News & Politics

News & Politics

Captain Viagra Peters Out

Captain Viagra Peters Out

Hughesville, PA—The Daily Discord originally signed a two year contract with fellow Discord contributor, Dave Atsals, for his Captain Viagra series. Discord lawyers are now working diligently to nullify the deal. The agreement involved weekly installments of Mr. Atsals’ cartoon, inspired by his own sad, libido-less antics. Thus far the cartoon has brought the popular ezine only scrutiny.

“Umm, we get enough of that,” said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow. “We have no shortage of scrutiny. Every day over my morning coffee I read how we ‘suck’ or how ‘the Crank is demeaning to aardvarks’ or ‘isn’t skullfucking a felony?’ On that note, no skulls are ever violated during the creation of The Ghetto Shaman’s weekly column (mostly).”

The first installment had Captain Viagra and his trusty sidekick, The Cialis Kid, jetting across the galaxy in his long sleek rocket ship, The U.S.S. Priapus. At the end of the first episode, our hero catches up with the female antagonist, Vagina Villainous, and slams his ship repeatedly into her unprotected Moon Base.

Pierce Winslow added, “The cartoon went out to about five hundred fans as a pilot, but the negative feedback rivaled our recent Nazi Fugitive Makeover.”

When it was pointed out how the Ghetto Shaman column has been late four of the last five weeks, Winslow said, “Maybe we are going to run it. The Shaman is dead. Long limp Captain Viagra!” He then shouted, “To infidelity and beyond!” but later asked to have that quote removed. Winslow admitted he was a little excited when he said that, but he will seek treatment if it lasts longer than four hours.

Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour

Gingrich Reveals his 32-State Concession Speech Tour

Washington, DC—Former Speaker, former GOP nominee and former human being, Newt Gingrich, has revealed his ambitious countrywide concession tour extravaganza. Mr. Gingrich’s handlers, now down to his wife and his wife’s boyfriend, claim the donations are pouring in for this important slice of American history.

Sarah Palin told our own Cokie McGrath, “Newt is making a bold statement. He’s saying we’re not going to put up with the tyranny of the Obama Administration any longer, and he’s doing it in a way not unlike when Samuel Adams signed the Constitution in that really big font.”

Michele Bachmann later corrected the record for Palin, “She means, of course, when Gomez Adams signed the Magna Carta.”

After losing the nomination, Gingrich told the press it gave him time to think. After a deep reflective meditation, involving bottom shelf bourbon, he realized America deserved this long bittersweet farewell tour. “I don’t want to look back on this one day and say, ‘why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?’”

With continued donations, Gingrich hopes to upgrade his tour vehicle from his own ‘creeper van’ to a large RV. “Maybe something with an American flag on it and a catchy saying like Freedom’s Fizzle,” said Gingrich.

When Cokie McGrath suggested he go with, “Why didn’t I just go the fuck home and try not to be an asshole to my third wife?” Gingrich replied, “Too long. I can’t afford a bus that big.”

2012: A Space Case Odyssey

Mick Zano

Not sure if the Mayan Gods are returning any time soon, but I do know neither of our presidential contenders can save America in its current form. What’s the current form, you ask? One hint, Forrest Gump stepped in a pile right outside of this very Flagstaff coffee shop where I’m writing this tripe. That’s deep, Mick, real deep. Yeah, well not as deep as the pile this country stepped in…”It happens.”

Years ago I insisted on forming a viable third party. Wouldn’t that be nice right about now? Both Romney and Obama are doomed to fail. Checkmate. Here’s the way things will likely play out:

A 2nd Obama Administration:

An Obama reelection will bring more of the same (as predicted long ago by yours truly here)—generally a competent foreign policy and no movement at all on the economic front. In the immortal words of Buford T. Justice, “They’ve got him boxed in like a turtle’s pecker.” Everything under the sun will be filibustered. Obama will never get sixty votes on anything and he’ll become such a huge lame duck, he’ll lose even the Aflac vote. The Republicans will likely begin this ordeal with the He-picked-anti-American-colors-for-the-drapes-again! filibuster.

He probably won’t even pass any Supreme Court appointments in this environment, so it will continue to grow increasingly ideological and unbalanced (irrelevantitis?). Following in the footsteps of our Justice Department, the Supreme Court has become a joke.

Speaking of which, I love how Judge Scalia admitted he couldn’t read the entire healthcare bill. Yeah, just shot it down without reading it. That’s a great idea. Same way it was passed (full circle jerk?). The healthcare law has huge implications for our future. People worked years on this piece of legislation and, whether it’s right or wrong a judge’s job is to decide on its Constitutionality. Would you like to write a letter of apology to each of the 30 million Americans who won’t be covered now because you lost your reading glasses? Why is a joke journalist even explaining job responsibilities to a Supreme Court Justice? Because that’s how bad things have gotten. Speaking of which, I contracted Scalia once. You just have to go to the clinic and get that special ointment…oh, I’m being told it closed due to funding cuts.

Meanwhile, Obama will be locked in mortal combat with both houses and our impotent politicians will allow us to slip into a double dip recession. Republicans will do this out of spite, because they’re so patriotic.

No Bush policies are reversible at this point. Whereas the effectiveness or costs associated with Obamacare are unknowns, Bush’s policies are very known and very unaffordable. They have a half-life that makes uranium look like a Tucson ice sculpture. And no debt deal will pass muster with the delusional Right. This is a foregone conclusion after the failures in July to reach an agreement (my recent take on the New York Times coverage here). The right turned down a very generous taxes v cuts package. Ten to one was a little harsher ratio than advisable, but how long can we really go on avoiding the problem? Well, it does seem to work here at the Discord, but we’re kind of an outlier. But hey, it does increase Obama’s overall spending numbers, which is red meat for the Foxeteers.

A Romney Administration:

Mitt Romney still thinks the Iraq War was a good idea. This should immediately disqualify him for the job of Commander in Chief, but this is 2012: A Space Case Odyssey. Hey, at least Romney will scare off the Mayan Gods, but on the downside the Christian/Mormon Wars will begin in 2014. Kidding! They will occur much sooner than that.

What we will have under a Romney Administration is a very hasty double dip recession. No more of this gradual recovery shit for us. For all their empty rhetoric, the Republicans are simply not capable of making responsible cuts across the board. They won’t touch the defense budget and if they do, they’ll just gut V.A. benefits and the like, creeps. After all, government bureaucracies are all horribly inefficient, except, of course, the biggest most inefficient one. The Right identifies problems about as effectively as the Catholic Church.

So the deep cuts will be concentrated on a few areas they deem unworthy, namely: social services, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Planned Parenthood and the like. Such cuts will…oh. I’ve been through this one too many times. Suffice to say, the misery index in our country will spike like Lindsay Lohan’s BAC after any given parole hearing. And, of course, I will become unemployed, which will allow me to work on the Discord more. Woo hoo! See? a silver lining. Support the Discord, Vote Romney! Hell, there’s always way more material under a Republican administration anyway.

Oh, and a couple more radical Republican judges will enter the scene. These C. Montgomery Burns friendly folks will push the country toward what will eventually be understood as neo-fascism, as the Koch Brothers and Monsantos of the world reign supreme. The already appalling distribution of wealth will sharply increase, if that’s mathematically possible. The Right will dismantle the last unions and further decimate regulations of any kind. But don’t worry, Monsanto has our backs…or they’ll have us on our backs. I’m sure it’s one of the two.

Monsanto: a better life through unregulated, genetically modified goodness. Mmmmm modified.

The name Earth will be changed to Exxon, which, let’s face it, is a way cooler sounding planet name anyway. There will be significant crackdowns on the Occupy Movement as it grows but fails to develop a unified message. These crackdowns will be nothing quite like Assad’s over in Syria, but they’ll be bad enough. Dems may adopt some of the rightwing filibuster tactics to try to stymie the stupid, but either way four more years of gridlock and the fat lady will be singing, or at least clearing her throat.

The dollar will not be the world standard by the end of either administration. I hope to hell I’m wrong about this. If this is allowed to happen, it will turn our country upside down, which should actually help the Right as they assumed that position long ago. Remember, our bond rating was downgraded for two primary reasons, 1.) we’re broke, and 2.) the bond raters lost faith in the government’s ability to function. They, of course, cited the Tea Party mentality as a primary problem (as does just about everyone outside the bubble). Again, when a group decides to downgrade our bond rating and then explains why they did it, this equates to a talking point. Don’t forget, in their world Facts = Talking Points and Talking Points = Facts.

Meanwhile, Andrew Sullivan is calling for an “intellectual conservative renaissance.” Whereas that would be swell, I think it’s a little late for that. Let’s face it, the Right has an aversion to all things intellectual and, besides, renaissance sounds way too French. Now if Sullivan had called for a Patriotic Fuck-the-Government Revival BBQ, maybe.

Simpson-Bowels, or even Obama’s final debt proposal last July, had some chance of moving us toward economic stability, but that ship has sailed, along with our solvency.

Political scientist Jonathon Bernstein thinks both sides have become more radical, but believes the main problem points to an unprecedented dysfunction on the Right (thus my near continuous coverage). I agree even I’ve grown more radical over the years, out of disgust. Have you heard about Thomas Mann/Norman Ornstein’s new book It’s Worse than It Looks? These non-partisan, congressional scholar types have historically been more critical of Dems than Republicans…until now. They describe a government as broken as the one prior to the Civil War.

“One of the two major parties, the Republican Party, has become an insurgent outlier — ideologically extreme; contemptuous of the inherited social and economic policy regime; scornful of compromise; unpersuaded by conventional understanding of facts, evidence and science; and dismissive of the legitimacy of its political opposition.”

Thomas Mann/Norman Ornstein

Wow, who knew I was a congressional scholar? Evidence, science, and facts be damned, or:

Fox News: Unapologetic, Unafraidand Unhinged

And when did our Government die, you ask? For me it came with the realization we are forever locked into all of Bush’s gloriously unfunded policies. I said we would never be the same after Bush. Hmmm. Will I have to retract that someday? I hope so. I did suggest a good compromise recently:

“Let’s only raise taxes to pay for Republican policies. Let’s just pay for the wars and the programs started under Bush—the ones paid for wholly on China’s dime. The rest of any budget plan can be predominately austerity measures.”

Mick Zano

And, as predicted, each European country is collapsing right on cue. Their demises coincide with their revenue to austerity ratios. This parallels my prediction from over a year ago. The heavier the austerity-only measures, the worse off the country’s recovery. Similar cuts amidst a floundering recovery triggered our own Great Depression. But, according to the right, the lessons of European economic policies don’t matter, because they’re socialist. Europe = Socialism, conversation over. They really simplify things, don’t they? In a Rain Man on crack kind of way.

“More seriously, the talk of “debt crisis” points us to the wrong question. And as I remember from my days grading university exam papers, it’s almost impossible to get the answer right if you get the question wrong. The United States does not have a “deficit problem.” It has an immediate economic underperformance problem (which depresses revenues) and it has a chronic healthcare overpayment problem (healthcare is the most important driver—at this point you could fairly say the only driver—of U.S. federal spending).”

David Frum

I can’t believe I’m warming to a former Bush speech writer. Burn off that Karma Frum, burn it off. But how long will Frum be welcome over on Fox News? In the land of the neococoon, if you start to broach the truth on any given issue, it’s bye-bye time.

Obama bought us some time and once again the Republicans squandered it. As for what Fox News economists say, do the opposite. History is not their friend—if it were then they wouldn’t need to spend so much time revising it. But let’s give them some credit; they understand short term, unsustainable gains better than anyone.

As for ignoring science, have you seen the billboards comparing those who believe in Climate Change to Bin Laden, or the Unabomber? As usual, Andrew Sullivan is on it:

“In some ways, this is an almost perfect illustration of what has happened to the `right.’ A refusal to acknowledge scientific reality; and a brutalist style of public propaganda that focuses entirely on guilt by the most extreme association.”

This is also the Hannity “strategy.” Here’s an example: so the Unabomber believed in Christmas too, so maybe the War on Christmas is justified? Arguing with the Right is kind of like sticking your hand in a garbage disposal: painful and senseless. And, yes, our country has been hijacked by extremists, just not the one’s you thought.

Meanwhile, there’s some leftist Facebook group called Americans Against the Tea Party. Sure the Tea Party epitomizes that all-or-none thinking I’m always harping about, but are they really to blame? The propaganda on the Right is effective. Forty percent of our country buys this shit. Shouldn’t we blame the entities that created this faction? At the end of the day, we need to get as many people on the same page to denounce the abuses by both the government and corporate America.

Intersection of Occupy and Tea

I always attack the Right, because they tend to turn a blind eye to the worst offenses of government and they aren’t programmed to even comment on corporate abuses. And getting folks on the same page is much less likely than it was just a few short years ago. We can’t ignore the abuses and overreach on either side of this equation. But I just can’t see Occupy and the Tea Party agreeing on anything amidst this polarized climate, which is precisely what those in power intended. They can’t remain in power, or even keep this a two party system, if enough of us got on the same page. And with Fox News as #1, perpetually spewing #2, it’s not going to happen. Since Republicans are having such a hard time connecting the dots, I suggest they borrow a strategy from my friend Ling Carter over at Interesting News Items and “order some larger dots.”

Shootout at the Batshit Corral Approved by City Council

Shootout at the Batshit Corral Approved by City Council

Tombstone, AZ—The Black Panthers recently put a bounty on the head of rock star and activist Ted Nugent for his recent incendiary remarks against President Barack Obama. The Panthers do not feel the Secret Service’s recent visit to The Motor City Madman will suffice.

Black Panther national spokesman, Chawn Kweli, told the Discord’s Cokie McGrath, “In recent weeks, we put out a bounty on the heads of George Zimmerman, Harold Steinman and now Ted Nugent for crimes against humanity.”

When McGrath asked about Steinman, Kweli replied, “That cock sucker cut me off at the mall and took the last parking spot. I ran his plates and that mother f-er is going down!”

Ted Nugent suggested the Black Panthers meet him at the historic OK Corral in Tombstone Arizona to settle their differences. On Saturday May 12th, at high noon, Ted Nugent plans to square off with the three key members of The Black Panthers for what was once known as ‘the quick draw’. The Historical Society and City Council of Tombstone Arizona have approved the use of real bullets during this gunfight extravaganza, which locals think should “significantly boost tourism.”

The Mayor of Tombstone, Kirby Jenkins, said, “We’re kind of hoping they just blow the shit out of each other. I know there’s some sympathy for Ted’s position around these parts, but at the end of the day the world will be a better place when Boot Hill has a few more permanent residents.”

Gabby Johnson of nearby Rock Ridge added, “frRRrravish!”

Garbage Basketball a Lost Art for One Man

Garbage Basketball a Lost Art for One Man

Arlington, VA—The new garbage container designs have all but ended many years of wastepaper basketball. Will this sport follow the fate of kick the can, or spin the can, or ring around the spinning can? At its peak, the popular sport was played in one form or another by an estimated 75-million people across the U.S. By 2010, to the chagrin of an elite group of home hoopsters, all kitchen garbage cans came with lids.

Wastebasket ball great, Barry Mellman, said, “I would shoot waste baskets to make the cleaning more fun. With the new pale I tried putting a large rock on the lever to keep it open, but my wife broke her toe on the fucking thing. Besides, you never get a true bank shot off those circular contraptions.”

“I cried the day the lidless ones died,” said Hall of Fumer, Ron Fratelli. “I even own an official garbage basketball hoop. So last week I make this great shot with an overripe tomato. It, of course, ends up through the hoop but on the lid—with mucho tomato shrapnel on the wall. My wife asked if it was a mob hit. Women just don’t appreciate the wasteular arts.”

Garbage container manufacturers claim the newer models are more hygienic and significantly cut down on odor.

Oscar the Grouch added, “You mean they keep odors in, right?”

The Magnificent Apology Rides Again

Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA-Lately we have drifted into a bit of a journalism-free stupor here at The Discord. I keep firing Mick Zano, which accomplishes little. The Ghetto Shaman has only posted intermittently this month, which he claims is due to his important “inhalant research.” Well listen up, Mr. Huffy McSnortsproducts, if you’re late one more time, I’m handing the whole advice column over to McGrath and her anti-life coaching/relationship advice drivel! No offense Cokie, but it’s drivel.

As for our recent news item debacles, I have implemented a stricter process to ensure a level of quality and integrity not seen since our Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection days. The Discord’s recent coverage Salmon Linked to Tunaonella Outbreak was a potential threat to our informed readers’ health, to say nothing of the outcry after our post Weaponized T&A Causes Mounting Threat. In retrospect, our slice of life feature My Adorable Ex’s Tranny should have read My Adorable Texas Granny. We sincerely apologize to Mrs. Katie Walthrope of Austin for the embarrassment she and her family suffered.

What I truly found inexcusable was Mick Zano’s coverage of Andrew Breitbart’s death. As it turns out, Breitbart died of heart failure not, as Zano claimed in his feature, a drone strike ordered by The White House. We’re better than this! …albeit not by much.

Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment

Church Apologizes for Using Real Nails during Crucifixion Reenactment

Kingstree, SC—Officially, the First Baptist Church has “no idea” how the foam versions of their nails used to crucify their savior each year were replaced with sharp wooden spikes. Easter Sunday, these spikes were miSTAKEnly used to nail local forklift operator, Gus Franklin, to a large cross at the climax of their holiday mass extravaganza.

“We just hope someday people will find the humor in all of this,” said Father Michael Shenanigans. “I knew we should have gone with the F@^*ing Easter egg hunt.”

Uber-Defrocked Reverend Joseph Tompkins told coroners, “We just thought the Messiah was really getting into the part this year.” However, the holy emissary later admitted to police, “We planned to take him down in a couple of days and put his body in a cave to see what happens. You know, to make the most of this tragedy. Maybe something good could have come from it, like the Rapture or at least a related bake sale.”

On a related note, The First Baptist Church’s ‘One of Our Beloved Forklifters Rose on the 3rd Day’ bake sale has been canceled, pending the investigation of the organizers.

Seattle Five-O: Post ‘em, Zano

The Crank

Dear Mr. Zano, I realize you, just like all politicians, cater to your base. I understand that and almost always fully support it. The problem arises when ‘your base’ refers to six or seven deeply depressed individuals in the rainiest, coldest, wettest, most depressed, most northeast corner of the United States. I also realize one more thing. You do, well, suck.

And just so you know, if you cut out any of this diatribe, you prove my point J. You must have sat back after reading my last post about bad words and said to yourself, “How can I call Crank an asshole without exactly calling him an asshole? I am in fact much smarter than he, and I feel the need to prove it.” The result of that question was your last post. Hundreds of words (yawn) spouting just the same ridiculous Talking Points. If you had done your due diligence you would have realized they were as slanted as a ‘Fox News Readers Poll”. You actually referenced the now widely disgraced “all people who watch Fox are idiots” poll. Now that’s funny, I don’t care who y’aare. You just keep doin wut yer doin, Mik.

You continue to do two things. First, you prove every point I make without realizing it, and you make 26 lefties in Seattle very happy, as they laugh at your “joke” calling me an asshole without actually doing it, therefore proving that they also, well, suck.

What you, in fact, keep saying to me is that I am wrong on most things. I am wrong, why? Because you say I am? Because you’re talking points and polls and charts say I am? If you are right, then you are indeed well, fucked, because a whole shitload of us ‘wrong people’ are about to vastly change back what Obama is trying to change. You fail to understand human nature—odd for someone in your field—and you fail to understand human natures effect on the redistribution of wealth and socialism in general. If all people were like you, we could in fact live like Star Trek, you know, like you left leaners want us to. Problem is, well look at Europe. You cannot have a society that purports to being all things to all peoples when the ‘all peoples’ takes all the ‘free stuff’ and goes to wild lengths to avoid paying for them.

That is why Obama has to incite class warfare; he has to have all the “takers” in his corner, because most of the “payers” will not vote for him. As he loses the “payers”, he loses the one thing his type of government needs the most, money. So therefore you don’t have to be a website owner to realize that his type of government can’t, never has, and never will work. It is, by its very nature, self defeating. With the noted exception of things like defense, interstate transportation, and banking, bigger government has failed all its efforts to prove it has any merit, time and time again. The States and local communities is where the Founders wanted most of the power to be, and that is exactly where it’s heading back to. If you choose to have an idiot for a Mayor (ie Bloomberg), Senator/Representative (ie: Boehner and Reid) or Governor (ie; Moonbeam of California), the rest of us don’t have to deal with it. Or pay for it, as we all will be doing soon in the case of California.

If you really wanted to increase your readership, you would do just what MSNBC and Fox are doing, trying to appeal to a broader base, you know, like my ass…’cause, as goes my ass, also goes America. Oh wait, that was GM. But in reality, you would rather six people agree with you, (ie: Socialism) than ten thousand rednecks. Hey, you get enough hits and you can spend the rest of your life tasting microbrews and gourmet coffees whilst laughing at your own readership (ie, Capitalism). That is called ‘principles’ and I am totally cool with that—but the pay sucks, unless, you get a block grant from Big Government paid for by the Taxpayers to study Microbrews and Gourmet Coffees? Why not write the grant, Mikko? Obama would probably bite

The problem with that? All the rest of us that actually pay taxes will be relocating to Costa Rica. (Costa Rica, the ‘Little Humid Germany’ of Central America). Like Margret Thatcher once said, (in a voice like the late Graham Chapman doing an impression of her) “The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.”

Cranky

P.S. love the Darth Cheney heart one   

Wiwhtoi (Wish I Would Have Thought Of It)

A Not so Special Comment:

Yeah, if you want to dabble in rebuttals (not recommended), you’re not going to get the last word. Life’s a bitch. What we’ve been suggesting is for you to cover what you want, look into Fast & Furious. I think there’s real meat there. Look into the policies and the politicians you want to investigate, aka, rail and rant on whatever and whoever you want, but the back and forth sucks. This is not about you. It’s about a failing country and the side order of propaganda that brought us here. Fox News is wrong about most things, true story, but I’m attacking the Sean Hannitys of the world, not you. He’s the source, you’re simply the collateral damage.

A few quick points:

  1. I don’t have a base. I agree with D about 6 of 10 issues and R about 1 in 10. I’m not listing my differences with liberals again; all my posts are available here at the Discord. Yet, in three years, you have never identified a single time where you’ve differed from a Fox News talking point. You, sir, clearly have a base and Fox News’ effectiveness is the story. You’ve also never figured out you’re not dealing with a typical liberal. The reason you think I’m attacking you is the fact that you and Fox News share a brain. Media Oblongata? The Right’s philosophy is a laundry list of false assumptions, which I will continue to cover and you will continue to ignore.
  2. Ridiculous talking points? Soooo when we review the budgetary score card for past presidents and it shows the inability of Republican presidents to do anything but spend too much and expand government, that’s a talking point? Umm, that’s history. And when the Congressional Budget Office—the people who spent the money actually say where they spent the money, which turns out to be predominately on Bush’s policies—that’s just a talking point too? What…we blew all the money on hookers? Well, that would explain the latest Secret Service scandal.  

  3. Who the hell is talking about socialism? Your main point against me is always, “You’re a flaming socialist.” I did not support Obamacare, because we’re broke and it’s not the right time. Obamacare would likely keep me employed, yet here’s what I said about it in my last post.

    “The increase in Medicare recipients is the only meat to this entire clusterfuck to facts. I will benefit from this eventuality circa 2014, but it smells like enabling to me and I’m not sure how we can fund the increase in enrollments or even if they’re medically necessary.”

    The rest here:

  4. Where are all of my socialism posts and points? All adult societies find a way to care for their most needy. You call that socialism, I call that responsibility. I bring to the debate meaningful insights, hatched by reviewing whatever facts can be ascertained from this manure pile we call the media. I am “of no party or clique” so I have a tremendous advantage over you, Dr. Regurgitate. As Bill Maher tells us, the Right has created Obama X to run against in 2012. So have fun running against a thought form created by bullshit.

  5. As you say, I’m fucked. True story…as are we all. We were truly nailed to the wall under Bush and we will resume our collective descent under the next asshole Fox elects. For a rehashing of the past, present and future:

    This is my graph from way back when. When things continue to go down precisely on cue, it will be interesting to hear your explanation. Kidding!

  6. And, finally, you keep using that same Margaret Thatcher socialism quote. I promise to keep that in mind if I ever decide to become a socialist. But here’s a quote that’s actually relevant to what’s happening today. Supreme Court Justice, Louis Brandeis, once said, “We can have democracy in this country or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, but we can’t have both.”

At the end of the day, I actually think big government and big corporations both suck and eventually enough people will come to terms with this reality and form a viable third party. Fox News is and will continue the biggest barrier to this eventuality. What’s actually hurting any Obama or .gov investigations is a rightwing media totally off track, incompetent, and disreputable. If you make up nine scandals, I’ll bet you the real one will sneak right on by…and it probably already has.

Fox News

Last and Spurious

Mick Zano

Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?

Pope Angers Gotham: Is Batman Working for the Vatican?

Vatican City—Commissioner Gordon of Gotham City is “outraged by the audacity of the Pope and his minions.” Initially, the Commissioner was not surprised Batman ignored their city’s cries for help. “We just thought he fell off the Batwagon again,” said Gordon. “He self medicates, you know. The dude has issues. But now we find out he’s responding to problems all the way in Italy?”

The Pope is denying a series of clandestine meetings occurred between his Holiness and the caped crusader. Vatican officials are also denying rumors the Pope had a Bat Phone installed in his chambers. The Vatican released a statement earlier today, calling the rumors “Bat shit crazy” and “His Holiness doesn’t even own a cell phone, let alone a Bat Phone.”

An unnamed whistle-blowing Cardinal told reporters, the Pope believes, “We need to restore the Knights Templar. And who better than the Dark Knight himself to lead our new crusades into the 21st Century?”

“Batman is a vigilante,” said the Pope. “His methods are dubious. We need a beacon of light, not an archetype of darkness.”

When asked about the giant bat signal seen over the Tower of Passetto, the Pope said, “It’s a grail shaped beacon…like in that Monty Python movie. Jesus Christ, would you people drop this shit already?”

The Passetto acts as a secret passage from Italy into the Vatican—the perfect meeting place for the Pope and Batman to hatch their evil plots. If the Vatican is resurrecting the Knights Templar, perhaps they are enlisting the aid of all of our fictional superheroes. If the Pope recruited Aquaman, for instance, he would have armies of undersea creatures at his command! And who’s to say Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t parked outside the Passetto, right now?

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption

Krauthammer V Zano: The Hawk-Spank Redemption
Mick Zano

This is a rebuttal of some recent discussion by Fox News’s, Dr. Charles Krautwanker (that’s not name calling! There is considerable evidence he wanks his kraut, or is hammered when he…). Anyway, this is a snopes.com version of Dr. Lautyammer’s recent speech (that’s a typo, honest). So in all fairness to Dr. K, the snopeputians may have augmented his rhetoric (aka, they may have added some pink slime filler to the usual USDA prime choice Foxaganda).

Here’s Krauthammer’s main points, my comments marked with a bold and beautiful MZ:

Points 1 and 2 praise President Obama’s political prowess, so we are in agreement.

Krauthammer’s 3rd point: Obama has a ruthless quest for power. He did not come to Washington to make something out of himself but rather to change everything, including dismantling capitalism. He can’t be straight forward on his ambitions, as the public would not go along. He has a heavy hand and wants to level the playing field with income redistribution and punishment to the achievers of society. He would like to model the USA to Great Britain or Canada.

MZ: Ummm, he ran on change, Dr. Truthlittle (…and legend says, children, Dr. Truthlittle could speak to the Garanimals). You’re saying he’s a politician on a “ruthless quest for power.” What a stretch there, Captain Obvious. He’s actually the first worldcentric minded prez. I’ve covered this phenomenon here. So ruthless may prove a poor choice of words, though eerily accurate for the first 43 of his ethnocentric predecessors. Dude…you were, like, sooo close.

As for dismantling capitalism, unfortunately, an overhaul is in order. Isn’t it funny the Right thinks our system is still in pristine condition? Yeah, like the East River pristine. It’s glacier fed, really…well, 10,000 years ago. Capitalism has unfortunately morphed into something called Super Capitalism, which is based on the needs of the sociopathic few. By the way, this happened while you were busy defending every aspect of it, Mr. Groutlicker. Obama has at least identified how when one player suddenly owns all the property, hotels, and houses it’s Maddoffopoly! The free market works sometimes, but to think it works all the time is more of that all-or-none thinking. There are things the private sector does better (hat tip Tea Party) but too often they’re greedy and sociopathic (hat tip Occupy). I really shouldn’t call it all-or-none thinking anymore as that implies thinking is involved, so let’s call it all-or-none regurgitating. Reverse politistalsis? Bullemia? Sorry. I’m still trying to make up for that Gospelrexia Versevosa joke in my last spirituality feature.

Krauthammer’s 4th point: His three main goals are to control ENERGY, PUBLIC EDUCATION and NATIONAL HEALTHCARE by the Federal government. He doesn’t care about the auto or financial services industries but got them as an early bonus. The cap and trade will add costs to everything and stifle growth. Paying for FREE college education is his goal. Most scary is his healthcare program because if you make it FREE and add 46,000,000 people to a Medicare-type single-payer system, the costs will go through the roof. The only way to control costs is with massive RATIONING of services, like in Canada .. God forbid!

MZ: Obama doesn’t care much for the auto industry? Yet he saved it just for chevys and giggles. Did you forget that part again? Damn facts. As for proof of Obama’s overt dismantling of capitalism…well, there isn’t any. And if there is, it’s sooo buried in lies you’d have better luck finding Al Capone’s vault in Snooki’s ass! Oh, I’m being told they just discovered Al Capone’s vault in Snooki’s ass. Bad example.

Why don’t you and your ilk learn how to report on stuff and gain some credibility and then maybe one of your “scandals” will stick. Naaah, keep lying. It will get Obama re-elected, which is better than the alternative. Oh, and those three systems you mentioned are broken…reaaally broken…Greece economy broken (GEB).

FACT ALERT (Fox News viewers read at your own peril):

National Healthcare:

The increase in Medicare recipients is the only meat to this entire clusterfuck to facts. I will benefit from this eventuality circa 2014, but it smells like enabling to me and I’m not sure how we can fund the increase in enrollments or even if they’re medically necessary. On that note, I have approved the collective Republican lobotomy. Sorry, I’m being told the procedure is redundant.

But, hey, a point! This almost never happens. He is an intellect…well, comparatively. But would a Foxeteer ever disagree with something that would cost them money? Why didn’t Foxeteers back Ron Paul before it was fab? Oh, you want answers…they don’t have any.

You know who would vote against their wallets on the Right? Not f-ing one of them and that’s why they’re invariably dangerous. Yeah, I want to join that party…oh wait, they don’t get invited to any. Fiscal conservatives, my ass. 

Energy:

I back Obama’s attempt at sustainable energy. China over funded their own solar plants and killed the Solyndra thing. We can’t give up on these sustainable plans or plants. Your scandal is one of my solyutions. As for Crap and Turd, I would have preferred a gas tax to level the playing field. But whatever it takes. Sooo you haven’t even identified that something needs to be done? Of course not. That would require forethought. The Left has thus far botched the approach to green energies while the Right hasn’t even identified the problem. Thus I give you dumb and dumber. They are special, aren’t they? We either move to what scientists are suggesting or at some point a full collapse is imminent. The choice is clear. And sorry, sustainable energy does not translate into drill baby drill, but, hey, I do like the beached dolphin slalom as much as the next guy. Thanks BP! Sand sushi anyone?  

What we need are new alternative cleaner energies, like Dilithium crystals. Haven’t heard of them? Don’t worry. There’s plenty on Gingrich’s moon base.

Education:

As for education, another fail. For proof, look in the mirror. I’m kidding, there are smart people out there, and they tend to get their news from comedians these days. I think education needs a major transformation, into something meaningful.

I would like to hear Obama’s education proposal. I would like to hear them…as opposed to the Conservative approach, which is defund, defund, defund. Brought to you by the Uneducated for Education!

Back to capitalism for a minute. In its current form, it sucks—your pride and joy is an epic fucking fail. Hey, it worked for a while…like Fukushima. But, as I’ve said all along, I am for repairing it, not dismantling it. You know what’s killing businesses? Trying and failing to insure their own employees, that’s what. If you kill Obamacare and fail to fix our insurance problem, we’re in big trouble. This awful scenario is likely to play out in the future.

Our system rewards sociopaths who refuse to insure their employees. Speaking of which, sociopaths must be identified and weeded out, not endlessly promoted by some greedy faceless board of directors. My take on this phenomenon here. My last two bosses complained about insurance killing them, not whatever the fuck the Right is talking about. Example, Wal-Mart insures 44% of its force, compared to Costco at 96%. And Costco will suffer for its humanity. The one percent rides again! But I do love the one percent’s kitchen store (Hannibal Lechters? It’s better than Buffalo Bill’s Wild Gumbs. OK, I’m going to stop….Silence of the Libs?).

Oh, and Mr. Burns probably doesn’t even insure his flying monkeys…and most of them, as Python tells us, don’t so much fly as plummet. Pining for the fjords?! Where is PETA on this real animal rights menace?

I know you love Wal-Mart, Cranko, so you better get that blue vest ready; you’re going to need it. Insurance sold separately. But don’t worry, who needs insurance when nearly half their jobs pay over minimum wage. What you call good business has been identified by behavioral health professionals as sociopathic. That isn’t good (hint: it’s the opposite of good). We need to start rewarding good behavior in this country. I have an idea, let’s keep the Mexicans and deport the Republicans.

Krauthammer’s 5th point: He [Obama] has surrounded himself with mostly far-left academic types. No one around him has ever even run a candy store. But they are going to try and run the auto, financial, banking and other industries. This obviously can’t work in the long run. Obama is not a socialist; rather he’s a far-left secular progressive bent on nothing short of revolution. He ran as a moderate but will govern from the hard left. Again, watch what he DOES, not what he says.

MZ: Unfortunately, these days the far left translates as slightly left of Reagan. The spectrum has shifted, but not in the way you think. And Mr. Obama’s handling of the candy store has been worlds better than your guy. W made Burton’s Willy Wonka seem stable. Everlasting GOPstoppers?

Oompa loompa doopa dee doo
I have another message for you
Spending and torture isn’t a game
Why must you vote for more of the same.

Do you think Bush and Nixon surrounded themselves with progressives? Usually the best man loses in our general elections. That’s nothing new. Remember Apple V. IBM, Beta V. VHS or Kerry V. Bush? So, don’t worry, there’s hope for Mr. Etch-a-Sketch. Where is the evidence of this revolution?

Krauthammer’s 6th point: Obama doesn’t really see himself as President of the United States but more as a ruler over the world. He sees himself above it all, trying to orchestrate & coordinate various countries and their agendas. He sees moral equivalency in all cultures. His apology tour in Germany and England was a prime example of how he sees America as an imperialist nation that has been arrogant, rather than a great noble nation that has at times made errors. This is the first President, ever , who has chastised our allies and appeased our enemies!

MZ: Actually, he prefers Master of the Universe. Luckily, his handlers refused to go with his first slogan idea: BY THE POWER OF GREY SKULL!!! Dude, he’s worldcentric. Obama has reached an impressive level of human consciousness. Hooray for progress! This is going to seem new and scary for many, but I assure you it’s much less scary than global collapses, torture, and secret police. We have reaped some benefits through his competent foreign policy. It looks like some progress on the checks and balances of the expanded executive branch is occurring under Obama (according to Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Time Weiner in his book FBI). He believes we’re swinging back to Constitutional sanity. Hey, why isn’t he booked on Hannity? Hmmmm.

I do agree it’s time to stop apologizing. Hey, just in time for the next guy we’ll need to start apologizing for! Cool. Why don’t you take your own advice Mr. Krapjammer and watch what Obama does not what he says?

“We are truly and deeply sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Bin Laden.”

Krauthammer’s 7th point: He is now handing out goodies. He hopes that the bill (and pain) will not come due until after he is re-elected in 2012. He would like to blame all problems on Bush, from the past, and hopefully his successor in the future. He has a huge ego and Dr. Krauthammer believes he is a narcissist.

MZ: He may well be a narcissist. I’m not sure on this one, in which case he’s not truly worldcentric, but just posing as such. This one is a jump ball. Jesus, that’s two possible points in one lecture?! That’s equal to six months of Fox News viewing. But thus far the only evidence for Obama’s narcissism is the typical ‘I want to be president’ brand, not unlike Gingrich, Santorum, Romney, or anyone else who’s sought office for the last two centuries. As for blaming it on Bush, let’s do that pesky math again: five of the top six policies that cost us all of our treasure in the last decade are Bush’s. So, I guess to be fair, he’s only 5/6 of our policy problem. But, hey, that 1/6 is Obama’s attempt to avoid a depression. Socialist!

Krauthammer’s 8th point: Republicans are in the wilderness for a while but will emerge strong. Republicans are pining for another Reagan but there will never be another like him. Krauthammer believes Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty & Bobby Jindahl (except for his terrible speech in February) are the future of the party. Newt Gingrich is brilliant but has baggage. Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent but needs to really be seriously boning up on facts and info if she is to be a serious candidate in the future. We need to return to the party of lower taxes, smaller government, personal responsibility, strong national defense and State’s Rights.

MZ: Deep in the wilderness? Dude, if they go any further into Mirkwood, I don’t think all the ents in entville could find them. Of course, I don’t think they’d even help you look. Another Reagan will not surface from this radical swamp. He would immediately be labeled a moderate and shunned by your batshit base. Reagan wasn’t really good for the economy. You’re just glossing up a turd. He raised taxes more than I would have liked and ran up the deficit way too much (not to mention secretly arming our soon to be enemies), so maybe he was too left of Obama? Foxeteers have moved so far to the Right, Cheney is starting to look like a Care Bear (the one with the rainbow coming out of his ass). The rest of us have only moved somewhat left out of pure disgust. In fact, I have moved further left after each and every news cycle as I recoil from this sickly Foxeteerian philosophy. Sigh-ilism? Wait, I got it, Transcend Mentalism? I’m going to work on that one.

As for your comment “Sarah Palin is sincere and intelligent”… Sir, please hand in your intellectual badge; it’s been revoked. She makes the angry petty cheerleaders I knew in the 7th grade seem like…er, the Governor of Alaska.

Krauthammer’s 9th point: The current level of spending is irresponsible and outrageous. We are spending trillions of dollars we don’t have. This could lead to hyperinflation, depression or worse. No country has ever spent themselves into prosperity. The media is giving Obama, Reid and Pelosi a pass because they love their agenda. But eventually the bill will come due and people will realize the huge bailouts didn’t work, nor will the stimulus package. These were trillion-dollar payoffs to Obama’s allies, unions and the Congress to placate the left, so he can get support for #4 above.

MZ: It’s true. We need to undo all of Bush’s policies, right now. I can’t think of any that will prove sustainable. Obama has ended the war in Iraq (one down) and hopefully he will end the war in Afghanistan soon (a 2nd coming soon). He cannot end the Bush tax cuts, no Child Left Behind, or the unfunded Medicare D drug supplemental program (not with a developmentally disabled Congress and Grover named-after-a-Muppet Norquist). The Dems would need both houses and the presidency to overturn the Bush laws. I generally prefer a split government, but if the center of gravity for the right remains where it is, as Horace Greely once said, GO LEFT, YOUNG MAN! I still want a viable third choice more than anything, but like that’s going to happen as both sides grow more radical.

Krauthammer’s 10th point: election was over in mid-September when Lehman brothers failed, fear and panic swept in, we had an unpopular President, and the war was grinding on indefinitely without a clear outcome. The people are in pain and the mantra of change caused people to act emotionally. Any Dem would have won this election; it was surprising it was as close as it was.

MZ: I agree. Meanwhile, I predicted we would not see another two term president for a long time as we swing wildly back and forth between R and D (and that’s not Research or Development) as our economy quakes. Or, as Fox News calls it, “the foundations of the economy are sound.” The Republicans should win in 2012, but they may prove way too incompetent for most independents. But I’m not holding my breath. Actually I am; they gutted a lot of EPA regs in my town. Cough.

Krauthammer’s 11th point: In 2012, if the unemployment rate is over 10%, Republicans will be swept back into power. If it’s under 8%, the Dems continue to roll. If it’s between 8-10%, it will be a dogfight. It will all be about the economy. I hope this gets you really thinking about what’s happening in Washington and Congress. There is a left-wing revolution going on, according to Krauthammer, and he encourages us to keep the faith and join the loyal resistance. The work will be hard but we’re right on most issues and can reclaim our country before it’s far too late.

MZ: I am happily a member of the loyal opposition. There really are differences between how D and R approach fixing our country. But what’s most appalling to me is how little the Right understands about how we got here. Pre our collapse, every graph known to man showed the Dems as the better budget balancers, yet the Right is running on fiscal conservatism? Still? In 2012? Their attempt at a third party, the Tea Party, is rightly a laughingstock. They have become the lackeys to the Hannitys of the world, so good riddance. There’s very little of the Conservative vision worth fighting for at this point. If this is the best you have, if this is your “intellectual” champion…umm, you just got beat by a comic spoof news blogger. You know, the usual.

Okay I didn’t ace the whole ‘no name calling thing.’ Let’s call it a work in progress.