Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Discord Sues Sarah Palin on Charges of Self Satire

Sarah Palin steals Discord thunder about her own stupidity

Nashville, TN—During Sarah Palin’s keynote address to the Teaparty yesterday this picture was taken of her crib notes. This is a real picture. The words on her hand are believed to read: Energy, Budget [crossed out] Cuts, Tax, Lift American spirits. If you look closely something is even scratched out amidst her, uhum, in-depth bullet points. The crossed out piece is believed to read Daily D. (Daily Discord?). Supporters claim she may actually have been trying to give us credit by footnoting the similar joke posted by the Discord on January 13, 2010. 12:00:00 AM PST. But Sarah Palin is no friend of the Discord? The Daily Discord’s CEO is furious.

“How are we supposed to make fun of this tart, if our obvious exaggerations prove true?” said Pierce Winslow. “We spare no expense Photoshopping a crib sheet and the ditzy bitch pulls this?! How can we possibly dumb this broad down anymore?”

Head writer for the Daily Discord, Mick Zano, has reportedly scrapped the next two Palin bits involving spit balls and wedgies, just in case.

Haitian Refugees Housed in Guantanamo Mistakenly Tortured

Refugees detained at Gitmo

The Red Cross reports massive widespread abuses to those Haitian refugees shuttled to Gitmo as part of the ongoing rescue efforts.  According to Army Major General Ted Jenkins, the glitch occurred as a result of a memo that failed to reach all of the prison guards.

In his defense, General Jenkins said, “If I forget to hit reply all, my emails only go to one person.  Or, sometimes I even reply to myself when I accidentally start from my sent folder.”

The General believes a similar error occurred at Abu Ghraib prison, when his memo, if you do plan to stack detainees into a naked pyramid, don’t take any pictures, was somehow mistakenly saved as a draft instead of forwarded to the intended recipients.

After hundreds of refugees were relocated from Port-au-Prince to the nearby detention facility, things quickly got ugly.

“I guess they figured business as usual,” said Jenkins, laughing nervously.

According to the Red Cross, the new arrivals were all subjected to sleep deprivation, waterboarding, walling, and sexual humiliation, or the ‘Cheney Special’ as the guards like to call it.   Thankfully, there have been no reported deaths at Guantanamo Bay since the arrival of the refugees.

“But we don’t usually report those,” admitted Jenkins. “Deaths tend to only come out after the investigations…but, hey, on the bright side, most of the folks were so thirsty they didn’t seem to mind the waterboarding.”

General Jenkins assured authorities all of the abuses would stop immediately, “Except maybe the sexual humiliation.  It’s kind of a favorite around here.” 

Earlier today, Jenkins told the Daily Discord he personally sent an email to cease and desist all torture activities.

“But I’m on wireless now, which is a little trickier,” said Jenkins, “but I’m sure they got the message…but what does Error Code 0x8000FFFF mean?  And what is a WiFi Troubleshooter manager?”

Super Bowl Ads Unaffordable: CBS to Replay Footage of Janet Jackson’s Breast

Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction to be re-aired

The big game has the most expensive time slots on television.  This year, since even Budweiser has taken a pass on super bowl commercials, CBS is scrambling to fill their spots with ‘vintage NFL commercials and halftime moments,’ including Janet Jackson’s infamous c-cup debacle.

“The shock value will be gone this year, of course,” said CBS president Sean McManus, “but viewers will be more prepared to enjoy the boobage, set their DVRs or, in some cases, cover the eyes of their young ones.”

McManus reports having missed the first airing of Jackson’s breast because, “I was in the can.”

When asked why CBS doesn’t simply lower the cost of these spots to match these difficult times, McManus only laughed.  CBS and the National Football League understand the lack of new beer commercials will create a void in the lives of football fans everywhere.  So CBS and the NFL are suggesting that during breaks this year people consider intercourse.  CBS would also like to add the word consensual. And, of course, they suggest an alternative if you’re at a sports bar or in some other public place.

“Oh, and if you’re single,” added McManus, “Go fuck yourself.”

McManus later added the qualifier, “but in a good way” to his earlier statement.

Vegas Blue Man Group Jumps Director James Cameron in Alley

Blue Man Group Works over James Cameron

Director James Cameron reported a violent personal attack on Friday. He identified his assailants as the Vegas showmen known as the Blue Man Group.

“They didn’t say a word,” said Cameron, “But the assault was well choreographed.” Cameron told police he had written the Blue Man Group a letter, in which he apologized about not casting them in his recent film Avatar. Unappeased, the performers accused Cameron of copyright infringement.  Their chief complaint involved the director’s choice to cast blue ‘imposters’ in the movie.

“They called me a racist and a Blue Meanie,” said Cameron, “which I believe is a Beatles reference.”

Things escalated for the director in early November after the grisly discovery of a severed Mountain Banshee head in his bed.  After last week’s assault, which witnesses describe as “entertaining, ambitious, and exhilarating,” Cameron sustained injuries to his clothing and parts of his ego. 

“I didn’t know my planet, Pandora, could unleash so many ills on the world,” said Cameron.  “I didn’t see that coming.  Well, I suppose it is better than what they did to the Smurfs.”

Papa Smurf, or what’s left of him, was unavailable for comment.

Obama Admits The Count Tallied Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

Obama Admits The Count Tallied Jobs Created by the Stimulus Package

Washington, DC—The Obama Administration is investigating its own near-criminal inflation of the total jobs created by the stimulus plan. Some of the problem is due to the questionable decision to hire The Count von Count, of Sesame Street fame, to tally the numbers.

“It started out well enough,” said stimulus overseer Ed DeSeve.  “He counted full-time jobs created by the stimulus package, then he counted part-time jobs created by the stimulus package, and then at some point he started counting ceiling tiles.”

According to witnesses, The Count started the project with, “One! One job created by the stimulus package, ah, ah, ah…  Two! Two jobs created by the stimulus package, ah ah ah…” but, by day twelve, The Count was overheard saying, “Four! Four thousand cars on the Southeast Freeway, ah, ah, ah…”

“We knew right then we were screwed,” said DeSeve.  “I told Barak that we should have gone with Grover.”

The Obama Administration is trying to put the best spin possible on the matter.

“It’s not known when The Count transitioned from counting real jobs to counting random inanimate objects,” said Obama, “but we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that some of those early numbers were legitimate jobs created.”

Obama is denying allegations that he had planned to name The Count his Enumeration Czar in early February.

“I would also like to dispel any rumors that Burt or Ernie will be my next Family Values Czarinas.”

Washington insiders believe neither Ernie nor Burt have spoken to the president since his stance on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

Rescue Called Off in Haiti: Too Many Survivors Asking to Return to Rubble

Rescue Called Off in Haiti: Too Many Survivors Asking to Return to Rubble

Port-au-Prince, Haiti—Rescuers are calling off the hunt for survivors throughout Haiti as the people hauled out of the debris in the last few days are now choosing to return there in droves.

“It’s disheartening,” said an American soldier, who would only identify himself as Captain Steve Manning of 172 Fourth St., Bethesda, MD, “but, I must admit, conditions are somewhat better under several tons of concrete.”

“I’m going back in,” said one Haitian survivor.  “And I will not come out again until Conan O’Brien makes a decision!”

Oh, forget it.  Scratch this one, Winslow.  Go with the song I wrote: On the asphalt, the city asphalt, the Tiger sleeps at night.  I’m telling you, Winslow, we can milk this Tiger Woods thing for another three months.  Trust me on this one.  When have I let you down?  Well, besides the iTit bit and my last several submissions.