Dave Atsals

My Flip Flop Reversal

Dave Atsals

Wearing flip flops and a sweat shirt, I flip-flop through the channels as all these political analysts flip-flop on who flipped and flopped more. I flop in front of my computer and flip it on. My online search of ‘flip flop’ from the Marian Webster’s dictionary turned up:

Main Entry:






Date: 1600

1: the sound or motion of something flapping loosely 2 a: a backward handspring b: a sudden reversal (as of policy or strategy) 3: a usually electronic device or a circuit (as in a computer) capable of assuming either of two stable states 4: a rubber sandal loosely fastened to the foot by a thong

flip–flop intransitive verb

For the purpose of this article we will be focusing on 2 b: a sudden reversal (as of policy or strategy).

I once had a relationship that flopped after I could no longer flip the girl. We will not embarrass her by putting her name in this article, but the inquisitive type can contact Mick Zano; he dated her 20 pounds later. I flip off the political analysts who would so flippantly flop my character? I just chose pride over public embarrassment, and I no longer get off on being crushed in bed (insert flip flop reference here).

At five years old, Mr. Ed was the best show on television. I no longer believe that is the case; in fact, I’ve flipped flopped on my belief he could really talk.

Today’s politicians may not be as smart as me, or a talking horse for that matter. To change one’s mind or position is often a good thing. This current election season highlights these flip flopping positions. Barack Obama in the fall of 2007 said he would like to partake in a publically financed general election. As we know now he did not. But if he did, with the amount of public funds he was able to generate, I would question his intelligence. Have you given your five dollars lately? Joe Biden in April said “I am not interested in the vice presidency.” (No, I did not have further sexual relations with that fat woman).

John McCain in 2006 voted for the Bush tax cuts he opposed in 2001 and 2003. Is this a flip flop, a change in circumstances, or a Mr. Ed moment? His V.P. nominee supported the bridge to Nowhere while running for governor in 2006. After being elected she began to shift her position. “Thanks but no thanks, but doggone it we’ll keep the money.”

Throughout history many flip fopperies have transformed our country. In 1798 Thomas Jefferson supported a constitutional amendment that prohibited the federal government from borrowing money. But, in 1803 borrow he did, allowing the acquisition of the Louisiana Territory. Abraham Lincoln…a proponent of slavery? Check your history books. A change in circumstances? Well, anyway a few of Jefferson’s offspring’s where certainly for it.

FDR’s political philosophy was, in a way, a pro flip flop statement. He explained, “It is common sense to take a method and try it, if it fails admit it frankly and try another.” In the Dave Atsals’s dictionary (DVD), insanity means doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results (Bush 2004).

There are three legitimate reasons for a sudden change of policy or political strategy: change in circumstances, your former stance is admittedly wrong or not working, and, perhaps most importantly, she got too fat.

Not included on this list are “women have the right to change their mind.” And neither is, I change your political stance daily according to where I am campaigning.

Barney Frank comes to mind as a politician that has used all legitimate and non-legitimate justifications for all the flip flops mentioned in this article, except for the ‘she got too fat’ one.

Hillary Names Running Mate

Hillary named Chelsea as her Vice Presidential running mate, reinforcing the campaign theme of ‘keeping it in the family.’  Extinguishing a cigar, her husband said, “My one presidential regret—not keeping it in the family.”  The pressure mounts as what’s-his-name shows some promise at the Convention. “So it is imperative,” she claims, “to take the offensive.”

“Bringing Chelsea on board solidifies the ticket while making my assassination less plausible.”  It’s expected that Chelsea’s youth will ‘seize the change’ Carpe diem, a theme inexplicably ducked by all of the rivals. Add the youth vote and the historical significance of the first all female ticket, and you’ve got yourself a team of instant acclaim.

The Clintons, who ran a very successful, although admittedly aggressive campaign, stated, “It’s time to reenergize our base to secure the Democratic nomination.  We’ll never give up our fight to bring strong family values back to this great nation.  Although unable to secure the nomination during roll call at the convention, we are confident that our ‘willingness to concede’ will catapult us back into the race.  Enough super delegates will be persuaded before the General Election.” Talk about a November surprise.

Due to her rave reviews in Denver, Hillary believes she can capitalize on the momentum.  She stated “My charismatic speech at Borat’s convention proves that I am presidential and ready to lead.”

Senator Obama, upon hearing of the announcement, had no comment, just a bewildered look.

Senator McCain stated “I am not sure how many daughters Hillary has; I will have to check with my aids.”  But within hours he ran an ad questioning her radical voting record at Stanford regarding cafeteria food, the use of microwaves in dormitories, and her ‘liberal’ arts degree.  When asked about her readiness to lead, McCain added, “Remember, she is one heart beat away from…what were we talking about?”

Undaunted by the attacks, Hillary retorted “the old bastard is playing right into my hands.”

Losing Pub Friends in the Starbuckarama (Rebuttal)

Dave Atsals

I am worried about my friend, Mick. Unlike all the other Discordians, Mick believes he needs to better himself.  Mick strives for lofty misguided goals in order to overcome his many inadequacies. He used to have a distinct, although often overbearing, personality and sense of humor.  But, at least you knew what you were getting with Mick, trouble.   Now he is only a shell of his old self.  I refer to this shell as ‘m’.

The Mick I knew was witty, in an insulting type of way.  He was misguided, but authentic; often drunk, but functional; unshaven, yet neat; suffering from erectile dysfunction, yet STD ridden. (Just kidding about the last one; partly).  Mick could be the life of the party, although more often the death of it.

We used to hang out in BARS with live entertainment, a large menu of exotics, and cheap double shots.  Sometimes we even did the cheap double shots with the exotics. “Hey Dave can I borrow some singles?” Now, ‘m’ hangs out in coffee shops where the entertainment is often a guy playing music without lyrics.  The exotics are made of various tree roots; the menu consists of finger sandwiches made of grilled ahi tuna and liverwurst, and the double shots are espresso roasts.  THIS IS NOT OUR MICK.  This is not change we can believe in.

In these upscale coffee shops, pool cues and dartboards have been replaced with laptops and notepads.  Neon lights have been replaced by ugly paintings of ugly things priced over 500.00 dollars.  Bar stools are now sofas, the tables have lamps on them, and the dance floors are covered with coat racks and large stand up plants (sometimes ferns!).  And let’s not forget to mention the urinal-less restroom decorated by some Martha Stewart wanna be. Please don’t forget to knock, lift the seat, and, heaven help you, aim, because it’s bi-sexual (like ‘m’).

Inside this group home like setting, ‘m’ has digressed to typing endless pages of rhetoric that will be read by no one.  When he wearies of this, he downs a few more double shots—espressos, that is—and bounces over to the other patrons saying “let the caffeine-induced political psycho-babbling commence!”  These three socialites then spend hours debating the last press conference held by Senator Frabish, heard only by those same three and the six other XM radio POTUS listeners.  THIS IS NOT OUR MICK.  This is not change we can believe in.

‘m’ needs all of the up-to-date technologically advanced gadgetries, but cannot operate any of them.  He moved on to Tivo although he never learned to record with his VCR.  He now owns a GPS but can’t get it out of Spanish mode.   He has a TV with surround sound and one speaker.

As for food, Mick used to always be up for the late night greasy spoon.  In college, not only was Mick fond of eating the cafeteria food, he was also fond of throwing it—he could fling peanut butter with the best of them.  But not ‘m’—only the finest for hi‘m’.  He has moved on to high society food, and organic peanut butter is just way too expensive for such flingery.  He now only eats Sushi, Japanese foods, or food from other spookily distant cultures (SDC). As a matter of fact, you may see ‘m’ eating anywhere except at an American restaurant. ‘m’ believes this is the proper etiquette of a man of his new found lowercase stature, although in the Orient, McDonalds would be the delicacy of choice. 

The coffee shops around here give last call at ten, which coincides with the new curfew ‘m’ has imposed on himself.  No more after hour parties for Mick… ‘m’ must ‘m’asterbate at ho‘m’e.

Well, at least one thing hasn’t changed.