News & Politics

News & Politics

The Debate We Should Be Having: Why My “No Foxeeter Left Behind Program” Is Failing

Mick Zano

Egotistical, moi? When my country is dying, sorry, I’m allowed to be a little miffed. Frankly, I’m reaaaallly miffed! Some things we are both angry about, but too much of your outrage is directed at things either blown out of proportion, or likely to be disproven a year from now. But that’s OK, because by then you’ll be reacting to a whole new batch of false assumptions.

Fox is never having to think about your last post. The ‘selective outrage’ machine will find some other rapper at the White House or community organizer gone awry to bitch about. But…the other 10% of your outrage is correct and needs to be addressed. There’s important stuff in there…somewhere. But we can’t ever seem to find it through this ‘Are You Smarter than a Fox News Anchor’ approach to journalism.

I know…I’m the problem, not to be trusted. People who see through the matrix have no business addressing the necococoon at all anymore. But here’s the rub, dumb are getting dumber (R) and dumbest (the Tea Party) are becoming the loudest. And as for the just plain dumb (D), the only ones policing them would be better served in a tree somewhere flinging feces at one another. Fox & Feces? Hmmm.

Here’s a brief integral approach to two of today’s issues:

Deficits: The right should be saying:

“OK, we’ll let you raise the debt limit (because the dollar’s collapse benefits no one) but only if you agree to these stipulations about spending cuts over the long term.”

These need to be sane cuts, however. Oh, and if the right gets their way and does block the debt ceiling hike, it’s double dip time. Their own all-or-none thinking may well bring this about. Example: debt didn’t matter, at all, until…er, when was Obama’s inauguration? In this case, none-or-all thinking

Energy/Oil: Now for the left. The alternative energy debate should have started post-Carter, but greed and super-capitalism have a way of derailing anything healthy and good in the world. This is truly pathetic amidst a mass extinction. I‘m talking about the right’s brain cells…what did you think I was talking about? The left should be saying:

“Sure, you can get some of your oil shale permits and permission for new drilling locations, but only as part of a true transitional period to alternative green energies.”

The current Republican plan is to keep the status quo until the shit hits the fan belt; great plan. Neither the left nor the right will budge on this, hastening our demise. Obama needs to be tougher on this issue. The clock is ticking. And as for green energy, how the right has demonized our country’s ONLY route for survival is another testament to both their short sightedness and their propagandic abilities, kudos. You have convinced 40% of our country (in 2011) the only way to proceed is the big three: oil, coal, and nuclear. Oh, on a related note, I did my thesis on clean coal…and unicorn migrations.

Unfortunately, this Discord post project has mired us in debates we should no longer be having. I still believe Sanjaya! Look, here’s the problem, Crankster: your posts always sound well researched and the arguments are sometimes even compelling, but, at the end of the day, perhaps a year from now, we’ll discover most of your assumptions were inaccurate (hint: recently ACORN was absolved of any wrongdoing in a court of law. How many posts was that again?). Not that it mattered. Even if they were as guilty as sin, it still should have been a one and done story. But Fox News, the heart of the misinformation, made it one of the non-issues of the year. Whoo hoo!

The following is a breakdown of your average 10 Fox commentaries:

6 stories: They are pushing an ideology that is dead wrong most. They had a point, somewhere back in the fifties, but have since jumped the shark–at least that’s been their track record over the last decade. Recent example: this week Neil Cavuto defended poor old Chevron again…those poor misunderstood oil companies, all the while hitting the SPA…socialism paranoia agenda. They are always reminding us about our socialist future, when today, right now, twelve people own nearly all of the country’s wealth. What a feat! Paid for by those same twelve people.

3 stories: An average of 3 of 10 are simply “selective outrage” moments, where they choose to be really angry about something completely inane. These generally fall into three major categories:

A.) Stories that hold no interest to me (the mosque debate, birther shit, rapper with bad lyrics invited to White House, yada, yada).

B.) Problems that were actually created by Republican ideologues, but now are suddenly unacceptable under Obama (Secret Service monitoring Fox News!, czar appointments, and deficits that seem to only exist under Democrats).

C.) Simply lies (torture techniques helped capture bin Laden, Bush captured bin Laden, Obama’s a Muslim, etc).

Notice you don’t have to look back too far for the bullshit. Most of those are from this week. Meanwhile, the Crank, had two years to list the atrocities of the lame stream media and has named about as many as covered on this week’s Fox & Frauds. What’s curious is not only their ‘selective outrage’ but their ‘selective memory.’

1 story: Here’s the rub, Fox News is right for about 1 in 10 of their features. This spritzer—this glistening effervescent drizzle of actual reporting—is the gas that feeds those Crank features for months. It gives them that hint of legitimacy. Let’s take immigration reform. I agree with the Crank that we need comprehensive immigration reform and that Obama’s handling of this issue has sucked. But Obama can laugh at anything the right says, because they’ve delegitimized themselves long ago. For a healthy debate, we need a healthy right and a healthy left and today we have anything but.

Here’s my appraisal of the last four Fox News moments:

Story 1: who cares?

Story 2: who cares & has since been disproven in a court of law.

Story 3: wrong!

Story 4: Really?? Sure they don’t want to legalize pot, they must be keeping it all for themselves.

The Crank focuses on dumb and I focus on dumber. I focus on dumber because I think dumber has destroyed us. Sure dumb hasn’t helped, but the sheer list of atrocities for dumber is damning. Oh, and I can’t wait until dumbest takes control. That’ll be real swell. Did you know that dumber is in on the whole getting dumbest elected thing…are they dumbing down?

I would like to get on the same page with the Crank so we can focus on what’s going wrong, right now, but it’s hard to get past the Fox approach. It’s hard to watch their network and keep down your lunch. And at the end of the day, most stories on the right tend to be doctored, irrelevant, or fabricated. Fox News is a delicate blend of misinformation and propaganda, steeped to perfection in bullshit. Sorry, but that’s our job. Granted, they’re effective. They have convinced 40% of our country of a whole host of nonsense.

To briefly address your points from the last post, Mr.Crank:

Sorry, we are two countries now, but to call Obama the divider-in-chief is hysterical. Luckily this is a comedy site. Karl Rove ran Bush’s campaign on a polarization theme, divide and conquer, because he knew it was the only possible way to get someone as dumb as W re-elected. And we have yet to recover. As for Fareed Zakaria advising the president, he’s one of the few integral thinkers out there. The fact Obama has identified him as such is awesome. You say scary and I say whoo! hoo!…progress. Remember how safe you felt under Bush? It’s kind of like that. See my related article.

As for Reid & Pelosi’s shenanigans, you mean to tell me a politician has used his or her influence to help their own districts! Preposterous! I’m not defending it, but it’s been that way since General Washington galloped into office. This is yet another example of Stewart’s selective outrage. Where’s your vent about Republicans pulling that shit? I guarantee there’s more material on your side of the aisle. In fact, I think you’re stepping in some.

Clearly some of your valid rants involve the recent expansion of executive powers. What you fail to realize is, these were all created under Bush. I took note of them and complained about them when they were spawned (hint: when it might have mattered). But don’t worry, they will magically disappear again under the Romney Administration, with the aid of some Fox News pixy dust. Why have a Constitution at all, when all you need is a Sean Hannity telling you just how patriotic you are for gutting it? Example, you never complained when Cheney downloaded all of Google after 9/11 to spy on his political adversaries—er, I mean, to keep us safe—but the Secret Service is now monitoring Fox News? Oh the horror!

Remember what our old VP said, “You’ll thank me someday, Barack, for expanding executive powers.”

Let’s all take this moment to say thank you, Mr. Cheney and move on.org. This stuff isn’t news anymore and I doubt those checks and balances are coming back. We had a chance to say ‘no’ to such things back in 2004, but epic fail. Besides, one false Tweet does not a conspiracy make. If the Secret Service is watching Fox News, what we should be worried about as taxpayers is the hardship, the severance pay, and the increased healthcare cost for those subjected.

How about we review a post or two from a couple of years ago, and then compare notes, eh? Or better yet, let’s take the leading issues of our time and see who stands where on what issues. That should be very revealing…well, not to me. Meanwhile, I will try to identify the relevant points you’re making. Er, I may need to hire a staff, Winslow.

Look, I don’t want to focus on the sickest part of this tree called the United States, but that’s sadly what I’ve done. And, yes, I’ve done this using a less than integral approach and for that I am sorry. But, if you continue to rally around the dumbest, no one is going to beat Obama in 2012—even if he turns out to be the worst of the worst! But, I suppose if you keep defending education at this rate… Hmmmm.

Regardless, we need to move the debate to where it should be. I don’t want to play this ‘No Foxeteer Left Behind’ shit anymore. Sorry, but it’s time to report to the emotional support class down the hall. And would the rest of the class please turn to the Chapter marked Alternative Energy.

Dateline: Saturday May 21st 6:00PM: World Ends

The Crank

Oh how I do wish it had come true. After much deep contemplation I have come to this realization—a realization aided by many pulled pork samichiz, Twinkies and Cokes. It is hard work, but someone other than Mikko has to do it. He cannot be trusted. I used to think that people whose opinions differed from mine were smart, caring people whose opinions just differed from mine. Then I started reading Mick Zano columns.

Most liberal/progressives are just mean-spirited, egotistical, closed minded, ‘do-what-I-say-not-what-I-do’, ‘we know better than you for we are educated’, nice people. I’m sorry, I tried for years to see the world through rose colored cataracts, but it was for naught. For years I have been told by people whom I looked up to, that “my side” lied all the time, and cared not for anyone. Well, not so much. I have seen more lies coming from the far left than anything the equally idiotic ‘Rush/Beck’ has offered.  We now see YouTube ads put out by the DNC that show granny literally being ‘thrown over a cliff’ by an evil Republican. For people who either have not read Paul Ryan’s plan and assume it must be bad (it was written by a Repub, after all), or cannot read at all (might be the case). If you are an informed middle-of-the-road type, you will see that the end can’t come fast enough. Maybe I had better lose some weight, for if “The Rapture” is coming, I may not float all the way up, and end up seated next to Mikko, who The Lord must see as a nice guy gone horribly wrong, currently housed in the “well, I’ll figure out what to do with this asshole later” section.

Our ‘Divider-In-Chief’ has now produced an atmosphere of poison making that of Venus seem breathable. In a speech he called “a statement on Immigration” he immediately goes off on Repubs, making fun of real border issues, joking about something he knows is not true. I swear, as I watched the thing, I saw illegals dropping from the wall he was stationed in front of. I’m sure he isn’t going to get much ‘by partisan support’ for anything. It was a campaign speech. It’s what he does. He never really ‘led’ our country, he just wasted time ‘til he could campaign again.

You have whole states (Nevada) getting a waiver for Obamacare. Nevada, you know, where Senate Leader Harry (the crypt keeper) Reid is from? The guy who railroaded the bill through the Senate, yeah, HIS STATE. You have Obama issuing waivers to AARP! You know, the ones that lobbied heavily for its passage, yeah them. You have Nancy (Botox) Pelosi handing out waivers in her hometown like free candy to all her favorite hang outs, .20 percent of all waiver handed out in April—in the whole friggin country—were to high end businesses in her district. The district that now wants to make circumcision illegal. Yeah, THAT district.

You have the Federal Labor Board taking Boeing Aircraft to court for starting an assembly plant in a Right To Work state. They now want to tell businesses: it’s OK if you go to China, just don’t even think about non union in the good ‘ol USA.

I have my eyes closed and my palms raised to Heaven, awaiting the Second Coming.  Light as a feather, stiff as a board.  Light as a feather, stiff as a board…

It’s official, you now cannot question any of Obama’s ideas without the race card being pulled from the sleeve of defenseless Democrats. It’s actually racist to do such a thing, but I must be the only person ON EARTH to see it that way. Maybe if I start to jump up and down, I can hasten the ‘Rapture’ thing.

Let me put the Coke…maybe that will help.

You have a family in Missouri that sells pretty little bunnies to its friend and neighbors, facing a 4 MILLION DOLLAR FINE for selling more than $500.00 worth in one year without the necessary permits. Things are so bad, even The Donald had people actually interested in him as a Presidential candidate. You have a President of the United States throwing our only Mideast friend, Israel, under the wheels of ‘Cadillac One’ the Pres’s main ride.

The Democrats in Congress have yet to forward a budget—now two years late! The last official budget the Democrats brought up for ‘mark-up’ was in 2009.  Yeah, lets all vote for them again. Let’s see that fact in some of the DNC’s ads.

Maybe if I am on a plane, flying somewhere, when the Rapture happens it’ll hasten the process.  I will email Stephen Hawking on this…

You have what is being called The Arab Spring. The awakening of the Mideast to Democracy? No, not at all. It’s the Muslim Majority getting to power so they can kill Christians and Jews alike, without being “oppressed” by a “totalitarian regime” that has , up till recently in Egypt’s Mubarak’s case, kept Christians and Jews alive. Every time I read of a Middle Eastern Catholic Church invaded and many Christians killed, I wait for the Main Stream Media to rise up in horror at the story. I’m still waiting…but we can’t upset the Muslims. Even when the radicalized versions want us all dead. Yeah, them.

You have the American Republican favorite choice for President, wanting no part of running. You know it’s near the end when the light at the end of the tunnel, figuratively (and literally to New Yorkers), is in New Jersey!!

You have the Secret Service admitting to monitoring Fox News. You have the President actually pressuring media to be helpful in his re-election, leaving anti-Obama news media out in the cold at pressers. You have a friggin news man at CNN, Fareed Zakaria, admitting to advising Obama on his Foreign policy (scary) and still reading the news without telling watchers that he may have a hand in MAKING said news.

Finally, you have the First Lady, bad wig and all, telling me I can’t eat what I want. If I do, I may be heavily taxed in the future? Really? Where in the Constit…oh yeah, you don’t really care do ya?

YOU WILL PRY MY TWINKIES FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!

 Right after you turn off the Ventilator.  Oh Lord, I think I see the light. Please take me from this land of heathens and idiots. I call to you to save me. What’s that? Oh, that wasn’t nothing, I was young and stupid. Wait, you can’t mean that one small, what? Ok many small, what? Ok many not so small…I’m not floating, is that a problem? Oh shit. Oh, hey Mik, long time no see……

Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday

Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday

Gettysburg, PA—Iris Kleinmind is undaunted by the release of Obama’s full birth certificate.  Despite the latest proof, she plans to continue her Birther Meetup group at the Lincoln Diner on Saturday nights at 6:00 PM.  Mrs. Kleinmind’s social group started as a Tea Party Meetup, until they realized taxes were the lowest they’ve been in decades.  Glenn Beck then inspired the ladies to start a George Soros is Hitler Meetup group.

“But then we stopped understanding Mr. Beck, with or without our medications,” said Kleinmind, “so we went with a Kenya Boy was Raised in a Madrasah Meetup, which fizzled out quickly, I’m afraid.”

Kleinmind went on to say her Shutdown ACORN! Meetup was her personal favorite.

“When ACORN was finally shutdown we cheered and cheered….well, until NYC prosecutors cleared them of all criminal wrongdoing because the tapes were doctored.” 

When asked about her longest and shortest Meetup groups, she said, “The Death Panel Meetup group had a nice run, until we made the mistake of actually reading the House bill.  We never should have done that.  And the shortest was our Shirley Sherrod Sucks Meetup group, which only lasted until they released the rest of her speech the next day.”

A series of social Meetup blunders has left Kleinmind’s group more determined than ever.  She still believes, “The truther is out there!”  And, whereas she is saddened how Osama bin Laden’s death ended her Obama’s Soft on Terror Meetup, she is happy to announce her next idea: Obama Hates Israel our Closest Ally Meetup group.

“This one is a sure thing!” said Kleinmind.

The Economy: $ome Ea$y $olution$ that Can’t Po$$ibly Work

Mick Zano

I hate economics.  If we weren’t about to go tits up, I would much rather be posting something about Why I Hate Light Beer, which I do by the way, but here we are…  The Republicans’ answers for our economic woes are not going to happen, or won’t work anyway.  I don’t know what they’re smoking, but it’s certainly better than the shit the Ghetto Shaman scores me.

I know, I know, it’s painful when reality intrudes on ideology.  I should issue a warning before my posts.  I love Bill Maher’s line last week, when he warned Fox viewers to turn down the sound until the flashing FACTS sign stops blinking at the bottom of their televisions. On that note, here are some FACTS:

“The Republicans have spent the past 30 years creating deficits and the Democrats have spent the past 30 years closing them. The unimportance of deficits became an article of faith during the second Bush Administration: “Reagan proved that deficits don’t matter,” Dick Cheney famously said. It has been rather hilarious for those of us with even a minimal grasp of recent history to watch these folks pull fierce 180-degree turns on the issue–and it is even more hilarious to watch them accuse Obama of hyper-partisanship after the dump-truck full of garbage they visited upon his head these past few years,”

–Joe Klein

Meanwhile, Jon Stewart—yes, we must resort to comedians for our truth these days—recently showed how expiring the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy had about the same impact on the deficit as Paul Ryan’s plan.  Instead of asking for Bill Gates to fork over an extra percent for Bush’s fiscal fornication, they want to gut critical care and invade Syria.  They are using this crisis, a crisis they predominately caused, to push an agenda even Scrooge would not approve of (the Scrooge from the beginning of the movie, not at the end, wise ass).  And where do they think these people will go? Is the problem solved?  No, they will make a mess, clog our hospitals and jails and cost us more, not less, money. 

Even though my paycheck is primarily funded by Medicaid, I’m OK with responsible cuts across the board.  At the end of the day it’s about priorities and the right doesn’t have any—except preserving their own greedy hides, of course.  By the way, my behavioral health company is down about 26% over the last 3 years.  Defense cuts?  Hmmm. I’m going to guess somewhere around 0% thus far.  On a related note, Ron Paul had an integral moment recently:

“Instead of the left agreeing to cut social spending and the right agreeing to cut military spending, the right agrees to more welfare and the left agrees to more warfare. In spite of all the rhetoric, we will go deeper in debt, the Fed will print more money, and the value of the dollar will continue to plummet.” 

–Ron Paul (http://www.infowars.com/the-nanny-state-cant-last)

This is why I quoted him a lot back in 2003, when “fiscal conservatives” were marginalizing him.

Here’s the main Republican fail (I know, on any given subject, it’s hard to limit it to just one, but here it goes): on the brink of a depression, borrowing money from China to give another gazillion dollar tax break to the next yet-to-be-jailed Bernie Madoffs of the world is not likely to get you a job cleaning out one of their pools anytime soon.  AKA, don’t invest in the pool skimmer just yet, Cleetus.  I’m only saying this because jobs have never been created during a period when taxes remained this low for the super rich, ever. 

But this time’s going to be different! 

Yeah, 1939 different…

We don’t have just a spending issue, we also have a revenue issue and a huge frigging debt that can’t be ignored or made up for by closing ACORN.  Anyone credible knows we need some type of percentage of tax hikes and spending cuts.  AKA, next to no one on the right is credible.

Remember I said to watch England

England diced things up thusly, 80/20 (80% via spending cuts, 20% by tax hikes—all over the long haul). Well, it’s not working out too well, is it?  Their recovery is much slower than expected …following the Tories’ (Republicans) “cut everything to shit plan” hasn’t worked.  And, let’s face it, those Republicans are much smarter than their U.S. counterparts (not much of a trick, really).

England is faltering right on cue so Fox assumes, “80% spending cuts just isn’t enough!” or “They weren’t serious enough about spedning cuts!” or some other nonsense.  Oh, and how many times have you heard these “fiscal conservatives” say everything should be on the table?  I have called for some 60/40 type thing that would raise taxes for the rich and would cut things equitably and responsibly across the board.  AKA, you don’t just say everything’s on the table as you drop the toaster into Medicare’s bathtub.  Saving Ryan’s privates? 

Getting the right’s delusional worldview to match history must be a constant struggle, but what amazes me is their rhetoric doesn’t even match their own policies. I know this much, we have next to no chance of avoiding the next dip, but the Republican plan will always be the darker choice; it will always hasten our demise.  More money for the C. Montgomery Burnses of the world and soup lines for everyone else.  You know, socialism.  And the only reason I’m saying Trickle Down Voodoo Reagonomics (TDVR) doesn’t work is because, thus far it never has.  Soooo, over the years my own predictions have been much more accurate and my own policies (like supporting Ron Paul to some degree) have been much more fiscally conservative, so I ask the Foxeteers again, what is your point?  on anything? 

Maybe you’re thinking you’re waaaaaaaaaaaaay overdue to be right about something.  Great plan….or Great Depression.  What about the hard line approach taken way back in 1940?  The spending cuts and belt tightening in the years following the market crash plunged our country into a prolonged four-year depression.  What about that history stuff?

When you read some of this, do you just keep thinking about baseball?  How does your collective mind shift back to some Fox News talking point?  Is it subliminal messages?  Is it some form of Greta Van Semaphore?  Bill Hemmerer pigeons?  Shep signals?  I’m being told to stop…

The right has done nothing except attack liberal radio, homeless Veteran’s benefits, planned parenthood, and a host of other non-profit community organizations that amount to .0000001 of the problem (hint: that’s a small number, much like your viable nominees). And the punch line is, you still think that makes sense! Actually, I don’t think those organizations are even part of problem. YOU, and your voting records are part of the problem.  Oh, and if you pile all of your Obama “scandals” end to end, they would reach all the way to Danny Devito’s shin.  I remember covering real scandals during the Bush years.  I still remember them, in fact, I’m still living them.  And what the right is actually right about these days is so buried in bullshit, we may never find it, and that’s the real tragedy.  

“Even though we have historically low income tax rates for high-earning individuals, even though revenues have collapsed in the recession, even though we have empirically discovered that big tax cuts have not generated more economic growth, the GOP still insists on reforming taxes not to raise revenue but to reduce it. This is where the whole thing gets surreal. The very Laffer untruth that sank America into debt in the early 1990s is one still being peddled against all the relevant evidence to guide us through the next few decades. In my view, if we maintain that ideological fantasy, the US will become a banana republic in short order.”

Andrew Sullivan

Andrew Sullivan is wrong…we are already there.  When they write the epitaph for America, and someone takes us point for point where we went wrong, it will predominantly be a list of Fox News talking points.  Sadly, that will never be a Fox News talking point.

Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences

Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences

Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, “Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay.”  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

“This is not a joking matter,” said Debra Horner. “My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter.”

Most stories didn’t have such a “happy ending.” Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

“He either died very happy or in sheer terror,” said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. “I’m sure it’s one of the two.”

“Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before,” said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, “or this would have been much, much worse.”

Giants Awarded Minority Status as Pants Impaired

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Washington, DC-It’s one giant step for pituitary problems as the Supreme Court agreed giant people are now deemed the Pants Impaired minority.   Success hasn’t been easy for this group as Congress recently rejected their Plane Seat Impaired minority status as well as their Doorway Disabled claim.  

“These damned hobbit designers want to carve the world into their own image no matter who they hurt along the way. My head is a phrenologist’s dream!” said one tall, bumpy-headed person.  “And Kevin Smith couldn’t get on a plane until he lost weight…what do you want me to do? Gnaw off my own feet at the shins?”

An advocacy group, Giants Against Stereotyping (GAS), has been fighting for giants’ rights ever since Zeus cast them out of Olympus.

The president of GAS had this to say, “You don’t know the horrors of ordering special pants! We certainly deserve a tax break for the hardship, the extra cost, and the endless basketball jokes.”

A very tall person indeed had this to say: “We’re not monsters, Yeti, Sasquatch, or anything else you damned puny, midget-dwarf Halfling sons-o-bitches want to call us!  And, yes, we find the New York football team and the San Francisco baseball team offensive. “

“It is hoped the new legislation will shut these freaks up for a while,” said an average sized congressman from the Midwest.

Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon

Bin Laden Spent Final Hours Watching Baywatch Marathon

Abbottabad, PK—In conjunction with Pakistani authorities, the U.S. Government has now released the details of the final hours of Osama Bin Laden’s life.   The Al-Qaeda leader, loving father and husband, spent his last 36 hours on this planet watching a Baywatch marathon on Pakistan’s popular Channel Two. 

Reports from Navy SEAL commandos are conflicting, however, bringing further shame to the Obama Administration.   One commando reports Bin Laden was watching episode 52, Princess of Tides, while a second thought it was the popular season five finale, Wet n’ Wild.

One SEAL was only able to report, “He was watching a TV show, somethin’ about lifeguards or somethin’.”

That commando has since been relieved of his duties. 

Local Pakistanis report strange activities at the compound, which usually heightened to a fevered pitch around 8:00 PM Abbottabad time, precisely when Baywatch airs.

“He loved Baywatch and he loved David Hasselhoff most of all,” said wife number four.  “But not in a gay kind of way.”

Trapped in a compound with only six channels was not always easy for the Bin Ladens.  Osama felt Baywatch episodes were a little respite from all the death in his life.  After planning some sinister jihadist suicide bombing, or a terror plot against the unholy infidels, Bin Laden liked to kickback with some Cheetos—intelligence suggests he preferred the crunchy variety to the puffy kind—and then he hit those golden TV-Land beaches.  Reports suggest Bin Laden kept close tabs on Hasselhoff as to avoid “blowing him into tiny infidel pieces.”  Interviews with locals suggest that just as U.S. forces raided the compound, Bin Laden was completely engrossed in the all day marathon, thus sealing his fate (pardon the pun).

Conflicting reports by commandos regarding the type of Cheetos has also shamed the Obama Administration. 

ACLU Condemns Ocean’s Treatment of Bin Laden’s Body

ACLU Condemns Ocean’s Treatment of Bin Laden’s Body

The Ocean— Somewhere deep in the North Arabian Sea, a couple of sharks have left their mark and hundreds of smaller fish are relentlessly nibbling at the Arab warrior’s flesh.  Bin Laden’s big nose is host to several lampreys; there are amphipods working on his brain; and we don’t even want to tell you what some damnable hermit crabs are doing.  The ACLU is demanding that the marine life identified in an undersea video yesterday—which included two sharks, the 312 grouper, 79 blue-hake, and those damnable hermit crabs—must all be brought to justice.

“They are clearly violating his rights,” said Susan Herman, president of the ACLU.  “What is the deal with the ocean anyway?  It’s like a zoo, like an aquatic F–ing zoo!  These sea scavengers have no right to eat humans, even ones of questionable character.”

When asked about other decomposing forces, Herman said, “I’m glad you brought that up to the surface.  We shouldn’t let zoo or phytoplankton off the hook so easily.  There’s no reason for their voracious appetites, their senseless microscopic munching, and their newly acquired taste for human flesh.  But, first things first, we need to bring these larger fish to justice!  Doing that will send ripples throughout the marine ecosystem!”

Several squid had their beaks full and were unavailable for comment.

Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope

Alternate Royal Wedding Plans, Code Name: Operation Vegas Elope

London, UK—The Royal Family is denying allegations the backup plan for the happy couple’s big day involved a Las Vegas chapel wedding.  A WikiLeaks document reveals the alternative ceremony involved an Elvis impersonator performing the nuptials, and the entertainment included two members from the Blue Man Group, Penn, of Penn and Teller fame, as well as the tiger that ate Roy. 

The top secret document reveals a list of pros and cons to holding the wedding covertly in Vegas without media coverage.  Some of the pros included: Item 27: save enough cash to send 20,000 of our citizens to college, Item 35: If Prince Harry drops his pants, less of an audience, Item 56: That Cuban sandwich place north of the Stratosphere.  Item 112: the money saved on security alone would be enough to send the entire Royal Family into space on one of Richard Branson’s new spaceships.  Under the cons column were nearly as many entries: Item 12: parking is a bitch, Item 161: the shilling would not work in a massage bed, and Item 30: the next morning Prince Harry might be married to one of the Blue Man Group.

Less security was also a plus as Prince William would have been disguised as Hunter S. Thompson and Kate Middleton planned to dress as Snooki.  The overnight accommodations were at the luxurious Vegas Chalet Motel.  The motel “package” came complete with the aforementioned coin operated massaging beds and a complimentary mojito at nearby Frankies Tiki Room (a favorite destination of “Vegas Great” Bald Tony).

“The mojito almost won the day,” admitted Queen Elizabeth.  “I mean, we never considered Vegas.”

Frankies Tiki Room

The Discord Exclusive Sean Hannity/Mick Zano Interview!

Mick Zano

Mick Zano: Welcome, Sean.  Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today.  As most of you know, Sean Hannity is one of the biggest names on Fox News and, therefore, one of the biggest names on cable television.  You are, by far, the biggest interview I have ever landed in my quasi-journalistic life, so again, thanks.  May I kiss your rings?

Sean Hannity:  Small talk.  Blah, blah, blah [Mick’s request to kiss his rings, denied]

Mick Zano: As a self proclaimed patriotic American, will you apologize to the American people for playing such a key role in getting Bush re-elected—a man arguably the worst president in our nation’s history?

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point!  Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano:I will ‘get over it’, sir, if and when America rebounds.  Why stop blaming Bush, especially if we, as a country, never recover—which has been my position and my prediction all along?

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano: Ahh, Obama’s spending…riiight.  What do you say then to the actual numbers that suggest over the last few decades republicans were deficit creators and pre-Obama democrats were actually deficit reducers?

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: OK, Obama’s spending…what about the almost unanimous agreement within the economic community Obama’s deficit spending was a desperate reaction to avoid the Bush depression?

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah. Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: Actually the problem is too deep to be resolved by just spending cuts or just tax hikes.  Cutting things equitably and responsibly across the board and letting the Bush tax cuts expire for the rich could do the trick. 

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point [with added gesticulation].

Mick Zano: No, I don’t think a return to 90s level tax cuts should not scare anyone.  You need to come to terms with the facts.  Before Clinton, hell, even Reagan had to raise taxes.

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point!!!!!

Mick Zano: Do you need some water?  Look, no matter how many times you lie about this, sorry, he raised taxes.  Reaganomics didn’t even work for Reagan so how you deified this bozo is another interesting side show (or was it Bonzo?).   Look, let’s agree to disagree on this one. How about socialism?  How do you still say that word to your viewers with a straight face?

Sean Hannity:  ?????

Mick Zano: Well, you’ve made socialism the boogeyman for the ill-informed (aka your viewers) for quite some time.  We currently have wage-inequality in the U.S. on par with Mexico or Venezuela.  So today, right now, we have the complete opposite of socialism, so how do you convince essentially half of America Obama’s a full-fledged and successful socialist?  Boogey, boogey, boogey!

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point!  Blah, blah, blah!

Mick Zano: Let me address your second statement first, I call your viewers ill-informed primarily due to a decade of self observation.  It boils down to this, when questioned, it’s their almost single-minded Borg-like ability to spout only Fox News talking points I find most disturbing.  If that’s not enough, I could also cite the recent Maryland study that named Fox viewers as the most misinformed media faction in America.   As for your first point, I don’t think that statement has any bearing in the real world.  You are operating from a bubble of non-reality I like to call the Neococoon.  

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano: True, MSNBC viewers were mentioned in the study as well and were a distant second on the misinformation scale.  I have been disappointed in MSNBC’s decision to follow your lead down this dark road—and I have covered this numerous times here at the Discord.  But let’s face it, they’re minor leaguers compared to Fox.

Let’s agree to disagree and move on.org.  Global warming…after listening to you over the years, I feel you have only a rudimentary understanding of Earth , at best.   Bottom line, why are all clean energy initiatives demonized by the Foxeteers?

Sean Hannity: Fox talking point.

Mick Zano: I would agree with that statement; there is much we still do not know about earth cycles, but why would you side with the minority of scientists on this issue?  Especially when the inhabitability of our world is potentially at stake?

Sean Hannity:  ?????

Mick Zano: Inhabitability, in this context, refers to the planet’s inability to sustain life.

Sean Hannity: Fox talking point!

Mick Zano: Again, that is not based on this reality, which brings up my next point.  How about the continued dumbing down of Republicans at a faster rate than any other faction?  For instance, how do you back a Bachmann candidacy with a straight face? Or now maybe even a Trump candidacy?

Sean Hannity: Blah, blah, blah.

Mick Zano: Well, it clearly ties into your mantra smart people are wrong about everything and dumb people are right about everything.  I see this as a ‘Bush wasn’t dumb enough, so let’s try this even bigger moron’ approach to fixing America, or, as I have referred to it, the ‘doubling down on stupid’ strategy.  Case in point, nearly half the country at one time supported a Palin candidacy. Isn’t this more of an indication of our failing educational system than anything else?

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: You’re serious?  You think I have been duped by the mainstream media into thinking Palin and Bachmann are idiots?  So it’s not when, say, during some Hannity interview, they string words into what can loosely be described as complete sentences—it’s not that these interviews typically leave me scratching my head and/or nauseous…it has nothing to do with that?  You’re saying somehow these feelings are being projected upon me by MSNBC and the Huffington Post?  Hmmm.  Nope, I think they’re idiots.

Sean Hannity: Fox News talking point.

Mick Zano: You seem very sure of yourself lately. There’s a gleam in your eye as we approach the coming collapse.  So you had no warning for us as we drove this country into a brick wall and now, post the collapse, you are gloating as Obama, an American president, struggles to right this country.  Is that really patriotism?  How do you look at yourself as anything but a shortsighted partisan hack?

Sean Hannity: Empty patriotic nonsense followed by a Fox News talking point medley [oh, and lots of these: !!!!!]

Mick Zano: I don’t see how you feel vindicated just because the new guy hasn’t been able to clean up after your guy.  I guess what I’m saying is, that hardly sounds like a clarion call for all fiscal conservatives to rally around.

Sean Hannity:  ?????

Mick Zano: In this context, clarion call means… never mind.  Look, I believe today’s republicans (and I do distinguish them from the party of twenty years ago—when they had valid points that related to the real world)…again, today’s republicans can now be broken down into three major categories: 1.) those who are greedy, intentionally misinforming America for what they see as potential economic gain, 2.) those who are not horribly bright and have fallen prey to the endless propaganda on Fox News, and 3.) those hiding until a party emerges that does not embarrass the shit out of them.

You, Mr. Hannity, obviously do not reside in category 3.) so, bottom line, are you greedy or are you stupid?

[disruption, some yelling]

Mick Zano: Would you still consider me for your Great American Panel!  I used to be a Long Islander too! Please…can I kiss your rings! 

Apparently this interview is over.  We learned a lot today from Mr. Hannity and the inner workings of what can loosely be described as his “mind.”   Stay tuned next week when I interview Professor Stephen Hawking on that illusive stuff known as dark matter…er, but without the aid of his voice synthesizer.   It was apparently sucked into an inter-dimensional rift during one of his last experiments.   We’ll muddle through, so until next time.