News & Politics

A Mikky-Twoshits Rebuttal

by The Crank • February 4, 2010

Oh, where to begin… Great, you watched Fox Business Channel. Small steps, Mick, small steps. We don’t want a relapse. But you were surprised that a business channel is focusing solely on how well the markets are doing. Uh, Mick, it’s a BUSINESS CHANNEL, just what exactly were you expecting? (sigh) I do not typically turn to the Green Planet Channel (GPC) for all the latest strip mining techniques.

Massachusetts WAS a referendum, not so much for Republicans, but against Obama and the current carnival freak show that is the Congress. The election was won on three specific ideas: the current health care bill is an abortion, endless spending of money we don’t have is wrong (unless, of course, Heir Beck is right about “agendas”), and we the peoples Don Juan no stinking Mirandizing of people we are at war with. So it’s simple, actually. If you believe, as Obamarama states, that it was anger toward Bush, you are more delusional than even I thought. You and Hannity are the only two humans left that still have Bush on the brain (And no, I aint goin there…). I hope the two of you will be happy together.

Please stop calling the Tea Party Obscene names. It makes you look like the typical Lib that has no arguments left, and has resorted to name calling. I know you ain’t one of those, so just stop—unless you have tea bagging on the brain (which, of course is what it is…if you follow). There are people that can take care of that for you as well, many of which are probably your test subjects-er-I-mean patients (Island of Dr. Zano joke omitted by Winslow).

As far as budget cutting, here is some news for you, and you’ll soon find out it’s true and then you’ll have to eat your lunch all by yourself (wasn’t THAT an Eagle’s song?). We are broke. Right now they are even laying off Police and Firemen in Phoenix. Whereas this may be good for the crime spree barn burners that you call parties, I think the rest of us would rather fund them than not. Unfortunately, this is where we are. Making the sales tax near 10% is like funding childcare through a tax on cigarettes (which they actually tried doing). The money gets less and less, not more and more, as people quit smoking, or in this case purchasing, and can have immediate effects on job creation. Increasing any taxes during a recession is an economics 101 no-no, but you were never too good with money, so you wouldn’t have known that. I feel bad for the mentally ill children, but not so much if my house burns down. Speaking of Eagles, in the words of the immortal Don Henley, “I’d like to find your inner child and kick its little ass.” Well, it always worked for my mother. It made me the man (twitch-twitch-blink-blink) that I am today.

As for your Obama quarterback analogy, if a relief quarterback is brought into a game and upon his first toss, throws the friggin ball into the hands of the opposition, he is now responsible for any loss. Period. Obama took the ball and tossed it right into China’s hands. If he had just stood there and dropped the thing, it would have been better. Not fixing the economy is better than making it much worse. When you tell the small business owners that you don’t give a rats ass about the economy, that you want to increase costs of doing business with Crap & Trade and Healthcare, and that you don’t see a problem with taking money out of the system by deficit spending—all the while businesses can’t get the credit you’ve wasted—they have the unfortunate response of firing people.

I remember you telling me that the Campaign Finance Reform law was the worst thing since wet Wonderbread, and now that it has been repealed, it was the greatest? Very flippish and floppish, sir. Make-uppa-you-mind. It’s really about the Constitution. You know, the thing that Bush trashed, which you libs are now using as an excuse for more trashing that makes his big league trashing just so much junior varsity play.

Apparently, that ten minutes in the can, should have been much longer. Despite all of this, my offer still stands to bail you out of jail, any time—unless you pull another Philadelphia. That was just wrong.

The Crank

by Mick Zano • February 2, 2010

Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction to be re-aired

The big game has the most expensive time slots on television. This year, since even Budweiser has taken a pass on super bowl commercials, CBS is scrambling to fill their spots with ‘vintage NFL commercials and halftime moments,’ including Janet Jackson’s infamous c-cup debacle.

“The shock value will be gone this year, of course,” said CBS president Sean McManus, “but viewers will be more prepared to enjoy the boobage, set their DVRs or, in some cases, cover the eyes of their young ones.”

McManus reports having missed the first airing of Jackson’s breast because, “I was in the can.”

When asked why CBS doesn’t simply lower the cost of these spots to match these difficult times, McManus only laughed. CBS and the National Football League understand the lack of new beer commercials will create a void in the lives of football fans everywhere. So CBS and the NFL are suggesting that during breaks this year people consider intercourse. CBS would also like to add the word consensual. And, of course, they suggest an alternative if you’re at a sports bar or in some other public place.

“Oh, and if you’re single,” added McManus, “Go fuck yourself.”

McManus later added the qualifier, “but in a good way” to his earlier statement.

by Mick Zano • January 30, 2010

Director James Cameron reported a violent personal attack on Friday. He identified his assailants as the Vegas showmen known as the Blue Man Group.

“They didn’t say a word,” said Cameron, “But the assault was well choreographed.” Cameron told police he had written the Blue Man Group a letter, in which he apologized about not casting them in his recent film Avatar. Unappeased, the performers accused Cameron of copyright infringement. Their chief complaint involved the director’s choice to cast blue ‘imposters’ in the movie.

“They called me a racist and a Blue Meanie,” said Cameron, “which I believe is a Beatles reference.”

Things escalated for the director in early November after the grisly discovery of a severed Mountain Banshee head in his bed. After last week’s assault, which witnesses describe as “entertaining, ambitious, and exhilarating,” Cameron sustained injuries to his clothing and parts of his ego.

“I didn’t know my planet, Pandora, could unleash so many ills on the world,” said Cameron. “I didn’t see that coming. Well, I suppose it is better than what they did to the Smurfs.”

Papa Smurf, or what’s left of him, was unavailable for comment.

by Mick Zano • January 28, 2010

How can you people insist Obama hasn’t accomplished anything? He postponed a depression, he put a muzzle on Joe Biden—no easy trick—and he turned global warming into global cooling. Not bad for one year in office. Sure Obama is a bully, but he’s bending the rule of law for the powers of good. OK, I’m kidding. It’s just fun watching the patriotards squirm. Have a czar, you’re gonna go far…

Back in 2008, Pokey McDooris asked me the hardest question ever.

He said, “Ginger or Mary Ann?”

Then he asked me an even harder question, he said, “Forget about (R) or (D) for a moment, who do you think has the best chance of both keeping us safe and pulling our country out of this freefall?”

I really couldn’t answer.

The Dems invariably suck, but voting for a Republican after eight years of George W. Bush would be kind of like purposely zipping your penis into your own fly. Five years ago, we were already talking about Glenn Beck and we could commiserate with his view of our pending demise. He was making slightly more sense when no one was listening to him—kind of like Pokey.

I finally answered with a heavy hearted, “Mary Ann.”

She was busted for pot recently, at sixty-something, and I can respect that…

Then I said, “Obama would keep us safer.”

Admittedly, a guess at best. I knew he would be great on the soft power and, besides, how could he do any worse? We needed a senile hawk in the White House about as much as…did I mention the pant zipper thing? Sheeee-it, it’d be like picking Mrs. Howell, for Gilligan’s sake.

Today, congress remains handcuffed by lobbyists and King Obama reigns over the Bill of Rights. You remember, that document you fools dismantled in the name of Freedom? As somewhere Joseph Goebbles grins (the way skulls often will). Just this week, conservative judges passed the SCOTUS decision, moving us ever closer toward an amalgamation of government and business…but isn’t Obama the fascist? First Halliburton, now SCOTUS, but, remember kids, Obama bought the auto industry because he’s such a huge car guy. The difference with liberals is this: they can at least smell a socialist fart when they lay one.

No matter what we do from here on in, peeps, we’re moving toward a pile of fecal matter the size of—what’s our deficit again? Sadly, Fox and the Teabaggers are right on one. Obama’s ten year borrowing plan does mean the end of the economy as we know it (wasn’t that an REM song?). Obama’s Monopoly money simply postponed the big D. But now Fox will have their fall guy, right on cue. But, hey, it’ll be almost worth it to see the Foxeteers on those long soup lines with a twinkle in their eye.

I braved the Fox Business show the other day (not recommended). They want Obama to “grow up” and, of course, everyone on the panel blamed Obama for our economic state, except the one guy that couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

As ineffectual as Obama is, the Foxeteers are the ones who need to grow up. If they get everything they want for x-mas, our economy will still go down the shitter—albeit a little faster, with less pomp and circumstance, and with less options for the survivors—but hey, who’s counting, right? Certainly not our enumeration czar, The Count von Count.

Didn’t any of you ever wonder why you just happen to believe 95% of what is espoused on Fox? Why their endless talking points just happen to resonant with your own? Is it subliminal messages or mental illness? As soon as MSNBC started to suck, it took me twelve minutes to figure it out (hint: I was in the can for ten of them).

Shut off the transmission in your heads. These business tards on Fox are only going to support whatever they think will keep the stock market percolating through their morning joe—and by noon they’ll all be out to lunch. They’ve missed so many memos, I don’t even know where to begin. So I will finish…They’re wrong.

The neococoon is an interesting phenomenon. I call it the land of the neurologically fear driven partisan defense mechanisms (LNFDPDM). The neococoon creates its own reality by repeating falsehoods, ad infinitum, with absolutely no regard for our collective future, or lack thereof. It worked for Hitler…come to think of it, Roger Ailes did too (when was he born?).

Here’s one example why the vast majority of Fox viewers are simply corporate dupes. In my state, right now, Republican Governor Janet Brewer (AZ), is about to gut nearly all funding for the severely mentally ill and for Kids Care (insurance for low income kids from working families). No, I’m not making this up. Republicans are always penny wise and pound foolish. At least they’re consistent. Almost completely broke now, Arizona is also going to close most of our state parks. So here’s my idea. We let all of the mentally ill loose in the parks. Then, not only can we keep the parks open, but it will liven up those Sedona Pink Jeep Tours. Hey, and what’s a caravan of donkeys down the Grand Canyon without a pack of paranoid schizophrenics at your heels, eh? This is win-win! Or in the case of the Obsessive Compulsive Canyon Cruise, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win, win!

Raise the state tax a penny, you stupid bitch. We shouldn’t become a third world country until the next collapse, or are you just trying to be the first in your class? Oh, and stop blaming the Dems. Here’s the equation Governor Gullible:

I blame the Republicans for this mess = intuitive, but only partial credit

I blame the Dems and Republicans for this mess = Full credit. Well done

I blame the Dems for this mess = you’re a brainwashed ignoramus (zero points)

Oh, and by the way, your state’s next. But my point is this: to the backdrop of the chaos currently ensuing, we see the same limo pulling up to the psych-unit with several suited drug reps, armed to the teeth with catered treats for our doctors and nurses. You know, so we buy their overpriced anti-psychotic meds that no one can now afford outside of Scottsdale proper (insert The Hamptons, if you’re from the east coast, here). Besides, how can we get them their meds now, anyway? I just let them loose in our state parks. Hmmmmm. Folks like Ted Nugent would probably pay big bucks to track and nail a bucking bi-polar borderline with injectable Risperdal. Naaah, I’ve been reading too many Crank articles.

Good luck with your future business endeavors, Foxeteers.

Your singular lockstep backing of banks, lawyers, the Visa Gods, insurance and drug companies while offering only empty gestures toward reform is truly frightening.

Michael J. Fox News wants to go Back in Time. So do I…but not to 2008. Heck, they don’t even realize yet—at this late hour—that their paradigm, their worldview, and their tax shelters have already collapsed. It’s like trying to go back to work at the World Trade Center on 9/12; it aint gonna happen. So yes, they are the most culpable, the least in touch with what’s happening, and the biggest obstacles to making the tough choices to save this nation. Real America killed by real dumb Americans, film at eleven.

But you’re right about the Dems sucking. It’s time you all realized there are no good choices left…only then can real change commence. So why not actually make some tough choices now, folks? Why not work toward some semblance of community sustainability? You can start by making sure there’s enough hops and barely in your hometown. Right, Governor Brewer?

Come back into the fold, kids. Support the third option. Join the Transcosmetic Party today. We already have nearly five members…and growing.

I have been told that I am not solution oriented. My bartender says otherwise. I have suggested a gas tax, years ago, to level the playing field for a time so we might actually pursue genuine alternative sustainable fuel sources (GAS-FS). Not continue to be duped by the big three. I don’t want to pay five dollars a gallon either, people, but what part of we’re all screwed aren’t you getting?

Fox is blaming the relief quarterback, who had one last chance to throw it long. They have absolutely no regard for the first 59 minutes, you know…when they controlled the play. Obama had one shot or, as I call it, the Hail Mary Ann pass. She was the cutest, but I’m partial to brunettes.

Sorry Hannity, Massivetwoshits was not a Republican referendum. Obama nailed it in an interview last week. If you are an incumbent in the next several years, R or D, you’re toast. Then the guy who comes into power next will, again, be toast. When you break shit real good, it aint getting fixed anytime soon. That’s the only message, asshole. This is—and has been—a complete collapse since November 2008. So you can stop cheering for our collective demise anytime now, Patriot Boy.

As things sink further into the super capitalistic abyss, people will run willy nilly between door number one and door number two. It’s called the Haiti shuffle….what? too soon? We can’t keep trying these same two pathetic choices. In the immortal words of the Joker, I’m bringing them out a whole new door…and, yes, it involves something brewed by the Ghetto Shaman. Instead of four years in the military, send your kids to Haiti for four months. Call it training for what’s to come. The only hope we have of turning this ship around involves a move toward integral thought. Or, in the case of Republicans, I’ll settle for any thought. So come on, kids. The alarm bells are ringing. Time to don the tights and slide down the bat pole one more time toward freedom!

Er…Freedom is just this club I frequent. Don’t read too deeply into that.

by Mick Zano • January 26, 2010

Obama Admits The Count Tallied Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is investigating its own near-criminal inflation of the total jobs created by the stimulus plan. Some of the problem is due to the questionable decision to hire The Count von Count, of Sesame Street fame, to tally the numbers.

“It started out well enough,” said stimulus overseer Ed DeSeve. “He counted full-time jobs created by the stimulus package, then he counted part-time jobs created by the stimulus package, and then at some point he started counting ceiling tiles.”

According to witnesses, The Count started the project with, “One! One job created by the stimulus package, ah, ah, ah… Two! Two jobs created by the stimulus package, ah ah ah…” but, by day twelve, The Count was overheard saying, “Four! Four thousand cars on the Southeast Freeway, ah, ah, ah…”

“We knew right then we were screwed,” said DeSeve. “I told Barak that we should have gone with Grover.”

The Obama Administration is trying to put the best spin possible on the matter.

“It’s not known when The Count transitioned from counting real jobs to counting random inanimate objects,” said Obama, “but we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that some of those early numbers were legitimate jobs created.”

Obama is denying allegations that he had planned to name The Count his Enumeration Czar in early February.

“I would also like to dispel any rumors that Burt or Ernie will be my next Family Values Czarinas.”

Washington insiders believe neither Ernie nor Burt have spoken to the president since his stance on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

by Mick Zano • January 23, 2010

Rescue Called Off in Haiti: Too Many Survivors Asking to Return to Rubble

Port-au-Prince, Haiti—Rescuers are calling off the hunt for survivors throughout Haiti as the people hauled out of the debris in the last few days are now choosing to return there in droves.

“It’s disheartening,” said an American soldier, who would only identify himself as Captain Steve Manning of 172 Fourth St., Bethesda, MD, “but, I must admit, conditions are somewhat better under several tons of concrete.”

“I’m going back in,” said one Haitian survivor. “And I will not come out again until Conan O’Brien makes a decision!”

Oh, forget it. Scratch this one, Winslow. Go with the song I wrote: On the asphalt, the city asphalt, the Tiger sleeps at night. I’m telling you, Winslow, we can milk this Tiger Woods thing for another three months. Trust me on this one. When have I let you down? Well, besides the iTit bit and my last several submissions.

by Mick Zano • January 19, 2010

Apple does it again. Today Apple announced the successful development of a breast implant that can both store and play music. The iTit only costs $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. The surgery to install the device is not included, but talk about Silicon Valley! And here’s the best part, guys—just hitting the play button will get you great music and to second base. This is also being considered a major social breakthrough, because women have always complained how men stare at their breasts but don’t listen to them. That problem ends today! You may also choose to listen to NPR (Nipple Public Radio) to stay abreast of the situation. And, tuning into the right station has never been more fun.

But wait, there’s more!

If you order now, we’ll throw in the second iTit free! The item does come with a manufacture’s warning: there is a slight risk of suffocation when using the surround sound feature, but, hey, if you gotta go…

Batteries not included and void where probhibitit. Yes, we used that joke again. Apparently, they come in pairs. Apple did have some bad news today. Their latest line of booty-mounted smart phones, the Dingleberry, only comes in brown. (Hat tip: Tommy T.)

by Mick Zano • January 16, 2010

Silly Hat Day Goes Unnoticed at Afghani Parliament

Kabul, Afghanistan—Members of the Afghani government are becoming increasingly frustrated with the recent string of President Hamid Karzai’s poorly conceived morale-boosting events.

“I wore my biggest and my silliest turban on silly hat day,” said a disgusted Hassan Rahimi. “Granted, it’s not much bigger or sillier than any of my other turbans, but I thought there would at least be prizes or something.”

“Karzai completely ignored my suggestion that we have a lottery and then stone to death whoever picks the lucky ticket,” said another Hassan Rahimi. “The man ignores the classics!”

“His casual burkha day really sucked,” added Abdul Haq of Kandahar. “And don’t even get me started on dunk a Mullah Monday.”

“Mistakes have been made,” admitted President Karzai. “I didn’t think I had to specify no IEDs during the lunchroom obstacle course, but live and burn.”

The politically embattled president went on to say, “My country still needs something that will unite the Afghani people behind a common cause, like maybe a good pie fight. If anyone has any ideas, please email me…preferably before Wednesday, which is kiss a camel hump day. I’m really worried about that.”

by Pierce Winslow • January 14, 2010

Harry Reid really stepped in it now, but into what did he step? A pile of Republican bullshit, by the looks of it. Senator Reid was quoted in some expose-esque work as saying that America was ready for a “light-skinned” African-American president with “no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” Soooo, where did he call Obama anything racist? Is Obama not African American? Is he not light-skinned? Does he not have Negro Dialect only when he wants one? I’m not saying this is the best choice of words, mind you, but calling for Reid’s resignation? Please… Can’t we throw him out of office on his own merits?

Apparently now you can’t call someone what they are even using semi-politically correct phrasing. What would happen if someone called him a Muslim? Oh, never mind…

It seems to me that Reid wasn’t attempting to make any statement about Obama at all. Senator Reid was evaluating the mood of the American voter – accurately I might add. The American Voter is ready for {the 27 eight by ten color glossy pictures with circles and arrows…}. Yes, Obama fits the description, and hence the American people are ready for him. Where is the degradation here? America was ready for a light-skinned African-American president with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one. There I said it too, gonna fire me for it? Well, you can’t, because I’m the CEO. So get back to work, bitches!

And if he had said that America was not ready for a dark-skinned African American with a thick Negro dialect, he probably would have been right then too. Do you really think that some boy from the hood, fluent in ebonics, would have lasted through a single debate? I can see it now…

Mr Gibson: Mr. Obama, how would you resurrect the starving economy?

Mr. Obama: Yo Homey, looky heya. We gotsa get mo niggas grindin’ time ‘n’ stackin’ cheese, y’know wha om sayin’?. Too many brothas is keepin’ it real, y’know? Dasa jackin’ me up ma bizzle.

Mr. Gibson: How would you resolve the war on terror?

Mr. Obama: We gotsa grit on these Al Quaeda motha fuckas. Bump dat Iraqi bull-turkey jive, bitch. Bust a cap on Bin Ladin’s ass, ya know? Really ball up that mutha fucka. We gotsa be bumpin’ uglies in Afghanistan, White Bread.

Somehow I don’t think that a performance like that would have had quite the same outcome. Now I suppose everyone out there is going to start calling me a racist. Saying these things does not make me a racist; it makes me a realist. Can you really see Miss Polly Purebread from Morman, UT going into the voting booth and flipping the lever for Snoop Dog? Me neither, racist.

The Republicans could really have used someone with the kind of insight shown by Senator Reid back in ‘08. Who was the dumb mother fucker that said “America is ready for a hot MILF that can’t express a coherent thought and thinks that Saddam Hussein is responsible for 9/11”? Now there’s a guy that should have lost his job. Oh, right… And if they nominate that bitch from Moosefucker, AK next election someone needs to lose more than his job.

Now you want to talk about real political incorrectness? This is how my staff wanted to cover the story…

Harry Reid Sets the Record Straight

"Sorry, I meant nigger."

…now that’s degradation. I don’t know what to do with these guys. They’re out of control. Luckily, I won’t stand for such things as head of the moral beacon that is the Daily Discord.

by Mick Zano • January 12, 2010

Gallagher’s Autobiography Melonoma Moments Hammered by Critics

After unsuccessfully suing the band Smashing Pumpkins for plagiarism, comedian Leo Gallagher has now set his sights on some much-needed book revenue. Apparently in 1974, Gallagher tried to liven-up his act by hitting a member of his audience with a large sledge hammer. This did not have the desired effect. After his release from a West Hollywood jail, Gallagher felt more determined than ever to smash something with something else and earn his place in comedic history. After his parole ended, Gallagher destroyed his apartment amidst a dark period known as his ‘pre-melonic phase’. Inspired before a show in Anaheim, he decided to hit an uncooked turkey with a large medieval mace. Few people enjoyed the act, however, and one couple from Pasadena contracted salmonella. Despite these setbacks, Gallagher knew he was onto something (besides antibiotics).

“Then one day it just hit me,” said Gallagher, “…like a sledgehammer to a watermelon.” History was made that day and then splattered across a great many a venue.

Law enforcement officials have indefinitely suspended all of Gallagher’s book signings since last week’s ‘incident’ when an Oceanside man mistakenly dressed as a melon for the event. The fan died outside of a San Diego Barnes & Noble due to severe head trauma.