Newt Gingrich is threatening Obama with impeachment due to the imminent constitutional crisis regarding his stance on gay marriage.  So let me get this straight (pardon the pun), secret police, secret prisons, torture, and lying the country into war are not impeachable offenses, but letting Bert and Ernie stop living a lie is?  The sooner Fox News merges with The Onion the sooner the world will start making sense to me. 

Hey Newt, why don’t you conduct an investigation on yourself instead?  You’ll find paranoia, greed, selfishness, and a host of other real American values.  Sometimes I think Newt is at the heart of the Neococoon, yet other times and on other issues he seems almost reasonable.  He waivers between slightly wrong and Oh my god, this fucker’s nuts.  Either he is placating the bat-shit base, or he embraces the stupid himself; neither are forgivable positions.  I rarely resort to name calling but in this case, why not?  He’s a creep in both his personal and his political life. And he’s a creep with a good shot at the presidency, but only because the field is soooo lousy.

So what is the Republicans case for impeachment?  Republicans feel strongly Obama should be removed from office.  What are they basing this on?  Is avoiding a depression an impeachable offense? Even the Crank has mentioned impeachment, so let’s Google the bitch.  One website posts the three recent arguments for impeachment.  The first we already covered, Bert and Ernie’s forbidden love.  OK, not interested, not impeachable, so moveon.org.   

The second “argument” comes from radio talk show host Tammy Bruce.  I could only read the first sentence from this riveting story.  Sorry, I have acid reflux.

Though I was unable to complete the first sentence in its entirety, I was captivated for the first six to ten words.  Here’s the first sentence as covered by Ben Johnson:

A nationally syndicated radio talk show host has called for Barack Obama to be impeached if he is secretly pushing Egypt to become an Islamist country ruled by the Muslim Brotherhood.

Listen, Tammy, I know behavioral health professionals who can diagnose and medicate your condition. 

Here’s the third and final “argument” from impeachObamaCampaign.com:

Since this third argument is so compelling, I covered the whole piece and added my own comments for fun:

Impeachment Dude: What if we elect a Republican House and Senate and they don’t challenge Barack Obama on every front?

Zano: So you’re challenging our recovery on every front…great.

Impeachment Dude: I see victory within reach…

Zano: …and hopefully Thorazine.

Impeachment Dude: I know the freshmen class of Republican House and Senate members in January will be freedom fighters!

Zano: Sounds a little Bert & Ernie to me.

Impeachment Dude: But what of the Republican leftovers?

Zano: Goulash?

Impeachment Dude: Will they stand in the way of a real revolution in Congress next year?

Zano:  Yes, a real revolution by real Americans, or as Mel Brooks calls them “the people of the land, the common clay of the new west…you know, morons.”

Impeachment Dude: (shortened for sanity’s sake) Dear Mr. Issa: This isn’t about “process.” It’s about the Constitution. It’s not just about Obama “misusing” authority. It’s about Obama exceeding his constitutional authority. Is there any doubt about that?

Zano: Examples would be swell.

Impeachment Dude: I heard this nonsense back during the Clinton administration, too. 

Zano: You mean, the guy who balanced the budget?

Impeachment Dude: But the abuse of power exercised by Obama makes the Clinton administration look like the George Washington administration by comparison.

Zano: In your deranged world view, sir, how did you manage to skip over Bush and Cheney’s expansion of executive power?  Two words: Fox News.

Impeachment Dude: The future of our nation is at stake. The survival of our nation is at stake.

Zano: Yep, now if only you knew why.

Impeachment Dude: This is no time for playing paddy-cake with Obama.

Zano: True, but is hopscotch out of the question?  All childhood games should be on the table!  Well, with the exception of hopscotch, which should be on the sidewalk.

Impeachment Dude: That’s not what the anticipated electoral revolution of 2010 is about.

Zano: Yeah, it’s about misinformation.

Impeachment Dude: It’s about time Republicans in Congress start thinking about the Constitution and returning the rule of law to America.

Zano: …an example is coming, I can feel it.

Impeachment Dude: We’re at a crossroads, and there is no margin for error.

Zano: No gun metaphor?  What’s wrong, little camper?  Besides, 2003 was the crossroads; we’re now more like in the traffic circle. Look, kids, Big Ben, Parliament!

Impeachment Dude: Obama must be challenged on every front – even if we don’t win every battle. It’s time to go on offense.

Zano: Battle, now that’s more like it.

Impeachment Dude: We won’t get a second chance this time.

Zano: Talk to your parole officer. I’m sure the community will embrace you if you pay your dues to society.

Impeachment Dude: Obama should be impeached!

Read the entire compelling argument without my commentary here.

Whew.  They build quite a case for impeachment.  Actually, as usual, they build quite a case for psychotropic medication.  Remember, these are the same people who support the Patriot Act because they’re so patriotic.   Much of this, I am guessing, is about the healthcare debate.  Oh, the horror.  How dare someone address the out of control healthcare costs for our 37^th ranked system.  I have a rather lengthy list of actual impeachable offenses for our last president—ones based on something we independent thinkers like to call “reality.”

In their defense, I really do think there are huge abuses going on but let’s not forget, for the most part, these were created by the last administration.  Just a hint of understanding on how we got here would be swell.  To summarize, if your “revolution” involves electing anyone else named Bush, you’ve missed ALL of the main points of the last decade. 

You know what scares me more than Obama?  Forty-percent of our society suffering from a diagnosable collective delusional disorder.  There are real reasons for a revolution, but how can we sift through this nonsense and get to matters of substance when the current debate has been hijacked by morons?  At this point, we can’t. 

Obama’s budget marks the first time our Prez has shown less insight than his political adversaries.  No easy trick.  His new budget reduction attempt is a joke.  I don’t believe the theory this is all part of Obama’s master plan.  This is Obama’s completely detached ‘let them eat cake’ moment.  Wait! Michelle won’t let us eat cake anymore;  damn.

Capitalism is sick. It’s devouring itself like an Ouroboro on meth.  Our country is unsustainable in its present form, but no one wants to hear that.  But sorry heartland peeps, there’s no global law guaranteeing American dominance and supremacy.  Hard decisions needed to be made to shift our economy toward a more eco friendly and sustainable one…back in the 70s!  Epic fail.  We chose the road we always choose, avoid the pain, and roll those dice one more time. Oh, and that strategy worked so well for me in Vegas last week.

 Yes, both D and R are responsible. Granted, when R is in charge, the slide is always more pronounced—always has been.  Speaking of the neococoon watch, how did they manage to turn Reagan into Lincoln in their spare time?  He’s the model Republicans want to follow?  The guy who created so much debt in eight years, he had to break Republican rule number one and raise taxes?  Reaganomics didn’t even work for Reagan, morons!  Yeah…I want some more of that magic.  You know why you won’t hear that on Fox News?  …If you really need me to answer that, it’s already too late.  Oh, and I have two words for you Sean Hannity: Iran Contra.  Oh, that’s right the truth doesn’t matter.  So, I guess Reagan is Lincoln and W. will be the next Kennedy. 

The Right clings to this delusional vision of some idyllic version of capitalism, set somewhere in the 50’s—a time when real America thrived.  You know, when we didn’t know how devastating our actions were to other cultures and to our own environment.  ¯Monday, Tuesday, Happy Days!  Wednesday, Thursday, Cap & Trade!¯  Sorry, had to work that in.  Did I ‘jump the shark’ with that one? 

If history is any judge, Democrats are not prepared to make the necessary budget cuts and Republicans are not likely to make the right ones.  I think at this point, there’s little hope of avoiding the toppling of the American dollar and the hyperinflation to follow.  I only gave my father financial advice twice in my life, the first was six months before the collapse in ‘08, and the second was last week.  The same message both times: international commodities, dude.  

I wonder if Obama knows what’s going to happen.  I got the sense when he came into office he had no idea the depth of this crisis.  Few people did.  Everyone suffers from what psychologists call the normalcy bias.  It can’t happen here, right?  This is America.  Besides, nonsensical positive feedback is inexplicably tied to a recovering stock market.  There’s nothing to see here, folks, so buy shit!

 Nothing is healthy about our system and little is healthy about our way of life.  I was talking to a family member after the ‘08 financial meltdown and, she said, “Stock markets go down, stock markets go back up.”  As it turned out, she was right…er, sort of.  But the bigger picture is a continued decline, and soon all the ponzi schemes in the world aren’t going to be able to put Humpty DOWty back together again.

I’ve always wanted the Right to pull their heads out of their arses, that has always been my message, but they just keep focusing on the shiny ball.  It’s a collective ADHD that impacts their credibility and their inability to focus on what really matters.  The world ends while they’re rambling on about so-called ground zero mosques, ACORN, and birth certificates—all the while our way of life slips into the abyss. If you are a Foxeteer, you might remember ACORN as the 3^rd biggest story of our time for many months.  I will use the evils of math here: if you were right about the dangers of ACORN, it was .00000001% of our problem, but, as it turns out, most of that .00000001% was bullshit. 

There’s a dysfunctional cycle on the right where the grassroots gets rightly fed up with various government abuses, the nation’s shaky fiscal footing, and other matters of substance… but then rather than supporting and embracing champions who are forcefully fighting those things, they get distracted by Andrew Breitbart style circus acts. As a result, the USA is at less risk than ever before of pimps being assisted by left-leaning nonprofits. What an achievement!

—Andrew Sullivan, the Daily Dish

Back to the budget: Republicans will take an axe to the budget, hurting real people and costing us more money in the long run.  Watch Arizona to see how well that strategy works out.  Meanwhile, Democrats will not use any axe, they will instead use a toothpick, even in the face of the dollar’s complete and utter collapse.   

AZ’s governor, Jan Brewer, has said things I can’t believe any adult would say.  Ok, I’m kidding myself, she’s a typical Republican.

She said, “Our emergency rooms will handle the overflow as we dismantle our behavioral health system,” or some such.

Anyone who works at a hospital, or has ever been to a hospital, would beg to differ.  The mentally ill she’s condemning will cost us more clogging up our hospitals and our jails.  Increased security measures cost money too, dipshit.  Yep, it’s hard to believe, but a surgeon’s time and a police officer’s time costs more than a case manager’s.   Shocking, I know…math again, terrible stuff.

Meanwhile, Obama said he had to make some “deep cuts” for his budget proposal.  Give me a break.   He won’t touch Medicaid/Medicare but he would love to get his hands on the defense budget, and the other side is the exact opposite.  You can find budget cuts everywhere—in every corner of Americana.  I will gladly review the money we can save on Medicare—yes, I’m funded by that.  Only cutting discretionary spending isn’t the answer, but gutting vital services won’t be the answer either. 

There are no heroes!  Pox on both your budgets! Can’t we find some Goldilocks who’s just right?  Speaking of which, Goldi…ahh, don’t email my yahoo account anymore. My wife checks that. 

Anyone ever heard of a third way? You know, the ones I’ve been suggesting on the Discord regularly?  Time to join the Transcosmetic Party, folks.  The rest of you are sounding increasingly ridiculous—no easy feat, considering where you started.

Sure, I live here in the good old U.S. of A.—you won’t find me anywhere else, at least until my parole ends—but my pride in my country is faltering.  Does this make me un-American? Let’s say America is your child and he or she just started knocking over liquor stores on weekends; isn’t it better parenting to confront that child rather than ignore the problem?  America is like our bouncing baby Lindsay Lohan.  She’s been out drinking all night and the checkbook’s missing again. 

So it’s time for another patriotard reality check.  Nationalism has its place, but not when it becomes a liability.  Liberals are always painted as un-American and there’s certainly some truth to this statement.  Although I don’t categorize myself as a liberal, I do feel the need to come to the aid of those less-than-enthusiastic citizens among us.  I think trying to hold this country to a higher standard is far more patriotic than the endless cover-ups over at The Weekly Standard.  It’s not un-American to simply point out the fact: hey, we’re really starting to suck.   I think Christine Aguilera can work that into our anthem; she may have already.

 What exactly is real America still so jazzed about?  Is it the vulturistic feeding frenzy that passes as good business these days?  I know, I know, you like capitalism so much you need to receive telemarketing calls 24/7, right?  I love spam on my computer, at home, at the office, on the street, on the frigging fax machine…I can’t get enough of the stuff.  Oh, and I sent that 25 bucks to that royal prince who couldn’t access his overseas account, and what did I get?  Bupkis!  Damned royal princes. 

So you like the ponzi scheme our economy has become over the last few decades?  “The only thing that works is a free market,” said the mogul to the moron.  Even Glenn where’s-my-Zyprexa Beck agrees our economy is a ponzi scheme.   Are you proud of the fact the dollar died in November of 2008 and our President, a reasonably intelligent person, either isn’t telling us the truth or hasn’t figured that out?  Are you proud of the last throes of the U.S. dollar?  A currency that has no actual value anymore in this dimensional plane of existence?  Wait until it’s no longer the world currency…that’ll be a hoot.

Do you like how much influence and power lawyers have these days?  How TORT reform is only addressed by those not in power?  Don’t worry, that next group’ll fix those legal eagles, fer sure.   

This is a fun fact: more people die of doctors than guns these days.  Oh, I know what you’re so proud of: the fact the U.S. is 21^st in literacy, and dropping…or how about 29^th in infant mortality?  And how did the WHO manage to rank the #1 healthcare system in the world 37^th? What does Roger Daltry know about medicine anyhow?  He just hopes he dies before he ge-ge-ge-gets old.

How about this gem: our species is designed to improve upon itself, yet, for the first time, America has actually become dumber in recent years, despite this evolutionary impulse.  Did you swell with pride reading that one?  Something swelled for me too, but it might just be because I’m writing this post in a vegan joint and I’m the only dude here.  Humanahumana-hummus.

Do you love a country that insists on John McCain’s tax cuts so he can buy his ninth house while his state attempts to cut off half its Medicaid recipients?  Build that fence high, John.  Not the one on the border, the one around your house. 

Are you proud of the fact that 40% of our population is still ready and willing to vote-in a person so grossly under qualified, she should not even head a PTA meeting, let alone a country?  Yeah, I’m talking to you, Snooki.

Or are you more proud of the fact we can’t trust the vast majority of our lawyers, our bankers, our brokers, our politicians?  You know what I think it is? It’s the complete illegitimacy of our media, that’s it!  Facts aren’t really facts anymore, data can be bent to absurdity, and nothing is even mentioned unless it supports some ideology or another.  I should start a blog.  I can prove anything now!  Comedian Jon Stewart was recently ranked the most trusted journalist on the left and, I’m sure the right will find someone equally trustworthy, someday.   Dennis Miller? 

Are you proud of the fact that the only group who covers up more rapes than our armed forces is our churches? Are you proud of our reality television personalities?  Are you proud of the fact Gerber products contain high amounts of high fructose corn syrup?  Largest waistlines in the world?  How did that happen?  Hmmm.

Are you proud that pharmaceutical research is geared toward endless symptom relief, not any genuine cures?  Are you proud of 100 years of psychotherapy and the world keeps getting sicker?  Yep, my field sucks too, but probably not as much as yours.

Are you proud that we’re not willing to change our lifestyles to save our environment (hint: it’s going to change drastically anyway).  And, yes, you can take that both ways: economy and environment.

Or is it that we dismantled the Bill of Rights and chose to embrace torture to defend our “principles”? On a related note, are you proud that our former president can’t travel abroad because he’s deemed a war criminal?  Oh, you can omit deemed, he’s an f-ing war criminal.

Are you proud that our way of life is subsidized by the continued exploitation of third world countries?

I tease America out of love.  There is lot of good in America, despite America…but sorry, those paying attention can see just how bad things have gotten in the last decade.  In fact, I was pointing it out long before most of my colleagues, who seem to have all the answers now.  Does this make me un-American?  I always mention 2003, that was really the beginning of the end for America.  You’ll never see what the Iraq War cost us on any graph over in the Fox lands.  It’s been effectively erased from all graphs and pie charts.  I felt pretty darn un-American for protesting on Shock & Awe day.  I had never been jeered at and had things hurled at me out of car windows before—well, not sober. 

And I have to say, I understand Michelle Obama’s “First time I was proud of America” moment a lot more than I understand Rumsfeld saying yesterday on Fox “I don’t think America has anything to apologize for.”  You don’t remember Abu Ghraib, Sunshine?  I think I’m sorry…for you.  Likewise, I feel Michael Moore’s somewhat exaggerated attack on capitalism is closer to the mark than the Fox Business News version.   And, yes, I’ll take the Colbert Nation over Hannity’s America every time.  Does that make me a liberal?  Sorry, I think that makes me observant.