Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Ghetto Shaman’s Best Smeller List

  1. Happy Hour Healer: A Shaman’s Ale
  2. The Tao of Skull Fucking, Editor’s Edition (rare)
  3. The Healing Powers of Certain Massage Parlors        
  4. Orgy Margarita Night: the Sacred O.M.N.
  5. Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Everbody Feng Shui Tonight
  6. Plants Speak to Me, Women Don’t
  7. My Rieki Robotripping Retreat: The Three Rs
  8. Ayahuasca: Encounters with Some Freaky Shit in the Woods
  9. Superconsciousness Through Vodka Binging: The Fifth Way
  10. Battery Operated Vibrational Healing

Governor David A. Paterson: Running Blind

New York, NY – Governor David A. Paterson is still running for re-election as Governor of New York, despite President Barak Obama’s suggestion that he withdraw from the race…oh, we can’t do this.  The guy is blind.  How is that funny?  Scrap this one, Winslow.  We have to draw the line somewhere.  Besides, why is this guy Governor of New York if his name’s Paterson?  Sounds like he’s a few miles off the mark, eh?  I used to do dope runs in Paterson all the time.  Good times, good times.  

So how’s the kids?  Can you do something about the Crank? He is really starting to piss me off.  Did you see the pic where he’s water boarding me?  What the hell is that shit?  He is out of control, dude!  Since when is torture funny?

You wanna get drunk this weekend?

Bin Laden Tape and Pelosi Close-Up Combine to Raise National Threat Level

Washington, DC – After reviewing Bin Laden’s latest attempt at relevancy, September’s National Intelligence Estimate report concludes that he is “still an asshole”.  The NIE also warns America that Nancy Pelosi is a scary, scary woman up close.  Combine these two events in the same month and you have the first National Threat Level hike since Barney Frank’s You Tube Sex Tape release.

“Thankfully, this is not that serious,” said Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano, who, upon viewing the Frank tape, commented, “I will never be able to look at the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man the same way again.”

When asked if the picture of Pelosi, depicted above, might reverse the President’s decision to gut missile defense in Eastern Europe, Napolitano responded, “Missile defense whatsas?” 

H1N1 Straining Human/Cyborg Relations

Washington, DC – World leaders met at the White House today to address the critical issue of our time.

“The time for debate is over,” warned President Obama.  “An appropriate name for the current pandemic virus must be found.”

The World Health Organization has thus far been unable to find a politically correct name for this dangerous strain of influenza.  The original designation, Swine Flu, was deemed offensive to the Jewish community, and the second attempt, Mexican Flu, immediately angered the Mexican “Government”.  The third and little known suggestion, Mexico Shitty, never made it through the testing process.  Even the seemingly generic title H1N1 is now apparently straining human/cyborg relations.  The ACME line of H1N1 house droids, a distant cousin of the R2 unit, are outraged that their name is being used in such a fashion.

One H1N1 unit had this to say, “001011001101010, bitches!”

In an effort to smooth over this increasingly tense situation, the World Health Organization is suggesting that H1N1 be renamed one last time. 

“After much debate,” said Obama. “I am happy to announce that the flu will from hence forth be known as Piggy Pox.”

In a preemptive move, Obama also suggested that Miss. Piggy, “Zip it.”

Obama Appoints Girl Scout as FEMA Czar

Washington, DC – President Obama has unveiled his decision to appoint 12-year old Carla Pedersen from Des Moines, IA, to the position of FEMA Czar.

“Janet Napolitano is going to have to share her power with an outstanding young adult, who I am honored to have aboard team Obama.”

Troop leader, Mrs. Nancy, had this to say, “Carla is a star pupil.  She aced everything from survival skills to knot tying, and, despite the recession, her cookie sales remain high.”

When Obama was asked if the Girl Scouts organization could really prepare someone for such a critical position, the President replied, “They’re doing a heck of job, Brownies.”

When no one laughed, Obama continued.  “Look, she couldn’t do any worse than Katrina.”

Katrina, an 11 year old from Ohio, chose this moment to breakdown in tears.

“Besides,” continued Obama, “adolescents have an unemployment rate over 25%.  This will help .0001 percent.  And this is hopefully the first of many such child czars.”

Obama dismissed his critics and claimed he would keep ‘Scouting’ for new talent.

“Besides,” added Obama, “old people didn’t vote for me, so fuck’em.  Now, if you will excuse me, it’s craft time.” 

Some are concerned about handing an integral section of our Homeland Security Department over to an unqualified child.  President Obama also seems oblivious to the inherent pressure child Czars face these days.  Conspiracy theorists believe Obama’s out-of-control Czaring practices begs a reinterpretation of the movie 2010 A Space Odyssey.  The phrase, if read correctly, becomes It’s all filled with Czars, which proves, at the very least, this Discord staffer needs to find a productive hobby.

Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration

Winslow Cancels Discord One Year Anniversary Celebration

Philadelphia, PA – The Daily Discord’s CEO, Pierce Winslow, claims that the festivities scheduled for this big event have been cancelled in honor of a new Discord tradition, Great Recession Day.  Winslow would like to extend a big ‘thank you’ and an even bigger ‘Happy Anniversary’ to the Daily Discord, now heralded by at least one bald person in Vegas as “bordering on significant.” 

Now a word from the Big Guy himself: “We are laying off several Discord staffers, who either don’t earn their keep or just plain SUCK.  Your pink slips are in the mail, bitches.  In an effort to save on unemployment compensation, some of you are encouraged to report from deep within Taliban controlled territories, or from inside North Korea itself.  The Crank is no longer both Goomis and the Crank; having two names is a luxury we can no longer afford.  We are all going to have to make sacrifices.  The Ghetto Shaman agrees to continue to work for chicken wings, because “my message is too important for mankind, and I love the suicide sauce!”

Pokey should be released from jail soon, but his parole officer is not thrilled with his participation in our fine Ezine.  On a related note, screw you, officer Desoto!  Dave Atsals has finally agreed to stop sending material in exchange for beer.  That is all…oh, and remember, Big Winslow is watching.  Oh, and check out our anniversary page from week one!  I posted the first historic feature article, and it’s been all downhill every since.

Obamacare to not Cover Tourettes Syndrome; Congressman Pissed

Obamacare to not Cover Tourettes Syndrome; Congressman Pissed

Washington, DC – During President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress on Wednesday, South Carolina Republican congressman Joe Wilson blurted out “YOU LIE!”. The outburst, described by Wilson as “spontaneous”, was apparently in response to Obama’s announcement that the new nationalzed health care plan will not cover treatment for Tourettes syndrome. After the session, Wilson contacted the Whitehouse and apologized for what he called “innappropriate and regrettable” comments.

Wilson also added “Bitch! Whuuuuup! Chirp! Chirp! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

Planting Some New All-Natural Breast Implants

Faard, ID – Farmers in rural Idaho announced the discovery of the ultimate all-natural breast implants.

Local spokesperson, Knut Feelcopper, had this to say, “We have grown the perfect breasts, the Shroom Boobs.”

Feelcopper and his minions spent months testing these fungus-based boobies on several intern’s undisclosed locations.

“These breast augmentatas are perfectly safe and are known for their realistic feel and shape,” said Feelcopper. “Many worked late into the night, often to the chagrin of their wives, on these non-toxic nature titties.  Such fond mammarys. We call our growing area the ‘field of creams’, because the Shroom Boobs actually lactate and, er, I’d rather not say the other reason.”

Apparently, the longer they grow, the larger they get.  They come in sizes named after celebrities, ranging from the week-old Keira Knightly model to the six month old Pamela Anderson variety. Talk about a shroom with a view! 

Here’s the Feelcopper pitch: Instead of just being the perfect tit, for only $22 you can have the perfect tit.  But wait, there’s more!  If you order now, we’ll toss off the second Shroom Boob free!  For those more adventurous, try the Tripping Hippy Shroom Boob.  Just chew on our psychedelic nipples and knockers down those perky doors of perception.  Ask your plastic surgeon if Shroom Boobs are right for you.  If all else fails, they make a great soup (no milk necessary). 

Farmer Feelcopper wants you to be on the lookout for his upcoming Assparagus line, his Chia-Tits line, and his extremely controversial eggplant parmedongs, all coming soon to a produce section near you! 

The Rise and Propofall of Michael Jackson

Nowhere, AZ – Look, when Elvis died I understood all of the hoopla.  After all, he was The King.  In fact, he was more than that, he was the once and future King.  The guy destined to return when the land is in most need of sequins.  The Presley Priests remain in their traditional garb all across the Vegas strip in anticipation of the return of the King.  Elvis Presley deserved his following and he deserved the media frenzy associated with his tragic, but less than dignified, demise (but I think he should have killed Lancelot for what he did to Queen Priscilla of the Desert).  Now Jackson on the other hand… If I have to sit through one more Jacko, fashion is dead, freak-show hell-montage as the cable experts enlighten me on the latest developments…UGG.  It makes me want to shoot my face off.  I did it!  I killed him. I made him shotgun all those Big Jug Extra forties that night.  It was a drinking game!  Arrest me already, just please get back to the Michael Vick stuff.  When famous people die, there should be a separate channel for the aftermath.  We can have old commentators prerecord all of the sappy goodness about everyone famous and then only air it after they’re both dead.  They can call it the 24 hour a day Remember These Fuckers Channel (RTFC).  I don’t want this channel anywhere near any station that I might actually want to watch (like maybe up by Comedy Central).   The news coverage should entail about five minutes when they die and maybe another five minute follow-up when we find out who done it.  You don’t see the Daily Discord going on and on and on about…OK, bad example.  But how about limiting it to one day of coverage, so I can get back to the more traditional ‘Senator sleeps with horse’ stuff that usually constitutes my evening news.  Geez.