Dear Ghetto Man,

How come it says “updated Fridays” on your site, yet you never update anything until Saturday, if at all?

Roe

Dear Roe,

Dear Mr. Winslow (pretending to be someone named Roe),

Other than Miller time or Happy Hour, time is human bondage…and not the fun kind. Have you heard of Navajo Rez time? It’s kind of like that for me, only i use a sundial that a friend of mine recently yuked on. I think it’s half past pepperoni, so we should be good this week.

Sinoften,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who are you voting for in November?

Shirls

Dear Shirls,

I’m sticking to the person I have faithfully stood behind through thick and thin. I can, without hesitation, fully endorse—you heard it here first on The Daily Discord—Carrie Underwood. She will be American Idol’s winner of the 3^rd annual American Country Awards. Mark my words!

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. But I think the award ceremony is in December, not November.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Who do you think should play you in the film (movie) version of your life?

Inquisitively,

George L and Steven S

Hollywood, CA

Dear Directors,

Phyllis Diller just died, so I have no idea. It’s funny you mention that because the screenplay is already written. It’s called The Doors of Deception: a Shaman’s Bail, but we have only raised about 11 dollars from key contributors to proceed with the filming. So we’re close.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I’ve been struggling on the spiritual journey and I’m wondering if there is a difference between suppression and self-discipline?

Half way up the mountain

Dear 50%,

Sure, look at all the different letters in those words. You can’t see that? But to your main point, suppression is only self-discipline squared. They are both products of fear. Living beyond such an internal conflict involves a true freedom that can only be expressed through running down the street naked. Now this is illegal, of course, which only adds to the exhilaration. I think the Discord’s coverage this week of Prince Charles taught us all a valuable lesson. Mainly, the importance of fuzzying out the winky!!! For God’s sake, PhotoShoppers!!! I haven’t seen anything that nasty since Michelle Obama’s new school lunch menu.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Since your Prince Charles coverage, I’m having Post Traumatic Streaking Disorder. Please, I am a young and impressionable Shaman. Thank you Daily Discord, now I may never have sex with old men again.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

What’s your sign? I’m having a party this weekend and wondering if you could enlighten me and my friends.

Michael

Dear Michael,

Umm, my sign is stop, dude! Actually, as a kleptosexual I’m really into that kind of thing, although i’d be more inclined to cum if your name was Michaela. Besides, I already have a previous engagment this weekend. I’m teaching a seminar on Cultural Incomptence at Carl’s Pub…over by the cigarette machine.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto (I wish I was Latino so I could be president) Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Boxers or Briefs?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Boxers are too violent and I have been told on more than a few occasions that briefs are vagina repellent, so I usually go commando. To avoid chaffing, you just need to get calluses started on certain parts of your inner thigh and Voilà.

The Commando Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

If you could raise one woman from the dead to sleep with, who would it be?

Sherwood Digger

Dear Freak,

Phyllis Diller

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S. Mr. Winslow is complaining this is too short this week, so Phyllis Ada Diller.

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the GOP Convention? If so, thoughts?

Pierce X. Winslow

P.S. If you don’t answer this you’re FIRED!!!!

Dear Mr. Winslow,

Kind of creeped me out. I know the heart of the GOP is generally old, creepy, and in some stage of advanced cognitive decline, but to wheel out all three from the get-go was a little much. I switched over to TLC’s Honey Boo Boo. I could report on that if you’d like?

Respectfully deposited,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Most Shamans refer to their spiritual tutelage. You, on the other hand, are infinitely vague about your shamanic schooling and sordid past.

Sincerely,

Bob Frantzen

Albany, NY

Dear Bob,

Fine. I was first introduced to the plant intelligence under the guidance of my master, one Chief Bum-a-smoke Shitstorm, of the Kennedy-King Projects over in Newberry. I was initiated on Ibogaine substitute (possibly nutmeg) and ayahuasca substitute (possibly skunked malt-liquor). The plant spirits told me to quit my job, live on the streets, and teach my people. Thankfully, I was one step ahead of them…already fired, homeless, and quite verbose.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Did you watch the Olympics? If so what was your favorite event? What games would you add?

Zeus from Athens

Dear Zeus,

You’re supposed to ask one question, not three, buuuut since you’re a God. Look, there’s some sort of cognitive disease associated with nationalism these days. It shouldn’t be true, but it is. You cheer for your country and the IQ points slide off like clothing on one of my Barely Legal Kundalini Cruises. I would watch the Olympics if they added Shamanic games like naked soul retrieval, astral belching, or long distance Reiki Robotripping.

The Ghetto Shaman