class 4 or greater are suitable with advanced wind turbine technology under development today. Power class 3 areas may be suitable for future technology. Class 2 areas are marginal and class 1 areas are unsuitable for wind energy development. Source: USDOE.

 Breaking wind is catching on.  Just this month alone there were wind breaking ceremonies held at over 150 new turbine sites.  A leading spokesman, Sully Haines, from the Fanular Air Rotating Turbine Co. (or F.A.R.T), states “these events bring many people together to celebrate the breaking of wind.”

 “I broke wind in 25 states last year,” said Breece.  “I like to break wind in some of the more remote areas of the country because my wind breaking is generally a larger undertaking than is advisable in more populated areas.”

 Wind breaking is not without its’ shitfalls, however: “We had a real tragedy at one of our wind breaking sites last fall,” sharted Breece.  “It was such a large wind breaking event that over a dozen bald eagles were reportedly killed outright.”  Birds are apparently very susceptible; they can be knocked right out of the sky.  “It’s almost like one of those Biblical stories,” continued Breece. “You know, where birds just drop dead in mid-flight, and end up turning into pillars of salt in burning bushes or something.”

 Wind power is clean, renewable, and abundant.  Currently, just under 1% of all of our electrical power is wind generated (Source: DOE).  By the year 2030, the DOE projects that almost 20% of the U.S. electrical demand will be supplied by wind.  Harnessing all of the potential wind energy in the U.S. with today’s turbine technology would produce over 150% of the total U.S. electrical demand.  As wind technology advances, that potential capacity can only increase.

 So let’s decrease our dependence on foreign oil, people. So let’s get out there and break some wind today.

In 1999 an outbreak of disease previously unknown to North America was identified in New York—the West Nile Virus. You may have since heard of it. In 2001, the anthrax attacks on the U.S. utilized a pure (or even weaponized) form of the bacterium that many experts agree could have only been manufactured under tight laboratory conditions at an expense only possible in a state-sponsored program (as opposed to Bin Laden’s cave-sponsored programs). In 2004, an outbreak of a potentially pandemic viral disease appeared in China before achieving a high fatality rate around the globe (not related to their food industry prowess).

Is it possible that these two viral outbreaks and the anthrax attacks were sponsored by foreign government’s bio-warfare research programs? Is there a relationship between these two outbreaks and the anthrax attacks? Are these incidents perhaps bio-warfare ‘research’ studies? Are these geocentralized pragmatic infections establishing a new paradigm in disease propagation? Hmmmm.

West Nile Virus

In recent years, West Nile virus (WNV) has emerged in temperate regions of Europe and North America, and presents a threat to public and animal health. The most serious manifestation of WNV infection is fatal encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) in humans and horses, as well as mortality in certain domestic and wild birds. WNV has also caused human illness in the US in recent years (Source: CDC).

WNV was first isolated from a febrile adult woman in the West Nile District of Uganda in 1937 (West Nile Nancy). The ecology was characterized in Egypt during the 1950s. The virus was recognized as a cause of severe human meningitis or encephalitis in elderly patients during an outbreak in Israel in 1957 (West Nile Nitza). Equine disease was first noted in Egypt and France in the early 1960s, and by the 1970s it started to effect horses (West Nile Nelly). WNV first appeared in North America in 1999, with encephalitis reported in humans, horses, and a centaur named Bernie. The subsequent spread in the United States is an important milestone in the evolving history of this virus.

WNV has surfaced in Africa, Europe, the Middle East, west and central Asia, Oceania (subtype Kunjin), and most recently, North America. (Source: CDC).

Outbreaks of WNV encephalitis in humans have recently occurred in Algeria in 1994, Romania in 1996-1997, the Czech Republic in 1997, the Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1998, Russia in 1999, the United States in 1999-2003, and Israel in 2000. Epizootics of disease in horses occurred in Morocco in 1996, Italy in 1998, the United States in 1999-2001, and France in 2000, and in birds in Israel in 1997-2001 and in the United States in 1999-2002. (Source: CDC).

In the U.S. since 1999, WNV human, bird, veterinary or mosquito activity have been reported from all states except Hawaii, Alaska, and Oregon. (Source: CDC; see Figure 1 and Figure 2).

H5N1 – “Bird Flu”

Influenza A virus subtype H5N1, also known as A(H5N1) or simply H5N1 (you sunk my battle ship), is a subtype of the Influenza. It is a virus that can cause illness in humans and many other animal species. A bird-adapted strain of H5N1, called HPAI A(H5N1) for "highly pathogenic avian influenza virus of type A of subtype H5N1,” is the causative agent of H5N1 flu, commonly known as "avian influenza" or "bird flu".

The first known strain of H5N1 (called A/chicken/Scotland/59) killed two flocks of chickens in Scotland in 1959, before it was cornered in a windmill by a pitchfork and torch wielding mob, where it was eventually burned; but that strain was very different from the current highly pathogenic strain of H5N1. The current dominant strain of H5N1 evolved between 1999 and 2002 creating the Z genotype. It has also been called "Asian lineage HPAI A (H5N1)". Donated to Tyson foods by the Bin Laden Food Corp (Not a joke!).

H5N1 is easily transmissible between birds, facilitating a potential global spread of H5N1 (see Figure 3). While H5N1 undergoes mutation and re-assortment, creating variations which can infect species not previously known to carry the virus, not all of these variant forms can infect humans. H5N1 as an avian virus preferentially binds to a type of galactose receptors that populate the avian respiratory tract from the nose to the lungs and are virtually absent in humans.

H5N1 is mainly spread by domestic poultry, both through the movements of infected birds and poultry products and through the use of infected poultry manure as fertilizer or feed (Ieatbirdpoopo.com). Humans with H5N1 have typically caught it from chickens, which were in turn infected by other poultry or waterfowl. Migrating waterfowl (wild ducks, geese and swans) carry H5N1, often without becoming sick. Many species of birds and mammals can be infected with HPAI A(H5N1), but the role of animals other than poultry and waterfowl as disease-spreading hosts is unknown.

Anthrax

Anthrax is an acute disease in humans and animals that is caused by the bacterium Bacillus anthracis. It is highly lethal in some forms. Anthrax is one of only a few bacteria that can form long-lived spores. When the bacteria’s life cycle is threatened by factors such as lack of food caused by their host dying or by a change of temperature, the bacteria turn themselves into more or less dormant spores to wait for another host to continue their life cycle, or for another Star Trek episode.

Anthrax can enter the human body through the intestines (ingestion), lungs (inhalation), or skin (cutaneous) and causes distinct clinical symptoms based on its site of entry. Inhalation anthrax, if left untreated until obvious symptoms occur, will usually result in death, as treatment will have started too late.

Theoretically, cultivating anthrax spores can be done with minimal special equipment and a first-year collegiate microbiological education. It wasn’t me, honest! To make an aerosol form of anthrax suitable for biological warfare requires extensive practical knowledge, training and highly advanced equipment (I’m talking to you, makers of the Jack LaLanne Juicer!).

Concentrated anthrax spore containing postal letters were used for bioterrorism in the 2001 anthrax attacks in the US, killing five people and infecting 17 others. Only a few grams of material were used in these attacks and it is unknown if this material was produced by a single individual or by a state sponsored bio-weapons program. The crime remains unsolved. But where exactly was Jack LaLanne?

Other things that make you go “Hmmmm.”

WNV ecology was characterized in Egypt in the 1950’s; meaning, Egypt was researching the virus at that time. The 1956 Israel initiated the Arab-Israeli War on October 29, 1956, and a cease fire was eventually signed on November 6, 1956. Israel withdrew from key points in the Sinai Peninsula in 1957. The first WNV outbreak involving severe meningitis or encephalitis occurred in Israel in 1957 (Remember West Nile Nitza?).

WNV first appeared in the U.S. in 1999. The U.S. Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi , Kenya were bombed in August, 1998. The U.S.S. Cole was bombed in Aden, Yemen in October 2000. Hmmmm.

WNV first appeared in the U.S. in New York City. The WNV strain in NYC seemed to be unusually virulent, resulting in meningitis or encephalitis and caused 12 fatalities. NYC was the primary target in the 1993 terrorist attack on the U.S. (WTC bombing) and I hear something vaguely related may have happened in NYC in September of 2001. Hmmmm.

The 1999 US virus was very closely related to a lineage 1 strain found in Israel in 1998. Hmmmm.

WNV is only transmitted through mosquito vectors, which bite and infect birds/mammals/humans. Not the sort of thing a mildly ill passenger on an airplane (e.g., traveling from Israel to the U.S.) would easily spread to other passengers. Yes, yes, I remember, I had the lasagna. Hmmmm.

WNV has three different effects on humans. The first is an asymptomatic infection; the second is a mild febrile syndrome termed West Nile Fever; the third is a neuron-invasive disease termed West Nile meningitis or encephalitis. In infected individuals, the ratio between the three states is roughly 110:30:1 for naturally occurring WNV. Mortality occurs in less than 1% of these clinical cases. In 1999 in NY, outbreak surveillance identified 59 patients who were hospitalized with WNV. 63% of those patients had clinical signs of encephalitis and seven patients died (12 percent). Communicable Disease Program, New York City Department of Health, New York 10013, USA. Hmmmm.

In 1985, the U.S. delivered 5 shipments of biological material to Iraq as part of a program to provide aid to Iraq during the Iran-Iraq war. Those shipments included engineered strains of anthrax, West Nile virus, and other pathogens along with the equipment and expertise to manufacture and continue research on these organisms and delivery methods. (CDC) Hmmmm.

In the 1990’s, while under intense scrutiny from the U.N., Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein bragged to Arab leaders that he had “his final weapon, developed in laboratories outside Iraq.” There were several independent intelligence reports at that time that indicated that Iraq was sponsoring a biological weapons program outside of Iraq in order to avoid U.N. scrutiny. During that same period, Iraqi scientists and technology were frequently traveling between Cuba and Iraq. Hmmmm.

There have been many scientific reports documenting serological evidence that WNV, in various forms, is present in Cuba, Puerto Rico, and the Florida Keys. It is considered highly unusual that these differing strains would be present in the Western Hemisphere unless there is some periodic re-infection. Hmmmm.

The Chinese government was one of the first signatories to the Biological and Toxic Weapons Convention in 1972. China has repeatedly denied an offensive biological weapons program since that time. However, Soviet Union weapons experts have reported the known existence of a biological weapons facility located in a remote region of China in the 1980s. Coincidentally, in that very same region of China during that time, there were two separate documented outbreaks of viral hemorrhagic fever; a rare and deadly disease typically caused by a viral pathogen. Hmmmm.

The very same technologies and methodologies necessary to manufacture and prepare viral hemorrhagic fever pathogens can also be used to manufacture and prepare other viral infections, such as H5N1. Hmmmm.

Review the information below and pleasant dreams:

Figure 1. The Spread of West Nile Virus in the U.S. – 1999 to 2007
1999	2000
2001	2002
2003	2004
2005	2006
2007

Figure 2. 2000 WNV Case Map for New York.

Figure 3. H5N1 Case World Map.

The French and Swiss governments unveiled a new weapon of mass destruction costing in excess of nine billion dollars. This weapon, the most terrible and destructive force ever conceived by man, will soon swallow the Earth in a man-made black hole. Those of the mind that France is already a stinking black hole will not be entirely surprised by this development.

This massive superweapon has been developed with the financial aid of the European Union and the United States under the name “Large Hadron Collidor” (with the spiffy – yet fairly unimaginative – abbreviation of LHC). This supposed physics experiment is designed to find the Higgs Boson particle and to study high energies like those present during the Big Bang. Higgs Boson? Nine billion…to look for something that sounds like it hails from Hazzard County? Ge-ge-ge, I’m going to get those Higg Bosons ge-ge-ge.

It has been said that results of experiments using the LHC could prove Superstring, Grand Unified, or the Hawking Wet Dream (HWD), theory.

What is it?

The Large Hadron Collidor is a giant machine located on the border of France and Switzerland. The LHC consists of a 27 km circular “tube” at the European physics research facility known as CERN. Essentially, it is used to accelerate particles to very high speeds and energies, crash them into targets, and study what happens.

What is it really?

A weapon.

How does it work?

Imagine I give you a fancy watch, say a Rolex, and ask you to tell me exactly what it’s made of. I give you no tools and make you wear boxing gloves. How can you do it? Well, you could throw it against a brick wall and study the pieces on the floor. (In this analogy, you = LHC, and the Rolex = a particle.)

What is it Supposed to do?

In Search of the ge-ge-ge Higgs Boson

The Higgs Boson is the holy grail for particle physicists in their on-going quest for the meaning of life via the life of Brian. Fine, you try working all of the Python movies into a single sentence sometime, wise guy. The Higgs Boson is a crazy particle that only exists, theoretically, at very high energies. Current particle accelerators can generate the energies required to create a Higgs Boson, but it’s unlikely to actually happen. So how does this translate? Nine billion and we only get Boson? Or part of Boson? I never even liked him anyway (hours of my life waiting for a brief Daisy Duke short shot. Butt I digress). The probability of finding Higgs or Boson is so low that no one has ever even seen a Higgs Boson in all the years of operating these high-energy, high cost particle accelerators. Although, one scientist from the Oak Ridge National Laboratory claims that one of the ‘o’s from the Higgs Boson may have rolled behind his desk during a staff x-mas party.

In order to increase the probability of finding one of these rarest of particles, we need a higher energy accelerator than anything yet in operation. Enter the French and their half baked plans to destroy mother GAIA by hurling her subatomic children at the proverbial wall. Besides, what’s the big deal with this Higgs Boson anyway? Well, it has to do with the gauge invariant piece of the Standard Model of Particle Physics. What the hell is that, you ask? Apparently, there is broken-gauge-symmetry with respect to the electroweak force (one of the two fundamental forces of nature). Huh? Well, in order to explain this breaking of gauge invariance there needs to be another field, these are called the Higgs field, which eventually get us to the Higgs particle. If the Higgs field actually exists, then all is well in the Universe. If the Higgs particle is found not to exist, something else must have rolled under that desk back at Oak Creek. Physicists refer to The Higgs field and Higgs particle as minimalist theories. A minimalist theory is the simplest explanation for a phenomenon, which may well be related to ‘Occam’s Ferret,’ but don’t quote me on that (Wikipedia is down).

What makes the LHC a Suspected Superweapon?

First of all, its name is misleading. Is it a Large Collider of Hadrons or is it a Collider of Large Hadrons? This double speak proves this deceptive rouse is actually a superweapon designed to swallow the earth.

Second, the French are involved, and everyone knows that the French are elitists bent on global domination. With this superweapon they won’t need to actually fight anyone, they’ll just suck the Earth into black holed oblivion, along with their own Sartre-like nihilistic asses. No good existential hump wads (EHW).

Third, particle accelerators already exist around the world that can produce energies adequate for studying all of the 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd generation particles. Why go any further, especially on the first date?

Fourth, there is no need for such a facility, and here’s why. The Standard Model of Particle Physics, proposed in the 1960’s, is essentially unchanged. This is a highly accurate theory that has been tried and tested for over 40 years—truly an amazing achievement. We can now describe and predict almost all aspects of how the universe works on the smallest scale. In fact, it’s only at very high energies in very unique circumstances that the Standard Model of Particle Physics runs into some very minor discrepancies. It’s so good, in fact, that it has been used to accurately calculate the dimensionless magnetic moment (g-factor) of an electron to 13 decimal places 2.0023193043622. How accurate is that, you may ask? Here’s an analogy:

Let’s say you were going to drive 10,000 miles south from Anchorage, Alaska— exactly 10,000 miles, with an accuracy of 13 decimal places. I want you to tell me where you would end up.

Figure 1. Punta Arenas, Chile

You may say you’ll end up in South America somewhere. That’s accurate to about 1 decimal place. You may say you’ll end up in Chile somewhere. That’s accurate to about 2 decimal places. You may say you’ll end up in Punta Arenas, Chile. Now we’re talking, you’re really honing in on it! That’s accurate to about 3 decimal places. Nice place by the way, Punta Arenas. Lovely red-light district.

Anyway, assume you want to predict where in Punta Arenas you’ll arrive. How about at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes? That’s accurate to about 6 decimal places. You may say you want to arrive at the base of the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas. That’s good to about 7 decimal places.

So how close would you need to be to get to 12 decimal places of accuracy over your 10,000 mile trip? In order to be accurate to 12 decimal places, you would have to predict your final location to within the width of a human hair!

Figure 2. Statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes

Why did I run you through this exercise? Anything we could potentially find out from the experiments at the LHC could only improve our accuracy in describing and predicting our universe to the 14^th decimal place. It’s not going to change anything in those first 13 decimal places. Nine billion dollars for one measly decimal place! These experiments will provide no practical benefit for you and I. It’s as useful as predicting our arrival destination at the statue of Hernando De Magallanes at the Museum de Hernando De Magallanes in Punta Arenas after driving from Anchorage Alaska to within 1/10 of the width of a human hair.

Seems there must be a little more to this Franco-Swiss project, perhaps a military application, hmmm?

Besides, did I mention the French are involved?