Political features and current events

Why I Preferred the GOP When They Were Bombing the Wrong Country

Mick Zano

Yes, this is my foreign policy for Demmies. Whatever the hell the Obama Doctrine is, can we keep it? …or at least rent to own? If there is anyone who wants to retry the Bush Doctrine in 2016, how about we book you a Fallujah special? It’s sort of a Motel-6 after the blast. Most rooms come with a fire—not a fireplace, just a fire. We’ll leave the fight on for ya’.

Yes, I’m climbing out onto Obama’s rickety foreign policy limb, but why is this limb rickety? (Isn’t that a gin drink?) This limb should be of the Muir Redwood variety, but even some Dems are distancing themselves from Obama—faster than the NRA from their Climb a Clock Tower Tuesday promotional, which was at least better than their all-you-can-skeet buffet.

Do you remember when Romney was running? He said, “Obama is making error after error on every key foreign policy issues… Look, this is a failed presidency.” Yet Romney couldn’t really articulate anything meaningful on the subject, nor could he explain where the Bushies had erred—in either of his presidential runs—not because he was playing some party line, he really didn’t seem to know.

The Fox News Effect
The Fox News Effect, Protecting our politicians from reality since 1996
Protecting our politicians from reality since 1996

I think Mitch McConnell actually said Obama’s foreign policy failed in January of 2008, while he was still unloading his stuff from the presidential U-Haul. That was part of Obama’s first scandal, Fast & Fragile, wherein Michelle never really labeled stuff adequately and just threw shit into boxes.

Someone on the right gets it:

“Foreign policy, the interventionist critics claim, has no place for nuance or realism. You are either for us or against us. No middle ground is acceptable. The Wilsonian ideologues must have democracy worldwide now and damn all obstacles to that utopia. I say sharpen your knives, because the battle once begun will not end easily.”

—Rand Paul

Rand Paul has some foreign policy sense, which disqualifies him from becoming the republican nominee in 2016. As Todd Aiken reminds us, when someone’s got a brain, “The GOP has a way of shutting that whole thing down.” Did you see their last convention? Did you see what just happened in Mississippi? It seems that system is working well. Perhaps too well.

Bat Shit Signal

Sorry, I love that. I gotta have some fun. But it’s no surprise republicans are giving Rand Paul a hard time. The GOP is now only taking applications from those who promise to:

  1. Amplify the disparity of wealth domestically, and:
  2. Rule the rest of the world with an iron fist.

(You know, part Hoover part Hitler.)

Why am I constantly forced to defend competence? Oh yeah, this is opposite world. Today’s average congressman D or R make our 2008 Republican Vice Presidential candidate look insightful. Don’t remember who that was? (Hint: I can see her blouse from here.)

But damn our President for muddling! He’s muddling! Sure the plans Obama is putting into motion are gradually yielding fruit, but he’s muddling. Americans don’t muddle. They act swiftly and decisively, against the wrong country.

Look, Obama learned from Libya (his Iraq), which had no loss of American lives and cost about 12 bucks. But he factored Libya into his algorithm when dealing with Syria. Yes, liberals have algorithms and republicans rely on Roger Ailesgebra or Drudge Nuggets. Okay, I made that up, just like they do.

What almost no one in this country seems to understand, or even mention, is that since sanctions began Syria has handed over an estimated 90% of their WMDs…uh, which had no loss of American lives and cost about 12 bucks.

“Wait, so he accomplishes shit without killing lots of Americans and endangering our economy? That’s un-American.”

—John Q. Republican

P.S. Impeach!

I think I kind of nailed this one via a funny little post, here. Look, if you take out these despots things will continue to unravel. There ha never been any good answers in the Middle East. I don’t want to drone on about this, pardon the bomb, but the worst case scenario seems to involve broader military campaigns—you know, the GOP’s only strategy. (Hint: The GOP always employs the worst strategy. See: list of GOP 21st century successes.)

“Actually try Googling that shit. Nothing comes up.”

—Captain Obvious.


“An era of American primacy has finished, and the many, many smart people among us understand this. These Americans are able to see their nation in historical terms.”

—Patrick L. Smith

This is the reality of our collective future; Bush simply hastened things a bit. I would like to blame it all on him, but I’m not an all-or-none thinker like my friends on the right. The world has been falling apart for a long time, a trend that certainly accelerated post 9/11. Our neocons have taught us, and the world, just how incapable we are at intervening anywhere. What would republicans actually have done between 2008 and 2014? I have never seen a group blather on about nothing for so long since my last existential Meetup group.

Reality Check:

“Obama is battling a knee-jerk sentiment in Washington in which the only kind of international leadership that means anything is the use of military force.”

Fareed Zakaria

“Just because we have the best hammer does not mean that every problem is a nail.”

—Barack Obama

Fareed then quoted a similar sentiment from Eisenhower’s exit and feels this may capture the essence of the Obama Doctrine.

“I’ll tell you what leadership is… It’s persuasion — and conciliation — and education — and patience. It’s long, slow, tough work. That’s the only kind of leadership I know — or believe in — or will practice.”

—Dwight D. Eisenhower

Bingo. I understood Bush’s blunders during each tragic misstep because, like My Pet Goat, he was a pretty easy read. Obama is smart, so it’s much harder to glean all of his longer term strategies. I remain cautiously optimistic that Obama, with what he was given, is moving us toward a new era in the best manner possible. History will likely agree, or:

“I have always been impressed with Obama’s ability to navigate these foreign minefields. Republicans, on the other hand, tend to just kick every rock…with their dicks (Cheney joke omitted by the editor). Thankfully our president can reassess, change in the moment and weigh options in real time…w/ Bill Maher.”

—Mick Zano

So, once again, on behalf of those few of us still residing in a place I like to call reality, thank you, Mr. President!

And as for our republican friends, I’m sure you had other ideas for this time period…um, because you have no idea.

The GOP: You’re All Glenn Beck Now

Mick Zano

Whereas the list of Obama created scandals are exaggerated or biased (see: Benghazi), the list of atrocities perpetrated by republicans remain profoundly disturbing (see: climate change denial). It’s profound enough for me to use an adverb, against my better judgment. Most posts go against my better judgment…fine, I don’t have a better judgment. But do you remember when only Glenn Beck was crazy and the rest of the GOP had some sense of perspective and reason? Yeah, me neither.

But the ongoing and pervasive obstructionism of our president by the right has had a real negative impact on his accomplishments, his approval rating and his ability to govern. Is this a cop out? Is this an excuse? Hardly. Behind nearly all of our problems rests either republican policies or obstructionism. And reality is apparently passé these days—which was fine that one weekend in Amsterdam, or so they tell me—but not so much for our political world. Holland stopped selling illicit substances to non-residents after my visit, by the way. Coincidence? I thought peeing in the Penis Fountain made perfect sense at the time. And the collateral damage created by our 21st century republicans far exceeds my Eupropeeing vacation. Sorry.

But breaking stuff and creating an alternate reality is paying off:

“It’s all fairly remarkable. McConnell (Mitch R-K) has correctly grasped that if you sabotage the government, most voters won’t really know how or why it happened. They’ll just know that things are a mess and they’ll get peevish about it. And when they look around for someone to blame, it will be the party in power.”

Kevin Drum

This is how not being right, ever, can get you back into power. Offer nothing in the way of meaningful policies and the masses will elect you anyway, just as long as you F things up sufficiently enough when you’re not in power. It’s the magic of our broken system and the cynical nature of today’s republicans. The Ghetto Shaman had a similar “let’s just break shit” approach over at Kelly’s Pub, but I guess only the GOP can get away with such tactics. Where is an ideological bouncer when you need one? Go home, republicans. You’re drunk.

“There are many differences between the extreme right and the extreme left, perhaps most importantly that the extreme right has a much closer relationship with powerful Republicans than the extreme left has with powerful Democrats. When you find a crazy thing a liberal said, chances are it’s an obscure professor somewhere, or a blogger with twelve readers, or a random person at a protest. The crazy people on the right, in contrast, are often influential media figures or even members of Congress, people with real influence and power.”

—Paul Waldmen

Regular Zano readers (RZR) heard this before, but Waldmen then points out how even the craziest variety of liberals—as misguided or unrealistic as their individual approach may be—are usually trying to do something for the greater good. This is simply not the case on the right. They remain greedy, selfish, and uncomfortably closer to power…uh, like when Mr. Burns moved his mansion next door to his nuclear facility.

“However loopy, bigoted, incompetent, or detached from the realities of economic life the Republican Party may be, it is always just one recession away from regaining political power. It is therefore of the highest importance that sane, non-sociopathic people regain some influence within the party for when that day arrives.”

Jonathon Chait

Does Chait have a point or is this the definition of political nihilism? I feel the GOP deserves nothing accept our scorn. Obama’s talk today on foreign policy gives some insight into what adults do with power. He’s navigating some tricky waters as opposed to occupying the wrong country. It was a great eulogy for our neocons. May they rest in…er, may they rest. I think the essence of their upside down priorities over the last two decades is captured in Cheney 1% doctrine. Remember that?

“One percent chance there’s a terrorist somewhere and let’s blow shit up. But a 90% chance the earth is dying. Naaah, we need more data. So, uhh, who can we bomb again?”

—John Q. Republican

P.S. And what’s data?

Sadly, events on Earth have nothing to do with our current political reality:

More Americans say they trust Democrats than Republicans on the ‘main problems the nation faces over the next few years’ as well as a number of key policy issues, including the economy, health care and immigration.”

—Brendan Nyhan, Dems have Advantage on Issues but it won’t Help Them in Nov.

Is that depressing, or what? I could add about twenty items to that. How about this one: No Connection to Reality Clear Advantage for GOP. Sounds like a Discord headline.

We're heading for that storm

Dems historically blow off the midterms, while the right remains organized and motivated. Yeah, they’re mad about something and they spend every news cycle articulating their disgust….well, articulate isn’t the best word. How about Ozzy Osbourne off his meds with a burrito stuffed in his mouth? Yeah, like that. Although the Tea Party is listing to port…uh, starboard, it will still likely cost several seats in the general elections and stupidity may well cost the GOP a few more, which could change this Senate landslide. Besides, I refuse to lose hope. I have a good track record in the face of adversity. Just read the Dutch Police report. I am no stranger to shimming out onto some rickety limbs. Did anyone hear something crack? It sounded like a stick? Wow, I’m kind of far up this time. I can almost see reality from here. No easy trick these days.

Wanna’ Fix This Country? Prescribe Low-T for the Dems and Ginkoba for the GOP

Mick Zano

Forgive me, if I don’t want to relive this schitznik, Pokey. This is like reaching over on Ground Hog day to shutoff I Got You Babe on my clock radio. What is wrong with you people? Oh yeah, you outsourced thinking to the Koch Brothers. Good luck with that. What I will do is offer some cliff notes as well as some exciting new insights in the form of sarcastic cartoons. You know, the usual.

Remember the stuff we used to argue about back in those diners and coffee shops all across Pennsylvania? Well, as it turns out, they are all institutionalized and legal now and my new list of concerns are even scarier. Here’s my beef these days, the same folks who made this expansion of power possible have mounted an all-out spinsurrection, a complete assault on reason and reality. They have zero insight about our future and the difficult choices our nation faces…and, uh, I think you caught it, Pokey. It’s gone airborne…AM radio air-borne.

In your last post you made the statement you believe Obama is arming al-Qaeda? …without a shred of evidence? Really? At times like these I’m glad this is a spoof news site. Thankfully, more folks are coming around to my way of thinking. There’s a great related story, here, on how conservative media is tearing apart America.

So to channel Truman, “The suck stops here!” Republicans have no regard for our history, their policies, or their laws, let alone the political context of 2014. I call it the Scheissgeist of our time.

Quick IRS ‘scandal’ note (sorry):

Have you read the actual law, Pokey? Heavy scrutiny on groups requesting tax exemption, D or R, was legal until Obama recently tightened the law. The law was too vague, which allowed for such shenanigans. It sounds crazy, but legal things not linked to the White House are still…er, legal things not linked to the White House, or:

Dear GOP,

As for the IRS ‘scandal’, please find the smoking gun, or in lieu of such evidence just set some of your own guns on fire.



P.S. I despise the IRS, only republicans are ranked worse in the cosmos, albeit barely.

When I read articles that claim, Is this Obama’s Smoking Gun? The answer is invariably no. Ultimately, additional IRS scrutiny is a good thing as these practices have apparently gone on for way too long, story here.

But if I was an IRS agent I wouldn’t need a memo to screw over the Tea Party. If a group wanted to shut down the agency that I work for and they were looking for a tax break to do it, “Uh..oops, what happened to that application? I hope that sound wasn’t the shredder again.” Of course, why this was happening under Bush remains less clear.

Quick Benghazi note (even sorrier):

Every dime from every committee not spent on improving embassy security measures needs to be paid back to the American people, by the GOP, in full, with interest. This interest is the only interest I have on this subject. We needed this scrutiny for Iraq, not for this crap. Iraq was an immeasurably bigger deal. It was a choice we made to invade and occupy the wrong country. It wasn’t about how we did or didn’t respond to this shack-attack that occurred in the middle of a Libyan cesspool. Yeah, let’s ignore Iraq and spend years on one of the only embassy attacks under Obama. Nice.

As for your other comment, how Obama refuses to call a terrorist a terrorist, sorry he’s too busy killing them. And his approach is why I voted for him. Changing the rhetoric is important as not to incite additional and unnecessary violence. But when it comes down to it, the real reason your point is moot is this: Democrats—besides Obama himself—are neocons. They followed Bush’s insanity for far too long, which is Hillary’s main problem (hint: it’s not that bullshit Fox is covering). So your depiction of Obama’s ‘wording’ issue is irrelevant. We still hunt down and kill terrorists, albeit more effectively via smaller tactical forces or drone strikes. Remember Pokey? My idea. And Obama does this minus all the GOP chicken hawk, saber rattling.

And, dude, if you think doubling down by bringing in an even crazier conspiracy theory to trump this already crazy conspiracy theory…uh. So Obama was arming al-Qaeda through the Benghazi embassy? Really? Stevens was, if anything, too buddy buddy with the locals. It’s a commendable approach, one I admire, but it has been cited as part of his undoing (see: findings of Benghazi investigation #437). So I doubt he would allow such a program to occur under his nose and on his watch. Besides, the only dubious gun-running programs are started by republicans (see: history).

Since the Benghazitis outbreak what have we learned? And here are the consequences:

“The embassies in Libya and Tunisia have been manned by skeleton crews since 2012, contributing to the US inability to play a role in the aftermath of the Arab upheavals. The US embassy in Sanaa, Yemen, was closed last week after some al-Qaeda attack in the capital. The GOP’s hysteria about seeking to blame the administration is hurting our political reporting and ability to make and maintain contacts.”

Juan Cole

There is a price to pay for stupidity and with republicans we always pay in full. The witch hunters didn’t care about screwing up the Clinton years or the Obama years. Could you imagine if these presidents had actually been allowed to govern? We let republicans govern when they are in charge, which, as it turns out, we shouldn’t.

Juan Cole’s article made the bold statement that the Lewinsky witch-hunt days had implications for 9/11. Crazy connection? Hardly, I have said this for years. The Clintons turned the GOP into monsters and the republican’s Dr. Jekyll can no longer reign in their Mr. Hannity. The end of the Clinton years marked the beginning of our demise. The right’s inability to see patterns and grasp larger issues leaves them, and the rest of us, fixated on their bullshit. And, make no mistake, they are winning. Sure it’s a Charlie Sheen winning, but they are helping to keep everyone’s eyes off the ball. That’s my conspiracy theory. Conservatives are a distraction by design. Who’s design? The Rothschild’s, the Koch Brother’s? Alien-human hybrids? I don’t know, but any time I can work in alien-human hybrids…

Obama did not restore the rule of law and he failed to hold Wall Street or the Bush Administration accountable. Those are his failings, not the nonsense peddled on Fox News. Dems don’t pursue real scandals as they are truly balless beings and republicans simply make shit up to benefit the rich. You want to fix this country? Prescribe Low-T medicine to liberals and Ginkoba to conservatives. One side needs balls and the other side needs brains.

And, no offense to those who died in Libya, but someone still needs to hang for Iraq and no one need break a nail for Benghazi.

And pseudo-intellectual? Mwah? If republicans have some great minds out there, where are they? You say you have a viable movement and some great ideas, yet there’s just no one out there who can articulate them? Isn’t it more likely your party is just batshit? Foxham’s Razor, the simplest solution is the correct one.

Think about it. The GOP’s economic guru, Paul Ryan’s, has a budget that doesn’t follow the laws of math, let alone economics. Their whole economic ideology, trickle down, hasn’t worked anywhere in Earth’s history—although, admittedly, our early Pleistocene records are incomplete. Oh wait, republicans don’t believe in the early Pleistocene so never mind.

As for the neocon part of the wing, the McCains and the Krauthammers of the world can’t seem to invade the right country. They’re main strategist, Karl Rove, makes Lindsay Lohan look stable. And their prognosticators, Dick Morris and Bill Krystol, never see anything coming, ever. Even the things they try to sabotage, like Obamacare, eventually end up in their loss column (see: future of the Affordable Care Act).

Hint of the day: Republicans only have a loss column.

Do you think that’s a coincidence? And being one of the first to voice my concerns about the expansion of executive power doesn’t make me a denier, nor a proponent of this phenomenon under Obama. You of all people should know this. My quote from last year at this time:

“It’s time we worked together on addressing this expansion of power. It’s a huge issue regardless of who is in the White House. It’s been exceedingly tough to focus on the meaningful when nearly half the country is obsessing over the trivial. Instead, let’s all focus on restoring the rule of law.”

Mick Zano 5/13

I guess to wrap things up, even today on Drudge they’re carrying another story about a hospital’s current woes with Obamacare. These hospitals usually reside deep in those square states of ours. It doesn’t change the fact that an estimated 9 out of 10 hospital administrators believe the ACA will do what it was designed to, decrease overall healthcare costs, story here.

It’s like that dentist commercial thing, 9 out of 10 dentists believe brushing prevents cavities. Fox News and their ilk are always scouring the country for that one ‘specialist’ who buys into their absurd agenda. The guy who thinks brushing causes cavities. Yeah, that guy. Of all the important issue of our time, I am hard pressed to find one example wherein the majority of a given specialists, on any given topic, favor a republican held viewpoint. They reside in another world, a world beyond data, beyond science, beyond reason. And they remain quite mad, both emotionally and psychiatrically, or:

GOP Reality

It doesn’t matter if you call it climate change or global warming. It doesn’t matter if you call them terrorists or Islamic extremists. Nothing covered on Fox News matters, but what isn’t covered will be our undoing. Turn that shit off, Pokey. We got work to do.

Total (Over) Lording Deniers

Pokey McDooris

The evidence is conclusive. All of today’s best minds have reached a consensus that the current administration is demonstrating totalitarian tendencies that clearly violate its constitutional limitations. If these totalitarian tendencies are not addressed, we are in jeopardy of experiencing rising lies, increased tumultuous social storms, and global warring that threatens to destroy our republic. Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria.

But even when confronted with all of the obvious evidence, there is still a significant number of pseudo-rational individuals who deny the totalitarian over-lording that operates from within our government.

What is this evidence?

Let’s start with the IRS scandal. Oh, I can hear the deniers now: “This is all just manufactured lies from the racist right-wing conspirators who slander poor President Obama because they’re all jealous of how good a job he’s doing.”

Just humor me. Starting back in 2010, the IRS began flagging applications from groups with political references in their name like “we the people,” “take back the country,” “tea party,” and “patriot.” Strictly bi-partisan, of course. When Lois Lerner was asked if the IRS had targeted liberal groups, she said, “I don’t have any information on that.” Why thank you, that’s very helpful. Now, these flagged groups were given a more rigorous review than those not flagged. Former IRS commissioner, Douglas Shulman, initially denied that his agency was targeting conservatives. “Why we would never dream of doing such a thing.” Then he promptly retired.

The recent information that Congress has finally obtained from the IRS shows that after the “flagged” groups provided their information to the IRS, 1 out of 10 was subjected to auditing. That’s ten times the rate of the average citizen.

The message is loud and clear–be careful what you say and who you support. The big question remains: is the IRS auditing connected to the White House? I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that they have drones and don’t even have sufficient wall insulation. What we do know is that the former IRS commissioner, Douglas Shulman, visited the White House (at least 147 times) more than any of the most trusted members of the President’s cabinet. Shulman initially spoke words inconsistent with reality (lied) about the targeting, and Louis Lerner at the Congressional hearing has so famously refused to answer questions on the matter. I know what you’re thinking, “What difference does all that make now?” I don’t know, but that brings us to our next piece of evidence.

The Benghazi attack took place on the nine year anniversary to the World Trade Center terrorist attacks, yet for many months after the attack had taken place, a large portion of the American population believed that the attack was caused by “a heinous and offensive video.” Now listen up you deniers, even if the people who attacked the Benghazi base were angered by an anti-Muslim movie, SO WHAT! Why does our administration feel compelled to seek an excuse for people who commit acts of violence against innocent people? When if I started killing people after reading “a heinous and offensive parody website?” Would I be justified? Well, in the case of the Discord, maybe.  Would the website be at fault? Would it be accurate to report that the “offensive website” caused the violence? People, the answer is “no.” There is no excuse for unprovoked violence, so when our President and his helpers make these kinds of excuses, they embolden such violence and weaken our security. And that’s my job.

After Salman Rushdie wrote The Satanic Verses, what if our leaders had reported that the 6 million dollar price placed on Rushdie’s head was caused by an “offensive book.” Well, make no mistake about it, that’s how Islamic fascists saw it–they were justified to kill Rushdie for his “offensive book,” just like they were justified in attacking Benghazi because of the “offensive video,” and they were equally justified in attacking the world trade center because of the United States’ “offensive foreign policy.”

There is a current trend in our culture to embolden irrational rebellion. For example, I’ve noticed that many public school teachers have been taught flawed methods for addressing defiant behavior in our youth. This method is played out something like this: “Now Johnny, what have we done to make you so angry? Why do you want to tear up your homework and throw it in my face? Now, if you keep attacking the teachers, you won’t earn your stickers and prizes.”

Many of our elected officials have been taught these same flawed methods for addressing the defiant behavior of our mortal enemies. This method plays out something like this: Now Abdul, what have we done to make you so angry? Why do you want to burn our flag? Is it Zano again? He is thoughtless some times. If you keep killing our ambassadors, we’re gonna have to cut off your billions of dollars in aid.”

Now, I want you all to open up your minds real wide. What if…I know this is gonna sound crazy, but what if Benghazi wasn’t just an overcritical movie review (thumbs way down)? What if the Obama administration, along with the CIA, knowingly crafted a false narrative in order to cover up the real happenings at Benghazi? No, really, I think it’s possible. I also think that, just maybe, the CIA was shipping arms from the facilities in Benghazi to al Qaeda mercenaries in Syria. Yeah, I know that it’s against the law to provide weapons to known terrorist groups, but sometimes I think that the President doesn’t care about the law. Why did the administration lie about the terrorist attack? That’s a good question. I think that if all the information was uncovered, it would have jeopardized President Obama’s chances for re-election. Yeah, I know that would have been dishonest, but I think that maybe President Obama is not really as trustworthy as he appears.

Oh yeah, and I don’t think that Fort Hood incident was really ‘workplace violence’ either, and what happened at the Boston race was more than just an athletic injury. And the incident at the last Discord Christmas party was not just…well, that was workplace violence.

Declare War Not Bankruptcy

Pete Christensen

Since America’s inception, bankers, businessmen, and other criminals have preyed upon the middle class as well as the uninformed, while lining their already bulging pockets. I don’t advise anyone to climb into the same sewer these scumbags inhabit—no, I’m not talking about Discord headquarters—but there’s no reason you shouldn’t be educated enough to fight back. Don’t declare bankruptcy before reading this post!

Bankruptcy was meant to be a way to keep communities together through forgiveness. In the Old Testament the practice of excusing all debt every eight years was known as “Jubilee”. The Daily Discord’s Jubilee is a very different beast and is thankfully not mentioned in the Old Testament.

Abraham Lincoln, Jack Nicklaus, David Crosby, The Baltimore Opera Company, Mets outfielder Lenny Dykstra, Billy Joel, and Opera Singer Dorothy Dandridge have all declared bankruptcy. The rich have always used it as a means to keep their savings, rather than pay off their debts.

In today’s society there’s no reason to do so. The stigma stays with you for a full decade—

[Discord contributor stigma joke removed by the editor.]

Every time you apply for a job this question will be asked. And, it will keep you from getting any state or federal position where you might be compromised by debt. Going to a debt-consolidation company for protection is an even worse idea. This is regarded equal to a bankruptcy in status, but unlike chapter 13 you still have to pay the money back.

In most states if you can simply avoid your creditors for four full years, your debt is erased. That’s right, just don’t allow any creditors to get a judgment against you during that time period, and Kazakhstan is wonderful this time of year. Putin likes that country so he’s unlikely to invade anytime soon.

Once a judgment occurs, they can garnish your wages and you’ll never keep a job. Thus my need to become a freelance blogger. How’s that for a stimulus package?

Creditors can call you endlessly, mail you items, threaten you over the phone, and even call your neighbors and tell them about your debt. But, if you continually answer the phone “Who‘s calling?” and “Where are you calling from?”, it’s easy to identify the debt collectors and tell them you’re not home. It may be a lot of fun to screw with them but, remember, the poor rube on the other end of the line is just some schnook trying to make a living himself.

Besides, four years of avoiding debt in Kazakhstan will fly by, unless, of course, Putin gets antsy. Eventually you will begin to get letters offering to settle for less and less every year as the debt gets sold to different collectors. Each one will be losing money by chasing you. You’ll watch as THEY become more desperate instead of YOU. Eventually, the calls and letters will stop, and you will get that chance at a fresh start. As the Bible says it was meant to be. Well, at least that’s the way I interpret it. But I really would avoid those Discord Jubilees; there’s something wrong with those people.

Dear Fox News: Your Obamacare Lies Are Working!

Mick Zano

So the alternate reality on the right is poised to win a huge victory in the midterms. All the battleground states for the senate race happen to be in those few areas where Obamacare isn’t working. Sooooo, break systems, cost lives, create your own reality and get rewarded! …not so fast. Let’s not forget the GOP is tearing itself apart. It hasn’t had a common message that made sense since Just Say No…wait, I’m being told that didn’t make sense.

I’m still predicting the Tea Party will be the GOP’s undoing. The hard right always likes to snatch victory from the jowls of DeMint…or something. Again, I’m breaking from the prognostic guru of our time, Nate Silver, which is never a good idea. But I refuse to believe the GOP will regain the senate. I like climbing out onto limbs, especially of the Jessica Alba variety…call me.

Some Dem or another recently pointed out how republican governors—those who denied Medicaid expansion for their states—are essentially responsible for an estimated 17,000 deaths. I work in the Medicaid world and, although this is a bit over the top, there’s some truth to that statement. I know, I know, math again. Through misinformation, conservatives may have already killed more folks than Obama death panels and planking accidents, combined.

All indications are the ACA is meeting its goals and that the majority of recent news for the program is very promising, here. More people are covered and rates are, for the first time in my adult lifetime, slowing…and I’m older than Dirk…you know, that guy from Battlestar Galactica.

Some larger insurers are jumping on board and, as previously mentioned, the vast majority of hospital administrators think it’s going to help the industry, here. So despite both republican opposition and those horrid rollout glitches, enrollment numbers are…well:

8.1 Million Signed up on ACA Exchanges, 1.1 Million Over Estimates
8.1 million Signed Up on ACA Exchanges, 1.1 million Over Estimates, How will Obama explain this discrepancy to the American people?!
How will Obama explain this discrepancy to the American people?!

“It turns out that lots of people who don’t have health insurance would rather have health insurance. Who knew?”

—Jonathon Chait

So, which States Are Signing Up For Obamcare?

Obamacare Enrollment Red states vs Blue States

Unfortunately, this chart is older than Dirk. Did I do that joke already? Battlestar Repeatica? But this polarizing trend is only deepening, see: States Embracing Obamacare are doing better job of covering the uninsured, surveys show. And the only red state in the top ten of that chart is Kentucky, but only because they named the exchange site: WeHateObamacare.guv.

Well, who could have seen any red state lagging…oh, wait:

“If the ACA works well in some states and lousy in others, we can do our R and D checklist….well, some of us can. I believe it will work in some places, but not so much in others.”

“Unfortunately, I am predicting huge ongoing delays in certain square states, who simply refuse to take their socialized medicine.”

—Mick Zano 9/13 and 11/13, respectively.

This quote brought to you from 1313 MockingU Lane. What television show?! Look, the GOP said over and over again how the ACA “can’t possible work” and predicted it “would be the end of America!” There’s your first clue, kids. For all of their grand predictions…well, tell them what they’ve won, Vanna!

Since you tried to break something that’s now the law of the land and failed, you win the Senate!

Yes, the folks from the land of Neverever Right are gaining political ground. But I’m still not convinced it will topple the senate. And, if you can’t believe a spoof news blogger today, who can you believe? If this happy trend continues in Obamacare land my original prediction stands…that Sanjaya will win the 2006 American Idol crown! Okay, not that prediction. But I still believe Sanjaya!

As usual, Waldman gets it:

“The next time you see a Republican candidate saying that Obamacare is well on its way to implosion and will destroy America along the way, remember that regardless of the facts, he isn’t acting foolishly. He may be denying reality, he may be appealing to his constituents’ worst instincts, and he may be making them dumber along the way. But he’s doing the rational thing.”

Paul Waldman

In reality, we’re not really going to know for years who’s better off and who’s not. But, thanks to their steadfast republican prediction, it became reeeeeaaal easy for me. I admit I gain some of my prognosticating prowess from their ineptitude.

Look, how could Obamacare possibly be worse than the preexisting condition? Insurance rates were rising 6% per year? Less and less were insured while more and more people were one procedure away from bankruptcy. Hey, but we have the lowest taxes in the civilized world, let’s start a Tea Party! Don’t Tread on Meh?

The details of the impact of the ACA will remain complicated for a long time and republicans can’t even do simple. Here’s their summary:

Fox News Poll: Only Four People Signed up for Obamacare
Fox News Poll: Only Four People Signed Up for Obamacare…and they all hate it.
…and they all hate it.

You republican types believe a whole bunch of horse shit, but, that’s okay, because it’s all part of being a republican. As I’ve said before, Obamacare will work about the same as any other government program, which equals: High bureaucracy, but tolerable.

I agree we need good government programs, not shitty ones, but that’s all we got. I wish we were more competent, but I will continue to choose the lesser of two evils. Republicans, meanwhile, will keep trying to scrub off that 666 tattoo under the hairline and make excuses like:

“My wife might look like a dog, but she’s really a jackal, which is exotic. And, sure, Damien is going through a lot of nannies, but in the heartland we feel that’s just saving us some deportation funds.”

—John Q. Republican

Right now, all data, polls, and models predict a likely GOP senate takeover in the midterms, but models can be wrong as we have seen with the climate. Wait, I’m being told those are back on track again. So things should be heating up, politically and thermologically. By the midterms Obamacare will be functioning even better and the GOP will make the Shiites and the Sunnis seem like the Wonder Twins. Wonder Twins activate, form of prediction.

Atheism: It’s What’s for Last Supper

Mick Zano

So how does a guy deeply interested in spirituality end up championing the coming Age of Atheism? Oh, it’s easy, especially when you’re a spoof news “journalist”. But, before we get started, excuse me while a sacrifice this goat on this pentagram. Pokey, you are that goat.

One of my chief GOP complaints remains their rigidity of thought and their all-or-none thinking. Where does this problem stem from? I think some of their dysfunction clearly has its roots in Catholicism. It’s at least part of why republicans think the way they do, badly. Catholicism and Islam are the main two religions on earth with this good people/bad people, hell/heaven dichotomy and it is still shaping ideologies and legislation in the U.S. today.

“U.S. and them, and after all I’m just an ordinary Dem.”

—Pinko Floyd

Hey, at least atheists believe in science and they believe that ALL men are created equal. They also believe in public television, NPR, and no whip mocha lattes. More importantly, they believe in math, science and outcome measures. They can interpret new data into an ever-evolving position (with the notable exception of the whole mind/brain thing. Related post soon).


I was not originally opposed to voter ID laws, until I discovered during any given election fraud was estimated to occur only about .004%. That’s when I realized this was more GOP game-rigging (See: Gerrymander 2: A Good Day to Lie Hard) so my position changed. But, if the new data from NC turns out to be accurate, here, I may change my opinion again, especially if it turns out to be even more widespread. But I will reserve judgment as 95% of the stuff covered on Fox News tends to be of the bullshit variety. Yet all along the GOP’s solution to .004% voter fraud was to cover each instance, one at a time…this will explain it:

Dear GOP,

If 130 million folks voted and there was an estimated .004% fraud, if you cover each of the 5,200 stories separately, it doesn’t change the overall amount.



Evolving positions on the right are almost unheard of. So, minus any evidence, this ID vendetta was designed to disenfranchise our poor voters. Nothing more. Blessed are the…Your paperz, bitte! I believe that ploy was from Josh’nya or was it Dontvoteicus?

If the Foxeteers don’t have any real evidence, they just click on the Breitbart.coms of the world and voilà, instant evidence! It panders, it slanders…and look at that shine! No matter what data emerges the vast majority of republicans are incapable of changing their views. Republicans take their propaganda on faith. There’s at least a five year half-life on any botched issue and by the time they figure it out, who cares? Benghazi! Today’s republicans make Douglas Adam’s Golgafrinchnans seem like the High Elves of Rivendell (who legalized, apparently).

Oh, and how about that recently unearthed 2nd century evidence suggesting Jesus had a wife?

Jesus was married

This parchment was coincidentally released right around the same time that Jesus stopped hanging around with all those sinners and prostitutes. This excerpt from the lost Gospel of Huggy Bear:

“Sorry, guys, ahh she kinda funny.”


“Yeah, everybody funny. Now you funny too.”

—George the Apostle

And then Jesus said, “Blessed is the steady booty” and no one saw Jesus for a time.


But don’t worry about Climate Change, God will send another Moses to cool the oceans, or if they get too acidic Jesus will turn it into a nice merlot, or if it starts to rain too much another Noah will gather two of every iPhone app so they can eMate.

But remember, kids, under no circumstance drink and then try to walk on water. It will end up on YouTube.

Also, atheists are a surprisingly ethical bunch, which at first sounds counterintuitive, like conservative wisdom. Take Christopher Hitchens for example; he created a much more sensible 10 commandments before he went to meet his…oh (throat clear). How could his rules be more relevant than God’s? Full Zano story on here. Most of God’s 10 commandments are meaningless in 2014, like our Constitution. I kid the patriots.

You shall not covet thy neighbor’s ox? Really? Well, once during a Google search I saw something pretty horrific, but I think such things go without saying, aka, no coveting that shit. But, really God? Did you have to carve that into a tablet? (Throat clear)…er, what does covet mean again?

Religion’s main affront to humanity is how it invariably turns out-group members into monsters, which is a source of much of the strife in the world today and, coincidentally, a main theme for Fox and Frauds. More “primitive” cultures, who employ hallucinogens in their sacred rights and/or individuals who meditate, tend to move beyond fundamentalism and embrace some form of humanity’s interconnectedness. Atheists are more likely to squat on a mat for the science-backed benefits of meditation than Christians. A form of Unity Psychology is our future…that is, if we have one. Many more tribal cultures believe in the oneness of all things and, by the way, so did the Gnostics, better known as the people who invented Christianity. Unfortunately, their Frankenstein Monastic wandered away from the castle and started terrorizing the planet.

So I appreciate the work of Hitchens, Dawkins, and Harris. Atheism and the leading edge of human knowledge seem married at the moment. And, in a world getting dumber by the second, they give me some small hope for mankind. Many of our atheists are our best and our brightest; they are dizzying intellects who I just happen to be smarter than (cough). I agree with them on this much: we must move passed this “we have the ONE true answer” dogma, or:

“The Indians once called a great council (to discuss their origin myths) as they sat around a fire the Dakota people talked about how they rode in from the Black Hills on purple horses before time and when they finished their story, everyone said, ‘Great story! Great story!’ And then when the Cherokee spoke, they told a story of how their people emerged from a cave, everyone said, ‘Great story!’ And when it came time for the priests to tell their story, they told of the Garden of Eden and of Adam and Eve, and everyone said, ‘Great story!’ Then the next tribe started to tell their story and the priests said, ‘No, no. No more stories. Our story is the only story.’ And the Indians were like, ‘Who invited these guys?’”

—Tom Blue Wolf, Mythic Journeys (2009), paraphrased.

That fear of out-group is organized religion’s biggest problem and, coincidentally, republicans and coincidentally the worlds. It stops the move from ethnocentric to more worldcentric thinking. If we don’t start working together as a global community, it’s going to be bye-bye time. Working together will improve our chances of navigating the rough waters ahead. The only thing stopping us right now is religion and capitalism—the GOP’s dynamic duo—mainly because:

A. There’s no money in saving the Earth (an excerpt from the Gospel of Koch), and:

B. Resources, reshmources, why bother? Jesus is returning soon to suck the faithful into heaven with his Holy Hoover.

Thanks to such reasoning, here we are today, so far behind the 8-ball it would take the aid of the Hubble telescope just to see the town the pool hall is in. I believe there’s some hope in parts of the new age movement (check Reality Sandwich and a related Pinchbeck post, here).

As for the Dawkins and Harrises of the world:

“For the most part, I agree with them. Belief in God is not required and it’s the cause of so much suffering around the world via religious extremisms. However, their approach is too fundamentalistic for my taste.”

—Ken Wilber

So Wilber would likely agree with my “Sure beats Huckabee” pro-atheistic last post snark (PALPS). Dawkins’ approach, in particular, annoys me the most. He captures the essence of scientism. Indeed, there’s even fundamentalism in science. He wants to rid the world of all hocus pocus and all mumbo jumbo, even the stuff he hasn’t bothered to look at or study! And, as for Mr. Hitchens, see my Hitch is Not Great: How Rationalists Are Wrong About One Thing. But at least atheism continues to wage an important unholy war on organized religions:

“Today, every one of our great traditions is in profound disorder. What have been taught as their basic truths seems to no longer hold. Cultures move from a deep spiritual impulse, lyric moment that creates the form of a culture, to more pragmatic consideration.”

—Joseph Campbell

Campbell assigns no blame for this natural societal shift, or as Forrest Gump once said, “Shift happens.” Enters a true pragmatist, Barack Obama, a man thwarted from the onset by the faithful. Why? Because to them he is the personification of some out-group and he’s in the White House!

“So the new mythology to come must be a global mythology, and it’s got to solve the problem of the in-group by showing that there’s no out-group.”

Joseph Campbell

There is no They…except maybe in that John Carpenter film, but that’s different. So is Them, for that matter, and giant ants aren’t even mentioned in the Bible. An oversight? Blessed are the radioactively enlarged ants? Well, God’s not bugnipotent, that’s for sure.

Atheists are much more open to this worldcentric model and they’re less likely to go to war than those still deluded by fundamental religions. And that’s not to say all religious folks are delusional. Christ-consciousness is Buddha consciousness is the Tao, is the way. It’s just that Christ consciousness has little to do with today’s Catholicism, at least for the vast majority of its members (see: the 700 Club).

The right’s ability to get it wrong, every time, is astounding and only with help from the faithful could they be so blinded. Take the death penalty. Who’s for that? Christian conservatives. But it costs society more in legal fees and appeals than if we just let them rot in prison. So it doesn’t even make sense from a fiscal standpoint. Not to mention those wrongly fried. And what about Thou shalt not kill? Are you going to ignore the only commandment that makes sense? Is there a footnote or an asterisk on the tablet that got chipped off?

And step away from that ox, Pokey!

Such fixed beliefs only become barriers to Wilber’s worldcentric level, to pantheism, to unity psychology and to the perennial philosophy, shaken not stirred. In fact, they become a barrier to solving the greatest challenges of our time.

“Science doesn’t have all the answers but fundamental religions don’t seem to have any.”

—Mick Zano

The world will be a much better place when we leave religious intolerance behind for a more meaningful spiritually. Embracing atheism, aka reason, may well be an important step:

“Your old road is rapidly agin’, please get out of the new one if you can’t lend your hand, for the climate is a-changin’.”

—The Gospel of Bob

This is not an actual Zano rebuttal to the recent Pokey McDooris’s post, here, as both contributors decided independently to discuss atheism as their next topic of interest. They both picked on Dawkins, they both mentioned the Hubble, and they were apparently both separated at birther. So I propose, rather than another round of dim-witticisms, we have the deciding post via Skype or some other mediated forum. Cokie? Can you handle these bozos? Meanwhile, any attempt at rebuttal posts from you two knuckleheads will be immediately sent to the Discord furnace, deep in the bowels of the asphalt jungle known as Philadelphia.

Godless speed,

Pierce Winslow

Atheism Is Dead: Don’t Believe the Unbelievers

Pokey McDooris

Pinning down your logical fallacies, Zano, is like playing Whack-a-Mole with a Q-tip, on acid, while surfin’ the web on an outdated Blackberry, while trying to sign up for Obamacare—early on in the enrollment period—and throw in some more acid…but worse.

I’m just gonna focus on whacking one mole at a time. Let’s start with your absurd claim that we are entering the Age of Atheism. If our country really is entering the age of atheism, then how do you explain the American people electing such a devout Christian as Barak Obama? Remember his words, less than six years ago, while he was running for office, and he was asked his opinion about gay marriage; President Obama answered, “I personally believe that marriage is a union between a man and a woman; and as a Christian, I believe that marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.” If we were truly becoming an atheistic nation, would we have elected someone who publically professed such a traditional faith? (This is called ‘irony’.)

You claim that all cultures eventually tend to shift toward liberalism and that atheism is potentially an evolved worldview. Name one evolved atheistic culture in the history of humanity? Atheistic liberalism is equivalent to brainwashing. It was brainwashing when Stalin did it; it was brainwashing when Mao did it, it was brainwashing when Castro did; it was brainwashing in Lesbos, that Greek island inhabited by all those beautiful…wait, I kind of get that. But it’s brainwashing now.

Just to prove my point, let’s take a look at Little Johnny’s atheistic education.

“Little Johnny, we know that your foolish parents have taught you that there is an invisible Creator called God–just like they taught you about that silly Santa Claus and his cohort, the Easter Bunny–so we’re here to teach you that you’re parents are ignorant fools. You see, Johnny, the consensus of expert scientists agree on the fact that human beings are mere complex apes that arose from random chance mutations on this tiny speck of a dust called Earth. We’re just circling around a sun as one of billions in this vapor fart-cloud of a galaxy that is but one amongst billions of others galaxies in this black empty universe. Essentially we popped into existence, like one of those breakfast cereal elves.”

Yes, we know how to snap, crackle and pop Little Johnny into shape, so that he will be best equipped to compete in the modern day economy. Oh, he feels a little pressure as his brain is pinched tight until the juice drips to fit the bubble. “So Little Johnny, you’re feeling depressed and stressed from the standardized test. Well, the doctor can prescribe you the THC ‘chill pill,’ and we’ve got the federally funded ‘munchie break’ between breakfast and lunch. Oh, and it’s a bummer that we’ve eliminated recess, but you can burn off some steam in Sex Ed. with our state of the art ‘hump dummies,’ or head over to the cross dressing, same-sex fondling room. You don’t know where that is? Right passed the transgender and metrosexual restrooms. You see, Johnny, it’s best that you explore the full gamut of your sexuality so you can come to an educated decision as to your sexual orientation.

Atheism’s time is over, but some ideas don’t die easy. Zano assures us that our society is becoming Atheistic, and I agree…that our society is being brainwashed by the dead ideas of Atheism, Darwinism, Communism and Overt Zanoistic Hedonism (OZH). Although, I did have fun at that one party, but then I had to spend all Sunday in confession.

Look, atheism has never made an affirmative claim, it merely denies the existence of a theistic God and an intrinsic purpose to life. Modern atheists speak with such arrogance when confronting those silly superstitious people who read their Bibles and talk to their invisible God because of their fears and inadequacies. What modern atheists don’t tell you is that the scientific evidence over the past century points clearly in the direction of theism.

When an atheist use to ask, “Where did the Universe come from?” They would reply that the universe is “infinite, and has always existed.” This was called the ‘Steady State Theory,’ and this theory was held by many within the scientific community. I say ‘was held’ and ‘was called’ because no reputable cosmologist holds that position today, because the observable evidence has proven this theory to be false.

The Hubble Telescope has shown humanity that the galaxies are moving away from each other with increasing speed. Cosmologists mathematically plot the movement backwards to a “singularity point” where all matter was on top of each other –13.74 billion years ago. Thus we now have scientific proof that the first three words of the Bible, “In the beginning…” are in fact true, and truth-seekers are compelled to ask if the fourth and fifth words of the Bible are also true. And let’s not forget the dedication page, To my Loving Wife, Barbara. I admit that part of the Bible code has not been cracked.

Recent scientific investigation has uncovered the structure of DNA and it’s far more complicated than Darwin ever imagined. Unlike mere molecules, DNA actually stores information. Nowhere in nature has matter been found to ever give rise to information. Information comes from intelligence. This discovery of the complexity of DNA has led many scientists to question the theory that proposes “origin of species” and “natural selection” and “random chance mutations.” Dr. Fred Holye says “bio-materials with their amazing measure of order must be the outcome of intelligent design.” Anthony Flew said, “The findings of more than 50 years of DNA research have provided materials for a new and enormously powerful argument for design.” That’s starting to sound a lot like hate speech. Thought police alert. Hey, what happened to that grant money? But I have tenure. Hey, I even voted for the metrosexual restrooms?

Even Richard Dawkins started changing his tune: “I suppose it’s possible that you might find evidence for that (Intelligent Design) if you look at the details of biochemistry, molecular biology, you might find a signature of some sort of designer.” Oh, but Tricky Dicky Dawkins can’t leave any hope that this ‘sort of designer’ is the first cause intelligent Creator of the cosmos that many of us refer to as God. No, no, Dawkins clarifies, “Well, it could come about in the following way. It could be that at some earlier time, somewhere in the universe, a civilization evolved, probably by some kind of Darwinian means, probably to a very high level of technology, and a form of life that they seeded onto perhaps this planet.” Oh, that clarifies things Dr. D. It was space aliens who intelligently designed life on this planet.

Random genetic mutations, aliens!

You see, now, that the genetic evidence cannot be suffocated inside the stifling straightjacket of Darwinism. These atheists theorize about space aliens–that’s their God, anything but the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Okay, Ricky, I’ll humor you. Let’s say that life on Earth was intelligently designed by Evolved Space Aliens–then who or what designed the life that became the Evolved Space Aliens?

Crickets….crickets…and more crickets…followed by doubletalk, distraction, chit chat about the weather (global warming, no doubt), and change of subject. On this question, I have yet to get any coherent response by the proponents of the ‘Space Alien God’ (SAG) Theory. 

This brings me to my last point–the discovery that the conditions for supporting intelligent life is so very, very rare. The earth is indeed a very lucky (or very blessed) planet. When cosmologists first realized the vastness, diversity, and scope of the universe, most assumed that life would be common. After all, our galaxy alone contains billions of other stars. Our galaxy is one of billions of galaxies in the known universe. Scientists assumed that out of so many known planets, there must be numerous cases of life at least as intelligent as ours. As Carl Sagan once stated, “The available evidence strongly suggests that the origins of life should occur given the initial conditions and a billion years of evolutionary time.”

Well, recent discoveries have found that the universe is actually very hostile to life. Life is fragile and requires numerous narrow and specific conditions to be met to make life possible. Our planet Earth has just the right location in just the right kind of galaxy. Our planet is just the right size with a large enough moon, and it orbits at just the right distance from just the right type of star. Our plate tectonics are thin enough to shift, but thick enough to be maintained. Our atmosphere contains just the right combinations of life-nurturing gasses. Yes, the more we discover about the conditions in our own galaxy and in other galaxies in the universe, the more it seems as though the origin of complex life is indeed miraculous.

So what of the numerous reports of UFOs that we hear of in the popular culture? When Carl Sagan extensively studied the details about the large numbers of modern reports of UFOs, he called it pseudo-science. “Think of how many other “explanations” there might be: time travelers, demons…tourists from another dimension…the souls of the dead…each of these explanations has been seriously proffered…” “The least likely explanation of UFOs is the hypothesis of extraterrestrial visitors by intelligent beings…”

Atheism led to Darwinistic ‘origin of species,’ ‘natural selection,’ and ‘random chance mutations.’ Darwinism led to genetic engineering and social engineering, which lead to Nazism’s ‘Superman’ and Communism’s ‘totalitarian state’. Now Darwinism’s foundation is undermined by the evidence, which suggests an intelligent designer; so Atheists seek another kind of designer ‘god.’ This god will play the part to give everybody what they want. A soul-travelling pure spiritual being of higher consciousness, a remotely-viewed psychic channel to the Akashic field, or an anal-probing alien from another spoof news blog. I hate those. Choose whatever god best fits your orientation…uh, and the right bathroom.

Toast, It’s What’s for Climate

Lady Liberty Global Warming
Mick Zano

Two factions are duking it out, warmers and climate deniers. Obviously I hope climate deniers will be proven right, but have you seen their record? They haven’t added anything relevant to the public discourse since their messiah was wrangling dinosaurs. Blessed are the plesiosaurs?

Models are now predicting a game ending 4˚C hike by 2100, which was just echoed by the U.N. Oh, the U.N. said it, so it’ wrong! Granted, the U.N. is an incredibly dysfunctional group of individuals, but they make the GOP look like the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Meanwhile, a billion dollar network to deny climate change was recently uncovered, here, and I’m sure there’s equal money being spent by those cap-and-traders. The big difference? Those funding both sides believe in climate change, only one side believes in profits more.

“With all the worldwide mass extinctions occurring, dare we hope republicans are among them?”

—Mick Zano

If climate models don’t predict a 15-year pause in the warming, conservatives are right. But, if climate models do predict more extreme events, temps, and increased snow fall, conservatives are still right…er, because cold is the opposite of warm. Regardless of the data, regardless of the science, conservatives are always right—except for the whole always being wrong part.

A while back Matt Drudge linked to Obama to address climate change during coldest SOU in history. Yes, many climate models accurately predicted historic cold snaps and extremes, here, yet NASA just announced it’s been one of the hottest years on record, here. But, of course, republicans find the one former NASA scientist doubling as an evangelical kook. Have you heard this one? Roy Spencer’s claims have rifled around the net as he’s insisting all of our climate models are wrong. This guy ascribes to a universe wherein all of God’s work is “self-sustaining”. Of course the Super Novians would beg to differ, but they exploded. I guess republicans only read the NASA part of his resume. That’s still pretty good for them, small steps for Foxkind, small steps.

I recommend if an “expert” on any given issue agrees with any republican held position, before posting their drivel play spot-the-looney.

Spot the Looney

You can’t use what the model accurately predicts against it! Our rather frigid winter did not change the facts. England was recently hit by the worst flooding in 250 years, CA is amidst its worst drought in 500 years, and even my town, Flagstaff, had one of its warmest winters on record. I don’t know how many hundred year events have to happen as I finish this sentence before republicans cop a clue.


Answer: It was Mr. Green blocking the pipeline in the heartland.

No? How about:

Professor Dumb with the solar panel in the greenhouse gases?


The changing of our ocean currents and our jet stream (polar vortex) is actually further proof of warming. Chris Mooney over on Slate tried to counter Drudge’s spin with: No Surprise Matt Drudge Gets it Wrong Again. This approach misses the main point. Matt Drudge and the Koch Brothers are sociopaths. They know global warming is happening, but they are systematically muddying the waters to keep society from tackling one of the most pressing issues of our time.

Alternate street parking?

Okay, the other most important issue of our time.

They are fighting for short term profits over our future existence via the “kitchen sink” method. The GOP employs this method for everything from scandals, to the economy, to social issues. They are inundating us with anecdotal nonsense, which in the case of climate change is designed to keep the debate alive. Here’s the equation:


Debate = Inaction

Inaction = Profits

Profits = Treasure Bath!!!!!


treasure bath

Whether the world is getting cooler, warmer, becoming denser, or even going paisley, we need a War on Coal now. The GOP—or at least their “think tanks”—will continue to ignore the overwhelming consensus of science, not out of stupidity, but out of a massive spin campaign designed to keep fossil fuels alive and well.

“Wind farms killed another bird last week, so let’s go back to poisoning our water supply with coal. Are you going hunting this weekend? Hey, birds don’t drink water, right?”

—John Q. Republican

Give Charles Koch a lie detector test. Ask him if he believes in climate change. Ask him if he believes in trickle-down economics. Ask him if he believes Obama is the worst president ever. Hah! He doesn’t believe in anything except his own bank account.

The republican’s Climate Change playbook:

1. Deny as long as possible.

(See: the right wing media.)

2. Blame natural earthly cycles and downplay man’s influence

(Which is becoming increasingly unlikely, here.)

3. Say, “Well, India and China wouldn’t have changed anyway.”

(Is everything they think wrong? Apparently, here.)

4. Melt into a small pool of goo.

(Step 4 is sadly non-partisan)

Republicans are currently somewhere between number 1 and 2, the “climate taint” as it were, which is astounding when everyone else has reached DEFCON 5. Today, people are actually less likely to believe in global warming than even 6 months ago, to the tune of 7%, a trend directly due to the Fox fog machine, here. On a good note, Fox has increased their real warming coverage from 7% to 28%, per The Guardian here. Even Fox News realizes it’s time to start shifting to phase-2. When they finally admit it’s happening they will immediately absolve themselves of any wrong doing. Remember when Iraq was just some bad intelligence? …actually, it was a lack thereof. Modus GOPerandi?

Slate Magazine is covering our arctic ice death spiral here. That’s different from a death panel…in that it’s real. But the right has countered with their own important story:

“There’s still plenty of ice in my freezer, in fact, there is so much ice I am concerned I won’t be able to shut the freezer door soon.”

—John Q. Republican

The tiny sliver of climate denying studies, roughly 4 percent, is where Matt Drudge, The Heritage Foundation and Fox News mine for all of their meaningless nuggets of climate change wisdom. And they can repudiate every “9 of 10 climatologists believe” moment by finding one study misclassified.

“Oh, yeah, how about that one study from Scheister and Alarmist. The data is wrong so it’s really only 96.98% so the whole thing is a lie!”

—John Q. Republican

If a model predicts we will lose a Maryland sized glacier and we only lose a Delaware sized one, they call “gotcha”. Then they forever cherry pick quotes from that one quack on the dole. Bill Nye recently said on Maher’s Real Time, “They (The GOP) keep banking on that small percentage of uncertainty.”

Look, science doesn’t know exactly how warm it will get by 2030, it doesn’t know exactly what percentage is caused by man, it may even change its mind outright at some point based on new findings, but:


Dear GOP,

If you rarely get anything right, why are you so sure of yourselves on Climate Change?



P.S. Science is only 100% certain of one thing, republicans are always wrong.


Whereas science is currently wrestling with global patterns, republicans are wrestling with parables and proverbs. Our climate scientists are looking to understand the big picture while republicans are still staring at that bent Polaroid they dug out of their VHS tape drawer. Sorry, but we already passed the tipping point, we’re toast…and yet half our country still can’t even identify the problem? Really? So essentially the GOP won. Their plan was to keep debating until it’s too late. Remember, kids, when a republican wins, we all lose. The whole thing is almost as astounding as their economic views…well, not quite.

Reality is a hoax