Los Angeles, CA – Dr. Conrad Murray is admittedly denying claims that his prescribing practices contributed to the pop legend’s recent death.

“This is America,” said Dr. Murray, “everyone is on downers.”

Dr. Murray believes that Americans have built up an incredibly high tolerance to benzodiazepines and pain pills.

“It’s in our water system for crying out loud.”

The doctor believes the old med regiments just weren’t making a dent in our neurotic noggins.

Dr. Murray went on to say that, “Higher doses make any beer consumption extra dangerous, or in Michael’s case Big Jug Extra dangerous.”

When the Discord’s own Bald Tony pointed out that Jackson’s BAC was zero and that the Big Jug Extra reference was merely a cheap Discord yuck-yuck from an earlier faux article, Dr. Murray refused to comment.  The doctor does hope that his stock in Astra Zeneca will not suffer for the incident and hopes the drug rep luncheon is still on for Tuesday.

Furthermore, Dr. Murray sends his condolences to the Jackson Four and added, “If you don’t sue, bitches, you can have my script pad.”

Los Angeles, CA — Jesus, Osiris, and Krishna all have their own resurrection myths associated with them.  Heck even Dionysus came back from the dead, but in all fairness he just might have had a three day hangover.  Michael Jackson, not to be out done, has thrown his own crown of thorns into the ring, so to speak.  It is believed Jackson rose from the dead on June 28^th to some stunningly choreographed dance numbers.  Critics report most were borrowed from Thriller.  Jackson’s doctor reports the zombie-pop-star (ZPS) finished his set, demanded his glove, his plastic surgeon, and a bucket of Demerol.

Jackson went on to say, “This should qualify me for my own religion, and where is my Demerol?!”

Jackson then devoured several of the hospital staff’s brains before signing a few autographs for some lucky fans—then he devoured their brains as well.

Washington, DC – President Obama announced today Al Qaeda’s latest plot against the homeland.  The CIA has gathered intelligence that suggests a well conceived plan to fly our own eagles, kamikaze style, into several important American flags.  British Intelligence agencies also believe this is a credible threat.  Al Qaeda is casing over four hundred flag poles located in high profile locations scattered across the United States.  It’s a plan that President Obama describes as “truly heinous.”  Young and impressionable eagles are captured and trained in Al Qaeda terrorist camps within the U.S. They are then loaded with C-4 and trained to fly into pre-designated flag poles.

“The synchronized attacks are not meant to weaken our economy, as that would be cruel,” said President Obama.  “No, these attacks are meant to do far worse.  They are meant to strike at the very nationalistic fiber that runs through our collective conscience.”

When asked to explain that last teleprompted statement, Obama declined and instead discussed his new puppy, what’sis name. 

Ed McMahon’s only regret is dying two days after Farrah Fawcett.

“Oh, I would have welcomed her to heaven with open arms…Heeeere’s Farrah!  It would have been glorious,” joked McMahon.

He also reports his first job went smoothly enough.

“Michael Jackson gave me a high five and moon walked into paradise.”

God has apparently grown bored with St. Peter, whose own greeting ‘Hi Ho’ was dull and kind of a Kermit the Frog rip off.  In fact, Jim Henson thought the greeting was personalized for him and has since been bitching about copyright violations.

“Besides,” said God. “When you spend a lifetime trying to do the right thing, you should be greeted to heaven with, well, Ed does it best.”

God admits that Ed McMahon was slated to die in 2012 but a recent argument with St. Peter forced God’s hand, so to speak.

“The new job is great,” claims McMahon, but he admits to some early glitches.  The other day he greeted Billy Mays as, “Here’s that Oxy Clean guy.”  Mays was not amused.  McMahon admits there are still some bugs to work out. “And St. Peter’s is still being kind of a dick about the whole thing.”

The Bush legacy doesn’t end with My Pet Goat.  A new book, even longer and with more words, is hailed as the closest thing to a Bush triumph.

The former President admits it’s “on the long side, but is much better than that Oliver Stone book.”

Mr. Bush thought long and hard on the title for his autobiography. The struggle for a title tugged at the core of the Bush’s being, and the effort marks the beginning and the end of his actual contributions.

“I’m still not sure if I should have gone with Clearing Brush,” said the former President to our own Cokie McGrath.  Mr. Bush went on to say, “I like clearing brush.”

He then wandered off and started clearing brush. Somehow this reporter can’t help but think: “who pulled this man away from his golf, his baseball, and his brush clearing escapades? And can charges still be pressed against those individuals?”

Phoenix, AZ – The Daily Discord’s own Mick Zano was interrogated shortly after the explosion, in Garner, NC, of a Slim Jim Jerky Plant.  Mr. Zano became a ‘person of interest’ after one of his recent articles eerily foreshadowed events on June 8^th at ConAgra foods.  Zano claims his condemnation of all jerky products only days before the massive explosion was merely “an unfortunate coincidence.”

Zano went on to say, “Think about it, if somebody doesn’t like abortion clinics, they wouldn’t go around blowing them up.”

No one has seen or heard from Mr. Zano since that last statement and rightly so.

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is on the record as stating, “I will do everything in my power to see that Mick receives a fair execution.”

As much as Winslow finds Zano “morally reprehensible,” the prospect of promoting the Crank to head comedy writer fills him with an even deeper dread.  Furthermore, Mr. Winslow denies allegations that he has contacted the Jerky Boys for legal counsel.

San Diego, CA – During a conference on Universal Healthcare in San Diego earlier today, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Minute Mart, unveiled the above map. Created from over fifty cans of SPAM, the map is a cryptic warning of things to come.

“This is what our planet is going to look like by 2014!” shouted Hogbien to a stunned crowd of healthcare professionals.

Among a list of wild assertions, Hogbien insists that Spam is to blame for the current global pandemic. Witnesses report the aged archeologist belted out Monty Python’s Spam song as he was hauled away by hotel security.  The Obama Administration has not released any statement on the matter. CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is calling for a boycott of all Spam related products, “just in case.”  When asked about his life-sized Spam sculpture fountain that typically adorns the annual employee picnic, Winslow became highly agitated.  He started reciting excerpts of Churchill’s speech and then stapled his tie to his forehead.  President Obama has failed to comment on that too.

Modesto, CA — At a local nature preserve a sadistic cryptozoologist, Dr. Derek Twinge, was found plucking the feathers off of a recently discovered spotted owl.  Since the bird’s rescue, park rangers have affectionately named the owl Athena (named after the Greek Goddess of owls.  Wikipedia down! Someone help!). The forty-seven year old cryptozoologist is said to have incessantly tortured the bird with a pair of forceps and several Baywatch episodes over the course of the last several years.

“It’s just fun…the torture, not the Baywatch episodes,” clarified Twinge.

Dr. Twinge faces seventeen counts of animal cruelty, most of which can be attributed to the particular Baywatch episodes in question.