Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Enlightenment seems such a mystery to me. The ego must be strong before it is destroyed? Striving for enlightenment is a barrier to enlightenment itself? There are so many ‘sound of one hand clapping’ type paradoxes that the main point keeps eluding me.

Dedra Farley

Tempe, AZ

Dear Dedra,

Very true, Dedra. At the heart of Zen are confounding paradoxes designed to help focus the mind. For example, to the untrained eye, even I myself may appear like an addicted amoral opportunistic, criminal-minded type, but in actuality, er……all right, bad example.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

In your book The Enlightened Mind on Crack at the end of the chapter entitled The Tao of Skull Fucking, what exactly are the Booty Sutras? I can not find any references to them anywhere.

Elsa Potter

Salinas, CA

Dear Elsa,

I don’t even remember that book. I was on crack; what part of that don’t you understand, Elsa?

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Lost Mojitos of Mesoamerica and, first off, what the heck is an Aikido Hummer?  Second, you say that you have a strong affinity for the Hopi Indians, yet you condone some very antithethical views such as secret prisons, enhanced interrogation techniques, and even torture.

Ellen Frazier

Billings, Mt

Dear Ellen,

Torture? You are confusing information from my chapter on ‘things I like to do to women’.  The Hopi have influenced my work in other ways. For instance, their peyote is primo.  Oh, and an Aikido Hummer should never be tried outside of one of my Midget Reiki sessions.  I make people sign a waiver and everything.  It’s the everything part that usually results in therapy.

Hopi this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read your book Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale and I must admit to some confusion.  I normally like stream of consciousness stuff, but what is Midget Reiki, who exactly are the Jersey Chuds, and why do you spend weeks at a time in a bar room toilet trying to contact the Malt Liquor Gods?

Sincerely,

Michael Raney

Hagerstown, MD

Dear Michael,

Indeed, I call that style Manic-Binge writing.

First off, Midget Reiki is only for the adept.  A better place to start would be at one of my Yoga Parties. Yo-ga!  Yo-ga!

The Jersey Chuds are minions of the Chaos Pigeons; those feathery adversaries to all that is sacred.   Mick Zano and Dr. Sterling Hogbein have written extensively about them. I would recommend their works, but, as a rule I only plug my own books.

As for your third question: a Shaman’s job is to become in-tune with energies constantly percolating on the energetic plane and then alter those energies prior to their manifestation back here on the earthly plane.  I drink malt liquor products and frequent the men’s room in hopes of one day harnessing the energy of the sacred beer fart (See Fartori Experience). I believe these energies will one day power the unfolding Universe itself.  Pokey McDooris is single-colonly pushing this particular boundary.  What he can do with a burrito and forty ounces of Big Jug Xtra Malt Liquor is legendary.

Hope this helps.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I just read your book entitled Open Your Body, Mind, and Wallet and let me say this, sir: spirit guides are not pubcrawl organizers, there is no such thing as a double-vision quest, and soul extractions have nothing to do with removing one’s shoe from another person’s ass.  You are a drunk and a charlatan, sir!

Jay Compiretti

Haymarket, VA

Dear Jay,

Go back and read the chapter on ‘open your mind’ again.  I think somebody skipped that part. What we attack in others are really characteristics we do not like about our selves.  Remember the old saying…I am rubber, you’re a dick.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I heard through the grapevine you were in a fire of some sort?  Are you OK?

Stanley Milton

Harrisburg, PA

Dear Stanley,

No big deal.  I made a slight alchemical miscalculation and my crystal yoga lab exploded.  Luckily, I was wearing my girlfriend at the time. 

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

I read somewhere that people can smoke dung?   What’s this all about?

Sincerely,

Jack Tibolla

South Bend, Indiana

Dear Carl,

At times I have not had shit to smoke—beyond that it is sensationalism.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

While searching for deeper shamanic states, I seem to only experience manic depressive states.  I hear voices and see shadows during the height of these manic phases.  Am I getting close?

Nancy O’Leary

Erie, PA

Dear Nancy,

Getting close?  Getting Clozaril is more like it.  Look, try harnessing your manic phases by pushing your creativity into higher vibrational frequencies, and then ask your doctor if an inpatient psych stay is right for you.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

With society collapsing, and all, some believe this is an ideal time to embrace the dharma.  All this fear is only increasing my beer consumption.  You seemed to have reconciled fear and beer.  What’s your secret? 

Tim Ferrence

Dear Tim,

To transcend the Wheel of Samsara, you must embrace many Zen-like contradictions and still make it back for happy hour. Read my latest work: Turn to Face the Great Mystery without Pissing on Your Shoes.  Read this a hundred times, if necessary.  Not the same book, mind you.  Purchase a hundred copies.  Each of my books should only be read once, but many readings are necessary to both transcend this world and to help me fend off the rent spirits.  I have explained to my landlady that I follow the Mayan calendar, so my rent should not be due until the Feathered Serpent ascends the great pyramid.  This argument has thus far failed to have the desired effect.

The Ghetto Shaman

Dear Ghetto Shaman,

Are those half eaten Buffalo wings hanging around your neck?

Jackson Mitchell

San Diego, CA

Dear Jackson,

Only our oldest legends speak of a time when the mythical Buffalo could take flight across the…  All right, all right, Papa John’s Sherlock. 

The Ghetto Shaman