Moscow, RU—Instead of discussing the recent terrorist attack in his country, Vladimir Putin remained fixated throughout his speech today on Russia’s poor Olympic performance. Putin blamed his country’s gross underachieving on global warming.

“Climate change is real, and it’s real bad for the Winter Olympics,” said Putin.

The Russian President went on to explain how the warmer weather riddled Team Russia with obstacles.

“Except those event-specific obstacles one would expect,” clarified Putin. “Coaches reported how each time the figure skaters or hockey players practiced, the slush on the ice was almost ankle high. And don’t even get me started on curling,” added Putin.

While trying to maintain the ice, Zamboni drivers drowned almost daily.

“How many more Zamboni drivers must die before the world wakes up to the dangers we all face?!” yelled a weepy Putin. (Incidentally, if you Google ‘yelled a weepy putin’ you get a tree indigenous to Narnia.)

Russia’s utter embarrassment has drastically shifted the country’s perception of climate change. To drill that point home, Putin ended his speech with a plea to Al Gore, “If Mr. Gore would come out of hiding, Russia would like to commission him to direct our own climate change awareness film, It Could Happen To Moscow.”

Nashville, TN—Former Vice President Al Gore is downplaying his retreat into seclusion since the recent global warming scandal surfaced.

“I was not hiding for that!” insisted Gore.  “I was getting up the courage to tell the American people my real inconvenient truth.”

Gore revealed to a stunned audience that he enjoys dressing like a woman, “even more than Rudy Giuliani.”

Gore admitted to reporters that the real motivation behind his “green” activism was the fear that “if the world became too hot, people would notice my fishnet stockings.”  Gore added, “Now that my secret is out, I plan to strut my stuff whenever and wherever possible.”

Gore ended the press conference by pulling off his suit pants, revealing a pair of silky nylons, to the backdrop of Tim Curry’s version of Sweet Transvestite.

He then attempted to climb a nearby flag pole, yelling, “I am woman, hear me Gore!” before being dragged out of the room by security.  

Dear Sir,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the above faux article about the “green” activist who wears women’s clothes. Many of my best friends are eco-activists and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully,

Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.)

PS — I have never kissed the editor of the Daily Discord.

State College, PA—In another complete waste of the tax payer’s dime, two Daily Discord contributors used stimulus funds to conduct research on as many young coeds as they could get their hands on.

“The research was not without its challenges,” admitted head researcher, Dave Atsals. “It’s getting harder to get women to let us into their dorm rooms, because we’re older and creepier now.”

Fellow researcher, Mick Zano, could not disagree more.  “We were always creepy, Dave.” 

The two conducted a study that suggests a robust and perky correlation between marijuana use and college shindiggery.  The journal article, entitled, Dorms, Bongs, and Misdemeanors: A Quaaludeatative Study on Wine, Women, and Weed, is due to post in Lancet, if Winslow can hack into their database when no one is looking. 

The study has survived the rigorous beer-review process and was passed around in a circle along with some choice hydroponic bud.

When asked why the two researchers chose young college women as their test subjects instead of lab rats, they both replied in unison, “You’re kidding, right?”

Actually, there was a long pause before their, back-of-the-throat type, gaspy answer.  The researchers both followed up the question with a long stream of greasy smoke and several STDs.

Philadelphia, PA – Pierce Winslow, CEO of the Daily Discord and notorious dickhead, shot down yet another potential contributor today. This week it was a cartoonist from the Chicago area, last week it was a writer from Jersey. Winslow is always ready to crush the dreams of young talent wherever they might reside.

“The guy wanted money for material. Are ya kiddin’ me?” said Winslow. “We pay chicken scratch around here. In fact, it’s grade D but edible chicken scratch. If you’re good, maybe you’ll get an upgrade to peanuts. Our year-end bonus is bubkis and last year for Christmas bonuses I gave out a pen set that turned out to be pencils.”

“Yeah, cash, what’s that?” stated Dave Atsals. “I have to barter that chicken feed into people feed. And do you have any idea how pissed-off the IRS gets when you send them a baggie of cracked corn instead of cash?”

Winslow explained that if you want to contribute material to the Daily Discord: “It’s for fame and glory purposes only.”

Winslow went on to explain the intensive editing process, wherein Mick Zano adds Lousy Acronym Jokes (LAC) and then he forwards the document to Dave Atsals, who works his Photoshop magic.

“Then he typically loses the file,” said Zano, “or, more accurately, I lose the file. Weeks or months later someone says something like, ‘What happened to that bit about The Klingon Ice Weasels’ and then there’s this sort of communal shrug, so we keep drinking.”

“It’s better than how the process used to work,” added Atsals.

In an exclusive interview, the Son of God interviewed Barak “Messiah” Obama.  Christ almost immediately called Obama a “whiner” and said today’s political climate was “child’s play” compared to his own experiences.

“You try transitioning mankind from the Old Testament to the New Testament some time,” said Jesus.  “Now that’s change you can believe in.  When I came into power people were stoning gays to death, and God was smiting this and smiting that.  He was taking out whole towns, for My sake.”

When Obama questioned how he handled economic issues, Jesus said, “I, quite literally, turned the tables on the economic gurus of the time.”

But Jesus admitted he was out of control that day, which he attributes to consuming too much “Blood of Me.”  Jesus has never been able to forgive himself for his actions, because “Forgiveness is not my scene, man.”

“Look,” said Jesus, “they can’t do anything worse to you than they did to me.”

When Obama asked him to recount his final moments, Jesus said, “Well, it was a lot better than Mel Gibson’s portrayal in the Passion of the Christ but it was a lot worse than Monty Python’s version in Life of Brian.”

Jesus also admitted the Shroud of Turin was a fake, but that the grilled cheese image from Carolina was legit.

“I just happened to be in town and thought, fry not?” 

Springfield, (classified)—A Springfield man is in custody after the discovery that Al-Qaeda operatives have infiltrated several U.S. nuclear power plants.  Springfield’s Mayor, Joe Quimby, wants answers—and not the “Yes” ones that he usually requires of his staff.  Since the plant’s debut in 1989, Mr. Simpson has been involved in several near melt downs while manning the facility’s T-437 Safety Console.  Shockingly, none have resulted in his dismissal.  The owner of the Springfield plant, C. Montgomery Burns, is adamantly denying Simpson’s ties to terrorism.

“If this walking garbage-disposal of a man is Al-Qaeda then I’m Sandra Bullock.”

Neighbors describe Simpson as, “Oakily Doakily.”  However, Homer Simpson is well known to the local police department.

Chief Clancy Wiggum had this to say, “Simpson’s a menace.  I deal with him and his family almost weekly, usually Sundays 8:00-8:30PM on Fox.”

Thus far Simpson’s request to be “Yoo-Hoo boarded” has been denied.  Bush Attorney John Yoo defends the practice of Yoo-Hoo boarding on purely phonetical grounds.

“Besides, how could something so creamy and chocolaty be torture?” said Yoo.

“Mmmm, chocolaty,” said Simpson.