Arts & Culture

Arts & Culture

Another Shopper Vanishes Into the Bloomingdale Triangle

Another Shopper Vanishes into the Bloomingdale Triangle

The disappearing shopper was last seen purchasing a Gucci handbag on Fifth Avenue, before shopping quietly into oblivion. The role-playing video game manufacturers of the same name are protesting any association. A retailer at Gucci remembers the woman, “She had about a dozen bags slung over every appendage. She could barely carry them all. I distinctly remember the smell of burning plastic about her. It was an unpleasant smell that made me a little queasy. I didn’t think anything of it at the time as that happens here a lot.”

When asked if any hope remained for the woman’s safe return, Dr. Hogbein said, “I’m afraid she’s gone platinum. At the point of her last purchase, economic pressures literally crushed her in a process known as Citi-fication. Yes, I just made that up.”

The Discord’s Search Truth Quest team sent field reporter Cokie McGrath into the heart of the phenomenon with a pile of CEO Pierce Winslow’s credit cards. The plan was never authorized so this will be the last day Mick Zano will be working for The Discord. McGrath was last seen leaving Saks Fifth Avenue in a hazy cloud of burning plastic.

Just before she disappeared someone reported hearing McGrath say, “Hi ho, Silver, away!” …which is odd, because she was using a gold card.

Artificial Self-Esteem Bolstering for Dummies

Pokey McDooris

Data collected from a recent questionnaire given to freshmen college students suggests the self-esteem of our nation’s young people is rising, while their merits and achievements are steadily declining. Consider the implications: increased self-esteem accompanied by decreased test scores and marketable skills equals…well, just peruse the better part of the Daily Discord contributor list.

Let’s consider a case study of our own Little Johnny, a normal all-American child with an idyllic upbringing. Johnny’s parents taught him that he was a very special child. Under the guidance of social workers, his parents made their whole world revolve around Johnny. He was very well provided for–whatever Johnny wanted, Johnny got.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s psychologist told his parents and teachers that Johnny’s anxiety and anger were triggered by unusually harsh demands being placed on him and by being told “no”, the other “n” word as Johnny’s parents now refer to it. Johnny’s school stopped imposing consequences on Johnny for his aggressive outbursts; instead his teachers now give him stickers, prizes, and toys, whenever Johnny goes an hour without assaulting anyone.

Good job, Johnny.

The school no longer uses the word ‘teacher’ when describing their relationship with Johnny. You see, the word ‘teacher’ implies that this person is hierarchically ‘better’ than Johnny. This phrasing could hurt Johnny’s feelings by making him feel inferior. In order to best bolster Johnny’s self-esteem, whenever we document or discuss our interactions with Johnny we will now be replacing the phrase ‘Johnny refused to follow his teacher’s directions’ with ‘Johnny chose to reconsider his associate’s suggestions.’

Good job, Johnny.

Other refined words and phrases:

Old School New School
Johnny broke the rules Johnny chose to explore alternative options
Johnny lied Johnny spoke words inconsistent with reality
Johnny punched a peer Johnny coordinated his motions in such a way as to interfere with another’s comfort
Johnny threatened a peer Johnny spoke words foreshadowing an ill-fated future for another
Johnny told the teacher “fuck you” Johnny expressed a desire to develop a deeper intimacy with his associate

Johnny’s school doesn’t believe in failure, or the “f” word as his teachers now refer to it, so Johnny will be graduating high school with honors even though he can’t construct a grammatically correct sentence or add without using a calculator.

Good job, Johnny.

And Johnny’s a great athlete. He sits on his bean bag chair for hours playing football, boxing, baseball, and hockey. He’s destined for greatness. Johnny’s also a Navy Seal, a Ninja, a Supreme Allied Commander, and sometimes even a grand auto thief.

Good job, Johnny.

On Facebook Johnny is the producer, director, and star of his very own personal reality TV show called ‘Everybody Loves Johnny.’ He’s very popular. He has thousands of friends.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s extraordinary talents don’t translate well into the normal workforce. A person of Johnny’s caliber doesn’t perform well when other people tell him what to do. Good thing that Johnny can make more money by not working. Johnny’s caseworker is helping him obtain social service benefits, medical assistance, behavioral health coverage and welfare. Johnny might even find a scholarship for college. I think that Johnny will be very successful.

Good job, Johnny.

Johnny’s story should inspire us all. No longer do we need to be burdened over stressful standards of achievement and personal responsibility. Just like Johnny, we’re entitled to access all the glories of greatness without ever having to leave the comforts of our government subsidized home.

Good job, society.

Yes, It’s All Part of a Vast Left Wing Conspiracy, Called Thinking

Mick Zano

Arguing with you is fun, Pokey, but occasionally has a banging-your-head-against-the-wall feel to it. We find ourselves in two different camps these days. I used to think I was slightly left and you were slightly right so our arguments were hashing out some important middle ground. Alas, today it seems like there is a universe between us. Bridging that widening gap is possible, we just need to find a way to…oh, wait, I’m being told Congress has blocked funding for any Gaps or any bridges…uh, yeah, we’re screwed.  

Point 1: The government spends tax money on activities that may well conflict with one’s conscience:

This first point is its own debate. I hope to coordinate with you soon about this. Suffice to say, you’re wrong. So for now everyone kindly allocate one point to me and let’s move on.org.

Point 2: The IRS Targeted Republican Groups: (All Pokey quotes snatched from his last post, here)

Pokey: You flippantly justified IRS agents targeting conservative groups by writing, “Its group wanted to shut down the agency that I work for and they were looking for a tax break to do it, ‘Uh, oops what happened to that application?” The same thing probably happened to those emails. This statement of yours, Zano, shows your argument’s flaw and the essential the flaw in your evaluation of the Obama administration.

Zano: Um, no.  I have said all along this is a very real scandal….for the IRS. I am dismissive of this as an Obama scandal, because last time I checked the IRS is not part of the Obama Administration. I have no problem holding these people accountable, or my quote:

Am I excusing the IRS’s behavior? Certainly not—heads should roll and will,5/13

My hypothetical IRS worker self should be fired, but keep in mind most people despise the tea party. The extreme right will find an uphill battle for all of their battles, because they’re starting in an ideological valley, which is more of a pit dug out from under an outhouse.  

Don't Poop On Me
[Patrioturd comment flushed by the editor]

I kid out of love. 

I think it will be a tough conviction even for the IRS, because the law is too vague. Again, that’s not to say Congress won’t endlessly try for some convictions—what else do they have to do?—but the law itself allowed for these shenanigans.  This is no small point. It’s probably another unwritten fringe benefit to holding the presidency. Obama tried to tighten that law. On that note, I have a rare retraction. Whereas I predicted Obama would tighten this law, he only proposed to, but republicans blocked it in Congress.

Shock poll: no one shocked by this.

Whereas Fox News is always wrong and doesn’t bother with retractions, I do retractions even when I guess something wrong. Spoof is King!

The GOP doesn’t want to stop this practice; they don’t want to govern. They’re only interested in making political hay from this political horseshit. They are solely motivated to impeach Barack Obama for reasons they can’t quite articulate. Besides, Obama will not be linked to this scandal, because:

A.) There really is no direct or even indirect connection to The White House or:

B.) Obama is smarter than anyone trying to catch him (Meep, meep).

Calling it a scandal before proving any wrongdoing is:

Fox News: Fair Balanced and Unafraid
Fox News: Fair Balanced and Unafraid,
Fairly Unbalanced and Making You Afraid

Pokey: The Tea Party didn’t just want to shut down the IRS, it wanted to shut down the Obama Presidency as a whole. So by your very “reasoning” (quotes added to incite annoyance), you would look the other way (which you are obviously doing). There is real wrongdoing if the Obama Administration gave the signal to its thugs to target his political adversaries.

Zano: Okay, so even if Obama had a *good motive* (asterisk added to give the illusion of grammatical prowess), it doesn’t imply guilt. Again, when we discuss presidential scandals the operative word is “presidential*.

(Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this!)

So I ask again, why did Bush do this? Why is solid evidence surfacing that this practice has gone on for decades, here? Republicans refuse to discuss anything meaningful, because they are too busy blocking any real reform. Besides, their propaganda business is percolating. I realize covering only the truth would be a tough transition for Fox News, I mean, what would they do with the other 23 hours?  Back in the day, when I covered Bush scandals, I didn’t have to guesstrapolate with Sean Insanity. I don’t remember Keith Olbermann going, “Where was Monica Lewinsky during the Bush years? Hmmm. Our president is a male, so he had the motive….oh, there’s no evidence? Well, just add this to Bush’s scandal list anyway. I’m sure W was blowing some Dick in the Oval Office.”

[Cheney joke omitted by the editor]

Point 3: Let’s Placate the Terrorists:

Pokey: My point was not to complain about Obama’s refusal to call a “terrorist” a “terrorist”. I complained that by blaming the terrorist attack on a video, the administration emboldened our enemies, which we have obviously been doing throughout the Obama Presidency.

Zano: So terrorists weren’t emboldened when they flew planes into our buildings, but they’re emboldened now because of a successful strike against an outpost in Libya during a power vacuum? Okay.

I don’t think a drone landing on a terrorists’ head and then exploding is within the spirit and meaning of the word placate. I assume you prefer the Cheney model for battling terror, aka, attack the wrong country for the purpose of shady contract kickbacks (trickle-drone economics?).

Pokey: The Obama Administration was directed to blame the attack on the video rather than the people who did the attacking. The video was “hateful and offensive” (Susan Rice), “reprehensible and disgusting” (Jay Carney), “disgusting and reprehensible” (Hillary Clinton, who should have used a thesaurus), and “two thumbs down” (Siskel and Ebert). And these are just the responses to your last post, Zano (ba dum bump).

Zano: Okay, there is mounting evidence the person who organized the attacks cited the video as a reason to move up the attack date. But, hey, let’s ignore what the guy who planned the attack said and, instead, focus on republican theories (hint: those who dated the apocalypse as occurring pre-2014, have a better record at prognosticating).

Pokey: The administration should never have mentioned the video as being a fault in the attack. That’s making an excuse. What was the cause of the Benghazi attack? Plain and simple, it was Islamic fascists. I don’t care how they justify their violence.

Zano: The master planner of the embassy attack is in custody. A republican president would have let the guy slip away and then invaded Jordan. You are mistaking couth with weakness. We used to talk all the time about how the Bush/Cheney—and now Netanyahu—model only foments hatred, violence and terror. Obama’s approach is being touted by moderate Muslim and Middle East experts as the way to go.  He is trying to win the long game, not each bullshit news cycle.  This is an incoherent approach to republicans, which is your first clue it’s the best course of action.

Pokey: I have speculated that the Obama Administration has embraced the “reprehensible movie” narrative for its own self-serving reasons. I realize that this is just speculation, but it makes the most sense to me. Leading up to the 2012 elections, President Obama was promoting his “we’ve greatly weakened terrorism throughout the world” theme as a prime selling point for his upcoming election. A terrorist attack on the anniversary of 9/11 didn’t fit his PR campaign so he got everybody on board to blame the attack on the video rather than the terrorists. That’s the point Zano, and you’re refusal to accept this point makes you a “denier.”

Zano: I strongly deny that allegation! You are absolutely right, in that Obama didn’t come out and say how this attack epitomizes his failed foreign policy, because it’s:

A. Ridiculous.

B. No politician ever puts things into the worst possible light, ever (see: politicians).

Remember, Bush won the Iraq War in 2003, which is a bit more of a stretch. Frankly, this is semantics. Look, if only four people died on any given day during the Bush Administration, they would have thrown a party. Obama is simply doing what I suggested years ago, utilizing a different and a more targeted approach, which includes cooperating with other governments and using only limited military interventions as a last resort. Capture or kill our enemies without inciting unnecessary violence and recruitment. Is any of this coming back to you? Ultimately the Middle East will be decided by people who live in the Middle East. Nation building and large military campaigns are a joke, not unlike every other solution the GOP supports…uh, on any given topic.

Okay, I usually try to end with a joke…umm, I got nothing. Wait, here’s one, Pokey’s full feature.

I kid out of love…really.

Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous

Gays Forcing Nationwide Califabulous

Republicans fear this movement is gaining traction. Even in the homophobic heartland, gays are working diligently behind the scenes to replace general stores and good ol’ boy saloons with playhouses, boutiques and gay bars.

“Our forefathers did not envision a gay nation,” said AM radio douche, Rush Bimbo. “I can speak for all of the people who founded ‘Merica, and these freedom loving, curly wig and high-heel wearing He-men—uh, did I mention pantaloons donning?—anyway, they were all dead butch, is my point.”

The current LGBT group now emerging is far more radicalized. They follow a much stricter form of homosexuality. Yes, it’s now LGBT as the Q has officially been dropped from their name.

“No more questioning or queer,” said one member of a lesbian militant group. “You are either with us, or pressed up against us. Every day is going to be gay pride day, every day there will be dazzling parades because it is time to break the chains of heteronormativity, unless those chains are from that certain club I frequent on weekends.”

The White House has ruled out the use of drones in this battle over sexual identity and gender. “Look,” said Obama, “large vibrating things targeting these people will only entice them. Besides, I am a supporter of this movement, even if I do not embrace all of their tactics, except at that certain club I frequent on weekends.”

Breaking Vlad?

Breaking Vlad?
Mick Zano

Here we go again. Everything the republicans predicted about Russian tanks in the Ukraine…uh, tanked. Is the Russian Bear on the Prowl? Is a New Cold War Inevitable? Is Obama’s Weakness to Blame? One easy trick to being a wonk these days is to just stick the word NO after each and every Fox or Drudge headline. It’s kind of a trade secret, so shhh. Shock poll: Foxeteers still shocked by this fact. Predictably, Putin never took another step after his Crimean Vacation. To cut to the Chevy Chase, Angela Merkel just spanked him so he’s now sending eCards to Obama. Aren’t you glad you rely on a spoof news site for your actual news? Discord has exclusive info on this world leader teleconference. Hit full story.

This week German Chancellor Angela Merkel laid the Krauthammer down, so to speak, and helped broker a real and hopefully lasting ceasefire in eastern Ukraine. The Discord has exclusive information on what transpired during this historic phone conversation:

Merkel: Vladimir, darling, it’s time for you to take your little guns and tanks and go home.

Putin: But can’t I play just a little longer?

Merkel: Certainly, as long as you don’t mind a much lower allowance.

Putin: Yes, ma’am.

Obama: Hot dang, you go girlfriend!

Merkel: Barack Hussein Obama, hang up this phone immediately! I thought we already talked about this!

Obama: Yes ma’am.

(click)

This conversation, in turn, caused Putin to send Obama some high-end vodka and a little Thinking of You card this week, full story here.  I want to state again for the record, I’m not trying play the I told you so card, but I am trying to play the I’m sure the WWIII thing would have worked out well for a President McCain or a President Romney card.

Key Point: any 21st century election of a republican president—with absolutely no ties left to something called reality—would spell disaster for this planet. They would spell it wrong, of course.

So a spoof news blogger has more insight than an entire political party? That should be a kick in the teeth…um, if their base had any. Sorry, gotta have some fun. Thankfully, Medicaid Expansion is fixing some of their teeth, here, so maybe I’ll have my chance yet.

I admit this Ukraine scenario started off weird. Republicans say all kinds of dumb shit, every day, incessantly in fact, but typically nothing pans out. It’s like reverse magic, but the invasion of Crimea and Russia’s threatening posture toward Ukraine was predicted by folks like Romney and Palin. In fact, Palin said she could actually see this all unfold from her house. I don’t think anyone could have foreseen the shaky situation in the Ukraine and the co-occuring mess in Moscow that made all of this possible. Never the less, the GOP predicted something that actually happened, on Earth, in this dimension, which is almost unprecedented in the 21st century.

However, as things started to ramp up my message to the republicans was don’t pop your champagne bottles just yet. Remember, even when it looks like that one in ten shot is coming through for them, never underestimate the ability of the GOP to get it wrong.

Coming from a conservative perspective, here is what fellow Discord contributor Pokey McDooris had to say on the matter:

“Remember when President Obama boldly drew that red line in the sand with Syria over the use of chemical weapons only to have Daddy Vladdy step in and take over for Baby Bama? I would suggest to you that Vladimir Putin encouraged Syria to step passed that red line and to call Obama’s bluff. I would also suggest to you that Vladimir Putin has been encouraging Iran to develop a nuclear bomb.”

Pokey McDooris

(Hint of the Day: coming from a conservative perspective is synonymous with dead wrong):

Remember, they can’t discern chess from checkers or see the forest for the Kievs. Here’s my only retort for that deductive gem:

Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition
Syria Disarms, Despite Republican Opposition, The Discord got this one right and...uh...that's about it.
The Discord got this one right and…uh…that’s about it.

Here was my rebuttal quote at the time:

“Putin’s options suck, especially if he goes one step further. You see, the world runs on something called money—a fact your side insists upon—so the projected long term benefits for Russia, post this little annexation exercise, looks grim. He can’t occupy the Ukraine, easily, and all the other former Soviet borderlands are already sending Angela Merkel flowers and chocolate. It was a fool move, thus the right’s ability to predict it. Republicans have fool moves down to a…oh wait, they don’t believe in science.”

—Mick Zano, Putin Is Not Playing Chess, Crimea Is More of a Fisher-Price Thing

Post the invasion and annexation of Crimea, republicans were convinced a weak Obama had allowed Russia to creep back into a position of power. Of course, nothing could be further from truth (hint: republicans can never be farther from the truth, which is also covered in my Quandumb Mechanics theory and the Zanoberg Principle.

I said, from the beginning, this was a move made from desperation that would ultimately backfire. Putin was never going to come out of this smelling like roses. He did have an opportunity to crash the global economy, for sure, but that was the extent of this “power move”.

Since then—and at least in part because of the annexation of Crimea and the subsequent sanctions—Russia is on the verge of another recession and Putin is receiving the economic message from the rest of world, loud and clear.

I encourage everyone to just take a moment to really absorb each news cycle. Look at each conservative prediction, on any given topic, and then do something they refuse to do, look at what ultimately happened a few weeks or months later. It’s uncanny. If I end up wrong on a major issue, it’s probably going to come when I ignore my instincts and say to myself, naaah, they have to be wrong again. This is very dangerous and may well be by design, but whose? This has been my fear all along, republicans will cover an important truth in a pile of their usual Foxel matter.

…perhaps, but not today.

I believe 21st century Republicans have invented their own reality. The consequences of this can be minimized if we continue to keep them out of office.  Don’t boycott businesses for someone’s religious beliefs! Don’t come down to their level. What you need to do is vote in the mother-blanking midterms, you mooching, socialist hipsters before I slap that PBR out of your hand.

Breaking: Alex Bone Has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him

Alex Bone

Collapsing Shack, AZ—This week, quiet unexpectedly, Alex Bone called for a press conference at the Discord Tower and almost four people showed up, well, if you count Ballz and Zano. Once they had settled into Mr. Winslow’s bean bag bunny chairs, Boneman cleared his throat and addressed the historic assemblage:

“I am announcing today that I have been infected with an Alien Chest-buster,” said Bone. “As you may know, these beings typically gnaw their way through a person’s chest in a matter of hours. I, however, have survived with this one living inside me for over three weeks now!”

He raised a finger, as if to emphasize a point, but then quickly lowered it and raised a bottle of IPA instead. “How have I done this, you ask? How have I succeeded where others have just burst apart by now? (Burp.) It’s simple, it involves eating the right combination of beer and hamburgers. I’ve found that as long as I drink about forty beers a day and eat ten hamburgers an hour, the little guy seems content enough. In fact, I have named him Snookie-wookie.”

He stopped to rub his tummy, slammed down a hamburger in three bites, and then chugged two beers. His eyes then misted over a little. “The rest of you men have no idea what it’s like to feel a life growing inside of you. It is a magical… oh, we have a question. Yes, Zano.”

“Is this why all the communal beer has gone missing this week?”

Bone mumbled something, before saying, “Next question.”

When no one asked him anything, he looked at Ballz and said, “You had a question?”

“No I didn’t.”

“No, I think you did.”

After an awkward pause, Ballz said, “Don’t the aliens grow pretty quickly after they burst out of their victims? Why hasn’t this one just grown through you?”

“A very good question… I have no idea. Maybe it loves its new mommy.”

“And my beer,” added Zano.

After Bone kept his audience from wandering away with a promise of sharing his cheeseburger stash, he said, “So I’m sure all of you are wondering what’s next from here.”

“Were you?” Zano asked Ballz.

“Not really.”

Bone hurried down another hamburger and then chugged an IPA, before he held up a glossy covered book that read An Alien Inside: Skip the Beer and Stand Clear.

“We are going to have a book signing tour!” said Bone. “After the talk show circuit I plan to… Hey, come back, I’m not done yet. Maybe you guys could try to dress up like Aliens when I open my new hamburger chain. Can you guys sing Ragtime Gal, by chance? I’m calling it Buster Burgers and each burger comes with a side of a highly corrosive acid for a dipping sauce. Get it? And you should see what we’re using instead of fries. Guys… guys? Oh, can someone run down to Diablo Burger and the Pay-n-Take? It’s kind of an emergency.

Breaking: Alex Bone has an Alien Chest-Buster Living Inside Him

Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count This High in Roman Numerals

Apology VXIC: Yes, We Can No Longer Count this High in Roman Numerals

There is simply no excuse for our recent feature: GOP Critical of Japanese Response to Giant Lizard. As it turns out, Godzilla never attacked Japan in his latest rampage. Instead, the king of the monsters headed to San Francisco, thus the Golden Gate Bridge scene in the preview. Zano wrote the article and submitted it a few weeks prior to actually seeing the movie. After I noticed the error, this is his email response:

“Damnit Winslow! There are only a few things one can count on in this troubled world and Godzilla’s ongoing desire to destroy Tokyo is high among them. Post Fukushima, Godzilla, a creature attracted to radiation, should have been even more inclined to return to his favorite stomping grounds, pardon the pun. Besides, any attack on San Francisco should have been better coordinated with our national gay pride day, which occurred a mere two months after the release. Besides, why not just Photoshop Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S (2003) onto the image? Do I have to think of everything? Hey, why not watch the film first to make sure he actually attacks Tokyo in this version. You can even use my Netflix password, which is Winslow = Douche.”

For Zano’s submission Ten Children Vanish During Jackson’s Cirque du Soleil Performance, which was late by the way, I pointed out how Cirque du Soleil hails from Canada, not France. He told me the troupe left France, “to avoid the lousy customer service and nasty smells associated with their cities.”

Finally, as it turns out, you cannot use an equal sign in a Netflix password. This is another of his mistakes within mistakes, a phenomenon we have come all to accustom to here at The Daily Discord.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO

P.S. Oh, and The Onion is never going to hire you, so stop being such a whiney bitch.

Guided by Voices: Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix 6/15/14

Tony Ballz

There isn’t much happening in this whitebread shitkicker state that makes me want to leave my comfortable womb up here in Cowtown. Guided By Voices playing in Phoenix on a Sunday night did the trick.

Bro and I do not own vehicles so we hopped aboard the shuttle on a bright sunny Sunday afternoon, excited at the serious drinkin’ and rockin’ soon to commence. As usual, I zonked out by Munds Park and woke up around Black Canyon City. I managed not to drool on my Bill Hicks t-shirt.

We arrived at the airport and stepped into the oppressive Phoenix heat. I felt a vague urge to hibernate during the day and stay up all night on schwag speed. We took the Sky Train to the Light Rail, which was well-maintained and convenient but only because it was 7pm and our destination was literally one block from the Van Buren station.

Several of my Valley friends have waxed poetic regarding the wonders of Phoenix’s timid foray into public transportation: “I just hopped right on and it dropped me a mile from my house! Isn’t that awesome?”

No, it’s not. The Light Rail might qualify for awesome if this was 1964. For a metropolis in 2014 with 4.3 million residents, it’s pathetic. Other U.S. cities have buses and trains that take you anywhere you want, anytime. Here in good ol’ Arizonee the whole damn system shuts down from midnight til 6am. Why? Because you kids should be home asleep, that’s why. Only lowlifes are awake that late.

As the sun set, we sat on the Crescent Ballroom’s patio and consumed beers and shots and tacos while enjoying the Downtown Phoenix Aging Hipster Parade. I discovered one of Bro’s shameful secrets: he’s a beaner who hates cilantro. May God have mercy on your eternal soul, Bro.

We saw a woman with a GBV tattoo and got excited. Our vague hopes of finding two available ladies (of any age) who were rabid fans of drunk power pop performed by men in their 50s were dashed when we remembered where we were.

For the unenlightened, Guided By Voices is a rock band from Dayton, Ohio that has intermittently existed since 1983. The man behind the curtain is 56-year-old Robert Ellsworth Pollard Jr: former 4th grade English teacher and mild mannered family man by day, beer chuggin’, mike twirlin’, high kickin’, rock and roll golden god by night.

GBV’s reputation rests on their energetic sloppy alcohol-fueled marathon live shows, and the Phoenix gig sure delivered. Toward the beginning of the set, Pollard uncapped an ice cold handle of tequila, took a few gulps, and surrendered the rest to the audience. I had trouble deciding which songs to miss for a bathroom run. I would be mid-pee and hear them start a real good one and curse my weak bladder.

And holy crap, they played Motor Away and Game Of Pricks and Echos Myron and Teenage FBI and Tractor Rape Chain and A Good Flying Bird and Gold Star For Robot Boy and Exit Flagger and A Salty Salute and Wished I Was A Giant and Awful Bliss and 14 Cheerleader Coldfront and The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory and Cut-Out Witch and I Am A Scientist … about 40 tunes in all. Goddamn!

From a high like that there was nowhere to go but down, and down we went. Bro got into an argument with a bartender and they all glared as we inhaled our post-show nachos. We had to catch the earliest shuttle home since Bro worked in the morning, so back to the airport we did go. Of course it was past midnight, no train or bus, so a cab was our only option.

Sky Harbor to Crescent Ballroom via Light Rail = $4 (2 tickets)

Crescent Ballroom to Sky Harbor via taxi = $24 + tip

Fuck you, Phoenix.

Sky Harbor Airport is probably the only public spot in the Valley where two drunken lunatics like us could wander around at 2am without getting arrested. I highly recommend it. We didn’t go sliding down the luggage ramps or anything, we just had the complete run of Terminal Four without one sign of Airport Security. It kind of felt like The Langoliers.

We did manage to smoke a bowl outside in the departures area. I dimly recall yelling “GBV!” through the empty tunnel while eating leftover nachos. Somewhere in here we discovered the Starbucks was open and I got a tasty iced chai. Then we went back outside and smoked another bowl.

It was fun until the booze wore off, then it sucked. We still had hours to kill, so Bro crashed on the floor while I slumped in a chair like a sack of spuds. When 7am rolled around we found that they had overbooked the shuttle, so eleven of us crammed into a vehicle designed for eight.

Sweating and hung over, I was wide awake the whole 3 hour ride up. The Korean tourist to my right kept falling asleep on my shoulder while Bro lost his lunch in a plastic bag directly behind me. After finally disembarking, I rode my bike homeward into some of the worst gale-force winds I’d ever experienced in Flagstaff.

I got home, drank about a half-gallon of water and fell in bed. I said a quick prayer to Jah for Bro and the workday ahead of him. Luckily I was unemployed and had no such responsibilities.

Maybe I should get a car.

Mount Rushmore: What Went Right and Wrong

Mount Rushmore: What went Right and Wrong
Pete Christensen

Mount Rushmore was built on The Six Grandfathers Mountain of South Dakota on land stolen from the Lakota Sioux in the war of 1876 to 1877. The name was changed to “Rushmore” to honor a wealthy East Coast banker by Carrie Swancey, the sister of Laura Ingalls Wilder, who later went on to name Washington’s professional football team. Okay, strike that last part…

The monument was first proposed by Doane Robinson in 1923 to increase Black Hills tourism and to celebrate the first 150 years of North America’s history. If only they’d just gone with my idea of a nice parade.

The original sculptures were Guston Borglum and his understudy Korczak Ziolkowski. The initial idea was to honor five key people:

  1. Lewis and Clark (those who explored the West).
  2. Chief Joseph of the Nez Pierce (those who inhabited the West).
  3. Wild Bill Hickok (those who tamed the West), and:
  4. William F. Cody, also known as Buffalo Bill Wildwings (those who kept the Western spirit alive through the use of spicy sauces).

However, when President Coolidge got involved, he demanded the idea involve politicians (go figure). Borglum, who’d become famous by carving the Confederate Memorial on Stone Mountain, Georgia wasn’t really interested in the idea of a Native American sculpture, an idea championed by his partner Ziolkowski.

In 1925 Borglum settled on an immense figure of a young George Washington in a three cornered hat. Funding ran out so they considered a two cornered hat for a time. To avoid controversy, and secure funding, Coolidge insisted on two democrats and another Republican joining Washington.

Several times attempts were made in congress to add figures to Jefferson, Roosevelt, Washington, and Jackson, who were eventually told they should watch their own figures. These other proposals ranged from Ronald Reagan, John F. Kennedy, and astronaut Neil Armstrong. All were defeated, so in 2010 The Daily Discord nominated Rush Limbaugh and rock singer, Geddy Lee, but only because they were trying to be clever.

Despite a public outcry to add Susan B. Anthony in 1937, the project went forward as planned. Ziolkowski left the project when partially completed, as some claim Teddy Roosevelt’s chin frustrated him greatly.

The state of South Dakota has made millions from Mount Rushmore. The Sioux nation has sued for one-tenth of one, one hundredth percent of the money earned from “Black Hills Gold‟. They’ve repeatedly been defeated in both state and federal courts. Not because they’re wrong, but because reparations on this large a scale is a slippery slope, one the United States can’t afford to get involved in. Instead, a portion of all proceeds from Mt. Rushmore tourism should be awarded to the Sioux Nation, to be used strictly for education and job development.

In 1939, at the request of Chief Henry Standing Bear, Ziolkowski began work on the Crazy Horse Monument. Crazy Horse never had his picture taken. His image is depicted purely from spoken descriptions and folklore. He was stabbed in the back by Army scout Little Big Man and died shortly after. The army buried the Oglala Sioux leader in a deliberately hidden grave.

Despite twice being offered ten million dollars by the federal government to complete the project, the family has refused. It should take another thirty years to complete this project and it will be eight times bigger than Mt. Rushmore once complete. It will be indisputably the largest sculpture in the entire world.

Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona

Loaded Gun Found in Toy Store Deemed Legal in Arizona

The head of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre, said, “The loaded gun, placed in that toy aisle after a pro-gun activist photo shoot, was on the second shelf…fairly high on the 2nd shelf, I might add. The weapon, a beauty by the way, was situated above the Fisher Price toys, precisely the age group we hope to start marketing to…well, once we get a few more like-minded Supreme Court Justices on the bench. Meanwhile, I am grateful Arizona is out in front on this issue. I am happy to say Arizona will continue to arm their 5-8 year olds.”

When asked what he thought about arming children who suffer from conduct, impulse or autistic disorders, LaPierre said, “Excellent point. This is precisely why we need to stay ahead of this problem. We need to keep normal republican children packing some serious heat. If we hadn’t sufficiently armed our children, the FAO Schwarz shootings and the Toys ‘R’ Us rampage would have been much, much worse. In order to save lives we need to gun down those irresponsible toddlers as fast as possible.”