Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Hurricane Kills 7, Harasses 3, Before Downgrading to Tropical Storm in an Effort to Elude Police

Forming in a seedy section of the North Atlantic, Hurricane Mel has churned up a devilish trail in his wake. "He got hooked on thermals and warm ocean water, he’s been spinning out of control ever since," explains his mother, Hurricane Edna.  Mel’s meteorological mother admits to her own sordid past which includes a long string of tidal surges, heavy winds, and prostitution (mostly blow jobs).  Apparently, the apple did not fall far from the uprooted tree.

Palin Faces Ethics Panel

In a potential scandal, Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin recently tried getting her former brother-in-law fired from the state police. She will soon face an Alaskan ethics panel to determine if she abused her powers. We at the Discord believe the interrogation should be led by Michael Palin of Monty Python fame. She should face both the rack and/or the comfy chair…because ‘nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.’

Cloning of Japanese Chia Pet Condemned as ‘Abomination’ by local Sea Monkeys

It’s been a long week and I still haven’t gotten to the bank or post office, so could you please use your imagination a little bit? Humor me. Think about how oriental Chia Pets would react to the unethical cloning of those freaky childhood monkey-brine thingies from our childhoods.  I wanted a decoder ring.  They sounded cool.  Sea monkeys were OK, I suppose, but there was nothing really monkey-like about them.

Bones of Ancient "Real" Republican Unearthed

Archeologist discovers the fossilized remains of a traditional George Will-like conservative dating back to the pre-Reagan administration.

"This exciting find could provide key evidence for the comparative study of Republican de-evolution," claims archeologist Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Microbrewery. "The skull is 31% larger than today’s social conservative," continues Hogbein, "and the pelvic bone suggests a much larger and heavier scrotal sack."

Newer conservatives seem to have lost the ability to use tools, keep governments small, and maintain even a rudimentary budget.

"Perhaps," posits Hogbein, "evolution is getting even with the non-believers."

Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection

Despite the fact that 17 year old Becky Forrest of Clifton, NJ tested positive for Chlamydia and HPV at her July physical examination, she is maintaining her chastity. “It’s been challenging to earn crack money and keep my abstinence pledge,” says Becky.  Her mother Greta Forrest couldn’t be prouder, “I believe her.  Aside from selling most of our belongings for drug money, she’s an angel.”  Becky’s mother beamed at the doctor’s report with an unparallel level of motherly denial.  “There’s the hand of god at work here…or certainly some part of god.”

Ahmadinejad Denies Last Name is Long, Confusing

US diplomats are urging Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to simplify his last name, or change it outright.  “Something needs to be done for the sake of both diplomacy and locution,” says Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent Cokie McGrath.  Even President Bush himself told Ahmadinejad, “Remember those twenty six words that never should have been said during that infamous State of the Union Address?  Well, you’re name is longer.”  Iranian operatives suggest the Iranian President might be willing to drop the “jad” off the end in exchange for weapons technology.

Time Traveling Prankster Tells Aztecs the Sun Will Extinguish Without Human Blood.

“Having a Time Lord for a son has its challenges,” admits Jimmy’s mother. “He has always been a jokester—always putting a whoopee cushion on your seat, propping a bucket of water over a doorway, or setting your bed on fire while you sleep. Such a goof, that boy.” Jimmy’s father had this to say about his son’s recent Aztec hijinks, “Well, it’s better than that time he shot the Archduke Ferdinand.”

Viagra Warns: Number of Uncontrollable Erections Set to Rise

Viagra spokesperson, Dale ‘Stiffy’ O’Tool, admits that priapism, an erection that could last for upwards of fourteen hours, is going to be an even bigger problem in the future. “Conducting laboratory studies on this subject has been touchy,” admits O’Tool, “but not in a good way.”