Spoof News

Satire at its finest.

Jurassic Ark?

Petersburg, KY—Evangelicals have wrestled with the mounds of overwhelming Bible-conflicting data that dinosaurs roamed the Earth long before Jesus.  To their credit, some of these Christianists have successfully married vast quantities of conflicting dogma. You can learn all about these stunning revelations with a two day pass to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY.  The price tag is only $29.95, which is recommended, because it’s a lot of bullshit to swallow in just one day.  Creation Museumists posit that two of each dinosaur went with Noah on his fateful journey to Atlantis (OK, I never read the Bible, but I have rented Life of Brian twice).  The museum even features a saddled dinosaur that kids can ride, just like Jesus did (like Jesus would ever pay the cover).

Who could forget when Jesus said, “Blessed are the Meekasaurs.”

What compounds the Creation Museum’s Jurassic Ark Theory (JAT) is the recent discovery of some super-sized dinosaurs in South America, circa 100 million years ago (Christian translation = last Tuesday).  The average brontosaurus is about the size of four elephants, but Argentinosaurus was apparently the biggest land animal ever and was closer to one of those Lord of the Rings’ Olyphants.  To house two of each kind of these newly discovered monsters, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Humidor, estimates Noah’s Ark would have to be “really fucking big.”

Dr. Hogbein, most known for his anthropological binge drinking, also had this to say: “Argentinosaurus, no doubt, posed some engineering challenges for Noah that could only be explained by divine intervention.  Oh…”

Pelosi Deemed Too Stupid for Any Accountability on Torture

Washington, DC – Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is becoming further embroiled in the Bush/Cheney torture controversy as allegations continue to surface regarding her knowledge of the previous administration’s tactics.  President Obama is defending the Speaker of the House, claiming she could not have possibly known the importance of things told to her.

“After all, she’s an idiot,” explained Obama at a press conference earlier today.  “Her competence is strongly in question.”

According to a memo released by the White House this week, Nancy Pelosi asked only three questions during her CIA briefing on enhanced interrogation techniques.  Two questions involved the previous evening’s episode of American Idol and the third involved her predictions regarding the following week’s episode of American Idol.

President Obama then made the analogy: “You can’t blame Pelosi for torture; it would be like blaming Iraq for 9/11.”

After an awkward silence, Obama went on to explain how Pelosi’s only knowledge of torture is derived from the 1976 movie Marathon Man

“In Pelosi’s small and demented mind,” continued Obama, “no Sir Lawrence Olivier + no dental instruments = no torture.”

Sir Lawrence Olivier, quite dead, was unavailable for comment.

President Obama went on to say, “Look, you can’t expect someone to connect the dots with a broken pencil, no paper, and more air upstairs than one of those open double-decker buses.”

Dissatisfied with the explanation, our own Bald Tony asked two very pointed questions of the President: “If Pelosi is deemed too stupid for any accountability, isn’t this a slipper slope? Couldn’t the same argument then be made to protect Bush from any wrongdoing?”

President Obama dodged the slippery slope analogy by saying this: “Remember what Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy on the floor back in ‘04?  Pretend I’m Dick Cheney and your Patrick Leahy. M-kay?”

Winslow: Discord to Return to its Glorious Past

Philadelphia PA – Today Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord, announced that the ezine would be re-running the best of their past postings in a new forum “Distinguished Discord, the Best Of“.

“We are very excited to release some of our best material in a single location,” said Winslow, “OK, the truth is that our writers ain’t what they used to be. Ever since the recall of their pencil-pens they’ve lost their direction; or rather found a new one: downhill. In order to make up for it we’re going to start pulling material from back when they were half decent; OK, a quarter decent. Apparently our stimulus package was less than stimulating.”

While Winslow denies it, Discord insiders report that a significant portion of that stimulus money was used to back a failed attempt to purchase the senate seat vacated by now U.S. President Barack Obama.

“Now, we’ve been over that,” answered Winslow. “Besides, if my staff needs it I can stimulate them myself.”

Trump U.N. Hotel & Casino

Located on an 18 acre east Manhattan site, the new Trump Hotel & Casino is set to open soon, or, as “The Donald” said “As soon as we can get the beds in the old offices, and the slot machines & crap tables in the auditorium”.

Using a new “United World” theme, the Casino will feature marble steps, gold colored waterfalls, and the same carpet, which is a gigantic map of the world, now has large 3’ tall gold “pushpins” wherever Trump owns property. The flags of nations lining the main entrance were replaced with the Trump coat-of-arms. The entrance to its new eatery, the World Peace Restaurant, now sports a sixty foot L.E.D TV screen with rotating pictures of hungry shoeless children and Trump Hotels to the backdrop of the dulcet tones of Louis Armstrong singing “What a Wonderful World”.

As for parking concerns around the new hotel & casino, NYCs Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said, “Now, we can actually ticket people who park in no parking zones!”

Kelly is referring to the long standing problem of “Diplomatic Immunity” and parking scofflaws in NYC.

“If you lost 16 floors of Trump U.N.,” said John Bolton, “now that would suck!”

For reservations, call 1-800-The-Donald.

Was Cheney the Sith Lord or Merely the Sith Apprentice?

Washington, DC — Will the real Sith Lord please standup? Mounting evidence suggests the Sith Master is not former Vice President Dick Cheney, but rather Obama’s right hand man, Rahm Emanuel. 

Are these two only masquerading as political rivals?  Is Cheney only going on the attack early as a diversion?  Did Cheney finish off the Constitution for his master’s ultimate purpose? 

When interrogators were failing to get confessions proving any link between Iraq and Al-Qaeda back in 2003, Dick Cheney sent a memo to General Geoffrey Miller at Abu Ghraib that read, “Perhaps we can find new ways to motivate them.” 

According to an unnamed high ranking official, Emanuel and Cheney waited to seize power only after human cloning was possible to create their clone army.  Homeland Security is now working on something called a ‘Death Star’ and Janet Napolatano, the perfect dupe, is heading the project under the guise of ‘keeping America safe.’ 

The same unnamed official believes the diabolic duo made only one glaring mistake. Shortly after the election, Cheney’s man-sized safe was moved to Rahm Emmanuel’s office and the words Darth Dick were changed to Darth Rahm. The man-sized safe is believed to house hundreds of pictures from CIA secret prisons in both regular and glossy.

This credible source refuses to come forward, because “They can choke me from a distance.”  It is also feared that any traditional witness protection program, beefed up or otherwise, would prove ineffective against a Sith Lord or his apprentice.  This reporter will not divulge any sources due to the extraordinary circumstances surrounding this case.  Please don’t make me do it, Fitzgerald. They’ll get me for sure!

From My Cold Dead Opposable Thumbs

Gorillas, Bigfoots, Yetis, and other large primates across our great nation are not taking the Obama Administration’s current gun control policies lightly. Outrage is spreading across the heavily wooded regions of our country like wildfirearms.

CEO Pierce Winslow would like to personally apologies for that last joke: “We are working diligently here at the Discord to limit puns. My position on this matter has remained clear: like abortions, puns should be safe, legal, and rare.  If you spot a pun that you find personally offensive, tell us about it, because pun spelled backwards is nup. And, frankly, a nup is a nup.”

And now back to our regularly scheduled faux article:

Bernie Stillman, a Bigfoot sympathizer and cryptzoo activist, feels that making it difficult for humans to possess guns is a “slippery slope” that could ultimately work its way right down the evolutionary ladder.

“I don’t even want to think about what would happen if our ocean communities lost their second amendment rights,” continued Stillman.  “Huge schools of smaller fish would be at even greater risk of predation.  It would be a free-for-all.” 

Stillman has fought for the rights of a variety of species to protect themselves from the chaos of otherwise unfair and unfriendly ecosystems across our globe.

“If Obama is going to try to take away a Yeti’s AK-47,” warned Stillman, “he’d better beef up his personal security, or else he’ll end up like that inappropriate New York Post cartoon.”

Stillman backpedaled when questioned as to whether or not he was comparing President Obama to a monkey and threatening his life.

Stillman attempted to make light of the subject by adding, “Fuck Islam.”

New World Currency Provoking the Paranoid?

London, ENG – The UK hosted a secret meeting of World leaders to discuss the possible designs of a new world currency.  The most controversial finalist, depicted above, may well be our world leaders attempt at stoking the fires of conspiracy theorists everywhere.

President Obama said, “There are elements from U.S. currency in each of the finalists, which makes selling parts of our sovereignty on the World E-Bay more than worth it.”

Obama admitted that if implemented tomorrow, U.S. currency would be trading on par with the Somali Dirt Clod, currently worth its weight in mud, gravel, and small bits of dried vegetation, but Obama is urging Americans “not to worry.”  Business-savvy Americans are believed to have already invested everything in internationally recognized commodities, “so they should be just fine.”  Mr. Obama denied allegations that the Pharmaceutical Company Eli Lilly, makers of antipsychotic medication, catered the top secret summit luncheon in question.

“Sometimes a free lunch is just a free lunch,” assured Obama. “Oh, and the government is monitoring all of your thoughts, so ask your doctor if Zyprexa is right for you.”

Discord Holds Protests in Six Cities to Bash the Media: No One Covers It

Inspired by Mick Zano’s clarion call to fight back against an ideologically driven media, the Discord staffers rallied to the cause.  In a spirit of coordination not seen since their third senior bar crawl, the Discordians held protests in six different cities on April 25th. Outraged by the media’s attempt to fragment our society, the mad bloggers took to the streets. Bald Tony walked along the Las Vegas strip with a sign that read, “Mick is Right!”  Pokey McDooris and Dave Atsals, longtime critics of the media, sat outside of McNama’s Pub in central, PA with nothing but two malt-liquor forties, possibly Big Jug Xtras, and a sign that read, “Tony’s Right About Mick Being Right!”  Only the sign was novel, however, as this was their usual routine.  At the designated time, the Ghetto Shaman staggered out of an undisclosed local establishment and vomited.  Even the Crank himself put a sign on his big red truck that said, “Fuck You!”  OK, the Crank’s truck always has that sign, but on April 25th he added the exclamation point – for the cause.  Not to be outdone, Pierce Winslow wandered down South Street Philadelphia yelling something about the Zamboni Gypsies and Sarah Angelfire, our latest contributor, posted compromising photos of Mick Zano on her My Space page (which might be totally unrelated). 

“I think it’s time we came together,” said Zano. “In the true spirit of fragmentation.”

Thou Shart That?

Taos, NM – Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Pro Shop, admits his recent version of The Bhagavad Gita contained one all important mistranslation.  Typically the Vedic words Tat tvam asi mean “thou art that.”  Dr. Hogbein, admittedly inebriated at the time, inserted an erroneous word creating the phrase “Tat tvam paikhana,” which roughly translates as: “Thou Art Loose Stool.”

Dr. Hogbein further complicated his mistake by repeatedly referring to Brahman, the godhead of Hindu mythology, as the great ‘paikhana-head.’ This blasphemy set off a veritable paikhana storm across parts of the already bitchy Indus Valley region.

One reader warned that any further affronts to Krishna and the “paikhana would really hit the palm frond.”

Hogbein defended his actions by adding “paikhana happens,” and then mooned the press to punctuate his point.

The aged archeologist has cancelled his upcoming conference in Paikhanastan for obvious reasons.

Mounting Pressure Forces Discord Staff to Return Stimulus Bonuses

Philadelphia, PA — CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow announced his intentions today to retrieve all of the pencil sets that looked like pens distributed at this past year’s Christmas party.  The gifts were allegedly purchased with recently acquired stimulus funds.

“If my staff is going to bitch about everything,” said Winslow, “then they can type their articles with their own damn pencils.”

Mr. Winslow is said to be displaying increasingly bizarre behaviors.  He reportedly made rooster sounds in the middle of the interview and began hurling handfuls of the Discord’s office supplies from the agencies’ third-floor business suite onto some surprised motorists below. 

 “This is a sad day for the Discord,” admits the ezines’ Chief Vegas Correspondent, Bald Tony.  “And by sad, I mean typical.”

When asked if he would be honoring the mandate to return the item, Tony replied, “From my cold, dead…sure whatever.”