Apparently, what happens in international waters, stays in international waters. If pirates are caught by, say, the Dutch Navy, the pirates are often immediately escorted back to Somalia, after being rewarded the complimentary case of Heineken. Forward to last week: the Russians foiled a pirate take-over of one of their own ships. When asked about the fate of the pirates, Vladimir Putin responded thusly:

“Ahhhh, it seems they have all died…of natural causes. We caught them, we had coffee, we smoked, and we let them go.  They took off in their little ship, and we waved goodbye.  We even gave them the complimentary Heineken. All seemed well. Then, it seems, er…they all died. We don’t know why. Not by us, I can assure you. We seem to be missing some bullets, but we see no correlation. One minute they were there, the next “poof” their gone. What a mystery, heh? We looked for them, but to no avail. The Heineken bottles were recovered and consumed by my men. We are shrugging our collective Russian shoulders over the whole thing.”

Thank you, Vlad baby, for “dieing” those pirates for us, wink-wink-nudge-nudge. Your testicles are certainly growing. You will need a wheelbarrow for them soon, no? As they say in Italy, when you have oversized nuts, “Walk-a proud, Vlad.  Walk-a proud.”

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is furious that no one posted any of the Daily Discord’s  submissions for this week’s Draw Muhammad Day.

“Sure, we Photoshopped the shit, but that’s how we roll.  Who draws?  Do I look like I still play with crayons, you cretin-blogging dickwads?!  OK, don’t answer that.”

Witnesses claim that Winslow has grown completely irrational after the realization that every blogger from Seattle to Georgia refused to post any of the Daily Discord’s twenty-seven computer generated submissions.

“That’s nonsense,” disagreed Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  “Winslow’s always completely irrational.” 

Since no one picked up any of the controversial material, Mr. Winslow is calling for lashings, beheadings, and belashings—which is, actually, more reminiscent of his ill-received Draw Muhammad in Drag Day.  In retaliation, the Daily Discord is planning to host Everybody Photoshop Muhammad Day next week and Winslow would like to add, “And we’re not taking any of your submission at this time, bitches.”

Mars—”Let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel” has a new, more cosmic, meaning today.  NASA scientists watched, in horror, as the latest rover footage from the red “hot” planet reveals the Spirit lander “scouting out” the Scout probe.  NASA believes that the blackout period in January of 2004 was all part of this insidious rover rendezvous, this illegal droidian download, this planetary probe probing, this hydraulic hanky-panky, this bionic booty call, this mechanical mambo, this….I’m being told to stop.

NASA scientists are considering a phone call to PPS (Probe Protective Services) fearing the unauthorized cybernukie may not be consensual. It is likely that the video, shot by the aptly named “Opportunity”, may be deemed child pornography since none of the participants are of age.

Since commands to Opportunity have thus far been ignored, the racy spacey mating ritual may continue for the next several years, or until Opportunity blows a fuse, or blows something else.

A recent unscientific poll conducted in a bar by drunken Discordians suggests that people don’t like Discord reporters approaching them when their “this drunk.” A second poll, involving massive quantities of microbrews, can only be described by this reporter as implementing something now termed enhanced polling techniques. A third poll, not at all appropriate for minors, reveals something even more intriguing. People are far less enthusiastic about a visit from a Jehovah Witness than any–we made shit up about Jesus and wear magic underwear–Mormons.  Here is an actual conversation between Pokey McDooris and two unidentified pedestrians:

Pokey:  “Are you Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses?”

Pedestrians: “We’re Mormons.”

Pokey: “Whooo Hooo! I win a beer!”

I think this exchange enhances our understanding of the problem this nation faces, although we’re not exactly sure how.

Philadelphia, PA—CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, has withdrawn his May 25^th plans to post dozens of pictures of the Prophet Mohammed in women’s clothing.  Winslow fell under a barrage of pressure to scratch the project, which featured a controversial GIF animation display depicting Mohammed in various clips from Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Our own Ghetto Shaman stated, “What’s the big deal?  They all dress like girls in the Middle East anyway…just look at Klinger from M*A*S*H.”

“I’m disappointed,” said Winslow. “People need to know the untold story—that Mohammed could accessorize with the best of them.  Mohammed had bling, damn it.  I hate bling.”

South Park creator Trey Parker responded to the Discord’s cowering thusly, “Pussies.”

Cambridgeshire, GB—Stephen Hawking insists we must Avoid All Contact with Aliens (AACA).

“First, those cowboys over at SETI must be stopped! Second, we need to intercept and destroy Voyager.  Sending out a deep space probe with directions back to Earth was the stupidest thing Carl Sagan ever did, barring Contact.”

Hawking went on to describe Jodie Foster’s performance as “appalling.”

Hawking is also calling for world leaders to consider a preemptive attack on all known class M planets.  When our own Cokie Mcgrath pointed out how the Class M planet is a fictional Star Trek reference, Hawking drove his wheelchair repeatedly over her toes. Earlier today, Netflix leaked Hawking’s movie rental list, which included a number of fifties sci-fi invasion movie classics.

Hawking denies the films influenced his opinion, before saying, “They’re already among us! Keep looking up!” and, “It’s a cookbook!”

Hawking believes an actual alien encounter would be similar to the movie Mars Attacks–a film Hawking believes has “an eerie almost prophetic realism,” but he warned, “don’t count on Slim Whitman’s yodeling to save us.”

Hawking then quoted an interstellar version of Cheney’s One Percent Doctrine, “If there’s even a one percent chance the aliens have an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator, as seen on Bugs Bunny, we should blast the shit out of ‘em.”