Tampa Bay, FL—In November of 2012, Ana Gutierrez was arrested for jumping on and riding a sea cow off the western coast of Florida. The sea cow, or manatee as it is known to its fellow sea creatures, is currently protected under Florida law. Today a judge threw the book at Gutierrez and banished her to Atlantis, or Davey Jones’ locker, or Mickey Dolenz’ wet bar (we’re sure it’s one of those). She was also ordered to pay a $500 fine and participate in a 200 hour Manatee Offender Program.

“The Manatee Offender Program (MOP) is designed to rehabilitate those who just can’t seem to stay the F off the manatees,” said Jacqueline Roth, President of the Sea Cow Liberation League. “President Obama is throwing tons of money at frivolous social programs so we thought, why not?”

Even if and when Gutierrez completes the program, she is never permitted in Sea World again without an escort and under no circumstances is she to “tap the glass”. For those of you who thought a warning would have sufficed, Roth had this to say, “We believe strongly that manatee riding is a slippery slope to dolphin humping. Dolphin humping has plagued our oceans since time immemorial and we mean to put an end to all sea mammal molestation (SMM).”

The Daily Discord’s Cokie McGrath added, “Is any of that $500 fine going to that manatee or its family? I don’t think so. Why don’t we just let Manatee Protective Services take care of these situations and stop wasting tax payer dollars?”

The Sea Cow Liberation League responded with perhaps one of the Discord’s worst jokes of the week… “Oh, the hu-manatee!”

Kidding, we’ve had worse.

London, GB—The English Royals are having some considerable monetary issues at this time and believe desperate times call for desperate measures. Buckingham Palace has nearly 800 rooms and many of them remain unoccupied for much of the year. So in an effort to generate some much needed revenue and help parallel some of the rest of the country’s austerity measures, the royal family decided to rent out 450 palace rooms. Nearly 400 of the rooms have been leased to students from the South Kensington Campus of nearby Imperial London College. Thus far the arrangement has not been without its complications.

“We hope the fire extinguisher incident in the Throne Room is an isolated occurrence,” said Her Majesty the Queen. “I can also assure you, any and all underage drinking in the King’s Library will immediately cease or those responsible will be thrown into the dungeon!”

The Queen was later forced to retract her statement as the dungeon is currently being rented out as an S&M club and adult shoppe.

The Queen also warned students today, “The Palace Guards have been given permission to punch the next person who attempts to drape any intimate women’s apparel on them. That shall be quite enough of that.”

Furthermore, the Queen denies any and all rumors involving Windsor Castle being turned into a Bed & Breakfast.

“It’s preposterous,” said the Queen, “at least not until we sell all the historic shit on EBay and totally redecorate, IKEA-style.”

Washington, DC—Research from the Virtual Viagra Group (VVG) indicates zombie and other monster-related-violence (OMRV) has reached an all time high. Studying over five hundred children, VVG discovered zombie abuse was highly prevalent amongst those children locked into their laboratories without food or water for many weeks. (Please don’t call CPS.)

Many fear the professional-hit-style murders are becoming almost instinctual. Through a psychological mechanism known as imprinting, researchers fear the “zombie head shot” will become even more automatic for future generations.

“You’ve heard of the Three Fs, right?” said VVG’s CEO Joy Gropstein. “Food, Fornicating, and Foosball? Well, humanity is changing through subtle DNA mutations. In essence, we are adding another F.”

VVG is diligently trying to work the words “zombie head shot” into another F, but despite their surge in funding have yet to satisfactorily wordsmith in this new addition. Gropstein has not ruled out changing the letter outright, “We’re thinking about the Three Ss: sustenance, sex, and shooting zombies. That’s all we got, but whatever we end up calling it we need to understand how our trigger-happy children may mistakenly shoot an injured homeless person, or perhaps someone simply on bathsalts and devouring the face of a friend.”

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, couldn’t agree more, “Kids will shoot at zombie-like things first and ask questions later. Frankly, we don’t know enough about zombie behavior to make sweeping judgments. Picture the zombie just trying to drag home a corpse for his family? Now what are those hungry little mouths supposed to do? A percentage of zombies may even be vegetarian, who could perhaps be employed to devour the weeds in our lawns and gardens. What about zombies who are limbless or so grossly decomposed that they pose no threat to society? Our murderous children are going to shoot them all in the head, indiscriminately!”

Washington, DC—Inauguration Ceremonies for our forty somethingth President was apropos for a once great nation in decline. For many the highlight was seeing deceased actor Leslie Neilson taking the stage with Christina Aguilera for the singing of our National Anthem. Neilson, still not entirely himself since his death in 2010, waved stiffly to the crowd before shouting, “And don’t call me Shirley!” When the cheers finally abated the two preceded to butcher the Star-Spangled Banner.

“At one point I was singing the second verse and she was singing the third,” said Neilson. “You can’t plan for that sort of thing. You just feel it in your groin and you go with it. And then later, when your groin stops hurting, you just laugh your ass off until your groin starts hurting again.”

When someone asked if Francis Scott Key was spinning somewhere in his grave, Nielson smiled and said, “I’ll let you know.”

Aguilera then took the mic and said, “I am so honored to be here on the same day when such a great black man was finally silenced.”

A confused hush fell on the crowd after her statement—the hush was only broken when the jumbo screen finally zoomed over to Miss Teen USA 2007, who said, “The U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children and stuff.”

Then as Barack and Michelle Obama finally made their way to the podium, Kanye West fought his way through throngs of guests and secret service agents alike before saying, “Yo Obama, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but that Mormon guy had the best campaign ever! He should be President!”

Washington, DC—Sweeping gun regulations became the law of the land as Obama gutted the Constitution like a fish yesterday. “A two hundred and twenty something year old fish,” added Obama, before demanding Ted Nugent and his orc-hunting minions hand over their weapons within 48 hours or risk being added to the “drone death list.”

While peeking his head above the children, Obama said, “I’m making a list and checking it twice…I don’t know why I didn’t do this over Christmas. You’ll shoot your eye out kid. It’s a Wonderful Law. Miracle on AK-47 Street! Have a holly jolly background check. Damn it, I have a million of ‘em.”

Upon announcing all 214 new gun law edicts, Obama ordered Charlton Heston exhumed. Then, to the horror of onlookers, he tore back the coffin lid and confiscated the actor’s rifle from his….well, you know. It was a move the President admitted was “slightly impulsive,” and then later blamed his actions on being “caught up in the moment.”

Critics claim Obama cowered behind droves of small children during his speech, which many felt hindered their chances for a kill shot. When Obama said Republican gun owners will likely agree with common sense measures for gun control, the crowd burst into laughter. Obama later admitted he was struggling with using that joke or going with some “pull my trigger-finger” variation.

Rep. Steve Stockman said, “He completely lost me when he said he’s considering enforcing existing gun laws. What kind of a crazy asshole thinks that’s a good idea? Only 40% of gun sales happen without a background check, so what’s the problem? Hell, the approval rating for Congress is in single digits, so 40% looks pretty good from here.” Stockman, who is threatening to impeach the President on grounds of his high IQ, hastily ended the interview to return to his Ramen-noodle filled bunker (RNFB).

Whereas the Discord wants the President to consider our Turn Your Guns into Food Stamps program, we condemn his decision to use children as human shields. He should have considered hiring small people instead, which may well be an affront to munchkins…er, which is an affront to donuts…of either the sprinkled, non-sprinkled or glazed variety. I’m being told to stop.

Houston, TX—The Mayan God, Quetzalcoatl, may be late, but it looks like he’s still coming to dinner…and you’re the dinner! With new images acquired from the Hubble Telescope, NASA is not ruling out the Mayan God’s arrival or even the Mayan Apocalypse itself! And that’s good news for people who are frankly sick of this shit. NASA is tracking the Feathered Serpent’s progress as he plunders his way through the nearby Andromeda Galaxy, while searching for fire-targets, food, and followers—or “the other three Fs” as they are known to Mayan psychologists.

NASA’s chief technologist, Mason Peck, said, “With his current progress, we expect Quetzalcoatl to pass the Ort Cloud at the edge our solar system by January 25^th and we should have a cozy little world ending event some time during the first week in February. As the giant creature enters our atmosphere and incinerates large sections of our continent, it should be a great show. But don’t worry about us. We’ll be deep inside a nuclear bunker.”

NASA hopes to hand over the reins to NORAD as the Mayan God enters the Earth’s atmosphere. NORAD is excited to track the giant reptile’s progress as he lays waste to city after city.

“It will sure be more interesting than tracking Santa,” said Lieutenant General, Alain Parent. “Santa Claus just left Peoria, blah, blah, blah.”

Alex Bone, a key spokesman for Quetzalcoatl, said, “I received a transmission from Quetzalcoatl, or as I call him, My Lord Yig, while binge drinking over at Hops On Birch. He wanted to let the people of Earth know he is not late, the Mayans simply forgot to carry the one, or something.”

Bone regrets his decision to run drunk and naked through the streets of Flagstaff, Arizona during the days prior to his master’s original arrival date.

“That’s not actually very different from how I usually spend my weekends,” said Bone. “So no harm done.”

Moscow—In an attempt to appear even more ruthless, Russian President Vladimir Putin has taken it upon himself to end the lives of kittens and puppies all across Russia and beyond. Putin told the press today his decision to end America’s chances to adopt Russian children did not go far enough.

“I wanted to really show people and their pets who is boss,” said Putin. “I am so sick of placating little children and little animals. In the KGB I used to get to torture people, on the clock so to speak. Assad gets to mow down his own people over in Syria and even the U.S. has enhanced interrogation techniques over in Guantanamo. What do I get? Bupkis. That’s a good Russian word stolen by the Jews! It means jack shit.”

Putin spent the last several weeks going from town to town obliterating animal shelters with a Russian Black Eagle tank. The animals that were not killed by the collapsing buildings or the tank’s deadly treads were gunned down by mounted machine guns. “I hunted them down like dogs, literally,” said Putin.

For phase III of Project: Putin’s Package Overdrive the Russian President plans to comb his country’s schools in the hopes of bullying children. “I would swipe their glasses off their noses, throw them to the ground, and step on them,” said Putin. “Then I would knock the books out of their hands and stick their pocket protectors down their pants. And let me assure you, the KGB wedgie is the worst wedgie of all.”

Putin is currently denying allegations the recent rash of “Old People Tipping” occurring throughout Russia is part of his diabolical scheme to appear manly.

Washington, DC—In the final days, the fiscal cliff negotiations became desperate, petty and vindictive—or the “Full Palin” as it is now known inside the beltway. When the President suggested they decide tax rates with the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, Boehner countered with, “I think Fisties would be best.”

Obama then stormed out of the room and played golf. When they met again in November Obama said, “How about we decide which game will determine cuts and revenues with a game of finger football?”

Speaker Boehner told the press that day, “The President isn’t serious about averting this crisis.”

With only a week before the deadline a more conciliatory Obama said, “Fine, you can choose how we choose the game to choose the cuts and tax thing.”

Boehner replied, “I think my four friends will decide, Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Mo,” which caused Obama to liken them to the Four Riders of the Apocalypse before storming off to play more golf and drink.

Boehner later argued, “Any game other than Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo to pre-determine the game to decide our finances would not pass the House…except cookie catcher. I love that shit!”

Obama, having never heard of that shit, suggested pocket pool as he felt he could “get a hole in one”. After an aide explained what that meant, an embarrassed Obama left for more golf in Hawaii.

Boehner told Obama, “The GOP will not even consider Rock, Paper, Scissors unless their Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo proposal was approved.”

A sobbing Obama finally conceded and Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo led to Rock, Paper, Scissors, which led to a last minute deal that averted the fiscal cliff. Whew! However, many fear we will not get out of this debt ceiling thing without some serious thumb wrestling. Best of three, minimum.

Philadelphia, PA—The Daily Discord, in conjunction with Ronco Linguistics, has created a 24-CD set that will leave you King of the Starbuck’s line. Do you want to order an extra pump caramel macchiato frappe latte? If you took our course, you’d know just how stupid that makes you sound! But don’t take our word for it. No, really…you shouldn’t. Here are some real live testimonies we totally made up:

“Within the first week I knew that venti meant large, which is stupid, but it really helps when you’re ordering on a line that’s out the flippin’ door.”

And, “Don’t you hate the way the baristas correct you? Well, never again! You know, when you try to order a ‘medium’ and they say, oh, you mean our…umm, sorry, what’s a medium called again? I forgot.”

Not convinced? Well, here’s what happened to The Discord’s Ghetto Shaman after taking our course. “Ah, dude, we said you can’t come in here. My manager told me to call the cops if you don’t leave.”

Still not convinced? How about meeting someone who passed our advanced course?

“I walked up and ordered a triple grande, three-pump peppermint, salted, caramel mocha”!# and the Discord editors had no f^*&ing idea how to even grammar check that shit! I think someone even had a breakdown. But my barista understood.”

And, “For the first time in my life I knew the power of being a yuppie-wannabe. I could finally take control over my ten dollar per coffee purchases (PCP) and so can you.”

Shame on the Starbucks line can be long-lasting. It can even lead to something called Post Traumatic Starbuck’s Disorder (PTSD), which leaves many afraid to even approach a Starbuck’s counter. Don’t be left out in the dark roast. Order your CD set today and we will double your offer! Yes, all…what’s 24 times two? CDs shipped directly to your house for the low low price of $1,456. For the price of only about a hundred coffees, you too can turn shame into a false self-righteous arrogance today.

Spartansburg, SC—CEO of Denny’s, Miller Johnson, is denying allegations that hobbit meat has turned up in several of his restaurant’s menu items. Many fear the illegal use of hobbit meat in any food product has willfully been ignored by key administrators. A whistleblower, ironically a dwarf named Borinaxe Whistleblower, believes the Denny’s organization is using Hobbit meat to augment their already prominent vats of pink-slime-filled products.

Denny’s is on the defensive and their President is currently denying any and all such allegations. Mr. Johnson told the press to “shove it in their hobbit holes” when he was questioned about the main ingredient in his Shire Sausage skillet.

Johnson told the press today, “There is only one Denny’s in New Zealand that is under investigation at this time. You can’t hold me responsible for the wrongdoings of one of my stores! We have a shireload of them, though I have never actually counted. I have people for that. Look, I try to conduct on-site inspections whenever possible, but this store is, like, millions of miles away! I would have to gather a fellowship, some collection of wizards and warriors, and march to blah, blah, blah. Look, I want to get to the Bilbo…er, to the bottom of this as much as anyone. Besides, hobbit meat is all stringy. You would have to slather it with condiments and syrup, which is what we recommend for all of our products. Why don’t you turn this media attention back where it belongs, to that Papa John’s asshole? I hear his “everything pizza” has levels of ringwraith the FDA finds totally unacceptable. Talk about stringy meat. Nothing like a thousand year old dead king on your everything, eh? Not to mention if you’re stuffing a slice in your face and manage to get a ring, yikes. At least we use plump, juicy little…..sorry, miles away.”