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Alternate Universe Vindicates Bush

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Mick Zano

Whereas history tends to repeat itself, one necessary element in this process is the time required to forget shit. Typically there are decades or even centuries between identical historical blunders (IHBs) as that’s how the whole eventually-shit-is-cyclical thing is supposed to work. But Republicans are like that guy who gets three DUIs in a 24hr period and then decides to drive to a bar. They’re insisting on F-ing everything up again, not in 2050, but by the end of their next news cycle. Quantdumb?

As we approach the midterms, the GOP’s warp-speed idiocy maximization project (WSIMP) is percolating nicely. Regardless of what you think of Barack Obama, it does not somehow vindicate the W shit-show. According to our local alternate universe, all this country needs is a return to a Bush-style economic plan and a Bush-style foreign policy. I’m not making this up…What’s the worst that could happen? And the far right is somehow becoming the authority on issues again, which is disturbing if you’re forced to live on Earth.

                               

“So the party that was primarily responsible for the years of grinding, bankrupting war, a descent into torture, and an evisceration of many core liberties is now regarded as superior to the man originally tasked with trying to recover from that experience?”

—Andrew Sullivan

This week the Wall Street Journal brings us this gem:

“Real median household income rebounded smartly in the middle of the last decade. That rebound occurred after the Bush tax cuts on capital income and marginal income-tax rates became law in 2003. What’s needed now is a return to policies that put growth as the country’s highest economic priority.”

Smartly? A Bush policy ended smartly? Is this supposed to be followed by canned laughter? If this guy worked for The Discord I’d fire him. Hey, that’s it! Maybe Fox News had a canned laughter machine but they cut funding for it…that would make their segments make more sense—ish.

Dear Wall Street Journal dude, waaaay more jobs were created under Clinton and he approached this problem from the exact opposite direction. There’s no evidence Bush’s tactics created jobs, none. It did create a global economic recession; I do seem to remember something about that…or:

Bush miss MeYet

Meanwhile, now that all economic indicators are improving, our President is slipping even further in the polls. Obama-hate is at an all-time high, higher than even Bush or Clinton, here. Am I missing something? Fox News would say yes, but that’s your first clue I’m not. Obama is beating Reagan on private job growth, here, and overall unemployment is way down, here. All economic criteria are improving, final, so I guess it’s time to F shit up again. Why can’t we connect good news with approval ratings anymore?

Dear Foxeteers,

History will judge Obama’s predecessor much, much more harshly. Funny thing about scholars and historians, they tend to be scholarly and historical.  But luck on your next bullshit news cycle.

Sincerely,

Reality

P.S. And you’re supposed to wait a few decades before making the same mistakes. History is supposed to be cyclical, not news-cyclical. And some of you may now want to look up the word predecessor.

But now that we’re starting another trillion dollar campaign in the Middle East we can recreate the circumstances that existed just prior to the last economic collapse. Awesome! If that’s not cool enough, there are also calls to return to a more Bush-style foreign policy, and by that I mean Obama should invade Ebola.

How did we track from chicken hawk to war weary and then back again to chicken hawk in five minutes? In the republican universe, the Iraq War was essentially all but won until Obama managed to botch the withdrawal which sent the Middle East into a tailspin. And now the right feels somehow vindicated because of Panetta and a growing laundry list foreign affairs complainers.

Hint of the Day:

No one that discusses ISIS has the same idea how we should handle this situation. There are no two identical plans in or outside of Washington. Why? Because there are no good answers, unless you build a time machine and….hmmm, Bush or Bin Laden? 

Yes, Pokey, Obama should have gone to Congress for his little ISIS venture, but I understand the desire to keep the buffoons out of it, especially when the buffoons go, uh, we don’t want a vote, keep us out of it, here. Well, we elected them—okay, not really—they were gerrymandered into their positions by Constitution-loving voter suppressors (CLVS). That makes sense. Besides, it’s legal. Today on NPR General Wesley Clark reminded us how Bush’s requests to wage war on terror were too broad. Giving the executive branch the ability to unilaterally wage war was a mistake—one of many as it turns out.

“In retrospect, what the country needed was a radical break from the Bush/Cheney national security policies: A reestablishment of American moral integrity; a rejection of decision-making based on fear (of terrorism, or of political blowback); a reassertion of the international laws of war; and a national reckoning. Instead, the hopes for any change are slim.”

—Dan Froomkin

In the same article, Froomkin blames Obama for institutionalizing Bush-era atrocities. Pokey recently uttered a similar sentiment, but I don’t think it’s a fair estimation.

As I’ve already said Alert:

Obama was never going to restore the rule of law, in fact, it was naïve to think he would. When Cheney told Obama, “You need to use these new tools to combat terror” and, “You’ll thank me some day” (paraphrased). The implication was, Oh, and if we get hit again and you role this shit back, history will nail you to the fucking wall, bitch, which is probably the only relevant thing Dick Cheney ever said.

But there’s no defense for defending torturers, which is Obama’s true failing, here. Obama should be impeached for this and Bush should hang. But the truth has no place on Fox News, so the only real argument for impeachment will remain on a spoof news site…BENGHAZI!!

Besides the aforementioned torture part, if I were in Obama’s shoes I would have done most of the same things. Does it fly in the face of the Constitution? Sure. Should we be concerned? Yes…especially if we are ever shortsighted enough to hand these tools back over to republicans. They would then use them to torture walruses for colluding with Al Gore on Climate Change and then nuke Canada.

“He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.”

—George Orwell (snagged from a Sean McElwee feature)

There is no event republicans can’t spin and there is no lesson from history too basic for them to misinterpret. We are currently losing this game called reality to a pack of crazy, no-nothing sociopaths. We cannot let this happen. The future you save may be your own.

“Rage, rage against the lying of the right!”

—Dylan Zano

Vintage musings on multiverse theory here.

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Once More Unto the Embassy Breach, Dear Friends

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Mick Zano

So Pokey, I’m brainwashed? I understand Obama’s Muslim strategy and I commend it. In fact, I suggested it years ago…to you. Our more savvy administrations will forever attempt to separate radical Muslims from those moderates as conflating the two would prove catastrophic. This is some of the Benghazi nuance you are calling a scandal. I call it don’t taunt Happy Fun Ball (SNL 1991). Obama will strike what needs striking but will, more importantly, support and foster any and all moderate Muslim voices that might emerge from this Middle East shit-show. He may well back some to a fault. [Sheikh Abdallah Bin Bayyah joke beheaded by the editor.]

There are two paths:

1. Containment of radical groups through drone, airstrikes, and special ops while supporting the rise of Muslim moderates, or:

2. Wider military campaigns that will prove ineffective and will ultimately bankrupt our country.

Obama understands these two choices but will President Clinton? See, I talk about stuff that’s going to happen and try to give recommendations in real time. Solutions are strangely missing from Foxeteer country, aside from the occasional Nuke the Towelheads! comment and other such deductive gems. Not only do Republicans have nothing relevant to add in the moment, they have mastered a form of advanced revisionist-history via glue-sniffing (ARHvGS). You should take note of this and put down the glue, Pokey.

Onward to BEN-GAZZARA! Yes, I made this joke two months after the attack, here, and Maher just used it, like, last week (Real Time with two year old Zano jokes?)

Benghazi Summary Alert (please skip this paragraph, for f*&^’s sake):

Obama called the Benghazi attack an act of terrorism the next day in the Rose Garden.  And, if you think the attack on Benghazi spontaneously happened the same day along with dozens of other attacks across the Muslim world, Obama’s bullshit makes more sense than your “truth”. The mastermind behind the attack, in captivity, allegedly moved up the date because of the video protests. I notice you have no comment on this. Perhaps you should explain to the attacker, why his motivations were wrong.  If there were no wide-spread video protests the same day and no connection to the attack, then Obama lied. And, yes, these radicals were planning this attack, but not on the anniversary of 9/11, because they moved up the date to take advantage of ensuing video chaos, or like this guy said:

“So, of course, the attacks were linked to the dozens of other embassies overrun on the same day. If the GOP can’t connect those dots, we’re going to need some bigger dots. That is why the attack fell right on movie-trailer night. They used the riots as an excuse…you know, to do the old fake yawn and reach around thing. You think this just happened at the precise moment all of those other embassies burst into flames?”

—Mick Zano, Nov 2012

After catching the mastermind and interrogating him, my theory is all but confirmed, which means I’m wrong. So I’m protecting Obama from relaying a valid point. Keep in mind, the real story is this: if Pokey’s narrative proved true, I still wouldn’t understand his point.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog post:

One third of the world identifies as Muslim, so if we declare war on them all, the way our Christian soldiers insist, then we’ve played right into Bin Laden’s hands. And, if we go broke through a series of ill-fated Bush-style military campaigns, ditto. If we employ either of these approaches, we should probably start brushing up on our Farsi. I am already quite adept at Farcey, but I’m being told that’s different. The ultimate answer lies with Muslims themselves. If they further radicalize and too many remain at this dangerously sick level of consciousness, in the immortal words of Bill Paxton from Aliens, Game over, man! Obama understands this, so he’s opting for containment strategies while encouraging and supporting the rise of moderate Muslim voices. He is also trying to get the rest of the world on the same page, which is very hard post Bush. Obama’s is the best approach, even if you and your ilk can’t seem to wrap your [edited]  around it. (Damn…beheaded again.)

“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?”

—Captain Jack Sparrow

On the flip side, Republicans assume all liberals can’t seem to wrap their heads around extremism. This is true as they tend to side with republicans on military interventions waaaaaay too much. See any vote on war ever. This is what worries me about Hillary 2016.

Perspective: Wouldn’t It Be Nice If the GOP Had Some?
Perspective: Wouldn’t it be nice if the GOP had some?

Oh, and did I mention any investigations should be focused on that big circle of cluster fuckage called Why-the-F- We-Invaded-Iraq-in-the-1st-Place? The fact we’ve had 426 Benghazi investigations and no investigations on the lead up to the Iraq War is a testament to our collective ignorance. I stand by all my important spoof news Benghazi coverage here, here and here.

Although I guess I should warn everyone, the Discord was just added to the internet Hoax of Fame list here. I call bullshit! I AM A REAL JOURNALIST (cough)…well I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Pokey, my friend, your entire argument revolves around a ratio of the impetus behind the attack and whether or not we called them bad men or bad religious men. Benghazi was caused by extremists who will kill Americans whenever they get the chance and whether the impetus for the attack was more video, more 9/11, or more of a protest on Fox’s decision to cancel Glee—

“What does it matter at this point?”

—Hillary Clinton

One of Hillary’s biggest election challenges will be to overcome this quote. Of course, it’s true, but truth has no place on Bullshit Mountain. Obama never denied these were bad peeps, he just never called them the right kind of bad peeps. Impeach! I don’t want Sharia Law in America either, I just want our leaders to employ an approach that decreases the likelihood of this eventuality. Going broke through a series of military blunders is the opposite of helping.

Benghazi Hint of the Day:

As for the lead up to the attack, the handling of the attack, and the spin the next day, no wrong doing has been found by any of these investigative committees.

This latest committee promises to look at security issues, which was suggested by a Dem, here. Let me save you some time and money—this one is true.  Dems tend to investigate things related to reality, which is why at the moment they have my support. This committee will find security issues and preventing the next Benghazi is the only relevant part of this Foxudrama. And the blame for security will ultimately rest with those who defunded embassy security. Hint: it rhymes with re-goblin-kings. Yes, the committee will find everything I already mentioned in my first article, two years ago, for the low, low price of 147-million tax dollars. One spoof news blogger beats every republican, every time. Three cheers for fiscal conservatism! Three cheers—wait, I’m being told Congress cut funding, so we’re down to two cheers. Bastards!

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Battle Beneath the Planet of Benghazi

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Pokey McDooris

On September 12th 2012, I said, “A terrorist attack was orchestrated against our nation by Islamic Jihadists who murdered four Americans on the anniversary of 9/11.” I spoke these words to anybody who would listen.  You wouldn’t, Zano. I realize the coffee, the beer, and all the coffee-flavored beer is at this point a great distraction to you. So let’s just blame the hops, the barley and the coffee beans for your ignorance on this matter.

The words that came from our nation’s executive leadership the day after the attack were very different from mine: “A reprehensible and offensive video caused a spontaneous protest that led to an unfortunate tragedy involving the death of four Americans” (paraphrased for your enjoyment). Neither statement is factually false, but there is a clear difference. One statement clarifies the essential significance of the historical event, so that the listener (or reader) would understand the relevance of the event. The other statement obscures understanding and leads to a distortion as to the essential truth of what actually occurred.  For similar examples read ANY Zano post.

It appeared to me then, as it does now, the President’s administration had orchestrated a PR campaign to purposefully deceive the American public by conveying a false impression as to what actually occurred on 9/11/2012. That would be called “lying.” A lie as defined by Webster’s dictionary as “to speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly with intent to deceive; to express what is false or convey a false impression.” Yep, that pretty much sums up what the Obama Administration did, and is still doing.

Why did the Obama administration propagate such a false narrative? I will say that if every American understood clearly that “a terrorist attack was orchestrated against our nation by Islamic Jihadists who murdered four Americans on the anniversary of 9/11” at the time of the Presidential election, it very well may have turned out differently. And Zano’s voter suppression efforts “Streaking for Drone Striking” also did not go unnoticed, by the Flagstaff Police Department.

Remember that President Obama was peddling his “we’ve killed Bin Laden” narrative so “we’ve greatly weakened terrorists.” This didn’t fit in with his PR campaign blitz.

There have been many conspiracy theories proposed as to the full story behind the President’s false narrative—and Zano has focused his attention on exposing the conspiracy speculations as “lies,” but Zano still refuses to acknowledge that the Obama administration “lied” from the get go and continues to lie on this issue. Zano would have us believe that Susan Rice was heroically presenting the truth of the offensive video that caused the attacks while under persecution from the evil right wing conspiracy that threatened to suppress such truth about the reprehensible video. This is what it means to be brainwashed. I ask you–am I lying to say that “a terrorist attack was orchestrated against our nation by Islamic Jihadists who murdered four Americans on the anniversary of 9/11?” Because if that statement is true, then any watered-down version presented by our “leadership” deceptively conveyed a false impression. And Zano, I’ve watched as you call everybody a “liar” who speaks against the Obama Administration on this issue, everybody, that is, except the ones who uttered the primary “lie” upon which all the speculation was based.  So, Mr. Zano, the coffee-flavored, imperial boozy stout is in your corner.
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Coalition of the Falling: Ebola Fed Ex

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Dr. Kwela Juluka

I have taken a turn for the worse after my visit to West Africa.  I have fatigue, headaches, and I’m bleeding out of every orifice in/on my body…and that’s just because I write for the Discord.  Actually, I shook hands with a previously infected doctor who attributed his recovery to his Christian God rather than to medical science.  Color me stunned!  With docs like that, Africa is in for a thrill ride on the exponential Ebola train to Shitsville, which I also believe is a Monkees’ song.

I am requesting that you use your resources to have me parachuted into ISIS territory where – before I lose consciousness and while equipped with several WiFi accessible GoPros – I might generously shake hands with the knife-wielding beheading guy known as “John”.  John might later kneel with his friends in a confined space and in obedience to his supernatural figment, spreading my molecular goodness to others, and on and on and on.  My sacrifice may be better than targeted nuclear strikes in affirming the world’s response of an aversion to slicing throats in the service of a political statement.

I have found that beer may be a cure for the Ebola virus, though I’m still crunching the numbers re: octane vs bleeding, but I do think I have enough time remaining to make the flight and drop to John’s doorstep.  I will forgo my next bar crawl to become part of Obama’s Coalition of the Falling. Please help me make this important meeting with John before I bleed out or get too drunk to take my case to him.  The Rolling Stones tell us “only women bleed”, but I beg to differ. In fact, I’m going through gauze like a dog goes through bones, like an Imam goes through verses, like a chef goes through garnish.  My existential nature demands more of me, and so I bleed on your mercy to help me turn the tide in Iraq – the right way!

Do you remember as a kid when you lit that bag of dog poop on fire and rang that doorbell? Yeah? Ding dong, John. I am that flaming bag of poop.

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Rise of the Radical Republican?  Boehner Inaction Figure Sold Separately

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Mick Zano

Despite the recent successes of some moderate republican candidates, I don’t believe it accurately reflects the larger political trend. The GOP will likely track further right and within a decade we will start hearing the words “radicalized republicans.” Bozo Haram? I know, I know, it’s like the time I commissioned a bust from that OCD sculptor, I’m getting a head of myself, again.

Andrew Sullivan would likely nominate my last statement for one of his over-the-top Moore Awards, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Sully doesn’t have to live in the trenches, like Arizona. Conservative types are becoming dangerously deluded. I’m predicting our future may well consist of the Clive Bundys of the world uniting, form of misinformed militias. I want a revolution too, but one based on reality. Sure I have my doubts about our future, but forgive me if I’m reluctant to climb into the bunker with the rest of the Schmuck Dynasty.

“You know this is all Obama’s fault, right? Want a can of chick peas, fella?”

I can hardly wait. Time to reiterate: I’ve never been a huge fan of the Dems, but I would rather see Michael Vick head of the ASPCA or Ray Rice head a domestic violence taskforce than see a republican president in 2016. My total liberal shift, at least vote-wise, has nothing to do with Democrats.

Ideology check: If, with the aid of a stool and the Hubble friggin’ telescope, you still can’t see some scant reflection of reality, you may be a republican.

The Foxeteers hate this president and they will likely hate the next several and, lest we forget, they’re the ones with most of the guns. You say you want a revolution?  …well, you know, we’d all love to see the Rand.

Why hate Obama? What are the specifics? All we ever get are kernels of drivel from this Scheissgiest of theirs. Do you hate the successful implementation of a version of the Romney healthcare model? Do you hate having the best economic recovery in the west? Do you hate avoiding ground wars in the Middle East?  Hint: attacking ISIS may cost another trillion, while Obamacare is thus far cutting healthcare costs. There’s nothing remotely fiscally conservative about fiscal conservatives. Someone get Paul Ryan a calculator.  Atlas Buggered?

Summary Alert: Bush’s faults were of the San Andreas variety and Obama’s of the fictional variety.

What’s most disturbing is how even our president is forced to factor in this rightwing hysteria and fantasy into his algorithms. This is part of why he’s starting to falter.  San Andreas falter? This week we find nearly one in four Foxeteers want to secede from the union, here. Nearly one quarter of the country! And this group is not going to settle down after losing more elections. They were created out of fear and propaganda as part of a rightwing ratings scheme and at this point the damage is done. I predict republicans will have several opportunities to realign themselves with reality but they will miss all of these windows.  Defenestration Nation? Sultans of Squeegee?  Sorry.

People are in the middle, Zano. They’re not as polarized as Fox and MSNBC would have us believe.

That may have once been true, but no longer. Republicans are ready for a revolution. They don’t understand or acknowledge any of the real challenges our nation faces—with the exception of islamofascism, which they overhype—and they have no idea how we got here. 2000 to 2008 has been plucked from their collective hippocampus like some political lobotomy. Electro Conservative Therapy?

Our real problems remain: The growing disparity of wealth, overpopulation, pollution, the failure to shift to sustainable communities and energies, and the perils of accelerating climate change. These will all go unnoticed until it’s too late. Oh, and wait until our radical friends start bombing mosques. That’ll help. The Blather Underground?  Bozo Haram? Did I use that one already? How about Ailes-Qaeda? No? Okay, I’ll work on that one.

Of course the left will go lefter, but I‘m cool with that. Oh no! …thoughtful social libertarians! People who don’t worship the Koch Brothers, people not as ready to placate Wall Street or invade the wrong country! People who want to at least try to save the planet. Nooooo, everything will go to pot! I wish.

Hint of the Day: big business will be just find in the 21st century, but you won’t be.

It’s almost fanatical how today’s conservatives rail against any truths that might surface. Whack a maxim? I attended a Tea Party Express rally once, here, and yikes. Since that evening I have been patiently waiting for the inevitable collapse of the Republican Party. I called for reform for over a decade before giving up. We needed a healthy GOP to help balance the budget, to help reign in spending, to improve Obamacare. We’re getting nothing from this clunker, so it’s time for the scrap heap.

Why, during a time when the GOP may claim both chambers of congress can you talk about the right’s inevitable demise?

First off, they haven’t won anything yet. I broke from guru Nate Silver when republicans had an 85% chance to take the Senate and it is now down to 65%. Never underestimate their incompetence. Look, if you’re only pandering to white, old, angry, uneducated males, I’m afraid your future is tenuous at best. But don’t worry, so is everyone else’s. If The GOP wins the Senate it will only prolong their demise. I don’t have the patience, so I’ve used the Zano model to ensure the Dems hold on. Hint: it involves a headless chicken, burning sage, and some pin cushions.

“Political conservatives are the greatest threat to the nation.”

—President Barack Obama

This should be hyperbole, but I’m afraid it’s not. Someone immediately posted on Facebook, “How is this statement defensible?” Uh, read Zano. Just remember where you heard it first. Believe me, masses of delusionally misinformed, sociopathic citizens will eventually spell our demise; they’ll spell it wrong, of course.

“Republicans endanger civilization.”

—Nancy Pelosi

Only we can destroy ourselves. Bin Laden knew as much. If only Bush had been half as smart as that bastard.

“I know we’ve become used to this – and the press has found a way to write about the GOP as if they are not a reckless, know-nothing, post-modern fantasy machine. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t remain capable of shock and anger at this pathetic excuse for a political party, at the unique idiocy of this party of the right in the Western world.”

—Andrew Sullivan

Obama has had some missteps as well as some moments of brilliance, but republicans only have one thing on the agenda, another Benghazi hearing. Hell, I never understood the first fifteen. I want to debate the perils facing our country and our planet—the one I have to live and blog on.  If republicans want to storm the Bastille—oh, wait, too French (insert your own metaphor). I don’t care what they want to do, I don’t want any part of it.

Okay, Cleetus, hand over the chick peas, but first I’m going to tell you a little story about Keynesian economics and the series of unfortunate events that led us to see if it could work.
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Obama Creates Coalition of the Good Luck With That

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Mick Zano

I thought I understood the Obama Doctrine, until now. More disturbing than the prospects of Iraq Part Deux is this: a recent poll indicates Americans would prefer a return to a Bush-style Doctrine, here. If this is true, do you remember Bill Paxton’s character from Aliens? Game over, man!

For anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine, how about we book you the Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’. Boots on the ground? How about a boot up your asses? I realize we’re all short attention spambots these days, but if we forget every historical lesson, every time—between the couch and the flippin’ fridge—why do I bother with all this [*********] blogging?!

[The word insightful removed by the editor]

The ONLY glimmer of insight from the Drudgelands in the last decade was this shift away from Fox’s Chicken Hawk Syndrome. Obama’s recent soiree into stupidity has me flummoxed and I’m rarely flummoxed. Is Obama caving to public opinion? Are there too many morons on both sides of the aisle offering advice? Is ISIS more of a threat than they seem? Will the McMillian Pub management lift my recent ban from their establishment?

I just went off on Hillary’s foreign policy, here, and now Obama is doing this shit?

“He committed himself and us to a victory we cannot achieve in two countries we cannot control with the aid of allies we cannot trust. And, worse, he has done so by evading the key Constitutional requirement that a declaration of war be made by the Congress.”

—Andrew Sullivan

I am not freaking out as much as Andrew, because drones, special ops and air strikes will continue to be necessary in the Middle East for a long, long time. And I’m, frankly, fine with that. But I do not want to arm anyone, save maybe the Kurds, and no significant boots on the ground. Advisors and special ops, maybe. But no arming Syrian rebels! Broader air strikes will need to occur with someone else’s boots on the ground, but whose? As predicted, Coalitions post Bush will be tough and Obama’s is going to be meh at best. Maybe he should call it Coalition of the Good Luck with That.  For all intents and purposes, we’ve been alone since about 2004. And the GOP keeps knocking justice from 30,000 feet. Today it’s all we’ve got. Thanks.

Dear Mr. President,

Of course your generals want to play with all of their toys. That’s what generals do, but it doesn’t mean it’s the best overall policy. Every intervention thus far has created even more radical splinter groups. Thankfully you held your ground on those boots on the ground, but you cannot afford to screw up, sir. Arming Syrian rebels is dumb.  Saying we’ll wipe out ISIS is dumb. Leave dumb for those who have already mastered this adjective. The first hint that your plan was dumb was the resounding bipartisan approval it met in Congress.

Sincerely,

Mick Zano

P.S. I want the sweater I knitted you back.

We have a rare opportunity to completely marginalize the batshit right. So get it together, sir. I do not, circa 2016, want to see a republican president denounce ISIS and then start a war with the Egyptian Goddess of Love.

Earlier today, President Perry ordered air strikes that laid waste to the Egyptian step pyramid of Zosar. Outside of the remains of the Third Dynasty structure, Perry asked Defense Secretary Cruz, “WTF? Why didn’t she come out?”

The various militias in the Middle East should not get any more of our toys? They end up using them against us. The Onion nailed it: Obama Vows To Split ISIS Into Dozens Of Extremist Splinter Groups.  See, I thought spoof newsers were just smarter than republicans, but if we become the overall experts and authority on everything… (gulp). I would say Big Gulp but then Mayor Bloomberg would confiscate that last sentence.

No one has ever said, “Hey, Zano you’re the voice of reason.” People have said, boy”, if you’re the voice of reason, Zano, we’re in big trouble.” We are in big trouble…

I could actually understand folks seeking a third viable option or party but returning to the Bushies for guidance is like asking Marion Berry to guard your stash. To take one more step beyond, everyone is looking to Mitt Romney for answers. This cannot be overstated enough: Republican chicken hawks are the assholes who got us here and today they are arguably even less insightful. I watched what every republican said on foreign policy in the last two primaries, and besides Paul 1 and Paul 2, they don’t have a sliver of an inkling of a quark of a grasp on reality [editor not touching that one.]

“Foreign policy, the interventionist critics claim, has no place for nuance or realism. You are either for us or against us. No middle ground is acceptable. The Wilsonian ideologues must have democracy worldwide now and damn all obstacles to that utopia. I say sharpen your knives, because the battle once begun will not end easily.”

—Rand Paul

Rand Paul has some foreign policy sense, which disqualifies him from becoming the republican nominee in 2016. As Congressman Todd Aiken reminds us: when someone has a brain, the GOP has a way of shutting that whole thing down. Republicans are only taking applications from those promising to amplify the disparity of wealth and rule the rest of the world with an iron fist. You know, part Hoover part Hitler.

Someone recently noted Eisenhower’s exit captures the essence of the Obama Doctrine. I agree.

“I’ll tell you what leadership is… It’s persuasion — and conciliation — and education — and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know — or believe in — or will practice.”

—Dwight D. Eisenhower

I understood Bush’s blunders during each tragic misstep because, like My Pet Goat, he was a pretty easy read. Obama is smart, so it’s much harder to glean all of his longer term strategies.

“Halfway through this President’s second term, negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program have, at last, a realistic chance for success. Russia’s recent aggressions in eastern Ukraine may end in an uneasy truce. The gains have been unshowy and incremental. But when your aim is to conduct a responsive and responsible foreign policy, the avoidance of stupid things is often the avoidance of bloodshed and unforeseen strife. History suggests that it is not a mantra to be derided or dismissed.”

—David Remnick

Our neocons have taught us all only one thing, just how ineffective and tragic a poorly conceived military campaign can be. What would republicans actually have done between 2008 and 2014? I have never seen a group blather on about nothing for so long since my last existential Meetup group. Saber babbling?

So to all of you know-nothing Obama blamers, I don’t know what our President should do about ISIS and neither do you. I would not want to be in his golf shoes. But in 2003 Bush had a clear and easy choice to make on Iraq. He made the wrong one and that’s why we’re here. That is called a fact. Bush’s Iraq War was an intelligence failure, just not the kind you think. But has Obama jumped the shark on this one? And, can anyone really get away with comparing a war to an old Happy Day’s reference? These questions and more will be answered, same blog time, same blog station.

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Grand Old Party to Ban Every Smarty

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Mick Zano

Say bye bye to those science guys. A recent poll showed a whopping 94% of all active scientists do not identify themselves as republican. What I want to know is: who is this other 6%? Should we hunt them down and confiscate their Bunsen burners? Step away from that particle accelerator slowly, sir.

Can you be a scientist and live in an alternate anti-science reality?  I guess you can be a quantum libertarian. Wait, I’m being told they broke from republicans too—and then atomized for freedom. Juan Cole found this science poll, here. Juan Poll?

Sure 6% is low, but it still begs the question, how can any remotely scientific-minded individual relate to today’s conservatism? The cognitive dissonance alone would be like sticking Mitch McConnell and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in a G-Force rotational machine.

…but we should still do that. Please sign the related petition below.

Maybe those few holdouts are just being oppositionally defiant? Or how many just checked the wrong box because they were sexting their hot lab assistants? She texted me with science? Sadly, there are still some smart folks trapped in Fox holes, albeit not many. Once in this alternate reality, we see patterns where none exist, here. It’s like seeing the sailboat in those autostereograms. Stare at Megan Kelly’s legs long enough and you see the sailboat.

Hint of the day: when staring at Megan you will sense the main mast first.

Their propaganda doesn’t seem very convincing to me, but what if you’re only semi-engaged in politics because you’re desperately trying to find an abby normal brain over on the Island of Dr. Moreau? Sometimes scientists are busy people. Maybe they only have Fox News on in the background while they’re reanimating dead flesh.

The new GOP meme has become “I’m not a scientist”, which should be followed by, “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

“The beauty of the line is that it implicitly concedes that scientists possess real expertise, while simultaneously allowing you to ignore that expertise altogether.”

—Jonathon Chait

It’s a wonderful tactic, not that they really need tactics anymore. Fox News has proven people will believe anything and, what’s even more disturbing, those most delusional wrong in the 21st century feel retractions are passé.

 

“I’m not a scientist. In fact, none of them will even vote for me.”

—John Q. Republican

When you do corner a republican with things called facts, they will inevitably employ one of these tactics: the reversal, e.g.: why are you anti-Sematic? Or, they will cite that one data point, the outlier, that supports their indefensible position. Or, my favorite, fuzzy logic: e.g., what do we really know about anything these days?

This last one is true. Our media sucks, left and right. In 2014 it’s very hard to glean the truth through these ever-thickening agendas, lobbyists and ideologies. But when those scant tidbits of knowledge do sift down to us, how does the GOP utterly misinterpret them every flippin’ time?! Those few shreds of wisdom that emerge through the 21st century cacophony—what few things we can glean—republicans can’t seem to glean!

[Glean Joe Glean joke omitted by the editor]

YES, we know next to nothing about anything, so how is it possible to know even less than that? Hey, this is a hazy crazy time period so let’s abandon history, science, facts, and statistics in favor of something Fox calls: Whatever the hell the Koch Brothers want me to think.

Great idea! And let’s employ this belief system amidst a time of climate change, mass extinctions, and an ever-looming threat of WWIII. Brilliant! How helpful of you. Yeah, all smart people are dumb and having a high IQ is another vast left wing conspiracy. Makes sense. Have you heard of Occam’s Razor? Of course not!

To ignore the perils of our planet in 2014 for a drill-baby-drill mentality is sociopathic and suicidal. Our super capitalists don’t believe in green energies or global warming and our fundamental religious factions don’t believe in evolution. In fact, they recently attacked the host of Cosmos, Neil deGrasse Tyson, because science keeps contradicting The Bible.  They couldn’t attack the theories themselves, so personal attacks would have to suffice. The usual. When Sagan hosted the first Cosmos series, a generation ago, I don’t remember this fundamental backlash. This is another sign of the GOP’s de-evolution.

Evolution…you’re doing it wrong!

“Those creatures who find everyday experience a muddled jumble of events with no predictability, no regularity, are in grave peril. The Universe belongs to those who, at least to some degree, have figured it out.”

—Carl Sagan

So I guess the universe is mine. BOW DOWN BEFORE, ZANO! Meanwhile, with republicans figuring out so little, I guess we should be thankful they’re not beheading us liberals at our town hall meetings.

Or:

LET'S HOPE THE 6th EXTINCTION HAS ROOM FOR ONE MORE SPECIES

This will happen, but unfortunately so will the Rise of Radical Republicanism. Coming soon to a blog post near you.
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Is She No Better Than a Republican?

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Mick Zano

I hate to pile on the Clinton Administration before it even gets out of the Benghazi-gate, but Hillary is either as clueless as the rest of the chicken-hawk republicans or she’s pandering to a parallel universe in hopes of some votes.  Either way she’s losing me and ‘so goes the Zano so goes the election’. Okay, no one says that.

There’s a reason Hillary’s sinking in the polls. All she needed to do was shut up and assume command in 2016, but she’s showing a huge lack of insight by chiming in.  Anything can and will be used against you. I hoped to find out what an evil clueless hag you are after the election, the way our Founding Fathers intended. My frustration stems from her recent criticism of Obama’s foreign policy, here. You got Iraq wrong, lady. How is fomenting rightwing drivel going to help you or your party in the midterms? You’ve gotten everything wrong in this arena and your ‘solutions’ to the Middle East seem as misguided as the Fox News All Sharts. 

Sorry, but neoconism died. Cheney killed it. He shot it in the face when they were out hunting. Sorry you didn’t get the 17% approval-rating-memo.  Andrew Sullivan is also starting to Hillary bash over on The Dish. He begs the question, is Hillary really any different from McCain on foreign policy? I don’t see much distance either and just when I was starting to get over Managed Care.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Whitewater?

I think Hillary is actually basing her criticism of Obama on GOP inaccuracies. She’s saying we should have helped the Syrian rebels, many of whom are linked to a variety of terrorist groups. Give me a break. Don’t you get how clustered this whole situation is post Operation Enduring Femdom? Here’s why you’re all wrong.

Obama got the WMDs out of Syria without a land war. Of course, now he has to give them all back to Assad so he can fend off ISIS. Although, they have a weird kind of relationship right now as they both hate the Syrian rebels more than each other…for the moment. And, yes, ISIS is being led by the same people the Bushies sent away when they, in their infinite wisdom, disbanded the Iraqi army—in a county that we never should have invaded in the first place. So is it still Bush’s fault? No. Creating the army we are now fighting by destabilizing the region after you lied us into war is… uh….is not …umm. Yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch to blame Bush (throat clear).

Lest we forget, a McCain or Romney Administration would have already bombed the shit out of Iran, which—if that hadn’t started WWIII—would have forced the U.S. to rebuild and rearm Iran to help keep ISIS in check. They would have called this some very patriotic name like Operation Get the Fuck Back Up, Bitch. Are you following?  Now how to get back the arms back from radicalized Syrian rebels, who the U.S. deemed a terrorist group in 2012? Well, McCain and Hillary would be retrieving these weapons during in Operation Repo Man.

Granted, Obama did cause all of these problems by pulling out of Iraq…er, I mean by following Bush’s Status Force Agreement, complete with a specific Iraq withdrawal date. W wanted this in effect so he could initiate Operate Clear Brush and Paint Shit.  Only by Dec 2011, the time of the withdrawal date, the Iraqi army wasn’t so much standing up as kneeling several times a day to pray to Allah. They would then practice dropping their guns and fleeing, a trick they mastered by the time ISIS, run by their old disenfranchised bosses, returned in 2014. Still with me? Why? I’m just making shit up at this point.

Now, Obama could have reneged and kept helping the Iraqi army for another ten years during Operation Please Stand the F-Up Already MFs! How does Al-Qaeda fit in, you ask? Well, Al-Qaeda in Iraq—who never existed until our invasion—morphed into ISIS with the help of Saddam Hussein’s army. This promoted the advent of a covert Area 51 program called Operation Reanimate Saddam Hussein, wherein it was hoped that Zombie Saddam can re-stabilize Iraq. The Walking Despot?

Or….instead of all that bullshit, you can actually understand that arming radical rebel groups with all of our latest toys, like Reagan did, like both Bushs did, and like Clinton did, is really, really stupid. And maybe, just maybe, the best thing to do is to start the Golf War by pulling out onto the green in your speedy little golf cart while flipping all of you opinionated no-nothings the presidential bird.

More importantly, where was Hillary Clinton the night four Americans died in Benghazi?!

Yeah, it’s complicated and republicans simply aren’t. To say they are delusional is an affront to delusional people. Obama’s approach is essentially correct. We can no longer successfully police the Middle East. If you don’t believe this, you might be a republican. We can’t protect them from themselves. I can’t even entirely blame Bush for that, although you can say he took something hovering around a seven and escalated the situation to an 11. Spinal Crap? Because our foreign policy goes to 11!

I like the idea of arming only the Kurds and if the crazies are bent on killing themselves, we can watch key cities, key resources, key genocides, but beyond that the Middle East is going to play for a while until they finally get it out of their system…or they’re all dead. Their call.  If the fantasy world called the Republican Party takes the helm, we will all look back fondly to the Bush years as everything he did will pale in comparison to their atrocities. The only ones who haven’t noticed how bad they’ve become are themselves. They will continue to base their decisions whether or not to go to war on a delicate blend of Breitbart.com and prejudice, and facts be damned.

So I am starting to think gambling a few percentage points to get an actual human being, like Elizabeth Warren, elected may be worth the risk.  Granted, Hillary did a great job as Secretary of State.

(Collective gasp.)

I realize this is news to our local parallel universe.  You know, the place where Hillary snuck into one of our embassies and, due to some workman’s comp issues, shot four defenseless Americans dead and then burned the place down to cover her tracks.

Benghazi: so many questions….

Lewinsky’s Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive
Lewinsky's Secret Revealed in Discord Exclusive

…so little relevance.

Actually, it’s been a long time since Hillary murdered Vince Foster so her urge to kill was simply becoming too great. Again, the concern is that a Warren candidacy puts the presidency back into play and there is nothing more important to our collective future than defeating the GOP in 2016. Success for the GOP will mean our swift demise, and I am kind of pulling for a lengthy hops-n-barley filled one. That’s from Reve-libations Ch 1:9.

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Who’s More Serious About Climate Change? ISIS IS!

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Pokey McDooris

These sissy environmentalists are all talk and no action. It’s time to save this planet! The scientific consensus agrees that Climate Change is the greatest crisis threatening the world. President Obama promises to violate the Constitution by bypassing Congress to sign a UN Treaty to curb carbon emissions. I say it’s time to stop pussy footin’ around the subject. Let’s get to the root of the problem by employing ISIS’s five steps to Beat Climate Change.

I believe Obama’s plan to save the world will not be nearly as effective as what ISIS has in store for mankind. Let’s combat our warming world through the magic of Sharia Law!

1) Sex-Slave Auction/Fundraisers

Many may not realize the meaty market for young sex slaves. On a good day healthy young 12-year-olds can attract five digits, maybe even a six! And ISIS promises that 50% of all proceeds will be donated to the funding of green energy powered WMDs.

2) Reduction of Automobile Use by 51%

We hereby pass worldwide legislation that outlaws women from driving automobiles. By eliminating women drivers we will put a serious dent on the world’s carbon footprint. The legislation will further fight climate change by sentencing those found guilty of such an offense to community service in the Sex-Slave Auction/Fundraiser.  That’s not even counting the ones we’ll stone for adultery!

3) Slave Labor to replace carbon based energy

We propose Infidel powered windmills (IPWs) without the need of wind; scientific consensus agrees that infidels, horses and camels can power any Jihad, so Gitteeup!

4) Massive Population Reduction

Much of the global warming problem stems from the fact there’s just too many damn people. Birth control and abortion haven’t worked, so it’s time to get serious. We propose an exponential increase in beheadings. Let’s save the planet, one dismemberment at a time. I want our kids to get a behead.

5) Destroy Western Civilization

Who can deny that Western Civilization is the root cause of all global warming/climate change? Without Western Civilization there would be no such thing as a greenhouse gas problem. The Great Satan has the biggest carbon footprint ever. Talk about a Bigfoot sighting. We have you in our sights! And it’s time to take that hairy bastard down.

Makes perfect sense. You’re either with us or against us. Hey, let’s freeze some of those severed heads and make some ISISicles!
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Prescott’s Haunted Hotel St. Michael: Oops, Ghost Found

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Mick Zano

Once upon a check-in, I asked for my traditional room—which is always dead, and not in any kind of a supernatural way—but the desk lady decided to upgrade me to a queen. She must have noticed my high heels. This turned out to be my ghost investigating big break, or big mistake depending on your point of BOO!

I would have to go it alone for this one, because due to my age and incongruous maturity level, it’s becoming harder to find company. Shock poll: everyone who knows me agrees with this poll. Actually, I had other business…I was squatching. Fine, I had to train a class the next day, aka, I wasn’t going to a training to sleep, I had to stand up in front of people and present stuff. This proved difficult after the Amityville-F-king-Horror I experienced the night before. WTF? This is not even a particularly haunted hotel. Try Googling Hotel St. Michael in Prescott. I dare you. There’s next to nothing on this place, it’s a veritable taBoo rasa. Heck, I just came from the Mizpah, which is tier-one haunted, this place would be lucky to make pier-one imports. This was going to be a tip toe through the banshees, or so I thought.

Tell them about the Twinkie, Ray.

There was no Twinkie! Stop that. But I have even stayed here before and slept like a…

[Alex Bone joke omitted by the editor.]

In fact, I always sleep well in haunted places, see any of my other ghost misadventures…ever. Heck, I didn’t even bring my Viewmaster for this one. I usually have Bambi in the cue if anything weird happens. It doesn’t record anything evidence-wise, but it always makes me feel safe.

This should give you some idea of how prepared I was to encounter a real entity. What makes me crazy is that I had plans for after this training. I wanted to hit: The Raven, Granite Mtn Brewery, Prescott Brewing Co., Murphy’s, The Palace, The Gurley Street Grill, The Drunken Las, Celtic Crossing, Matt’s Saloon…

Kidding! I hate Matt’s Saloon. Point being, I had shit to do, but now thanks to some bored spook I’m exhausted. According to the front desk folks, The Ghost Hunters already declared 319 haunted, well, I spent two nights alone in room 318 and ditto. But I couldn’t find any reference to this online, but here’s my two cents…and two nights. Oh, and I will never spend another night in this hotel again! Mainly, because their liberal use of the words “room damage”.

The staff claims what action this hotel does get is generally limited to the third floor, but I got no action on the third floor, despite my kick ass stilettos and fishnets. On that note:

Night One:

When I arrived back at my room around 9PM on Thursday 6/26, I started with my usual 3rd floor walk about and captured this shot between the 2nd and 3rd floor.

Then I headed to my room and started clicking and clicking and clicking and nothing. Wait! Bambi’s mother died! Nothing…so I listen to some Coast to Coast AM and turn in around 11PM. I know what you’re thinking, but the episode wasn’t about ghosts. Then, I suddenly wake up swatting my shoulder as if something was there. I snap some pictures and start capturing some serious orbage. Then, like any good ghost investigator, I go back to bed.

About an hour later I have this horrible dream that I owe material for Mr. Winslow, but he can’t open any of the files I sent him. Okay, not that dream. I dreamt that I’m desperately trying to get out of this very hotel because it’s haunted and then, when I wake up, all hell breaks loose. I walk to the end of the bed and take some more pictures and there’s this cold spot. I have never experienced a cold spot. I have experienced a warm spot in a public pool, but I’m told that’s different.

Suddenly I feel wave after wave of chills and goose bumps. I don’t get goose bumps so I am wondering if this is a walk-in clinic thing or if there’s an ointment involved. I have never had such a weird feeling, so I start snapping and start getting orbs in almost every picture I take!

A montage of some of the room visitors.
A montage of some of the room visitors.

Then the weirdest thing happens. I see this flare through my camera. I didn’t catch this on film—because it went by in a fraction of a second—but as the flash is cueing up, something shoots through my viewer like a meteor. I’m like, holy shit! Where is my camera man when you need him! I am wide awake now so this isn’t some semiconscious state thing and it definitely wasn’t a bug.

I try to sleep again and I’m woken up again. Now, it’s 3AM and I have to be up a 7. So, I’m like, if you’re going to keep me up all night I want a full apparition, in the mirror, or I’m going back to sleep.

It’s a pretty weak attempt, no apparition, and it’s partially on the frame. What is the deal with ghosts?

I finally say, “Look, I have to present tomorrow, you know, conduct a training so play time is over. I need to sleep. Tomorrow night I’ve got nothing but time, so for now I please go back to room 319.”

Thankfully, I slept for the last couple of hours. This was not a frightening experience for me, to put things in perspective frightening is working for Pierce Winslow, but I would describe it as unsettling. I can look through my camera and see shit that isn’t there? Yes, I stopped taking my medications, but only because the pills were helping the government hear my thoughts.

The next morning I woke up, thanked the spirits for some sleep and snapped one picture. Yep, it had an orb in it. It’s a shame the walls are white because most of these really blend in, so for all of my sleepless trouble I got a couple of dozen meh-looking-orbs (MLOs).

Night 2:

I decided to retrace my steps and actions from last night, so before lockdown I took a round of pictures around the 3rd floor and…

Possibly the best dust particle I have ever captured on film.
Possibly the best dust particle I have ever captured on film.

The bottom one is the same orb, only enlarged. Below is what I captured in the room during night two.

So I go to bed, I tell the ghosts to do their worst and….I wake up eight hours later to my alarm. Really? Why couldn’t the ghosts stick to the script: 1. night one sleep for training, 2. night two lots of spooky haunting stuff (SHS). I send the itinerary out weeks ahead of time. Yeah, I’m talking to you, pestergeists! Keep me up and I got next to nothing to show for it, NOTHING!  And, whereas I am not prepared to say I believe in ghosts at this time, this was a weird night and now picture all this happening with me in fishnets and stilettos. OK, don’t picture that, I’m losing enough fans lately.
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