The Ghetto Shaman,

Do you follow politics? If so, what party?

Indigo Montoya (YKMFPTD!!!!!)

Dear Indigo,

I lead politics, I don’t follow anyone. Except maybe that one chick, but I was eventually acquitted. And I like to hit all parties whenever possible. Politically, I am a member of the Transcosmetic Party. I have no idea what that means, exactly, but I came so close to understanding it one night on a disturbing combination of mescaline and malt liquor.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. And it took a team of our finest here at the Discord to interpret your acronym. Well done, sir! Luckily we have several Princess Bride fans here on staff.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

When I sent you a question about “transforming your demons, not fighting them”, you agreed and suggested I transform them into hot chicks (which you never posted on this site, by the way). But the Buddha’s first trial was lust. He would never have obtained enlightenment listening to you!

Lou-E

Dear Lou-E,

Yes, I remember the correspondence. The spiritual development of humanity has surpassed what it was in the Buddha’s time. The universe is unfolding and, in some cases, disrobing. I sat under the Bodhi tree, nailed the shit out of everything that walked passed, and beat the Buddha’s best time. Fear is still the same trial, though, so don’t be afraid to pork away, pal.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How do I kill my ego? What’s the fastest way? I’ve just been stumbling along the spiritual path.

Stumblin’

Dear Stumblin’,

Sneak up behind a group of chicks talking about you. It killed mine in under forty seconds.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

How does one Awaken the Shaman? I hear this a lot lately and would love to hear your take.

Wendy

Boise, ID

Dear Wendy,

Awakening the Shaman is key! You are very wise. I would approach by the feet or shins and gently nudge me while calling my name softly. Otherwise I wake up swinging. Trust me, you don’t want that.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are there any Cliff Notes for enlightenment? Any shortcuts? I have read everything from Maharishi Mahesh, to Genpo Roshi, to Toltec friggin’ wisdom and I am in a spiritual wasteland, man! I’m not growing compassion, I’m growing old, I’m growing tired, I’m growing ulcers!

Gary

Dear Acid Reflux,

No one can do this for you, Gary. Gurus, meditations, the very Dharma itself can only point you in the direction. In my case that direction would be south. Try rereading chapter two of my Booty Sutras: The Sanctity of the Spank-titty. But If I tell you anymore I could actually hinder your spiritual growth. No, really, I will…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I have been desperately trying to engage in rough sex, but my boy toy is terribly concerned about harming me. I was thinking about safe words or maybe some good phrases. Do you have any ideas?

Sincerely,

Sub Missy

Dear S&M,

Your safe phrase should be, “I’m calling your probation officer!” and a good word might be “revocation!” Well, those were mine and they worked like a charm, until my sentence was reinstated May of 2007. I am sorry for your loss Mr. and Mrs. Wilkens. I’m just an excitable boy.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Of course, I had to come up with a completely new set for Bubba.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I want to meet my totem animal. How best to bring about this important spiritual encounter? Thanks ahead of time.

Flailing Spiritually

Dear FS,

Your totem animal never needs to be sought. Your totem animal is always right beside you. In fact, I can sense the bond between you and your…oh…oh dear. I hope you didn’t like those shoes. Bad totem animal!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Try baking soda to get out the smell. You’re welcome.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

The key to success is treating every special lady like she’s the only special lady. I know, this sounds simple but trust me brothers…it’s not! The first step is to keep them separated. No good comes from mixing these two groups of fierce females unless of course you’re interested in near death experiences. The next step is to keep all important dates, names, and events separate. There’s nothing like giving “Cindy” a gift for “Candy’s birthday.

Blair

Dear Blair,

What is the question you crazy ass bitch? I answer the questions…you ask the question. How could you possibly mess this up? But you should read my book Balancing Being & Bimbos. It’s a game changer for any and all players.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Crazy bitch

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Is the recent rash of cannibalistic bath salt incidents the beginning of a zombie apocalypse?

Jeets

Dear Jeets,

Yes. Just prior to their arrival, the Mayan Gods often send the devourers to purge the world of flesh. You should probably prepare by purchasing Michael Griffith’s novel Eternal Aftermath, wherever fine post-apocalyptic fiction is sold. The movie Motel Hell also covered the subject effectively, because remember it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Face…it’s what’s for dinner.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am depressed, but I’m actually enjoying it. I just love sitting around and moping about and then following it up with some serious feeling sorry for myself time. Isn’t that paradoxical? Should I take meds? Or should I seek more traditional services?

Mindy

Dear Mindy,

I don’t have any “credentials” per se, but I believe I can help. You should celebrate your depression with my new product Spunk be Gone. It’s fast-acting so you’re slow acting ass never has to get off the couch ever again! You might augment your misery by purchasing my work Stillness Burps and Other Gastral Projections. This way you will learn how to look like you’re meditating when you’re actually sleeping. Chapter four really gets at the heart of your dilemma: I’m Pro-zac but Anti-Depressant.

The Ghetto Shaman