Isleworth, Fl—Apparently, it does. First it makes a sound like a golf club repeatedly hitting a windshield, then it makes a sound like crackling fiberglass and splintering wood.   This account comes from a family of squirrels, who, now homeless, are filing a civil suite against the Woods-es-es. 

The Daily Discord is the first major sponsor to be dropping Mr. Woods as a direct result of the incident.

“I can no longer support him,” said the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow.  “A Cadillac, Tiger?  Ram your Toyota Corolla into every damn tree in Florida, but I will not endorse a golf guy who can not drive a Caddy (pardon the golf pun). Besides, who drives around at 2:30AM sober?  There should be a law against that.”

Mr. Winslow also went on to tell the press his intentions to marry Mrs. Woods.

“But when you email me, Elin, please say you’re technical support, or something.  Talk in an Indian accent…Not Hopi, you stupid git, India Indians.  Think of Apu from the Simpsons. Wait, my wife’s coming.  Act casual, say nothing.”

Valley stream, NY–All went well at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart during Black Friday’s early morning stampedes.

“We’re proud of our crowd control efforts this year,” said Wal-Mart store manager Patty Davy.  “Only a couple of people clawed and kicked for the last Zhu Zhu Hamsters and it certainly was all fun and games until someone lost an eye in aisle seven.”

The store credits the smooth operation on changing the traditional uniforms to Clockwork Orange-style and management’s decision to arm their staff with live cattle prods.

“It also helped that no one had any actual money to spend this year,” said Davy.  “It took the edge off.”

Not all opinions were positive, however.

“It’s the busiest shopping day of the year,” said Nancy Mullens of Valley Stream.  “You have to expect a few causalities of Wal (COWs).”

Another complaint came from Jon Heffron of Long Beach, “Look, this is as close to the Running of the Bulls as I’m going to get in this economy, and I wasn’t even shoved once this morning.”

Other shoppers shared this negative view.

“Black Friday should have an element of danger to it,” said Frankie Devito of Elmont. “When a lifeguard yells ‘shark’, we’re the kind of people who go into the water and drag the bitch onto land and beat it to death with our children.  I mean, not for nothun’, this is Long Island.  Fuck’em if they can’t take a tramplin’.”

Manager Davy responded to the criticism, “It’s true a lot of people wanted to kick it up a notch anyway this year but, out of respect for the dead, we decided to nix having our shoppers climb over mannequins dressed as Wal-Mart greeters.  But next year expect a move toward the stampedes of old, so pack your steal toed boots, bitches!”

Wal-Mart corporate headquarters hopes to ease back into the violent shopping sprees with a trial run in the spring called Tear Gas Tuesday and their Mauled at the Mall Barbie line is set for release in early Fall.   

Washington, DC – It was history in the making when Senator Lindsey Graham nailed Attorney General Eric Holder’s skinny ass on national television.  It was so cool that I still can’t stand up without bustin’ a zipper. Doing his best “Ahm frum thu south ahn ah tahlk like a Looney Tunes roo-stuh”, Senator Graham asked Holder all the questions he couldn’t possibly answer. The following is an exact quote (but, keep in mind, I was on cold medicine at the time).

“Well now, Ah-say ah-say yah cain’t take a prizzonnuh on the battlefield, interruhgate his ass for ye-uhs without Mirandizin hium, and send hium tuh a Federal cowert fo ah civil triuhl without they-uh being some question as to the legality of the whole sichiashun. That is, uh, unless one wuz to assume they-uh was some unduhlyin agenda for embarassin a previous President to deflect from the current state of affaiuhs, unduhmiuhnin the CIA and our brave boys in unifo-uhm, and possible getting the bastuhds owff on uh technicality. Fuythuhmo-er, If ya start Mirandizin all the prizzonuhs you take on thuh battlefield, that don’t leave a whole lot of wayz or tahm fo-er the CIA to get its intelligence, now does-ah-say-does it, mistuh Holder?”

That was good for me.  Was it good for you?

Washington, DC—After some brutal negotiations with Chinese officials, President Obama announced to the press he saved the U.S. both the twenty-five dollar annual fee, plus two fifty-dollar late payment charges.  Granted, no progress was made on refinancing or renegotiating our country’s annual percentage rate with our Chinese overlords, but the Obama Administration is hailing this trip as a “major victory.” 

“That’s just the beginning,” said Obama’s Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner. “If we transfer our debt over to the EU, they are promising us no interest until 2010!” 

When the Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent, Bald Tony, pointed out how that was only a few weeks from now, Geithner furrowed his brow and stared down at his Blackberry.

“I would much rather shift our impossibly high debt to Europe,” said Obama.  “After all, they just got me that Peace Prize thingie.  It’s the least we can do.”    

By shifting the U.S. debt to Europe, Obama hopes, “The United States can continue to pay the minimum balance, which should bring the Federal deficit to manageable levels by…what century is Star Trek supposed to take place?”

Obama is denying plans to hang an Interest Accomplished banner across the White House lawn to commemorate his historic visit.

“I don’t want to repeat my predecessor’s mistakes,” said Obama.  “I am content to make a whole slew of new ones.”

Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas, shocked the world by announcing he will not seek reelection. During a meeting on November 6th, Abbas suddenly broke into the famous Groucho Marx song, “Hello, I must be going…” 

When asked why the Palestinian leader was bowing out, he said, “My name is too much like the pop band Abba.  It’s becoming an unnecessary distraction.”

He went on to say how he wanted the people of Palestine to get back to the people’s business, “You know, huddling in fear and lobbing random mortars toward Israel.” 

When asked about the toughest part of his job, he said, “Well, following a creep like Arafat was tough.  His name came with much less baggage.  Sure he was fat and fat was in his name, but at least people didn’t call him ‘The Dancing Queen.’”

Philadelphia, PA – The Bible warns of a powerful leader and a false prophet who would one day rise to power under the direction of ‘Our Lord’ Satan.  It is prophesized that this unholy trio would ultimately bring about both the destruction of the world, as well as alternate street parking (not necessarily in that order). The Daily Discord’s own CEO, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that he and his trusty sidekick, the Ghetto Shaman, have been covertly enriching weapons grade uranium in the back of Winslow’s 1985 Ford Granada. 

“That’s just crazy,” said Winslow, while laughing in a fake, unconvincing kind of way.  “Besides, I own a 1986 Ford Granada.”

If the Discord is successful in obtaining a nuclear device, experts warn it could trigger an unprecedented virtual arms race that would quickly spread across the blogosphere.  The above picture is believed to be the actual Discord weapons facility, or a close replica, or possibly a Neolithic bird sanctuary. 

“If the Daily Discord were to obtain such a device,” said Winslow,  “we would do what any good ezine would—nuke Facebook!“

Sedona, AZ – The murder investigation of a sweat lodge ceremony responsible for the deaths of three people on October 8th is currently shifting focus.  Self-help guru, James Arthur Ray, is now pointing to the Daily Discord’s own Ghetto Shaman as the designer of the faulty sweat lodge.  The Ghetto Shaman, known for his cutting edge new age sex crimes, is believed to have sold Ray the Acme sweat lodge construction kit that directly led to the fiasco in Sedona. 

The Ghetto Shaman is still at large but has sent a message to the media via the Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow: “Could you send me money, dude?  Need to lay low for a while.  I’m on the lamb.  I am humping the lamb right now.  Oh, oh, oh, yeah….oh baby.  Send money, bitch!”

Pierce Winslow has replied to his wayward employee: “Turn yourself in.  Do the right thing.”

But the post script is what has peeked the authorities’ curiosity. “P.S. – The check-ski is in the mail-ski.  Oh, and your column-ski is now due-ski, bitch-ski.”

Winslow stated he will fully cooperate with authorities in bringing the controversial Shaman to justice-ski. 

Nowhere, AZ – Doctors ended Mick Zano’s dream of live-blogging Fox News for an unprecedented 24 hour period.  The session ended thirty-seven minutes into the blog fest, when the attending physician, Dr. Sterling Hogbien of the Hogbien Institute and Casino, observed something akin to a psychotic break. The doctor reported that halfway through the show Hannity, Mr. Zano experienced several bouts of maniacal giggling before slipping into a dangerously delusional state.

When asked why the plug was not pulled earlier, Dr. Hogbien stated, “Maniacal giggling and delusions are not far off Zano’s baseline.  When he watches Fox News there are always mood swings, anxiety, and a significant rise in blood pressure, particularly when Sarah Palin is mentioned.” 

Dr. Sterling Hogbien told authorities he only went ahead with the experiment after Zano assured him that watching Fox News for increasingly long periods of time had not resulted in any adverse reactions.

“We certainly would never have attempted this had we known what a quivering pile of Jello he would become” said Hogbien. 

When asked if Fox News is dangerous to the general public, Dr. Hogbien said, “Certainly not.  In small doses it is something to be enjoyed, like alcohol.  But too much and, well, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for Foxual activity.”

Washington, DC – President Obama injected yet another massive bundle of imaginary cash into the U.S. economy this week.  These funds, now nearly as potent as the Canadian what-ever-the-hell-they-use, are slated to help the President’s own sinking poll numbers.  The Obama Administration is hoping the proposed two-hundred billion dollars will help propel our ailing commander-and-chief back above a fifty-percent approval rating. 

“I’m a narcissist who could become highly unstable if I’m not well-received,” said Obama.

He then reminded everyone of his access to a certain big red button that just “might get pressed if anyone gives me any shit about this.”

Obama hopes the sorely needed cash can repair the damage to his currently waning ‘stupid police’ vote, his limping ‘Jerry’s Kids’ vote, and his ever slipping ‘guns and religion clinging hickwad’ vote.

“Repairing my public relations missteps won’t come cheap,” said Obama.  “But my plan to place Joe ‘Gaffey’ Biden on damage control should turn this ship around.”

Economists across the country warn that damage control to reverse Vice President Biden’s attempt at damage control could more than double our deficit.  The Obama Administration’s economic team is downplaying this claim, but admits the next stimulus package to undo Biden’s impact will be “gi-fucking-normous.”