Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Top Ten Worst Documentaries Of All Time

  1. Southwest Airline’s Great Baggage Screening Outtakes Reel
  2. Going Up? The Musak Story
  3. The Accidental Martyr (starring Abdul “I strapped on what?” Rahman)
  4. Interview With the Narcolept
  5. Finland: Frozen Shitcicle of Europe
  6. Ventriloquism for Dummies
  7. The Unedited Joe Biden Story (87 min intro by Bill Clinton)
  8. The Making of the Making of: My Big Day at the DMV (director’s cut)
  9. Family Trips on a Dollar’s worth of Gas (5 minutes of fun in the SUV)
  10. Raising Camel Spiders as Pets (spider holes can conceal your most precious belongings)

Worst Rock Solo Careers of All Time

  1. David Lee Roth (Hello Yankee Rose—Goodbye Diamond Dave!)
  2. Art Garfunkle (Hello silence my old friend)
  3. Oats of Hall & Oats: (The Just Oats Tour)
  4. Roger Daltry (Who?)
  5. Syd Barret (He’s dead now, so we can start the healing process)
  6. Glenn Frey of the Eagles (and as for you, Don, it’s always been about Joe. But good luck with that rainforest thing)
  7. We may be going out on a limb here, but Jimi Hendrix was nothing w/o The Experience
  8. Animal from the Muppets (pre rehab)
  9. Vince Neil of Motley Crue (although he did have a single on the Encino Man soundtrack)
  10. Did we mention the Just Oats Tour?

OK, OK, we made up the Oats one, but it’s plausible.

Cloning of Japanese Chia Pet Condemned as ‘Abomination’ by local Sea Monkeys

It’s been a long week and I still haven’t gotten to the bank or post office, so could you please use your imagination a little bit? Humor me. Think about how oriental Chia Pets would react to the unethical cloning of those freaky childhood monkey-brine thingies from our childhoods.  I wanted a decoder ring.  They sounded cool.  Sea monkeys were OK, I suppose, but there was nothing really monkey-like about them.

Fox’s Tentative Fall Line-Up

  1. Survivor Tijuana: Anyone who makes it all night without a tattoo or an S.T.D. wins passage back to U.S.
  2. Coyote for a Day: contestants are tested on how many illegals they can sneak over the border.
  3. Pimp my Fridge Carton: The show that proves you don’t have to live in a house to have bling.
  4. The Ultimate FOX News Experience: short skirts, tight shirts, big boobs, blond hair, no sound.
  5. Trading Spaces-Incarceration Edition: How well can inmates decorate each others cells?
  6. C.S.I West Virginia: can’t check dental records, no one has seen a dentist in decades. DNA? No good here, 3 million people, 6 last names.
  7. Liberal Survivor: Seven Pacifists Stranded on an Island with Ann Coulter: Only one will leave.
  8. SADtv: Stooges Against Democrats: the FOX News All-Stars
  9. The Limpsons: When Even Viagra Doesn’t Cut It
  10. Boston Public Works: see how much money you can skim off Boston public works projects.

Bones of Ancient "Real" Republican Unearthed

Archeologist discovers the fossilized remains of a traditional George Will-like conservative dating back to the pre-Reagan administration.

"This exciting find could provide key evidence for the comparative study of Republican de-evolution," claims archeologist Sterling Hogbein of the Hogbein Institute and Microbrewery. "The skull is 31% larger than today’s social conservative," continues Hogbein, "and the pelvic bone suggests a much larger and heavier scrotal sack."

Newer conservatives seem to have lost the ability to use tools, keep governments small, and maintain even a rudimentary budget.

"Perhaps," posits Hogbein, "evolution is getting even with the non-believers."

Virgin Contracts VD: Hailed as Immaculate Infection

Despite the fact that 17 year old Becky Forrest of Clifton, NJ tested positive for Chlamydia and HPV at her July physical examination, she is maintaining her chastity. “It’s been challenging to earn crack money and keep my abstinence pledge,” says Becky.  Her mother Greta Forrest couldn’t be prouder, “I believe her.  Aside from selling most of our belongings for drug money, she’s an angel.”  Becky’s mother beamed at the doctor’s report with an unparallel level of motherly denial.  “There’s the hand of god at work here…or certainly some part of god.”

Ahmadinejad Denies Last Name is Long, Confusing

US diplomats are urging Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to simplify his last name, or change it outright.  “Something needs to be done for the sake of both diplomacy and locution,” says Discord’s Chief White House Correspondent Cokie McGrath.  Even President Bush himself told Ahmadinejad, “Remember those twenty six words that never should have been said during that infamous State of the Union Address?  Well, you’re name is longer.”  Iranian operatives suggest the Iranian President might be willing to drop the “jad” off the end in exchange for weapons technology.