Dave Atsals

There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road

There Ain’t No Church on Fire Tower Road
Dave Atsals

In the last couple of months central PA saw two major events: an earthquake and a massive flood. Not to mention the earthquake in Penn State. Each event showed the average American’s lack of intelligence. They all made Mick Zano look like Walter Cronkite and the Ghetto Shaman look like the Dalai friggin’ Lama.

During this little earth shaking event, I immediately realized what was happening. My average American coworker, however—not so much. In fact his exact words were, “Did you just fart?” To this I remained silent, I didn’t want to risk the chance he would fire me. Don’t worry, I remained silent but deadly. Revenge is dish best served warm and wafted.

As my Facebook page was lighting up with messages and posts such as, “What was that?” and “Did Dave just fart?” I left one of my own witty remarks.  We all remember that REM song, The end of the world as we know it? You know, the one that goes: That’s great it started with an earthquake birds and snakes, an airplane, Lenny Bruce is not Afraid? With that song as the basis of my post, I left the following witty remark, “I just saw Lenny Bruce…and, boy, did he look scared.” For this wonderfully intelligent post I received no Likes and only one comment, “Hey did you just feel the ground shake where you live?” To which I just had to reply, “No but I think my boss just farted…..Dumb Ass!”

Two weeks later our whole area was hit by a major flood. I mean a big one, with houses, cars, entire roads, and even a few establishments of worship (you know, bars) went floating down stream. Even my poor friend Terry was swept away, bar stool and all. He did manage to keep his cigarette lit somehow. Pennsylvanians are tough. I’ll give ’em that.

Even places not along rivers were flooded, like where I live, on the side of a sizeable mountain.  Barns, cows, cars, neighbors, neighbors that looked like cows, all could be seen taking water rides.  The water runoff down the mountain road was like a tidal wave.  In fact, even the street sign, Fire Tower Rd., was washed away (which will become an important point in our tale). 

While I was out battening down the hatches and closing up the shutters, a VW bug, up to its hubcaps in water, stopped in front of my house. The driver rolled down the window and a column of pot smoke that looked like the Hiroshima mushroom cloud emerged from the window. When it finally cleared, a man, possibly Willie Nelson, looked out at me through blood shot eyes. He explained he heard the highest ground around was at the top of Fire Tower Road and he wanted to seek an elevated area to pray. I explained to him that Fire Tower Road was a dirt road with a river currently running down it, but gave him directions all the same. Sarcastically I said I think the VW would make it up just fine, maybe it would even float.

And Float the God Damn thing did; he must have made it up about 50 yards. Then over the river and through the woods, towards grandmother’s house he went. Thankfully she moved to Arizona years ago. I’d hate to be singing, “Grandma got run over by a Stoner” for the holidays. About an hour later I took out the 4-wheel drive Chevy to assess the local damage. It was bad, real bad, but better than that pot-smoking preacher. I found him clinging for dear life to the roof of the VW. He was drenched, scared sober, shaking, and sobbing. As I drove by, he said, “All I wanted to do was get up that hill to pray, man!”

As I passed, creating a wake high enough to enter his car, I said, “By the way, Sparky, there ain’t no church on Fire Tower Road.”


Holiday Inn?  How about Holiday Out

Dave Atsals

Holidays are excessive and outlandish, like liberal budgets.  But if you don’t get off work for them, what the hell’s the point? I did a web search on popular U.S. Holidays (I can do these now…with help). I found a list of fifty-one of them.  So let me get this straight, there are more holidays than states in the union?  Which makes me wonder, what would we do on South Dakota Day?  Anyway, I have broken down our holiday cheer into a few arbitrary and quite meaningless categories.

Category 1 (the must keeps):

These entail the big ones, which most people agree are the major leaguers (aka, we get off work, eat and drink to excess).  Namely, Christmas, Easter, Labor Day, Independence Day, Memorial Day and Thanksgiving.  Although Christmas and Easter are holidays of religious significance, I don’t hold that against them.  You see, I don’t do churches, cults, synagogues, or any place of worship, but they still meet my main criteria.  For each of these I typically get off work and then I either eat or drink to excess, sometimes both. 

The only sucky thing about them is putting together that one gift on that box that reads “Easy to Assemble”, especially after eating and drinking to excess on Christmas Eve.  And you can’t even start until after the kids are asleep.  Labor Day and Memorial Day also meet the key Holiday criteria (KHC), extra crispy, although they do involve a cook out with the family, so hopefully you like them.  This section isn’t broke, so we’re not going to fix it.

Category 2 (Questionable):

These entail only two major offenders, Halloween and Valentine’s Day.  You don’t get off work for either of these, so they by no means meet the Must Keep criteria.  However, they both have a few advantages.  Halloween is a costume and candy day.  There is nothing better than tricking treating for shots and beers as your children are raking in the candy.  (Note of interest to adults, Jack Daniels does not mix well with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  Thanks for teaching us that important lesson at the Discord’s last X-mas, Mr. Winslow).  Halloween also get some kudos because there’s always that one hot single mom running around in the French Maid outfit.  Of course, most of the points for this holiday can go down the shitter when Zano shows up at your house in the aforementioned French Maid outfit.

Now Valentine’s Day is OK, except for having to do all that I Love you crap leading up to the sex. This is that dreaded day, fellas, when foreplay is required.  But, it is nice to know you are almost guaranteed a piece at least one day a year.  So there’s actually a payoff for taking all those damn little blue pills. 

(Note of interest: When you are sexually ignored on Valentine’s Day your marriage may be heading into serious Alex Trebek country). 

Category 3 (why bother?):

The rest of the Holidays all fit into this Why Bother category, particular ones of note are Ground Hog Day, Columbus Day, and Presidents Day.  Ground Hog Day is just a joke.  I think we should have one last Ground Dog day this coming year, where we watch that Bill Murray movie a few times and then get all jihad on that furry bastard’s ass.  Wouldn’t it be great seeing Punxsutawney Phil sustaining a blast that would launch him into space?  It’s a good lesson on the effectiveness on terrorism, not to mention it could inspire NASAs next shuttle program.

Columbus Day is a little old as well.  Everyone currently knows the Earth is round and America exists.  We also know Columbus wasn’t the first one to find the damn place anyway.  Heck, his first clue should have been when he had to tap Leif Ericson on the shoulder so he could have a word with Sacajawea.  Besides, if we got rid of Columbus Day would he really care?  I don’t think so… he’s dead, and has been so since around 1500.   The guy thought he was in India, for Pete’s sake.  And his culturally insensitive name has upset countless Native Americans, so why not celebrate his birthday in India instead?

Finally, I propose three more paid Holidays a year, each one dedicated to a different deserving American.  How about Dick Clark Day?  We might have to work on the name so it doesn’t offend anyone or cause a breach of the peace.  The second one should be for Clint Eastwood, a true American hero, at least in the movies.  And, most importantly, the last one should be for me, Dave Atsals. I can see it now…a day off work in my honor.  We can all wear Cowboy boots with sweat pants and drink cheap beer as we conga-line down the Main Streets of America.  Now that’s a Holiday!

A note from our CEO, Mr. Pierce Winslow:

In Mr. Atsals’ original post, holiday was spelled with two Ls throughout the entire document. And I can’t even begin to explain how or why he attempted to spell Sacajawea with a Q.   Mr. Atsals is truly one of our special staffers and it is our sincere hope here at the Discord that Dave masters his spell and grammar check features…but we’re not holding our breath. 

Until then, say hi to Qsukugeweeka for us, Dave!

Pierce Winslow, CEO