Uncategorized

Trump To Tour Arkham Asylum To Vet Potential Cabinet Members

gotham-season-1-episode-4-arkham-asylum

Gotham CityThe nation watches in anticipation as the president-elect, Donald Trump, vets key members of his future administration. He has chosen to shift the focus of his search to Arkham, an infamous Asylum for the criminally insane. Will his cabinet include Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, Newt Gingrich, or the Penguin? Dr. Jonathan Crane, aka The Scarecrow, will be conducting Tuesday’s tour of the facility and grounds. “He should think outside the isolation room for this one,” said Dr. Crane. “I hope he considers some of the lesser known talent, hidden away deep in the bowels of this important institution. Either Atomic-Man or the Electrocutioner would be well-suited to head the Department of Energy, and both of them have pending parole hearings. Two-Face would make the perfect Secretary of State and Mr. Freeze could single handedly combat global warming, well, if you believe in that sort of thing.”

The DEA Is A Rogue Agency: Which Sadly Has Nothing To Do With X-Men

imagesFZ4WIBTH

Here’s a homework assignment for those disenfranchised Sanders supporters among us. Besides learning how to count delegates correctly, I want you all to direct your youthful angst toward a certain government agency. It’s called the Drug Enforcement Agency. They are the ones shooting your dog and arresting your loved ones for harmless substances. Crack lives matter! Look, even I do retractions and I am just a spoof news satirist, which I believe means I worship Clown Satan (sorry, I never studied). So who is the 2016 Gold Medal winner for lack of retractions? You guessed it, the DEA. After five years of legal proceedings, marijuana will remain a Schedule 1 substance. Ballistic does not begin to capture the adjectives swirling around my head right now, so let’s add the DEA to the coveted Hall Of Things That No Longer Serve A Purpose. Recap: you lost the War on Drugs, badly, and now let’s add your stunning loss to the War on Reason. They should be part of John Oliver’s How Is This Still A Thing?

A Room In The Hand Is Worth More Than Sleeping In A Bush

The Last Thing On My Mind: Was I Tripping?

815cfcecc7a8b49b458c2e55e31cf5e4When she first came around, I was vaguely attracted to her, I don’t know why. Actually, I do know why: she had long red hair, and I’m a sucker for that stuff. Other than that, not really my type. Too thin. She was also a bit nutty, but that never stopped me before.
Anyway, a friend of mine was seeing her, but then they broke up. I ran into her at the bar one night. We drank, danced, drank some more, shot pool, drank, talked a lot, and drank. After last call we ended up at my place, smoking a joint under the back porch awning in the rain. I thought, “Well, no time like the present!” and went in for a smooch. She recoiled and said, “See ya!” and that was that.