Dr. Zaius, Minister of Science, has charged the Obama Administration with gross budgetary negligence. He believes the failure to address the serious monetary concerns facing the global financial system at this critical juncture in history comes with dire consequences for mankind.

“With the increasing likelihood of the collapse of the U.S. dollar, only cutting discretionary spending is absurd! This is precisely the moment when humanity allows apes to become the dominant species on the planet,” warns Zaius. 

Dr. Zaius is calling for Obama and his key aides to be led to the edge of the Forbidden Zone and banished forever into the wasteland.  Zaius came to the decision after strongly considering the option to have them sent Beneath the Planet of the Apes—a plan that posed logistical difficulties, not the least of which involves the laws of physics. Dr. Zaius called for those exiled to be castrated, but chimps and gorillas outvoted orangutans 2 to 1 prohibiting the barbaric procedure. 

To prepare for the coming apocalypse the Zaius suggests burying the Statue of Liberty up to her chest in sand.

And, in related news, Dr. Cornelius and Dr. Zira have been arrested on heresy charges for supporting the U.S. treasury’s recent activity.

Geneva, SZ—The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is under siege at this hour. Spurred on by events in Tunisia and Egypt, billions and billions of subatomic particles have gathered outside the facility to protest the murder and unfair treatment of subatomic life. Many even blame the accelerator’s initial technical problems on such miniscule dissidents.  One con-CERN-ing possibility involves the offspring of a futuristic subatomic particle actually going back in time to sabotage the collider.  More on the Terminator Particle theory here.

“How would you like to be chilled to near absolute zero, hurled through a circular tube, and then smashed  into one of your family members at near light-speeds?!” said a neutrino, who chose to remain unstable. “Mad scientists forced my own mother into an accelerator and for what, to discover some plasma like pre-matter?  Is that really worth the loss of subatomic life?”

Spanning across the width of a pinhead, protestors at LHC hoisted tiny signs that read Life Begins in our Interstellar Nurseries and Star Stuff is People Too.  One quark had a sign that read Don’t Tread on Me or Bombard Me at Near Light Speeds, MFs!  Some even compared NASA’s head, Charles Bolden, to Hitler. 

“It’s bad enough we have to worry about beta decay and gamma emissions, but be sacrificed to the research gods?!” lamented one lepton. “If they don’t close this bitch down, we’re going to decay it brick by brick. Remember, we out number you 10^{100000000000000000000000} to one.  Did I mention my family has connections to dark matter?”

Brooklyn, NY—You’ve heard of No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn?  Well, one Brooklyn couple is saying no sleeping together ‘til the male adorns the elk antlers and the woman completes the ovulation chant with a gefilte fish draped over her shoulder.  The Maranuchi’s of Canarsie have resorted to such practices after Fran Maranuchi failed to conceive after three months of what Tony Maranuchi describes as “arduous schtupping.”

“We were out of options,” said Tony.  “We don’t want people to think this was the first thing we tried, or nothin’.”

Distraught, Fran turned her sights to the past. 

“There’s just so much that ancestral knowledge can teach us. For instance, I had no idea ripping out the still beating heart of a virgin can appease the God of the Harvest for an entire growing season.”

At first Mrs. Maranuchi tried running naked through the fields singing the ‘Seed me Earth Mother’ song.

“But you’d be surprised how few fields we have here in Canarsie,” said Fran.

Then Mr. Maranuchi tried carving a bull horn into a Cretan phallus symbol, while rubbing his manhood with a prepared musk seed oil.

“I know symbolic sexual acts with figurines and incense sounds a little weird, but…”

Mr. Maranuchi never finished that sentence.  

In other news: the body of a young woman was found in Canarsie earlier today.  Her heart was ripped from her chest and her remains were positioned in what appears to be an ancient pagan sacrifice to the God of the Harvest.

Hogwarts, ?—The Muggle protestors turned increasingly violent this week outside of Hogwarts School of Wizardry.  Despite two weeks of protesting, the school’s headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, refuses to relinquish command.  The entire grounds are full of thousands of angry Muggles—with the exception of one area where a particularly menacing tree has already claimed the lives of several protestors.

Muggles, or non magical folk, have been gathering in ever greater numbers to voice their discontent with all things magical.  Sparked by the uprisings in Tunisia and Egypt, ordinary people from all over have ramped up their demonstrations against the school, a place deemed the epicenter of all enchantments.

Known to some as the Stalin of Sorcery, Dumbledore is considered a despotic demon, a tyrannical thaumatist, and several other impressive synonyms by these amassing, thesaurus-savvy revolutionaries.

One woman carried a sign reading, “I should be head of the Ministry of Muggles!” Another had a sign equating Dumbledore with Hitler, while still others were burning an effigy of R.K. Rowling.

Dumbledore addressed the press today: “Whereas it is normally forbidden to use magic in the presence of Muggles, this time I am prepared to make an exception.”

Dumbledore has given the crowd until midnight tonight to disperse or he is releasing the Dementors.

The Discord’s own Cokie McGrath has not been seen since her attempt to interview one of the said Dementors.