Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Republicans Insist They Are Not Partisan, Just Stupid

When asked about his disdain for President Obama’s stimulus package, Senator Boehner (R) from Ohio had this to say, “As the economy tanks completely we need some plausible deniability.”

Boehner believes that backing the bill, should it fail, would be catastrophic for the remaining republican egos in both the Senate and the House.

“We would have no one to blame but ourselves, and we can’t have that now, can we?”

When asked why the Senator urged his fellow Republicans to vote ‘yes’ for the 700 billion dollar Bush bail out, which has since disappeared into a few banker’s personal accounts freeing up zero dollars for loans, Boehner had this to say, “Umm, er…actually, I feel, er…you see, truth be told, I was dropped on my head as a child.”

Marijuana Linked to Losing Sponsors

A study conducted by Northern Arizona University showed a significant correlation between recreational pot use and the losing of massive financial sponsorships. The study looked at seven people at random who had already lost major amounts of money due to revealing pot party photos. Michael Phelps is only the latest victim in a long chain of similar situations, often involving bowls and blunts and bongs, oh my. Professor Schmidt “Smitty” Stoltz, nearing both tenure and senility, suggests that famous sports figures should go back in time and stop their friends from taking pictures of them while in the process of smoking pot.

AC/DC Admits All Nineteen Albums Really Just One Long Song

Angus Young of the Australian hard rock band AC/DC admitted during a congressional hearing this week that all nineteen of the band’s studio albums were written during one lost weekend in Sidney. The drug-induced recording session occurred in early 1973 while under the influence of beer, whiskey, and a powdery substance, possibly crystal meth.  The band originally named the twenty-seven hour long song AC/DC.  This title only became the band’s name after the 73’ recording session, primarily because the next day no one could recall their original name (which Mr. Young believes started with a B). On a related note, Adult Protective Services are currently pressing charges against the band’s manager for the long and grueling exploitation of these severely mentally ill individuals.  Dr. Stempen would like the band members to know they can always “come home.”  Food and injectable psychotropic medication are ready upon their arrival.  Dr. Stempen wants Angus to know that the wardrobe rules at Fairview Pines have relaxed.

“You can wear your knickers whenever and wherever you want.”  Shirts are now only required during visiting hours.  Also, the nursing staff has completely forgiven Malcolm for the “sponge bath incident.” 

Al-Qaeda to Close Twenty-Seven Training Camps

A desperate Al-Qaeda is ramping up its rhetoric against the Obama Administration as members are leaving their jihad training camps “by the droves,” stated Abdul Abdul Abdullah to our own Bald Tony during an inappropriate on-line chat last week.

Desperate for an edge in the PR wars, Al-Qaeda is considering increasing their afterlife compensation.

“We are considering upping the ante to 82 virgins in the afterlife,” stated Abdullah. This is a limited offer, void where prohibited.

The terrorist group is doubtful the new strategy will work, however, as a recent Al-Qaeda poll suggests most jihad savvy Arabs really don’t know what to do with more than twenty virgins anyway.  Al-Qaeda is disappointed with recruitment in recent weeks.

“Obama is bad for business,” stated Abdullah.  “Bush was doing a fine job, but now there is hardly enough hatred to go around.”

Abdullah fears an outright end to hatred, which would force him to grow-up and get a real job, perhaps in the gay porn industry.  In the wake of this new age Al-Qaeda is setting more realistic expectations.  Instead of using their bread-and-butter chants like ‘Death to America’, they are considering more achievable goals like ‘Death to Jersey.’  It is hoped that this shift in objectives may gain more support inside as well as outside of the U.S.

“Most agree at least Newark should go,” explained Abdullah, “even Bruce Springsteen, if cornered.”

Pork, It’s What’s for Package

On the hill this week, U.S. Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) declared Obama’s nearly trillion dollar package as “93% spending and only 7% stimulation.” The Obama Administration was quick to point out that all of Bush’s recent 700 billion dollar stimulus package went to the crooks who “got us into this.”

Barack Obama is pleading with the American people for patience and told reporters during his weekly radio address “You must understand that politicians are not going to stop being crooks overnight.”

Team Obama is trying to hit home the message that change is a gradual process. When questioned about Senator Inhofe’s estimation of his stimulus package, Obama responded, “You have to admit that seven percent is a modest improvement over zero percent and that is math you can believe in.”

Obama to Compromise on Immigration: Will Build Giant Wall Around Bush’s Texas Compound

Obama explained that sealing Bush into his Texas compound only became necessary after the former president violated his orders and attended a women’s basketball game last week.

“We will let Mr. Bush off of his ranch if and when it is deemed safe,” said President Obama to the backdrop of cheering crowds on Wednesday.  Whether the move is for Bush’s safety or the country’s remains unclear.  A plan to have Mr. Bush paint the phrase, “Next time I am President, I will defend the Constitution not my stock options” a thousand times on the inside of the wall is gaining popularity with key Obama Administration officials.

“As for Cheney,” continued Obama, “we are trying to find a suitable undisclosed location for him…in Syria.”  Obama explained aspects of Operation Penguin Pluck, wherein it is hoped Mr. Cheney will learn, first hand, the error of his ways.

“By his own definition, he is easily labeled an enemy combatant, so no lawyers will be necessary,” explained Obama, who described the plan as “some good clean reservoir-dog style fun.”

When reporters pressed Obama on the danger of Cheney’s knowledge falling into enemy hands, Obama replied, “You’re kidding, right?”

Yankees Acquire O’Liberte’

The New York Yankees continued purchasing the world today by picking up a right-handed flame throwing reliever, Statue O’Liberte’.  Despite hailing from nearby New Jersey, the statue was signed to a fifteen year contract.

Yankee’s manager Joe Girardi stated, “I am not sure how many times O’Liberte’ will see the mound but, at 305 feet tall, she’ll sure be an imposing figure around the bullpen.”

The organization feels that the over 200-year old reliever still has a few good years left in her

“The righty is only a few years older than Roger Clemens,” added Hal Steinbrenner, “and look how well he worked out.”

The Yankees still face several daunting hurdles, however.  A French glove maker was immediately commissioned to start working on the mitt for the new reliever.  Construction is estimated to take a few years longer than the, yet to be started, downtown Freedom Tower.  Also, the toll set by the Mafia-run Port Authority to transport the statue to-and-from each ball game may top Obama’s upcoming stimulus package.

“At least we’ll save time on chiseling the law book out of her hand,” continued Steinbrenner. “The Bush Administration already loosened it sufficiently.”

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Setting the Record Straight: A Daily Discord Apology

Good journalism means owning up to one’s mistakes. Since our debut in September we have made precious few journalistic boo boos, but here they are in no particular order

Pierce Winslow

Chief Executive Officer

‘Smelly Pirates Captured by Indians’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Somali Pirates Captured by Indian Navy’

On December 13th in New Delhi, India, the Indian Navy, not a tribe of bow and arrow wielding Apaches, captured the 23 Somali pirates in question.  Regrettably, as it turns out, the Tomahawk missile joke was not only offensive to Native Americans, but was also egregiously inaccurate—to say nothing of our Long John Scalper reference.  Our sincere apologies to any offended primitive redskins.

‘Sun-sized Twisters Appear on Earth’ Headline Should Have Read: ‘Earth-Sized Twisters Appear on Sun’

Sorry for the mass panic, damage to property, and loss of life.  Our official response to this fiasco is “oops.”

‘Indians land on Moon’ Headline Was Completely Muffed

Well, as it turns out folks, it was the country of India not Native American Indians.  The unfortunate “scalp some Martians, bitches” comment makes even less sense now, and is unfair to extra terrestrials everywhere.

‘Texas Cheney-saw Massacre’ Headline Should Never Have Seen Print.

Pierce Winslow takes full responsibility for this error. Whereas it is plausible that Vice President Dick Cheney would travel to Crawford Texas and hack the Bush family into sausages, to the best of our knowledge, it never happened (yet).

Bush to Cancel Obama’s Honeymoon Period

For his last act in office, besides doing number two in the middle of the Lincoln bedroom, George W. Bush has cancelled President Elect Barak Obama’s honeymoon period.

“I’m afraid he’s going to have to hit the ground running,” joked Bush to reporters on Thursday, “especially if old Dead-Eye Dick has anything to say about it.”   Bush warns that the transition may be unusually violent.

“Biden better watch his ass,” added Bush, “because the V.P. apparently refuses recognize the new administration, or anyone else for that matter.”  Washington insiders believe the Vice President suffers from something the doctors are calling Age-Related Executive-Expansion Disorder (AREED).  Unconfirmed reports suggest that Cheney will shoot at anything that approaches his property line.

In a phone call to the V.P. elect this week, Bush warned, “Proceed with caution…Dick really wants to remain head of Homelawn Security.”

Attempt to Fly Texas Panhandle to Gulf Deemed ‘Abysmal Failure’

If it truly is all about location, location, location, then the desolate Texas panhandle is fated to remain the barren wasteland that it is today. Gulf front property is allegedly the real inspiration behind the multitudes of ‘wind generators’ dotting the northern Texas landscape.

“We’re sick of being permanently wedged between the suckier parts of Oklahoma and the suckier parts of Texas,” states project manager Biff Ayers.  “Why should gulf towns have all the fun?”  Ayers is not discouraged by the fact that the 26,000 square-mile landmass has not moved an inch since the onset of the covert operation: Project Institute Mobilization of Panhandle (PIMP).

“In retrospect positioning the fans to face north would have helped,” admits Ayers.  “It’s just as easy to get these things right, you know.”  The Daily Discord is astounded by the naivety of this ill-fated endeavor, and our own CEO Pierce Winslow believes it would take “easily twice as many fans” to get this plan off the ground.