Dave Atsals

Free Speech for Those who Can Afford It

by  • 

The Supreme Court Jokers
Dave Atsals

If you think the last presidential election was swayed by advertising and the almighty dollar (I donated a five spot), just wait to see what the future holds.  America’s Court Jesters, aka the Supreme Court, recently made a ruling that will change the face of politics forever—and not in a Botox, cheek-tuck kind of way.  These Jesters sing for the King and Queen with coats they borrowed from James Dean.  The SCOTUS decision allows corporations limitless advertisements for their handpicked candidates.  The move was actually defended by the likes of Mitch (cognitive age decline) McConnell.  “Our Democracy, Inc. depends upon free speech®, not just for some but for all™.”

This is not free speech for all.  It’s a golden megaphone for the rich.  This country of the people, for the people, will now just buy the damn people.  Enters America, Inc.  After all, money talks and the Daily Discord doesn’t have any (your advertisement here).  If we did, we could back our hand chosen candidate with unlimited spending to spread his or her gospel.  With enough money we could have a President Zano or a King Shaman (Don’t worry, we’re not that crazy).  Heck, I could be the next Elvis with the right campaign manager.  Well, at least the old, fat sequin-covered version. 

Free speech is not the freedom to spend unlimited money to drown out all other voices.  That’s our job.  For example, Ron Paul was ignored by Fox News around election time, because he didn’t parrot their talking points. If they had championed him, he might have won.  Does a third party have a platform or any real chance in America?  If the Tea Party doesn’t get in line with the bat shit right, soon, the plug will be pulled.  And this huge movement will be marginalized and ignored, like Mick Zano.

Exxon Mobil has unlimited cash, therefore they have unlimited speech.  Dave Atsal’s has only $3.55 and a rickety bar stool from which to preach his common sense.  If Dave yells at the bar and then stumbles into the woods will anyone hear him fall? 

Post the SCOTUS decision, we’re going to have corporate puppets instead of public officials representing us. Thank you, Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Kennedy for this.  The same Yahoo™s on the right yelling the loudest about fascism are backing the most fascist trends. 

Supporting my beliefs, Justice Stevens wrote “in context of the election to public office, the distinction between corporate and human speakers is significant.  They cannot vote or run for office.  Because they may be managed and controlled by nonresidents, their interests may conflict in fundamental respects with the interests of eligible voters.” 

Justice Scalia countered with this statement, “Release the flying monkeys!”

People have the right to speech, but corporations don’t. Sure, anyone has the right to say stuff in the good old US of A, but it doesn’t grant you an automatic platform. Hey, maybe I can have my bar stool raised?  I could expand my fiefdom of influence clear to the pool table.  Next time you walk downtown and hear that guy yelling “Sinner repent: the end is near,” you should stop and listen, because some similar nuts are now getting that golden megaphone (and it’s going to be very hard to keep walking).  The only thing worse than a religious nut shouting in your ear, is a corporate interest nut shouting in your ear.  Where’s my golden megaphone, damn it?  I want one.  Sure I’d hock the bitch to buy booze, but I’m a bad example (almost regardless of the subject matter). But does a Japanese company with some U.S. holdings (or for that matter a Chinese company holding most of the U.S.) have the same interest as you and I? 

Justice John Paul Stevens, appointed by Republican Gerald Ford, denounced the ruling as a dangerous rejection of common sense.

Stevens said, “While our democracy is imperfect, few outside the majority of this court would have thought its flaws included a dearth of corporate money in politics.” He continued, “the court’s ruling threatens to undermine the integrity of elected institutions across the nation.” 

I believe we could almost declare the winner of our next election now.  I can see it already…our next president King might be Rex W. Tillerson, head of Exxon Mobil.  Prop the bitch up and save us some time and headaches.  So Justices, get practicing on all of your cartwheels, juggling, and singing acts for the return of the king.  Oh, and according to a February Washington Post-ABC News poll, 85% of all Americans are opposed to this ruling.  Tell me those lobbyists aren’t already busy.
Share

All Hail Tiger Woods

by  • 

Dave Atsals

Tiger (the name says it all) Woods has been beat up, beat off, ridiculed, and fairly accused of doing what most men can only dream of.  To that end I say, All Hail the Tiger!  I know many are saying that these are despicable acts he committed that have caused much damage, but, in reality, everyone will be just fine (trust fund me on this). 

I know Mindy Laywton is still screaming his name.  She’s lucky, for it seems he took her on pro-bono.  (Remember Sesame Street?  Which one of these is not the other?).   After all, a drunken Tiger is not a bad catch for a waitress at a pancake house.   Better than I ever got…where’s my pancakes you toothless whore! (hat tip: Shappy).  Elin Nordegren, his soon ex-to-be, will end up loaded (and not in the drunk pancake house boinking kind of way).  His children Charlie and Sam may be impacted by this in the future, but, hey, at least they have normal names unlike most superstar kids.  Most of the child star phenomenon can be linked to poor name choices.  I’m talking to you Moon Unit.  Besides, neither of them has been hung over balconies, pricked by needles to establish paternity, and both will have a college fund on a NASA budget level. 

Tiger seems to be mirroring the life of his idol, Michael Jordan…perhaps taking the phrase I want to be like Mike just a little too seriously.  Jordan was also the king in his sport when he ran into gambling and infidelity problems.  Like Mike, Tiger is now taking an indefinite leave from his sport.  Some of Tiger’s sponsors may be hurt, claiming cost damages of 5-12 billion dollars.  Personally any company that has 5-12 billion to spend on Tiger commercials can handle the hit.  Besides, past sponsors like Nike, Gillette, and Gatorade will easily be replaced with new ones such as Trojan, Cialis, and Maaco.  Rumor has it, Elin is already working out a deal with Spalding to market a new driver called, The Smasher, with the campaign, so many car windows, so little time.

Take a look at some of the reported mistresses: our four waitresses, two from the adult film industry, two models and one cougar.  This tells me Tiger is not stuck on himself and does not discriminate based upon age, wealth, weight, or even looks.  In fact, it seems as though he is just basically horny and wanted.

These escapades are not surprising to me. The life of a superstar, much like a Daily Discord contributor, is not like the life of your average American nobody (AAN).  But let’s face it, everyone can’t handle temptation like a Catholic priest (maybe not the best example, but you get my drift).  Many pro athletes have a girlfriend in every city they visit.  Wilt Chamberlain, the first sport star to hit a million (and we are not talking dollars), had hundreds of women in every city.  These women are not victims.  This is what they wanted.  Just ask Ben Rothlisberger. 

But one question still haunts me:  how did a guy with the name Wilt successfully bed so many women?

This does lead back to the steroid question in golf.  The PGA has no drug testing policy in place, often sighting the fact that most competitors are fat and out of shape (obviously not steroid users).  Besides, if they tested for narcotics, pot, and alcohol, John Daily would be permanently barred from the tour.  Even Happy Gilmore may be forced out of the major tournaments.  They also believe theirs is a gentleman’s sport where they call their own fouls and trust their member’s integrity.  Tiger, after all, is a member of the firmest standing, thanks in part to the untested purple pill.  These escapades make me wonder, could he be using steroids?  After all, his gentleman image is now down the tubes and his new body-builder-like physic was not gotten at pancake houses while boozing.

To all of this I say, All hail the Tiger.  I imagine the new Cialis, “I Want to be like Tiger” campaign is already in the works.  It’s simple chemistry: 1 Tiger + one Cougar + two purple pills = one member in very firm standing.  And girls…do you have a little Tiger in you?

I need to shave, put on a skirt, and head out to obtain a minimum wage job at the local all night flap jack joint and wait for the call of the wild.
Share