Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Discord Declares October 31st Egg a Radical Muslim Cleric Day

Pierce Winslow

Philadelphia, PA—Earlier today, CEO Pierce Winslow discussed with the press The Daily Discord’s plans to strike several radical Imams with raw eggs this Halloween.  His e-zine has come under considerable scrutiny lately for what some are calling “pathetic attempts at publicity.” After Winslow explained the intricacies of Operation Trick or Trick, the Ghetto Shaman stepped up to the podium and called for the belittling of Yemen’s Imam, Al->Awlaki.

He then recited a variation of Churchill’s speech, “We shall egg them on the beaches, we shall egg them in the pubs and in the bars, we shall never soufflender!”

No one laughed, however, as the Shaman grumbled off.

Other targets have been identified as, “That asshole calling for war with America if that other asshole burns the Koran, any Imams threatening bloggers or cartoonists, and that guy from Honesdale that keeps calling my wife.”

When asked about egging random Mosques, Winslow said, “Absolutely not!  This is an asshole-specific-event (ASE), and it must be limited to truly radical Imams, not controversial Imams.  Anyone on Fox News with an IQ could be deemed controversial.”

Winslow compared the upcoming activity to December 7th, when, to honor the attack on Pearl Harbor, the Discord gang eggs all the area’s Mitsubishi dealers.

“It’s part of our own Zero Zero Tolerance Law,” added Winslow with a wink.

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Ask The Ghetto Shaman

Dearest Ghetto Shaman,

My apologies, but I must disengage from our relationship. My Laurel is withering in the canyon from your lack of attention. Without your spiritual enrichment to fertilize my canyon, I must find satisfaction elsewhere. I am moving to Vegas, perhaps Bald Tony’s Rhythmic Séance (BTRS) can bring forth the Genie in my bottle.

A regretful goodbye, your “little flower”.

Laurel Canyon

Dear Laurel,

Hey, I may not be the sharpest shaman in the sweat lodge, but I think your email is a tad suggestive.  Sorry, but that was all just pillow talk, baby.  You still have an open invitation to hit my contact button any time.

The Ghetto Shaman

P.S.  Just not tonight, I’ll be masturbating to Christine O’Donnell ads

Against My Doctor and My Lawyers Advice, I Have Taken Glenn Beck’s 40/40 Challenge

Mick Zano

I want to believe Glenn Beck

What about Beck? Glenn Beck is an enigma to me, much like algebra. He extrapolates to the point of absurdity; yet, there’s something to be said for this pseudo-intellectual Mr. Magoo from hell. Beck must regularly trip on substances even the Ghetto Shaman can’t get his grubby little hands on, but I’m still not ready to dismiss everything he says.

The problem is that we seek out the least common denominator when choosing our news and information sources. We never want things explained to us by someone who studied a particular topic their whole life. Because “elitism” is now deemed suspect, we’d rather listen to some guy—who desperately needs to get back on his medications—rant about something he knows little about. (Er, I know what you’re thinking, but keep reading this post, anyway.)

I think this is at the heart of why I despise Fox News. Yes, it’s true that shit is really going wrong these days. But why would I take these shameless morons’ word for anything at this point? Even the Crank has valid points, but where does corporate interest end and reality begin? Fox has been discredited to the point of absurdity (or, in this case, Discordity). The interesting thing is that few of us have noticed.  Example, just because I have some liberal views, it doesn’t mean I want Michael Moore championing them. 

As bad as our commander and communist gets, the story of our time remains, “Wow, people believed some really stupid shit in 2010.” And then the history teacher is going to remind the class, “The funny thing is, kids, this all happened right before the legalization of marijuana. Now everyone take a hit from your bowl and turn to page 227.” 

No matter how long the Tea Party movement steeps in this steaming cauldron of freedom, it’s still mostly bullshit. But I have always given Glenn Beck some credit for at least acknowledging the fact that government is officially broken (even when he was back on CNN). I have been able to decipher little else since, however. I can easily spot when the chalkboard dust gets to him—that point when logic quietly slips out of the studio, climbs into a limo, and high-tails it out of there. But sometimes, just sometimes, there are kernels of truth mixed in with his popcorn bucket of paranoid prognostication (PBPP).  

Last week on Hannity, SNL comedian Jim Brewer said, “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

The only thing he left out was, “And Sean, you are a big part of the problem.”

Once again, a comedian shows more insight than our pundits, politicians, and journalists. The problem of our time is that information—truth itself—has been hijacked. This is why I was surprised to hear fellow Discordian Pokey “I-only-listen-to-AM-radio” McDooris say how clearly he is seeing things politically, nowadays. Ahhh, Pokey, this is a time of great ambiguity. Sorry you didn’t get the memo. (Hint: You need a mailbox first.)

Last week, Beck asked viewers to commit to his latest hair-brained scheme—the “40/40” challenge—which is designed to restore, faith, hope, and charity over the course of 40 days and 40 nights. I guess he chose this time frame because it only took God 40 days to completely wreck the place. Beck is betting he can top that shit.

One of the points of high comedy in last week’s episode eluded Mr. Beck completely. Someone sent him a Moses-style staff that he was fawning over for the entire episode.

He actually remarked, “I tell my staff all the time…blah, blah, blah.”

He meant his coworkers, but he said this while stroking his wooden staff (which Christine O’Donnell would not approve of).

So after the show, I dutifully went to GlennBeck.com to find out where I can stroke my own staff (hint: there are better sites for that). Once there, I decided that I was going to take this challenge of his in earnest. Of course, I should have read this crap before I committed myself, but hindsight is always 40/40.

From the Beck files:

Step 1: If you want to have a firm reliance on divine providence, the first question you have to ask yourself is, “Does God exist, and do I know him?” (The question mark and quotation marks are mine; Glenn was apparently out. I think I added an “is” in there somewhere too. I know, I know; we’re the last group that should be making fun of grammatical errors—but I’m willing to bet Fox’s editing staff is slightly better financed than our team. And when I say team, I mean me and a six-pack.)

Step 1: Done. Here is my answer:

Mick Zano, a friend of God

Step 2: This involves understanding who I am to him (God). “The reason you have to answer this question is because it will empower you. It will also humble you at the same time. It’s a very interesting relationship when you recognize who you are. You are his literal son or daughter. He is your dad.”

Step 2: Done. Here is my answer:

Mick Zano, a son of God

Step 3: I could not tease out step #3 from the mountains of madness. I really tried, but the guy’s kind of bonkers—in other words, his civics class doesn’t quite make it to the final.

So, I’m asking all of you to take the Zano Challenge. Go to GlennBeck.com, click “Take the Challenge” and try to find the third step. It’s not there. I looked. I can’t find it. I guess I have to have faith that on a good day, Glenn Beck can count to 4. I think if I clicked on “Make the Pledge 40/40” I would get Step 3, but if I stay on this site any longer I could lose my lunch. 

Back in the “Take the Challenge” section, well, there are these two paragraphs between Step 1 and Step 3. I’m not really recommending you read this. But if you happen to be mind-numblingly bored one day and you’re into the sheer masochistic fundamentalism (SMF) of it all, give it a whirl. (Note: SMF affects 1 in 5 Americans. The condition is treatable with meditation.)  

Back to the elusive Step 3. Go for it, if you feel lucky. Well, do ya’? If not, skip the Beck part and resume with your regular program already in progressive:

“You know, somebody said to me the other day, I was with I was actually with a rabbi the other day, and I had dinner with him and we were talking about things and he said you know what, Glenn, you know what people forget sometimes? He said, and I think you’ve forgotten it in your case with your health. He said, I’ve heard you say several times that you know it will all be fine and whatever God’s will is it will teach you and lead you to a better place, and I said yes. And he said, what is the one thing that you like to hear from your kids and it makes you it’s just something that they say that you know that you’ve done a good job. And I said, I don’t I mean, besides the obvious ones, I don’t know. And he said, Daddy, come here; I need your help. Remember, God needs to hear that.

The very next day I’m talking to another person who is very spiritual in their life and we were talking about something entirely different. She said, you know, I just heard a talk yesterday. She said, I just have to tell you, Glenn. She said, she said it was this lady who was talking about herself. And she said, you know, I can’t do it, I can’t make it. You know, I’m just stupid, or whatever it was. And she said, the other woman who is a spiritual giant said, tell me about your daughter. And the woman started to glow. And she said, what would you say if your daughter said those things? And she said, oh, well, she wouldn’t say those things because she’s not that way. And she said, she’s just so smart and she’s just so great, and she would be wrong and I would tell her that. She said, at your desk do you have a picture of your daughter? And she said, no, but I keep a picture of my daughter on my dresser at home. And in sage advice the woman said back to her, just remember that God has a picture of you, his daughter, on his dresser. And he thinks the same way about you that you feel about your daughter. Who am I to him? It’s humbling and empowering at the same time. And it also helps you have firm reliance on divine on the protection of divine providence because dad loves his children, dad protects his children. Know that the kind of protection he offers is eternal in nature, and it’s the best kind.”

The third step is in there somewhere. If you find it, please contact me by hitting the Contact Us button and making contact. You must find it in these two paragraphs, hitting the “Make the Pledge 40/40” doesn’t count. If you can’t find it within 40 days, don’t bother—my obligation to Mr. Beck will be over by then. At that time, all of our coastal cities will have flooded, or I will be parked outside of Mr. Beck’s home with an AK-47. I’m sure it’s one of the two.

Step 3: Done. Here is my answer:

Mick Zano prays to Cthulhu

Since I had no guidance, I decided Step 3 was to pray to Cthulhu.

Step 4: And the last step on that first part of the 40-day and 40-night challenge is pray on your knees once a day. Done. Now simply rinse, lather, and repeat for 39 more days. But if you act now, we’ll throw in four more steps at no additional charge!

I kid Mr. Beck, but I have more respect for him than most of the Foxeteers (which still isn’t saying much.) But there is an honesty and a sincerity in Beck that is often lacking in his colleagues. There’s a genuine desire to help somewhere in that delusional head of his. It’s not all a shtick; he’s really that goofy. At least he’s trying to get people to do their own research. He thinks information is being tampered with, so he shares some views with yours truly. He even questions himself sometimes, and wonders if what he is doing is even helping. Wow, for a Foxeteer, that’s astounding. I am pleased to see a hint of authenticity under all of those blubbering extrapolations.  

What Beck is also doing right is an attempt to clean up his own level of consciousness. He wants the best version of fundamentalism. Community, ethnocentricity, shared values, and nationalism are all very important to move the realms of developmental psychology forward. The problem remains that it often becomes too rigid and closed-off, and has the tendency to embrace an “us-versus-them” mentality. 

Now, I don’t want too many of my faithful readers (both of you) losing any sleep over this 40/40 thing, but some of Beck’s other shows are worth at least a critique. We need someone to decipher what he is saying and translate the goofi-nese into English. He is accusing Obama of being the New World Order progressive anti-Christ (NWOPAC). This stuff needs to be addressed! Part of it, albeit a small part, seems to ring true. There are some flavor crystals of truthiness sprinkled into his Kool-Aid from hell.

So here’s my solution: I want my own Great American Panel to address some of Beck’s historic claims. I want Andrew Sullivan, Fareed Zakaria, Christopher Hitchens, and Ken Wilber to study the string of nonsensical statements espoused by Beck, and then tell me where he actually makes a point and where he errs. I know, I know; my panel is composed of smart people and independent thinkers, but that’s OK. Let’s just hear what they have to say before we tar and Foxer them. If necessary, we can always filter their findings through the “more-than-two-syllables” machine. The point is, there’s a point in there, somewhere. And unless I can get a hold of some of the Ghetto Shaman’s Amazonian roots, I can’t make heads or tails of this shit.

Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer

Backyard Beer Summit: Obama Meets Jon Stewart and CNN’s Rick Sanchez over Beer

Washington, DC—Perturbed by recent events, President Obama called for another of his highly-hyped Beer Summits.  This time our Head of Suds met with comedian Jon Stewart and news correspondent, Rick Sanchez, to mend some fences.  Sanchez recently lost his job, anchoring at CNN, after claiming Stewart is a “bigot” and for claiming “Jews are hardly a repressed minority.” Meanwhile, Jon Stewart hasn’t warmed up to any of Obama’s summits and is making fun of them regularly on The Daily Show.  

The administration considered calling it Beer Summit! Part Deux and, for some reason, Breakin’ 2: Eclectic Brewgaloo, but, due to the historic importance, Obama combined the best of his Beer Summits and his Backyard Summits and went with Backyard Beer Summit.

“This close to the mid-term elections I need my media commentators back on message,” said Obama. “And that’s when I have Michelle hit the old Pay & Take for 40oz cans of malty diplomacy.”

The summit started off on a rocky note, however, when Sanchez said, “Sorry, Jon, I know deep down you’re really not a Jew.”

Stewart responded, “Why don’t you go taze yourself again, bro?”

A fight ensued between the three which the Secret Service thankfully captured on their cell phones.  As it turns out, the initial argument between Sanchez and Stewart was a misunderstanding.  Sanchez thought the word bigot meant: gay, a ciggie or a bundle of sticks.

“It was terrible to see,” said our Chief White House Correspondent, Cokie McGrath.  “I haven’t seen that much beer abuse since The Ghetto Shaman’s ejection from the Luxor.”

Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Pictures of Discord’s D.C. Mall Rally Doctored?

Philadelphia, PA—The allegations are flying today as the popular e-zine, The Daily Discord, falls under increasing scrutiny over what many are calling a clear foul.  The controversy is centered around an image depicted on the Discord’s October 5th coverage of their recent “I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit” rally.  The image makes it appear like more people attended the rally than actually did.  It’s a technique known to PhotoShopsters as the Bachman Effect—used by Fox News to make impotent rallies seem a bit more rallyier (rallyier is a word, by the way, we checked with the Bard of Wasilla herself).

CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is denying allegations that his staffers doctored the photo for the purpose of furthering his nefarious agenda.

“It’s preposterous!” yelled Winslow at reporters outside of his suburban Philly home. “Nothing about that photo says doctored to me, and I oughtta know.”

A reporter pointed out how, if you look closely enough at the image, some identical people actually appear on both sides of the reflecting pond.

“It’s a reflecting pond!” shouted Winslow.  “It’s what reflecting ponds do!  I can assure you the image we snatched illegally from Google Images has not been tampered with in any way.  We have Elements, the cheaper, watered-down version of PhotoShop, which is set to expire if we don’t figure out how to register the software.”

“How could we keep a conspiracy this big a secret,” said Discord contributor, Mick Zano.  “Too many people would need to know.  Now I admit I did originally suggest they make the Washington Monument into a big penis with a Santa Claus cap on it, but increasing the crowd, never!”

Discord’s “I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit” Rally Flops

Discord’s "I’m Having a Hard Time Giving a Shit" Rally Flops

Washington, DC—In an attempt to capture some of the energy from Beck’s Restoring Honor rally, the more recent One Nation rally, and the upcoming Colbert/Stewart debacle, the Daily Discord mobilized like never before.  The National Mall in Washington remained virtually empty this Saturday, however, as Mick Zano stumbled up to the podium and shouted into a megaphone.

“The people who knocked down these buildings are going to hear from all of us soon!”

He then burned a copy of Duran Duran’s Rio album, yelling, “Where is everyone?  We have nearly 400 hundred Facebook fans!”

When it was clear Zano was failing to reach any of the 12-14 people within earshot, the Ghetto Shaman took to the stage.

“I have a dream…it involves snakes, jaguars, and Mayan hookers!”

This had the desired effect.  Several people wandered over to the Lincoln Memorial, where the Ghetto Shaman proceeded to do something exceedingly obscene with a string of chicken bones.  This heinous act, and/or the lack of necessary permits, promptly ended the event. 

“We underestimated the apathy in our massive inaction-based movement,” said CEO Pierce Winslow. “But many were with us in spirit—just not in person.  We probably connected to countless other people who don’t really give a shit either.  It’s just impossible to know for sure.”

“This is a grass & roots movement like no other,” said the Ghetto Shaman on the police report.

By ‘grass’ we can only assume this is a Prop 19 reference, and by ‘roots’ many are betting on Ayahuasca  or Ibogaine.

“This is precisely why my Seven Deadly Sins Festival only lasted six days,” said the Shaman.  “We never did get around to organizing Sloth Day.

Ghost Scooter Haunts Northern England

Ghost Scooter Haunts Northern England

West Yorkshire, ENG-To the delight of spoof news enthusiasts everywhere, the owner of the Segway Co. died in an accident involving a souped-up version of a Segway scooter.  On 9/26 an English bobby spotted the 62-year old exec, James Heselden, heading for a makeshift ramp along the River Wharfe.

“I did the whole stop or I’ll say stop again number,” said Police Constable, Nigel Higgins. “but the man seemed intent on jumping the river.”

After the body was pulled from the water, the police found Heselden clad in a skin-tight, spandex body suit sporting the colors of the Union Jack.

“The modifications to the scooter were extensive,” said Higgins. “He added some fuzzy dice, flaming decals, and even an 8-track player.”

Sources indicate Heselden was distraught because of his company’s inability to live up to its mission statement “a scooter in every pot.”  A number of locals have since reported strange occurrences in and around the area. A young couple witnessed a similarly clad gentleman making obscene gestures by the river’s edge.  Another man claims a phantom scooter “lurking in the shadows” followed him home.  And nearly a dozen others have reported hearing the haunting sound of a 50cc two stroke scooter engine puttering into the mists.

“Sometimes in their darkest hour people see what they most want to see,” said Higgins.  “Other times it’s just the usual PRAs (Pub Related Anomalies).”

Dear fans,

I am sorry the Daily Discord was unable to use the Segway piece as a proper segue into something funnier.  It would have done Mr. Heselden’s memory a great service.  Unfortunately, my staff is becoming increasingly incompetent.   No easy trick when one considers where they started.

Sincerely,

Pierce Xavier Winslow, CEO