Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With society collapsing, and all, some believe this is an ideal time to embrace the dharma.  All this fear is only increasing my beer consumption.  You seemed to have reconciled fear and beer.  What’s your secret? 

Tim Ferrence

Dear Tim,

To transcend the Wheel of Samsara, you must embrace many Zen-like contradictions and still make it back for happy hour. Read my latest work: Turn to Face the Great Mystery without Pissing on Your Shoes.  Read this a hundred times, if necessary.  Not the same book, mind you.  Purchase a hundred copies.  Each of my books should only be read once, but many readings are necessary to both transcend this world and to help me fend off the rent spirits.  I have explained to my landlady that I follow the Mayan calendar, so my rent should not be due until the Feathered Serpent ascends the great pyramid.  This argument has thus far failed to have the desired effect.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are those half eaten Buffalo wings hanging around your neck?

Jackson Mitchell

San Diego, CA

Dear Jackson,

Only our oldest legends speak of a time when the mythical Buffalo could take flight across the…  All right, all right, Papa John’s Sherlock. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I don’t understand the Chakra system.  Wasn’t Chakra just that monkey boy from the Land of the Lost?  Or is there more to it?

Sammy Vimes

Seattle, WA

Dear Sammy,

Yes and No. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are obviously a gifted writer, but what was your first book ever?  I want to hear more about your early period.  You know, when you were a struggling artist trying to find yourself.  What was the motivation behind your urge to become a shaman?

Lance Parker

Troy, NY

Dear Lance,

My interest in healing came from a divine hormonal calling, which began with a vision of that chick from Weird Science in a Catwoman costume.  My first book captures the true essence of my desire for self-mastery: What is Enlightenment and Will It Get Me Laid?

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With the current economic crises, I may only be purchasing one book this year.  Any thoughts?  Oh, and what exactly is Midget Reiki?

Yours truly,

Fred Callahan

Dear Fred,

You should wait for my next book Vomiting the Vedic and Other Gastral Projections.  It will change your life.  Oh, and as for Midget Reiki, the Discord only pays me to answer one question a week.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

You are such a prolific writer, where do you recommend beginning?  Reading your work out of order, well, it just loses something. 

Sincerely,

Jake Schmidt

Reno, NV

Dear Jake,

I wrote my first book during my ‘long night of the soul,’ which I called Bernie.  At the heart of my pre-enlightened period, I wrote my first book:  Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t.  I wrote this before I was a Shaman, but after my period.

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

This may be a hard question, but could you come up with one quote that captures the essence of your teachings?  I am really seeking some ‘meaning of life’ stuff and have admired and respected your work for a long time. 

Sincerely,

Jackson Stoltz

Bakersfield, CA

Dear Jackson,

Clearly the most moving statement comes near the end of my work entitled The Spiritual Art of Skull Fucking wherein I tell the feathered serpent: “You haven’t lived until you have performed Der Ring des Nibelungen naked.” 

I hope this helps…

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I am very disappointed in a book I read of yours entitled:  Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way.  I think you are a tad off-message here, and, as a parent, I think the world would be a better place without your ‘teachings.’

Pam Stengle

Taos, NM

Dear Pam,

What? only a tad off??  My teachings and my master have taught me not to react to criticism personally….bitch.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I recently read your book entitled Ten Spiritual Lessons for Drunken Clubbies, and I found it stunningly demeaning to women.

Sincerely,

Flo Petersen

Portsmouth, NH

Dear Flo,

If you think that was bad, you might want to stay away from the second book in my women studies series entitled Battery Operated Vibrational Healing. Just a word to the wise.

The Ghetto Shaman

Ghetto Shaman,

When you said you had ‘private healing sessions,’ I thought you meant you had a secluded workshop or something.  You sick bastard!  I feel so dirty.

I’m suing your ass!

Kristin

Dear Kristin,

All things done to your privates were done in the line of duty—except maybe the part with the snorkel.  Besides, I have no fear of lawsuits, young lady.  I answer to a higher authority…the Lycoming County Parole Board. 

Sincerely,

The Ghetto Shaman.