Sometimes, just sometimes, watching the democratic process stirs up a mix of emotions that is oddly reminiscent of how I feel when I see things like chocolate covered potato chips. First, I’m a little intrigued. Then, I think, what a waste of perfectly good chocolate. Then, I end up feeling a bit scared on behalf of humanity as a whole. During some of the presidential debates, I felt all this, and more, as I watched Ron Paul’s emergence and his fellow candidates’ subsequent confusion. When someone like Paul brings up those pesky National Intelligence Estimate findings to the denial squad, or mentions facts about torture, habeas corpus, or the constitution, it can be both comical and dangerous. For Republicans any deviance from the White House’s talking points triggers serious consequences, such as (gasp) realization. Didn’t that kook, Paul, get the memo? FOX News has assured us that the incompetent parts of the last seven years (roughly 94%) never happened. Who is this constitutional upstart? Doesn’t he realize that what’s left of the Republican Party is designated to the ever-shrinking Bushian bubble of non-reality, hovering over the White House like a Roveian fart? When Paul spoke during the debates it was like watching robots being fed paradoxical statements. Smoke rose out of their ears, a few springs shot into the audience, and the knee-jerk responses spewed, such as, “America doesn’t need to apologize to anyone!” Apparently, this includes those affected by all the war’s collateral damage as well as those people wrongly whisked away into the night, detained, and tortured without proof or due process. These neocons must be brought up to date slowly; otherwise it’s like watching a deep sea diver surface too quickly, or abruptly rousing a sleep walker, or reliving that mother/daughter end-of-the-Crying-Game moment. In short, the Republican denial involves pride, stubbornness, and a lack of Ginkoba supplements. You have been terribly wrong about a terrible war that may have far reaching consequences for the Middle East and the United States, but it’s OK. When you are a neocon digging a hole, it is best to stop digging, casually lay down the shovel, look as inconspicuous as possible, and maybe shift your energy toward domestic affairs, like dismantling more of the Constitution. The ‘Surge’ may well be working, but the fact remains that this is just the first step of our build-your-own-country kit. After five years, countless lives, and an ongoing two-billion a week price tag, we have successfully inserted tab A into slot B. Hurray, now we have completed step one…only 187 left (I knew we should have purchased the preassembled model). I understand it may be distasteful to allow your liberal friends to pull you out of this hole, so why not employ the aide of someone more integral? Someone who understands that foreign threats do exist and that something really does need to be done about them, but have you ever seen something fraught with this many missteps end well? OK, maybe the play Springtime for Hitler, but, let’s face it, that was a fluke. Personally, I marched on Shock and Awe Day, but I was brightened by the purple thumb brigade during Iraq’s first vote. Our cheerleading must be tempered with the awareness that any progress might be seen as a green light for the Bushies to move their invasion to other countries, including loveable Canada. This eventuality continues to cause considerable moral and patriotically-grounded angst. After all, they invented back bacon and hockey. It’s time people started to appreciate the difficulty that I have had walking the line between patriotism and rationalism. Let’s face it, if Iran, and or Syria, are ever to become the next logical step in Bush’s ‘road-side-bomb to peace,’ there is no way, no how, it should be managed by Dr. Incompetent and his Neonatecons. Isn’t it time for more options than ‘America is always wrong,’ or ‘America is always right?’ In order to rise above both parties, isn’t it time we formed a new one? Integralists will help you out of this ideological ditch without saying, “I told you so,” or “where is that twenty you owe me, bitch?” But on that note, I would like to take this moment to ask, “Where is that twenty you owe me, bitch?” This party will stand by the original tenants of conservatism, small government, and protected civil liberties, while embracing civic responsibility for those less fortunate among us. A more ‘integral’ party loosely based on some of the work of Ken Wilber, will help us address the complex problems of the twenty-first century. Our battle cry, which will ring out from the fruited plains to the purple mountain’s majesty: “Don’t be stupid. Be a smarty. Come and join our TransCosmetic Party.”

Warning: To the casual reader who is blissfully unaware of the darker goings-on within the current administration, the contents of this article may prove deeply disturbing. To those with weak constitutions: consider Ron Paul’s candidacy.

Something sinister has happened to Vice President Dick Cheney. My suspicions were aroused after viewing a video clip, circa Desert Storm, wherein Mr. Cheney alludes to the insanity of a regime change in Iraq. He prognosticates that if Saddam Hussein were to be toppled, pieces of Iraq would “fly off,” ultimately leaving us stuck in a “quagmire.” (His words; my quotations; Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts). Equally stunning is the conclusion of the video, wherein Mr. Cheney is seen licking an ice cream cone and petting a small dog—possibly a pug—while warning of the dangers of global over-industrialization.

Since then, yours truly did some digging…and oh, what macabre truths have been unearthed. I believe that President Bush is simply a human ghoul guarding Cheney’s lair back at his ‘undisclosed location.’ If the opportunity arises, move in as close as possible to the VP, then whip out a shard of mirror or some other reflective surface to see if he casts an image. Sadly, our own roving reporter, Skippy Morowitz, was gunned down within inches of the VP while attempting this very feat.

Cheney’s former chief assistant, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, apparently played a more Renfield-like role. During his obstruction hearing last year, Libby sent this enigmatic message to New York Times reporter Judith Miller: “They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them.” What you may not know is that the postscript read: “Send juicy centipedes.” More intriguing was Cheney’s response to Scooter’s pardon. “It saves me the trouble of deciding whether to visit his jail cell in the form of a wolf or a greenish vapor.”

Some disbelievers may ask why most Cheney sightings continue to occur during daylight hours, but I’ve got two words for you skeptics: Adobe Photoshop. Speaking of which, perhaps the most compelling proof is the completely doctored photo seen at the right.

Several other theories have surfaced regarding Cheney’s atypical behaviors. These include, but are not limited to, alien abduction, Australian-rules cloning, mutant werewolf ninjas, and, perhaps least credible of all, the emergence of a Dormant Evil Gene (D.E.G.). Some of these theories may seem fantastic, even made up, but they do beg the question—is Dennis Kucinich a UFO?

Although the particulars remain up for debate, a growing truth is becoming apparent: Dick Cheney is a supernatural entity. If not a vampire then perhaps he’s a pod-person or possibly a zombie clone of some sort. How else could any administration pull off the most heinous expansion of executive powers since Howard Taft discovered marzipan?

The current administration is unimpeachable, unsympathetic, and, quite possibly, undead. Mounting evidence suggests Cheney is amassing Sauron-like powers in his de-Googlefied mountaintop fortress. That’s right, folks: his residence has been removed from Google satellite images, so even Tom Tom can’t find Dick Dick.

The final nail in the coffin is this: weeks before Skippy Morowitz’s tragic death, he secretly obtained this picture of what is believed to be Cheney’s new and improved residence:

Vice President Cheney and his underlings can listen to our phone conversations, read our emails, and imprison and torture us without provocation or due process. But even he went too far when he added the following to his list of approved interrogation techniques (Christmas edition):

1.	Such “enhanced techniques” may consist of the following, among other things, according to circumstance:
	Deprivation of sleep
	Stress positions
	Waterboarding
	Impaling (suspected terrorists only)
	Draining of blood (on second thought, just send them to the VP’s office)

Ultimately, we must discover a way to destroy the seat of Cheney’s power: his sacred book, the Neo-Necronomicon, which is believed to be buried deep within his cadaver-sized safe along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, two missing CIA torture tapes, and the only known copy of Nixon: The Musical. We must recover and destroy these items…well, all of them except for the CIA tapes. We’d better hang on to those to defeat an equally diabolical monster: Frankenbush.

Why is the recent Habeas Corpus Supreme Court decision so important? The writ of Habeas Corpus is the cornerstone of the Bill of Rights. Habeas Corpus is the right of any individual unlawfully placed in detention to receive legal council, a fair hearing, or Circus Peanuts. (Oh, that stale marshmellowy goodness.)

"Habeas Corpus secures every man here, alien or citizen, against everything which is not law, whatever shape it may assume."

— Thomas Jefferson (that left-wing, terrorist lover).

One can assume that Jefferson meant even if the ‘shape’ comes in the form of the aforementioned Circus Peanut.

If your government can pick you up, detain you indefinitely without trial or charges, the Bill of Rights and the Constitution are moot! In fact, if someone tries to permanently suspend Habeas Corpus, our forefather encouraged us to run around in circles, flailing our arms. While this advice has raised my metabolism considerably—allowing me to indulge on the occasional Circus Peanut—it has done nothing to restore our rights. Frankly, we’ve dressed as Indians and held wild tea parties for much less offenses. Today, just ‘offending’ the government could book someone a one way ticket on the Gitmo express.

You might be saying, “But they would never do that!”

Did you ever take a civics class, theoretical question person? Do you huff paint thinner, per chance?

With Harris v. Nelson (1969) the Supreme Court determined the “writ of habeas corpus is the fundamental instrument for safeguarding individual freedom against arbitrary and lawless state action.” If recent government proceedings have not been arbitrary, I don’t know what is. The ‘great writ’ has been undone by the ‘great twit.’ The fact that John McCain is complaining about the restoration of Habeas says a lot about this presumptive president and his priorities. Next he’ll be telling us he doesn’t use the Internets.

Our forefathers actually borrowed this ‘great writ’ from the Magna Carta of 1215. Such rights aren’t pre-9/11 thinking, they’re more accurately pre-1215 thinking. Do you know what happened in 1214? I don’t, but I’m reasonably sure it was before the Bushes or the Clintons held office (by a month or two). 1214, people! Even longer than Bush rolled back those EPA regulations (by a month or two).

You might be saying, “Why do enemy combatants need rights?”

Look, paint-thinner boy, your government can declare anyone an enemy combatant and is therefore no longer burdening itself with providing any pesky evidence or proof. The rule of law has not only broken down, but it has been stripped to the block and the parts sold on fucking E-bay! Can I make this any clearer? That is why this decision to restore it is so important.

It is not good enough to say, “well, our president would never abuse such powers”; the point is, no one should ever wield such power. That’s what checks and balances mean. That is why Gandalf, Galadriel, or Mr. Fabulous would not accept Sauron’s ring of power. There was a Mr. Fabulous in Middle-Earth, wasn’t there?

I’ll never forget watching C-span in my underwear with a bucket of vodka (the Monday night special) as some senator asked Alberto Gonzales, “Aren’t you concerned that these expanded powers in the wrong hands might be abused?”

He responded, “Yeah. Like I hope the next dude is, like, righteous,” or something equally inane.

You might be saying, “Well, all I can say is, it hasn’t affected my life.”

Are you serious, theoretical question person? Put down that magic marker, this instant.

Let me use an extreme example: it’s a little late when you’re on the train to Auschwitz to start tapping the SS officer on the shoulder. I’m talking to you Sean Hannity. Although, I do approve of your recent Hannity-Youth Movement. I think it’s patriotic and well-grounded in rationality. In fact, anyone would be an ‘enemy of the state’ not to join this wholesome brand of governmental programming.

To heck with waterboarding; only three countries have ever officially condoned stress positions during interrogations: the U.S., Turkey, and Nazi Germany…or—as the pharmaceutical companies call them—the Axis of Advil. I have been following Andrew Sullivan’s blog, and, like him, I believe “Sane and civilized societies do not give permission for such things. And they do not make excuses for them. And when they discover they have been done, they investigate and prosecute those who broke the law.”

Remember in the movie Cloverfield, when the monster ripped the head clear off the Statue of Liberty? I believe that was a metaphor. Clover = Bush and field = failed; erog, Bush failed. Crimson and clover, over and over. OK, it’s getting late and the hallucinations are starting again. Circus Peanuts, Circus Peanuts. Need more Circus Peanuts.

They’re coming for me again. It’s just that I’ve been in this same stress position for so long, and they don’t let me sleep anymore…

Opinions such as these have led to my being whisked away in the night, denied a lawyer, and formally charged. They even cut off my access to medical marijuana. I have pre-glaucoma in my left eye, for god’s sake! Worst of all, they keep denying my request to be waterboarded with beer. The monsters!

Come hell or high lager, glug-glug, I’m going to write my next compelling article, It’s Hard to Enjoy the Chicken Pilaf Chained Naked to the Wall, glug-glug. Oh, god, here comes the bitch with the leash. Well, this part isn’t so bad. Could someone please call the ACLU? Better wait until the bitch with the leash is finished, then call.

Signed,

Sleepless in Syria

(I think…well, I know I’m sleepless, but the Syria part is an educated guess)

Below is a Discord original recipe. Not like one of those Cindy McCain original recipes—the real thing. For god sakes, man, don’t let them get their hands on this!

The Circus Peanut:

1. One shot of Banana-Red Maddog
2. Top off with a whisper of Southern Comfort

The Beatnik’s counter-cultural ideas of the 1950s soon evolved into the hippy movement of the 1960s, and eventually the bowel movements of the 1970s. This beat mindset ultimately permeated the mainstream zeitgeist in the 80s and 90s like a funkadelic fart.

Although many of the Beatnik and Hippy writers like Kerouac, Burroughs, Ginsberg, and Kesey expressed great insights, they also embraced serious philosophical flaws that have been ingested by our current culture like a Jim Jones Cool-Aid Spritzer. ‘Sex, drugs, and Rock-n-Roll,’ ‘If it feels good, do it,’ ‘Turn on, tune in, and drop out’ all became war cries of the 60s movement—Sure, I love sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll as much as the next transvestite crack whore, but I don’t recommend starting a religion based on them…well, maybe the sex part.

The neo-hippy insanity is rooted in the Beatnik’s mistaking biological impulses and pleasure-seeking for higher trans-rational states of consciousness (Wilber, 2000). Kerouac’s most well known character, Dean Moriarty, was the glorified hero of On the Road. He lived life moment-to-moment, chasing after his whims without concern for consequence. This became the role model for the archetypal hippy-guru, and any social or religious rules that infringed upon this hedonism were viewed as the evil oppressor of the Neo-Hippy’s enlightened narcissism (N.H.E.N.). In order to justify their ego’s indulgence, they gripped onto moralistic issues that pitted them against the demonized societal overlords. Save our young soldiers from the machinery of war; the planet from corporate monsters, and E-coli from relentless scientists’ germicidal agenda! Save the parasites!

Certainly peace, environmentalism, and science are all higher moral endeavors, but when people turn these issues into ideology, they do so for the immoral purpose of justifying their pacifist-aggressive strikes against ‘the man.’

Back in the sixties, many anti-Vietnam protesters operated at a pre-conventional level of moral functioning, yet they aligned themselves with lofty and often legitimate post-moral causes. This justified their derailment of conventional morality. History repeats itself as Neo-Hippies now align themselves against the war in Iraq, the Bush administration, corporate greed, and the far right fanatics in order to validate their childish tantrums and irresponsible behaviors. These people already have the higher ground, therefore, anything is justifiable as long as it opposes the evils of Western Civilization.

Hey, I’ve got an idea; let’s invite the president of Iran to speak at an Ivy League college…

Neo-Hippies are irrational know-it-alls with bottled up rage veiled as pacifism. To them, America is the worst virus to ever infest the Earth…when all rational people know that it’s Kazakhstan!

Neo-Hippies today argue that civilization itself has alienated humanity from their Edenic environment which now destroys the very planet upon which we live. Therefore it’s commendable to return to a time when wild unicorns roamed the Serengeti Plains. There is an overpopulation of people, and these people have made machines that rape planet Earth and plunder her natural resources for the purpose of humanity’s wanton greed. Yawn.

F’ the unicorns, Bono.

Ultimately, the dismantlement of western civilization is at the heart of the Neo-Hippy agenda. They secretly hate themselves and hate humanity and hate living. Eventually three days of peace, love, and music, has degraded into thirty years of hate, fuck, and noise.

Policies are passed that destroy community, country, and world. The irony remains: all of their excessive freedom-seeking compromises individuality. Destroy all immigration policies and deconstruct all social structures, especially those established by religious and family principles. Make all concepts of ‘truth’ and ‘goodness’ relative and irrelevant.

All cultures, peoples, and governments are equal. But Kazakhstan…not so much.

Nobody in this world, from suicide bombers in Palestine to dictators in South America, can possibly be called wrong, well, except for the United States and Israel, who can do no right. If this sounds like a contradiction, remember that the Neo-Hippies have liberated themselves from the stifling repressive grip of logic.

Welcome to our worldwide suicide.