St. Louis, MO—The children in Missouri are simply not proficient in math and science. Too often they fail to understand even the basic concepts their teachers are trying to convey. Missouri is not alone as many of our states are literally not making the grade.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Lube, said, “I have spoken to hundreds of teachers across the country and they all say the same thing. Sir, did you sign in at the front desk? Sir, where is your visitor’s badge? Sir, that’s the girl’s locker room.”

Teachers believe many of their students are ADD, ADHD, or display hyperactive traits depending on the time of day and their high-fructose-corn-syrup levels. They are behavioral train wrecks.

The good doctor’s solution? To add significant quantities of Ritalin to the school’s water supply. Dr. Hogbein believes the trick will be to reach a therapeutic dose without adding too much so our water supply becomes sellable on the black market.

“Hey, it worked with fluoride,” said Hogbein.

Whereas Dr. Hogbein’s plan is meeting considerable opposition, his initiative to Add-Xanax-to-Faculty-Water-Coolers has already been implemented.

Washington, DC—First Lady, Michelle Obama, is giving school menus a nutritional makeover. Critics claim this initiative is impacting a recent census on world hunger. Kids all over America are being added, quite unnecessarily, to those starving statistics.

Brussels sprouts were initially a welcome sight on cafeteria trays. “They make wonderful projectiles,” said one young delinquent. The tide, however, is turning as children are becoming hungrier and ornerier.

The new bread is described by one teacher as “stale multi-grain slabs of blandness.” Right before sticking two string beans into his nostrils, one student added, “We want our old bread back!”

In many states, hospitals are reporting a marked increase in tater tot related injuries. Violent food skirmishes, the likes of which have not been seen since the Midwood High Meatball Massacre of 1986, are reaching epidemic proportion, or as one principal put it, “None of our cafeteria workers are safe from pea to flinging pea.”

Michelle Obama responded to critics thusly, “Bread? Let them eat gluten free cake. Oh, and next we’re having unsweetened beets and a wholesome rhubarb concoction is now being stewed into a type of low fat, vitamin rich porridge.”

One 9^th grader told reporters, “They say I have to eat the rhubarb and I say, no, no, no.”

When asked if drone strikes will be considered against districts not in compliance with the First Lady’s standards, President Obama said, “No options are off the table…well, a lot of aerodynamic vegetables may be, but no options.”

Washington, DC—President Barack Obama admitted today he was high on Robitussin during the first presidential debate last week. His campaign is now scrambling to spin this story as best they can.

Obama told the press today, “Now I realize I let a lot of people down last week, but there are several reasons for my transgressions. One, I prepared for the debates while robotripping and it’s been proven through a psychological phenomenon called ‘in-state memory’ that I would remember more of what I learned back on the goods for the debate. Two, I did have a slight cough that day, which might account for the first two bottles. Three, my team is diligently working on a third reason, but I can assure you it will be incredibly convincing and should close the book on this case.”

The Obama campaign maintains drinking several bottles of cough medicine is much safer than the Nixon-Kennedy White Out sniffing debates of 1960—to say nothing of the Bush-Gore bath salts debacle of 2000.

“Not many people realize Gore tried to eat Bush’s face off after their first debate,” said Obama. “Now I’m not trying to make light of my actions, but other presidents ingested some crazy shit back in the day. I, unlike some of my predecessors, am trying to get high safely and responsibly.”

The Obama Administration is also standing by their claim the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 involved whiskey, mescaline, and inhaling an early form of furniture polish smuggled in on their handkerchiefs.

“Just sayin’,” said Obama, “that was some crazy ass shit.”

Danville, KY—After completely losing control of the first presidential debate on Wednesday, moderator Jim Lehrer will be replaced by one of the National Football League’s recently laid off referees. Although the name of the finalist is not known at this time, the Commission on Presidential Debates is hoping to appoint “that asshole who F-d up the end of that Packers’ game.”

A key member of the Commission’s board of directors, John C. Danforth, told reporters, “The NFL’s replacement refs are now currently unemployed and replacement is already in their names, so they were the obvious choice.”

Skeptics think this may be the worst idea since SNL’s Land Shark hosted the 1976 Debate, wherein the Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, Walter Mondale, was partially devoured in front of nearly 70-million horrified viewers.

When asked about replacing the most prominent presidential moderator in recent history, Danforth added, “Look, could you imagine if Lehrer loses control of the VP debate next week? Just picture Joe Biden making Bill Clinton look like Marcel Marceau!”

When asked who the hell is that, Danforth replied, “I don’t know any other mimes or mute people so…wait, wait, that fat director guy who was kicked out of that plane! Silent Rob!”

For only 14 dollars a month, Criminal Ancestry.com can help you uncover your relatives’ seedy past. Just fill in the form, including the names of all your relatives, and our database immediately connects you with thousands of local and national criminal background checks.  It will find, not only those names listed, but can tap into a surprising amount of distant family members’ shenanigans.  But don’t take our word for it (really, you shouldn’t).  Here’s one important fictional testimonial:

“I really didn’t know what to expect.  I followed the directions on the website and the next day I found out my great-great-grandfather was suspected of four rapes in two European countries.  Who forgot to tell me that at the last reunion?!”

But wait there’s more:  “I found out my own aunt has been selling her Valium,” said one woman.  “I was like ‘holy shit…what a contact!’ No more blowjobs in the subway for me.”

Criminal Ancestry.com is not only good for embarrassing people at family reunions and finding more convenient dealers, there are also important implications for the betterment of humanity.

“I highly recommend this site,” said one gentleman.  “It has really helped me better understand my own urges to kill.  I have gained acceptance of my actions through the perspective of hereditary impulses.  Now I can murder and devour as many people as I want, knowing it’s genetic and God wants me eat human flesh.”

Salt Lake City, UT—Mitt Romney told the press today, he didn’t expect to be able to answer any of the questions accurately in the upcoming presidential debates as, “They will not give me a transcript of the questions ahead of time.” Also, the Romney camp fears the mediator is not likely to focus on issues that concern real Americans, like freedom, or birth certificates, or rampant socialism.”

Mr. Romney also believes he will likely lose the election this November, but hopes to help the GOP hold onto the House and win the Senate by “not saying anything to anyone ever again.”

On a side note, he told the press, “And I’m not likely to maintain my mojo in the bedroom. Keeping my wife satisfied without the aid of those little blue pills is becoming an increasing concern for Ann and me.” When asked if that was a joke, he replied, “For those who question my current sense of humor, yes, but for those who might vote for me out of pity then, no. Oh, and have I mentioned how much I care about poor Hispanic people? Please relay to your readers how I transitioned to my concerned face.”

London, Eng—In some misguided attempt at youthful exuberance, Prince Charles, not to be outdone, stripped down to his family jewels and bolted through downtown London yesterday. This copycat stunt comes in the wake of Prince Harry’s Vegas shenanigans and Princess Kate’s Paparazzi-style topless photos.

Prince Charles told reporters, “It seems the Royal Family is on a bit of a streak, heh, heh. Why should young people have all the fun? I’m sick of the “Dirty” Prince Harry jokes and the Duchess of Shamebridge nonsense. So I decided to do a little saber rattling myself, nudge, nudge. I thought about jumping in the Thames naked, but it’s rather thick this time of year. Then I considered riding my horse naked through the city, but then I thought ‘too Lady Godiva’. That’s when I came up with the idea to just go on a jogging naked barcrawl kind of thing.”

When asked if this constituted proper behavior for a Prince, Charles said, “I am the naked man formerly known as Prince. Besides, Big Ben’s got nothing on me, bitches!” He then continued his awkward jog west toward a structure now referred to as IntheBuffingham Palace.

Her Majesty the Queen was unavailable for comment as she is scheduled to bungee jump from Tower Bridge, er…you know.

Salt Lake City, UT—After watching every national poll sink to new lows, Republican nominee, Mitt Romney, held a press conference today with some of his friends, family and select members of the lame stream media. After Romney’s facial expression flip-flopped from a smirk to a frown to a sneery kind of sob, he asked those gathered to bow their heads with him in silence.

“Dear Lord,” he said, “I tried…I tried to do what was right for our lobbyists, I mean our capitalists, I mean our denizen, citizens! That’s it, citizens. Heck, I’m just glad I didn’t say parasites this time…SHIT!!!!” Romney then menopaused, paused. That’s it, he paused, before continuing, “I love this country, especially the parts I own, and I just wanted to give everyone a chance to serve…wait, to see the true spirit of vulturism, I mean autism…umm, altruism…”

The Romney campaign later clarified he meant entrepreneurialism and also argued his comment later in the speech about most Americans being “homeless scum” was taken completely out of context.

Those who attended the press conference were struck with the realization that he really doesn’t have a personality or a policy to speak of. Whereas his ‘Mitt Rominee’ joke did muster some laughs, a hush quickly fell on the crowd when he announced his new Vice Presidential running mate, Groucho Rubio.

The Romney campaign later corrected it to Marco Rubio and stated this was not a flip flop. “Mr. Romney just thought he could have more than one Vice President,” said his campaign manager, Matt Rhoades. “He kept insisting he could afford several. But I can assure you, the Mittinator understands he can only choose one VP per election. After all, Pawlentamy isn’t legal…er, polygamy.”

Come on! That was our first Mormon/polygamy joke, work with us here!

Maya, MX—Yes, it’s finally here, folks! The Mayans have released their next ‘long count calendar’ less than 100 days before the old calendar is set to expire. The Maya have come under considerable scrutiny in recent years for singlehandedly increasing anxiety levels across the globe. Many connected the lack of the next Mayan calendar with some type of global apocalypse.

The Maya are pushing back. “We have always released the calendar right before the other one expires,” said the Mayan God of Freezing Drizzle, Hunab Kuu. “It’s how it’s always been done. Doesn’t anyone remember this shit?”

When asked why they never bothered to quell fears, or even let people know about the next calendar’s pending release, Kuu said, “If you had a 5,126 year calendar to produce, would you have any spare time!?” He then let out a string of Mayan expletives not heard since the day his people realized the Spanish Conquistadors were not the old teachers from heaven.

When asked if their feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, is going to return this December, Kuu replied, “Yeah, but he isn’t going to destroy the world or anything. He’s just a snow bird, really. It gets awfully nasty on Venus this time of year. He’ll party for awhile and then go home. Sure he’s going to break some shit when he gets really drunk, but it’s hardly going to be a world ending event. Hail Yig!”