Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Obama’s Economic Team Seen Entering Cash Advance Establishment

Obama staff members coming and going from Advance Cash

Washington, DC – President Obama has refused to comment on the picture, seen here, of the President, along side of his top economic advisors, entering a notorious south D.C. cash advance establishment.  Obama also denied allegations he is supplementing the Federal Reserve in such a manner. When specifically questioned about his whereabouts last weekend, Obama said everything from “blowing loads of cash in Las Vegas” to “hiking the Appalachian Trail with Senator Sanford.”  None of the stories checked out, however.  Last weekend, Bald Tony was in Vegas ‘blowing loads of cash’ and the Ghetto Shaman was hiking the Appalachian Trail naked. Neither report seeing Obama at these locations.

When confronted by the press, Obama said, “Look, you might see me going into a cash advance place, but you’re not going to find a picture of me leaving with any cash.  Have you seen the United States’ credit score lately?”

Obama is also denying allegations he was spotted at a pawn shop with the East Room portrait of George Washington.  When reporters noticed the empty wall this week, Obama explained he was simply having the missing picture shampooed.  When questioned why he is still wearing the Groucho Marx mustache/glasses combo, Obama pretended not to hear the question and ended the press conference.

Revenge of “Another Discord Apology”

Pierce Winslow

The source of our recent article Dalai Lama Tells China to “Take a Fucking Chill Pill” remains in serious doubt.

Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting German Killer should have read Scientists Spawn Fast-Acting Germ Killer. We are particularly sorry that, as a result of this publication, various German communities chose to burn several of our prominent national laboratories to the ground.

Horrific Bush Rash headline, should have read Horrific Bus Crash.  Also, our headline H1N1 Available for All, we meant the vaccination. In defense of our editing staff, they are often intoxicated. 

The Daily Discord would also like to take the time to apologize for publishing Mick Zano’s thesis on The Disappearing Himalayan Glaciers and their Correlation to the Autistic Tree Frog.  He went to an on-line university and in no way thought Al Gore and the scientific community would ever run with this crap. 

Toyota Announces Fix for Stuck Gas Pedals and Failed Brakes

Toyota's new emergency arrest system

Toyota announced their fix for the stuck gas pedal problem on some of their most popular models, as well as the brake failure problem on their hybrid Prius.

“We have a sorution.  One fix fol arl moders,” said Toyota spokesman Heowaki Kausakarastinki, in a culturally insensitive dialect.

The sorution, uhh, solution, involves the installation of an emergency arrest system activated by pressing a large red button, depicted above, located on the steering wheel.

Kausakarastinki claims the inspiration came from those Staples Easy Button commercials. The fix is available immediately at no charge to the consumer, but it does significantly reduce luggage capacity in the trunk of most models.

Kausakarastinki warns that the button should never be used to deter tailgaters, but he believes the device will gradually have a positive impact on traffic patterns in the future across our great country. 

Discord Sues Sarah Palin on Charges of Self Satire

Sarah Palin steals Discord thunder about her own stupidity

Nashville, TN—During Sarah Palin’s keynote address to the Teaparty yesterday this picture was taken of her crib notes. This is a real picture. The words on her hand are believed to read: Energy, Budget [crossed out] Cuts, Tax, Lift American spirits. If you look closely something is even scratched out amidst her, uhum, in-depth bullet points. The crossed out piece is believed to read Daily D. (Daily Discord?). Supporters claim she may actually have been trying to give us credit by footnoting the similar joke posted by the Discord on January 13, 2010. 12:00:00 AM PST. But Sarah Palin is no friend of the Discord? The Daily Discord’s CEO is furious.

“How are we supposed to make fun of this tart, if our obvious exaggerations prove true?” said Pierce Winslow. “We spare no expense Photoshopping a crib sheet and the ditzy bitch pulls this?! How can we possibly dumb this broad down anymore?”

Head writer for the Daily Discord, Mick Zano, has reportedly scrapped the next two Palin bits involving spit balls and wedgies, just in case.

Haitian Refugees Housed in Guantanamo Mistakenly Tortured

Refugees detained at Gitmo

The Red Cross reports massive widespread abuses to those Haitian refugees shuttled to Gitmo as part of the ongoing rescue efforts.  According to Army Major General Ted Jenkins, the glitch occurred as a result of a memo that failed to reach all of the prison guards.

In his defense, General Jenkins said, “If I forget to hit reply all, my emails only go to one person.  Or, sometimes I even reply to myself when I accidentally start from my sent folder.”

The General believes a similar error occurred at Abu Ghraib prison, when his memo, if you do plan to stack detainees into a naked pyramid, don’t take any pictures, was somehow mistakenly saved as a draft instead of forwarded to the intended recipients.

After hundreds of refugees were relocated from Port-au-Prince to the nearby detention facility, things quickly got ugly.

“I guess they figured business as usual,” said Jenkins, laughing nervously.

According to the Red Cross, the new arrivals were all subjected to sleep deprivation, waterboarding, walling, and sexual humiliation, or the ‘Cheney Special’ as the guards like to call it.   Thankfully, there have been no reported deaths at Guantanamo Bay since the arrival of the refugees.

“But we don’t usually report those,” admitted Jenkins. “Deaths tend to only come out after the investigations…but, hey, on the bright side, most of the folks were so thirsty they didn’t seem to mind the waterboarding.”

General Jenkins assured authorities all of the abuses would stop immediately, “Except maybe the sexual humiliation.  It’s kind of a favorite around here.” 

Earlier today, Jenkins told the Daily Discord he personally sent an email to cease and desist all torture activities.

“But I’m on wireless now, which is a little trickier,” said Jenkins, “but I’m sure they got the message…but what does Error Code 0x8000FFFF mean?  And what is a WiFi Troubleshooter manager?”

Super Bowl Ads Unaffordable: CBS to Replay Footage of Janet Jackson’s Breast

Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction to be re-aired

The big game has the most expensive time slots on television.  This year, since even Budweiser has taken a pass on super bowl commercials, CBS is scrambling to fill their spots with ‘vintage NFL commercials and halftime moments,’ including Janet Jackson’s infamous c-cup debacle.

“The shock value will be gone this year, of course,” said CBS president Sean McManus, “but viewers will be more prepared to enjoy the boobage, set their DVRs or, in some cases, cover the eyes of their young ones.”

McManus reports having missed the first airing of Jackson’s breast because, “I was in the can.”

When asked why CBS doesn’t simply lower the cost of these spots to match these difficult times, McManus only laughed.  CBS and the National Football League understand the lack of new beer commercials will create a void in the lives of football fans everywhere.  So CBS and the NFL are suggesting that during breaks this year people consider intercourse.  CBS would also like to add the word consensual. And, of course, they suggest an alternative if you’re at a sports bar or in some other public place.

“Oh, and if you’re single,” added McManus, “Go fuck yourself.”

McManus later added the qualifier, “but in a good way” to his earlier statement.

Vegas Blue Man Group Jumps Director James Cameron in Alley

Blue Man Group Works over James Cameron

Director James Cameron reported a violent personal attack on Friday. He identified his assailants as the Vegas showmen known as the Blue Man Group.

“They didn’t say a word,” said Cameron, “But the assault was well choreographed.” Cameron told police he had written the Blue Man Group a letter, in which he apologized about not casting them in his recent film Avatar. Unappeased, the performers accused Cameron of copyright infringement.  Their chief complaint involved the director’s choice to cast blue ‘imposters’ in the movie.

“They called me a racist and a Blue Meanie,” said Cameron, “which I believe is a Beatles reference.”

Things escalated for the director in early November after the grisly discovery of a severed Mountain Banshee head in his bed.  After last week’s assault, which witnesses describe as “entertaining, ambitious, and exhilarating,” Cameron sustained injuries to his clothing and parts of his ego. 

“I didn’t know my planet, Pandora, could unleash so many ills on the world,” said Cameron.  “I didn’t see that coming.  Well, I suppose it is better than what they did to the Smurfs.”

Papa Smurf, or what’s left of him, was unavailable for comment.

Obama Admits The Count Tallied Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

Obama Admits The Count Tallied Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is investigating its own near-criminal inflation of the total jobs created by the stimulus plan. Some of the problem is due to the questionable decision to hire The Count von Count, of Sesame Street fame, to tally the numbers.

“It started out well enough,” said stimulus overseer Ed DeSeve.  “He counted full-time jobs created by the stimulus package, then he counted part-time jobs created by the stimulus package, and then at some point he started counting ceiling tiles.”

According to witnesses, The Count started the project with, “One! One job created by the stimulus package, ah, ah, ah…  Two! Two jobs created by the stimulus package, ah ah ah…” but, by day twelve, The Count was overheard saying, “Four! Four thousand cars on the Southeast Freeway, ah, ah, ah…”

“We knew right then we were screwed,” said DeSeve.  “I told Barak that we should have gone with Grover.”

The Obama Administration is trying to put the best spin possible on the matter.

“It’s not known when The Count transitioned from counting real jobs to counting random inanimate objects,” said Obama, “but we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that some of those early numbers were legitimate jobs created.”

Obama is denying allegations that he had planned to name The Count his Enumeration Czar in early February.

“I would also like to dispel any rumors that Burt or Ernie will be my next Family Values Czarinas.”

Washington insiders believe neither Ernie nor Burt have spoken to the president since his stance on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Rescue Called Off in Haiti: Too Many Survivors Asking to Return to Rubble

Rescue Called Off in Haiti: Too Many Survivors Asking to Return to Rubble

Port-au-Prince, Haiti—Rescuers are calling off the hunt for survivors throughout Haiti as the people hauled out of the debris in the last few days are now choosing to return there in droves.

“It’s disheartening,” said an American soldier, who would only identify himself as Captain Steve Manning of 172 Fourth St., Bethesda, MD, “but, I must admit, conditions are somewhat better under several tons of concrete.”

“I’m going back in,” said one Haitian survivor.  “And I will not come out again until Conan O’Brien makes a decision!”

Oh, forget it.  Scratch this one, Winslow.  Go with the song I wrote: On the asphalt, the city asphalt, the Tiger sleeps at night.  I’m telling you, Winslow, we can milk this Tiger Woods thing for another three months.  Trust me on this one.  When have I let you down?  Well, besides the iTit bit and my last several submissions.

iTit Set to Perk up Winter Sales

iTit Set to Perk up Winter Sales

Apple does it again. Today Apple announced the successful development of a breast implant that can both store and play music.  The iTit only costs $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. The surgery to install the device is not included, but talk about Silicon Valley!  And here’s the best part, guys—just hitting the play button will get you great music and to second base.  This is also being considered a major social breakthrough, because women have always complained how men stare at their breasts but don’t listen to them.  That problem ends today!  You may also choose to listen to NPR (Nipple Public Radio) to stay abreast of the situation. And, tuning into the right station has never been more fun.

But wait, there’s more!

If you order now, we’ll throw in the second iTit free! The item does come with a manufacture’s warning: there is a slight risk of suffocation when using the surround sound feature, but, hey, if you gotta go… 

Batteries not included and void where probhibitit.  Yes, we used that joke again. Apparently, they come in pairs.  Apple did have some bad news today.  Their latest line of booty-mounted smart phones, the Dingleberry, only comes in brown. (Hat tip: Tommy T.)