News & Politics

News & Politics

Obama Sells Texas to Mexican Drug Cartel

Obama Sells Texas to Mexican Drug Cartel

To help pay for Obamacare and to decrease the national debt on the eve of the midterm elections, Obama has sold Texas back to Mexico.

“I know this is a bit of a shocker,” said Obama. “Obviously Mexico couldn’t pay squat for Texas, so we dealt directly with the drug cartels.  Cash for illicit substances will now go to cutting our national debt. Spending our way out of this fiasco has failed, but snorting our way out should be fun and economical! Besides, most Texans want to go anyway so don’t let the panhandle hit your ass on the way out.”

The Obama Administration is adamantly denying plans to return to 1845 boundaries, which would also include half of New Mexico and parts of Colorado.  When asked about our highways, Obama said, “Route 20 will be lost to us, but here’s our plan for Route 40, if we just raised the highway off the ground a few inches, we could probably slide the panhandle out from underneath it, preferably at night, when no one is looking.”

When asked if there’s anything Obama would miss about our 28th state, he said, “There is this  great little Jazz club in Austin but, don’t worry, it’s scheduled to be choppered to D.C. before things are finalized—which, by the way, adds 47 construction jobs to my stimulus program totals.”

Debate is the Death of Conversation: Especially with You!

The Crank

Dear Mick,

I will try, one more time, and then utterly give up and get back to reality television. “But I have a graph, and that makes all your arguments worthless,” and, “Bush was worse, his deficits were more!!”  Well, no. You once said to me that Fox lies, and that you can make up stories, but ya can’t make up facts. That is so right, my bearded little troll. There is a graph for everyone. Facts can be manipulated.  You see, two wrongs do not, in fact, make a right. They make a left. Gotcha! (Cogitate on that one, Mikkie).

It’s all about us silent majority types (OK, not so silent, but that’s another medication). Most of us now have less use for Bush—well, I do mean George, not real bush (small b.), I do still need that—or whatever he did. We do, in fact, LEARN something you might try some day; it’s very underrated. What all the liberal bloggers and “news” media fail to understand is that we see what their way is, and we don’t like it. Not one fucking bit, sir.

I now have personal knowledge of just what happens when you spend lots more than you make. It’s not pretty, Mikko. It doesn’t work, not at all. Ask my wife. Actually don’t ask her, it will only end badly for me if she’s reminded. And a Dodge Ram’s front seat is not big enough for a corpulent person like myself to camp out in (though it does help my chiropractor’s business substantially).  Deficit reduction is economics 101. I was using the failed economics 98 version (you know, the one where you just spend and spend and someone else will eventually pay for it). I didn’t know about the upgrade (D-squared!).

Government only fucks up whatever it touches, like me as a child. It also eats money like I ate Twinkies. What you end up with is only so much chemo-preserved shit piles, just like my Twinkies, which I am told are biodegradable in a few million years or so.  Twinkies, like our deficits it seems, are forever.

Less government is better. Being friendly (not stupid friendly, just friendly) to business is a good way to keep the economy growing. Making the business people afraid to inject money into their business, by making their future unknown as to taxes, health care costs, and carbon surcharges, is stupid unfriendly. These people, by the way, are just the people who hire everyone and pay everyone, so everyone can pay their taxes.  

Basic subjective thinking here, not anything radical at all: When nearly 25% of all workers work for the Government, and only 49% of the citizens pay any taxes at all, well, dem figgers aint addin up. AND, the 5 % of people that pay 90% of the taxes are not the ones you want to be making afraid.  “Although at some point I think you have made enough money” is one of the scarier things Obama has said. The richer they are, the better chances my job will be viable, and I can earn money and pay taxes. You know, unlike now.

When did being successful become evil? It’s what America is all about. Not pie for all, paid for by someone else, but earn your piece of the pie here is what the Statue of Liberty says to all who see her.  It’s what the Tea Party is about. We are not Nazis, we are not psychos, we are not dangerous, and we are not racists. We are just not going to be silent anymore.

Oh yeah, one more thing, Your Mikkiness.  There are, in fact, over sixty-people who appear regularly on the Fox News and Fox Business networks. Try writing about some of the other fifty-seven, you hirsute dork.

And read some of what Europe’s new “Thatcher”, Germany’s Andrea Merkel, has to say about that European Socialism Experiment (ESE).  It officially failed, and everyone knows it (well, just not the French, but who cares about them; they don’t shave or bathe regularly).

John Kerry, you know, Mr. Kiester Island hisself, just came out with a 45-minute speech on how we are all stupid for thinking the way we do. You know, we’re gittin’ tired of hearing it. When you guys run out of argument, it’s all you do. Personal attacks and name calling, geeh that will help me change my mint fer shur. We don’t call you stupid (well I may, but that’s only ‘cause I know you). We don’t go around saying the left is dangerous and un-American…we just don’t want them telling us what to do, is all. The left elitists do seem to get very angry when we stop pretending we worship them. Get used to it; we do outnumber you, after all.

Crank wants out.

SUCCESS!

Washington, DC—Discord reporter, Cokie McGrath is live today from the National Mall, where an estimated “shit load” of people are arriving for the Ghetto Shaman’s Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  “There is mass confusion here, however, as other events seem to be occurring simultaneously,” said McGrath. “There are other posters circulating, similar in design to the Shaman’s.  Not sure if this is splinter group, or a tribute, or something more sinister.”

In an effort to save America, the Shaman planned to enter an alternate dimension by ingesting six Ziploc bags of ground nutmeg and six flasks of Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20. McGrath had a chance to talk to the Shaman before his departure from this realm.

The Shaman reportedly said, “Wooh hoooh, bitches!” before stumbling down the steps outside of the Lincoln Memorial into the hands of security personnel. 

Some theorize the Ghetto Shaman was doused in baby oil to lessen the friction between dimensions, whereas others believe he is just a sick bastard.  Did his altered state of consciousness allow him to complete his task?  Is our country’s soul safely back in one piece?  We may never know the truth, or at least not until Winslow makes his bail again. 

Another Unnecessary Scathing Personal Attack on Pernick

Mick Zano

Somehow unnecessary wars and the Bush tax cuts never seem to match up to Jimmy Carter’s move to get people into homes.  Do I have to show you the graph again?  The Congressional Budget Office numbers site Bush tax cuts and the wars as the two biggest deficit generators.  The housing debacle is ranked third, and is comparatively much less of a projected issue over time, but I understand how third can be first when seen through the magniFoxing glass.

Remember, an unnecessary war is just that, unnecessary.  The ball Jimmy Carter got rolling in the seventies eventually put people into homes, albeit some of them wrongly, but what’s a worse way to spend some cash: putting people into homes, or the bombing, invading, and occupying of a country under false pretenses?  Hmmmm.  And let’s remember, the Bush tax cuts weren’t tax cuts.  Call them what they are, deferrals—they are ultimately loans from China.  Yeah, great plan there, fiscal conservative guy.  But you keep focusing on those numbers you were programmed to focus on.  I’m not defending the housing debacle, but it’s third.  And if you think Barney Frank single handedly destroyed us, you’re [insert any Crank capitalized adjective].

I still use the equation dumb (D), dumber (R), and dumbest (T-party).  It tends to work like a charm on a wide array of topics.  Here’s the big difference between you and I: at this pivotal point in our history, I want a viable, intelligent third party to rise from the ashes of our declining civilization.  Also, lot of spending cuts and some tax hikes are inevitable, because the mess is upon us.  No one really thinks we can do it through spending cuts only (except you).

And, you’re a huge Tea Party supporter  The Tea Party people have some good ideas, but their spokespeople have all escaped from some group home somewhere.  At this point, they’ve seriously missed some important psychotropic med doses.   I’m not a witch.  I’m you…off of your medications.   

If the midterms go all R on us, you did say you would hold them accountable if they keep up the spending.  How will you hold them accountable? By electing Jeb Bush or something?  Why do you keep falling for it?  Was it their pinkie promise they’d be fiscally responsible this time?  Hey, Pernick, I’m going to hold this football and you run and kick it. 

On your website you have a Tea Party rally that CNN allegedly downplayed.  Your quote on your home page says it all:

“CNN reported "at least dozens" on their network.  See the video for yourself.  Is it any wonder so few people still watch their version of cable "news"?”

How is this worse than Fox actually splicing in footage of a bigger rally amidst the Bachman rally?  At the end of the day, Fox was outted by a comedian!  Of course, I realize, our comedians are now civilization’s Uber Journalists, but how can you think that a CNN reporter getting to a Tea Party a little early is worse than Fox’s willful deceit back in some editing room?

Here’s my equation as applied to the media:

CNN = Dumb

MSNBC = Dumber

Fox News = Dumbest

This equation still works every time.  It’s like magic. 

What am I missing, well, more to the point, what are you missing? How do you skip over the worst bunch to bitch about something far more reasonable, pragmatic, and credible…every time?!  You all seem to suffer from this ailment.  Blind ideology has done more to damage this country in recent years than a million “elitists”.  Why, as a seemingly smart individual, do you align yourself with the dunce cap brigade (DCB)?  I live in AZ where the Tea Party thrives and I hear their candidates, every day, saying things like, “I have a gun; I have a truck; I shoot things from my truck; elect me for Congress.” It would be really funny, if it wasn’t resonating with so many other people who shoot things from their trucks.  As I have said, long before the Tea Party, I’ve been advocating for real change.  You’re advocating rebranded republican idiocy (RRI). 

You defend your side of the aisle a bit too much, sir.  I am guilty of this too…er, if I had a side of the aisle.  I should be calling Obama out more often than I do.  But, in reality, the last $1.65 trillion Obama spent was a reaction to the collapse.  It staved off a depression.  TARP and certainly part of the stimulus worked.  I was against bailing out the auto industry and (drum roll please), I was wrong!

Holy shit.  Are you serious, Zano?

Yes, this marks my second retraction EVER.  My first clue should have been that the Crank and I agreed on this one.   I mean, of course, the Obama TARP worked—the part that had conditions, not Bush’s, “hey, where did that $750 million go again?”  I was clearly wrong on the car industry part, so I must now whine about it for several more paragraphs.   No one is discussing this on Fox because they spent too long trying to pin TARP solely on Obama to bother. 

How do you reconcile the fact that most economist of our time say that if we hadn’t done Operation Monopoly Money, the global economy would have flat-lined, for good!  Probably the same thing you say to the 70% of scientists warning us about global warming.  What do you say to the economists who say we didn’t go far enough?  The stimulus was proportionately bigger in parts of Europe and, lo and behold, France and Germany were quicker on the stimulus trigger and quicker to recover.  Hmmmm. 

Again, what do you say to the Congressional Budget Office numbers which site the wars and bush tax cuts as the biggest deficit creators ever?  How do you blame the guy faced with a depression?  By calling him a liar, it seems.   Sorry, not this time.  He inherited this shit, even if it was 60/40 (R to D blame).  Either way he came into his presidency during an economic freefall not seen since my first three attempts to move out of my parent’s basement.  Look, if I step onto an elevator and it starts dropping three floors per second, I don’t blame the guy who punched the floor button.

The kindest history will ever be to the republicans is 60/40 blame-wise.  I have been saying 70/30 or 65/35 but I would be willing to go as high as 60/40, but that’s probably being overly generous to the Bushies.  So, you want that 60% fault group back in power two years later why?  Whereas you won’t defend the republicans’ record, you’re still happily voting them back into power.  Frankly, I haven’t recovered from their last debacle, nor has the country. 

Here’s why the Tea Party remains strangely void of reason.  Where do you find these people?  Why would you work on a thesis for several years, get it just the way you want, and then hire feces flinging monkeys to defend it before the board?   This is what you people are doing.  Aren’t there smart dumb people somewhere who could rally to our cause?  You know what I mean.  Well, maybe you don’t. 

It’s frustrating having people like Glenn Beck leading the charge that America’s broken. Sorry, but I would have absolutely no confidence in a Beck Administration.  And this is the consistent theme throughout the Tea Party.  Their brains have been warped by misinformation, or, in some cases, no information.  So I ask again, where are the frustrated people with a clue?  Well, since none of my movements have caught on, far be it for me to take my ball and go home.

I am starting the Z-Party movement!   It starts here, it starts now! 

Just hit the Contact Us button to join! This isn’t going to be like my last movement, which only generated scorn and nasty emails.  This time, the time is right for real integral change!

I am holding my first big kick off rally in Washington D.C. on October 30th. I don’t believe anything is going on that weekend.  There, I plan to address Other Important Things Previously Overlooked and Stuff, though, we are having a hard time getting this on the poster.  I know this is short notice, but I too have been charged by God, or a dream, or a dream God to point out the absurdities inherent in our broken system.  See you Saturday!

The Ghetto Shaman: Soul Retriever or Foul Deceiver?

The Ghetto Shaman: Soul Retriever or Foul Deceiver?

Philadelphia, PA—The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman met with CEO, Pierce Winslow, to discuss plans for his Rally to Retrieve the U.S. Soul.  On October 30th, at the National Mall, the Shaman is planning to ingest enough ground nutmeg and Banana Red Mad Dog 20/20 to “down a rhino.”  He then intends to depart this dimensional plane of existence for a darker realm, possibly Newark, in hopes of finding an ever-important shard of our country’s soul.  Upon his return, he will restore our nation’s greatness and claim some fair bystander as his rightful queen (in no particularly order).  He then plans to do things he would rather not talk about with ‘said’ queen. 

Pierce Winslow is in full support of the event, “This is going to be huge!  We’re talking ‘my balls’ huge! If anyone wants to be bused to The National Mall on October 30th, simply meet us at the Liberty Bell Pavilion in Philly.”  

The Discord’s CEO suggests hitting the site’s contact button for more details. Insiders claim Winslow has already rented a mid-sized sedan, possibly an Impala, from Avis rent-a-car for the big day.

“That’s just the beginning.  I am prepared to upgrade to a full-size sedan if demand warrants,” said Winslow.  “Avis has some good deals right now, especially for AAA members.”

Midterms Looming: Will Republicans Stop the Budgetary Madness?

Rick Right Pernick

It’s less than two weeks until the midterm elections, and people need to be aware of our current debt situation.  It sucks.  This latest adjective comes from the National Council of Economic Advisors.   Actually, it comes from me.  But, having studied the subject intensely, I would like to add a ‘really’ at this time. So now the national debt officially ‘really sucks’.

In only one year and ten months, President Obama, and his fellow democrats in control of congress since 2007, has amassed over three trillion dollars of debt that will be passed onto future generations.  This insanity must stop!

While touting a less than expected FY 2010 deficit of just under $1.3 Trillion, the actual debt accumulated for the year was $1.65 Trillion.  This is a 1 followed by enough zeros to circle the globe twice.  OK, not really, but it still constitutes ‘a shitload’ by anyone’s standard.  Not that the Daily Discord has any standards, but, if they got some, they would agree.

So where does this large debt discrepancy come from? 

As I explained in The National Debt, Who’s Responsible, the deficit (or surplus) is a function of budgeting, not the actual debt incurred.  Also, please note: I am such a stingy fiscal conservative I even left off the question mark on my link.  Someone else can use it now.  See?  That’s how we fiscal conservative’s think—always conserving.  Since Social Security receipts are added to the budgeted revenue, but Social Security disbursements are not budgeted, the actual debt is greater than the budgeted debt.  And, in this case, bigger isn’t better.

It’s for this reason, the republican budget surpluses signed into law during the Clinton administration failed to actually reduce the total national debt.  In fact, the national debt has not shown an annual decrease since 1957.

It is my hope that republicans will seize control of congress and put an end to this unrestrained spending.  If they do win, and continue the binge spending that was present under the Bush administration and seriously accelerated under the Obama administration, their new reign in congress will be short lived.

If you go to the link, I show precisely how democrats in control of congress have incurred nearly three times the average monthly debt that republicans had incurred since January 1993.  Congressional power was split from January 2001 to January 2003 with republicans controlling the House and democrats controlling the Senate. 

Admittedly, this is not news to me, it was merely an exercise to lay out my argument that Obama’s claim he “inherited” the debt issue from Bush is at least disingenuous, at most an outright lie.  There are some who doubt my understanding of historical and current events, and so I feel the need to show the math.  If you still doubt me, do the math yourself.  The figures used in this analysis were generated at TreasuryDirect.gov

As I explained, this exercise was in no way a defense of congressional spending under republican control of congress.  The fact is, federal spending has been out of control since FDR’s New Deal. Since budget rules were changed in 1974, the debt has exploded. This irresponsible spending must stop if we are to have a viable and sustainable economy for future generations.

I would also like to remind, Mr. Zano, and those other ‘elites’ that they continue to ignore the Tea Party at their own peril.  I would also ask all the Discord staffers who are currently doing inappropriate things to Christine O’Donnell ads to put it back in their pants and show some dignity!  Only then will I consider attending the Ghetto Shaman’s Rally on October 30th at the National Mall.

Please go to RichardPersing.com for more exciting Adventures in Fiscal Conservatisms.

Ancient Dr. Zeuss Books Unearthed in Greece

Pyrgos, GR—A disturbing discovery in a sea cave near the Grecian city of Pyrgos brings into question the entire life’s work of one, Theodore Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss. The ancient scrolls, discovered by archeologist Dr. Sterling Hogbein, suggest the children’s book author is a fraud.

“He’s a crook in my book, a scamazon in my Amazon, a swindle in my Kindle,” said Dr. Hogbein to reporters.  “The real author of those childhood gems was, none other than, the head of the Greek pantheon, Zeus himself!”

Once cleared, the cave walls were found to be covered with numerous children’s stories, such as The Grinch who Stole My Lightening Bolt, Green Eggs and Ambrosia, and There’s a Cracken in My Shacken.  In an adjacent cave, Dr. Hogbein deciphered: If I Ran Olympus, Horton Hears a Harpy, and one of Zeus’s personal favorites, Oh, the Places You’ll Go: When Hera Finds out About You, Mortal Bitch!

The final and perhaps most sinister tale is entitled: One Fish, Two Fish, Red fish… Fuck My Brother, Poseidon, and the Seahorse He Rode in on!

The sea cave is feared to be cursed as, later that night, several members of Hogbein’s expedition became ill during a local bar crawl. One member was unable to continue the excavation until the following day.  And…well, that’s about it, but it’s still pretty suspicious. 

Fox on Both Your Houses: The Green Meanies and Patriotic Pinheads Deciphered

Mick Zano

The argument last week on The View really highlights the psychological pitfalls the major factions of our country face today—namely liberalism and Foxaryanism.  The first affliction has the common side effect of defending the indefensible, and the second, near as I can tell, is some type of Pervasive Voting Disorder (PVD) that strikes the terminally gullible. 

Bill O’Reilly, representing the Fox News constituency, can’t see where lumping in radical Muslims with all Muslims is a terrible idea, especially if you want to win the War on Error. He never apologized for his recent gaffe on The View.  Instead, he said “Most people knew what I was talking about” or some such, and then called those who didn’t understand “pinheads.”  This comes off the heels of one of his colleagues on Fox and Friends, Brian Kilmeade, saying, “Not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim.”

How about trying this one on for size, “Not everyone who watches Fox and Friends is a moron, but everyone on Fox and Friends is a moron.”  Hope that helps, Brian. 

They are showing us how they really feel: Muslims are a problem, period.  It’s “us-versus-them” and “all-or-none” thinking—which is fine if your nine-years old, but not so cool if you’re an adult—especially an adult who happens to be the most watched Pinhead in Peoria.  BillO lives and breathes from the shadow side of fundamentalism (blue) and entrepreneurial (orange) perspective.  There is no known cure except moving from selfishness to selflessness, or jumping from the GWB onto the Circle Line (not recommended).  You have to time it just right.

Enters four of the most absurdly liberal (green) people on the planet.  The folks on The View are the perfect fodder for Fox News, and O’Reilly knows it.  He can come on this show and win political points by exposing what Ken Wilber terms the ‘shadow side of green’.  These women are not going to allow anyone to say bad things about anyone, even if those folks deserve to hang by their fingernails.  Flatland—in the Wilber sense, not the Friedman sense of the term—is the disease of viewing ‘all perspective as being equally valid’ and believing everybody gets a trophy.  And, boy, do these girls have a scorching case.  They’re a veritable pinhead heaven for the O’Reilly’s of the world.

The View hosts can barely acknowledge the existence of the truly dangerous factions within Islam.  Here’s where the Fox side of the argument has merit.  Let’s take this Muslim cleric over in Indonesia, Rusli Hasbi, for example.  He recently told the masses attending his morning prayer session, in the world’s most populous Muslim country, that whether or not Reverend Jones burned the Quran, he had already, “Hurt the heart of the Muslim world.” Awwwe.  Let me play the smallest AK-47 with my trigger finger.

He went on to say, “If he’d gone through with it, it would have been tantamount to war…a war that would have rallied Muslims all over the world.”

Let’s throw out mutual goals and mutual respect for a moment (hint: I think I already did with the AK-47 joke).  Many Muslims in the Middle East, Africa, and Indonesia are sickeningly intolerant, misogynistic, and violent (which must make Allah so proud).  Then, in the US of A, one fundamental moron crawls out of the woodwork—someone we have all identified as a fundamental moron—and if this one person does something stupid with one of your sacred texts, you will go to war with ALL of us.  Really?

Our country suffered the horrors of 9/11 and did not wage war on all of Islam.  We merely attempted to bring those responsible to justice by invading the wrong country.  An honest mistake…er, an honest and Oil Rich Mistake (known to the Ghetto Shaman as the sacred ORM).  But even Bush, fundamentalist extraordinaire, went out of his way to say this is a war against a radical few.  On a side note, conservatism is actually de-evolving since Bush—a thought that keeps me up at night.

Here’s the math: if one person from our side is almost as stupid as many of the radical dipshits in Dustville, you will try to kill us all? 

Come here so I can smack you on the back of your turban.  You are sooo going down, Rasbi.  You better watch your ass on Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day!  I believe the Ghetto Shaman has called for your belittling as well.

Suddenly, having a budget that consists of half the world’s defense spending seems to make sense.  This argument would be completely lost on the Viewsters. This is where O’Reilly can exploit them, time and time again.  As I have said, the Green Meanies answer is to “bake brownies for Al-Qaeda.” They also represent the ‘nice police’ ready for a Fairness Doctrine to determine what airs on the radio. Although, I must admit, it’s a tough choice:

My 1st Amendment rights versus having to listen to Rush Limbaugh. Hmmmm.  Let me get back to you.  I don’t like it when Fox makes a valid point, people, so, anyone with less brains than the Bard of Wasilla, please sit the fuck back down (hint: you’re not helping, Whoopi! Why don’t you channel Guinan for a minute, huh? Not only was she insightful, but she could pour a mean Romulan ale).

Unfortunately, we need to imprison or kill most of Al-Qaeda—not all, but most.  It’s a sad fact.  Some can and will move beyond tribalism and become more moderate, if we keep the neocons out of the White House, but many must be brought to justice.  I think a good example of hope is Ibrahim Ahmed Mahmoud al Qosi, also known as Bin Laden’s driver.  He chose to move beyond fundamental thought, but only because Bin Laden was such a lousy tipper. 

“Come on, al Qosi! The grenade launcher isn’t going to walk itself into the cave!” 

People like al Qosi will do more to end this global conflict than a million Dick Cheney’s.  Although, the sight of a million Dick Cheney’s on the battlefield would probably make even a Klingon shit his pants. 

Now, back to the “Fox on both your houses” theme; when I cheered on Ron Paul as he pointed out how the Foxeteer candidates were dangerously stupid back in ‘07…oh wait, that’s right, he’s cool again.  And Fox doesn’t see the inconsistency in championing someone they so recently scorned.  But they’re always right, on the flip or the flop.  They keep telling us this, 24/7, so it must be true.  And the beat goes on… 

Back to Ron Paul: I remember back in ‘07 when he said our own military occupation of the Muslim world was a big part of the problem.  Giuliani and the rest of the terminally-wrong-brigade responded thusly:

REP. RON PAUL, R-TEXAS, GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: They attack us because we’ve been over there, we’ve been bombing Iraq for 10 years. We’ve been in the Middle East. I think Reagan was right. We don’t understand the irrationality of Middle Eastern politics.

RUDY GIULIANI, GOP PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE: That’s an extraordinary statement of someone who lived through the attack of Sept. 11, that we invited the attack because we were attacking Iraq. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before and I’ve heard some pretty absurd explanations for Sept. 11.

(APPLAUSE)

The applause you heard were those “patriotic” pinheads, those fighting Foxeteers, those people who rebranded themselves as the Tea Party for the sole purpose, one can only assume, of trying to vote in the next Cleetus “the-slack-jawed” Neocon.  They are a group as oblivious now as they were then.  Giuliani’s city got its ass kicked and he didn’t even read the statement from the guy who did it?  None of them did!  Well, guess what?  Here’s the latest out of the University of Chicago:

Robert Pape out of the University of Chicago has conducted the most intensive study on suicide bombings.  He looked at 2,200 suicide bombing cases and can you guess his conclusion?  The most common root cause of suicide bombing is, yep, military occupation. It was an extraordinary statement, all right. Extraordinary but true.

As I’ve said before, the only thing dumber than a Democrat is a Republican.  How did we get this ridiculous?  It’s not like we’ve defunded education for the last couple of decades.  Oh, well… what party did that again?  Hmmmm. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, or, in this case, the brain pan.

So what would an integralist do if seated on that fateful View couch last week?  Jump up on the couch and profess his or her undying love for someone?  No, that’s Oprah.  He or she would probably plug The Daily Discord, of course, and their controversial Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day.  OK, maybe not.  But an integralist would not have been offended by O’Reilly’s bigotry; they would simply expose it as racism and continue to dissect that buffoon piece by pinheaded piece.  Now I don’t really believe all patriots are pinheads.  I would need to be functioning from an all-or-none perspective for that, but most of our patriots in the media these days certainly seem to fit the BillO. 

The Crank says I never offer any solutions, well, here’s one:  Pit Fox and Friends and The View hosts against one another in a steel cage death match and be done with it.  Each represents about the lamest aspects of the right and left…not counting our elected officials, of course.  Oh, and maybe we should all go out and egg them too on October 31st.  After all, Halloween isn’t just for radical Muslim’s anymore.

Petraeus Urges Discord to Halt Plans for Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day

General Petreaus

The Pentagon—General David Petraeus told the press today, “The Daily Discord is senseless and vile.”

When someone informed him of their plans to carry out Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day, the general had even less charitable comments for the controversial e-zine. 

“If the Discord goes through with their Halloween hijinx, it could endanger our troops in the field and undermine our mission in Afghanistan.  Bradley armored vehicles might be TPd and scores of improvised flaming pooh bags (IFPBs) might be strategically placed outside all of our bases’ gates.  A lot of people will be left with egg on their face. Images of sobbing, egg-covered Imams would undoubtedly be used by extremists as propaganda.  For lack of a better phrase, it would only egg them on,” said Petraeus.

“We aren’t stopping this time,” said CEO, Pierce Winslow.  “When we caved to pressure last time and failed to carry out Burn the Duran Day, a little part of the Discord died.  Besides, what better way to put those recalled Iowa eggs to some good use, eh?”

Discord Declares October 31st Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day

Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—Earlier today, CEO Pierce Winslow discussed with the press The Daily Discord’s plans to strike several radical Imams with raw eggs this Halloween.  His e-zine has come under considerable scrutiny lately for what some are calling “pathetic attempts at publicity.” After Winslow explained the intricacies of Operation Trick or Trick, the Ghetto Shaman stepped up to the podium and called for the belittling of Yemen’s Imam, Al->Awlaki.

He then recited a variation of Churchill’s speech, “We shall egg them on the beaches, we shall egg them in the pubs and in the bars, we shall never soufflender!”

No one laughed, however, as the Shaman grumbled off.

Other targets have been identified as, “That asshole calling for war with America if that other asshole burns the Koran, any Imams threatening bloggers or cartoonists, and that guy from Honesdale that keeps calling my wife.”

When asked about egging random Mosques, Winslow said, “Absolutely not!  This is an asshole-specific-event (ASE), and it must be limited to truly radical Imams, not controversial Imams.  Anyone on Fox News with an IQ could be deemed controversial.”

Winslow compared the upcoming activity to December 7th, when, to honor the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Discord gang eggs all the area’s Mitsubishi dealers.

“It’s part of our own Zero Zero Tolerance Law,” added Winslow with a wink.