Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Pope Tells Altar Boys to “Get the Flock Out of Here”

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Pope Tells Altar Boys to "Get the Flock Out of Here"

Vatican, Rome—Pope Benedict, The Whatsas, astounded everyone today by announcing that altar boys will no longer be used throughout Catholicism.  From this day forward, the Vatican plans to employ only altar girls.

“Since our priests can’t seem to be trusted to keep their hands off the testaments of little boys, we had little choice,” said the Pope. “A recent internal survey found that young ladies are much safer from abuse around our current spokesmen of God.”

Pope Eggs Benedict explained his gaffe as simply an attempt at jocularity.

 “You’re supposed to start off with a joke, right?  Heh, heh.  But we certainly don’t want altar boys out of the flock entirely, especially with business as bad as it is and all.”

Alex Bone believes the serpent god,Yig, is much safer around children than Christian priests, “Besides, Yig can only swallow one child at a time.”

Republicans point out this could save the taxpayers countless therapy dollars, so they, bi and large, support the One Child’s Engulfed Behind Program.
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Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called

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Being a Fox News Contributor: Few are Chosen, Fewer Still are Called

New York, NY-A Fox News contributor is a prestigious gig.  Reporting to a studio when called and then being consistently wrong on any number of topics sounds easy—landing the job is anything but.  War crimes seem to be a good resume booster, so Oliver North has some job security for his part in the Iran Contra scandal.  Anyone named ‘Bush’s Brain’ and the ‘architect’ from 2001-2009 is a safe bet, eh Karl? Jail time for white collar crimes or impeachable offenses is always good in a pinch.

“We can’t wait until the Hammer’s paroled,” said Fox head, Rupert Murdoch, “and as for Jared Loughner, I’ve seen his little campus videos; we will be watching his career with great interest.”

Murdoch feels Loughner, the Tucson shooter, may end up their Senior Tea Party Correspondent.

“Sure, the Tea Party is full of good, honest Americans, but they do tend to pick increasingly insane spokespeople,” said Murdoch.  “They’re on track for a Loughner.  He’s a gun rights advocate and he’s already taken out some Democrats.  In the future, they’ll call that 2 for 2.”

The big question remains is Glenn Beck blowing his chances?  There’s only one prominent correspondent who got where he is today solely by inaccuracy: William Krystol, of Weekly Standard fame.  Krystol has made a career on bad predictions and faulty logic, but Beck already has some missteps in this area.  He was right about the upcoming financial crisis, long ago, and continues to point out the un-sustainability of some U.S. programs and pensions.  Sure, he’s been completely bat shit for the last few years, but is it too little too late?

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Environmentalists Reintroduce Liberals Into Several Mississippi Cities

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Environmentalists Reintroduce Liberals into Several Mississippi Cities

Starkville, MS—The Foresters of Boston, MA were successfully relocated to a rural Mississippi community last month as part of a national effort to reintroduce the liberal species into areas where they are all but extinct.  Thus far billions of stimulus dollars have been channeled into this important project.

“If conservative thought dominates an area, it aint pretty,” said Dr. Peter Gallagher, a social conservationist from Brown University. “The introduction of new ideas is important for the intellectual health of a region.”

Dr. Gallagher believes liberals raised in captivity can be safely released into the bush almost anywhere in the continental U.S. One exception is Alaska. Dr. Gallagher fears liberals would be hunted by helicopter by a certain former governor.

Libertarians argue that the radio tracking collars worn by those relocated is unconstitutional.

“It’s for their own safety,” argues Gallagher.  “Liberals are near extinct in Mississippi for a reason.  You send someone into Jackson with an I ♥ Nancy Pelosi T-shirt and you’re going to be cutting someone down from a tree.”

Thus far results of reintroduction have been mixed.

“We’re not expecting liberal thought to thrive in these areas, but we just don’t want it to die out completely.”

Conversely, trials are underway to extend the habitats of Tea Party activists into downtown San Francisco.

“These are generally safer moves, but thus far equally as ineffective,” said Gallagher.
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In Search of the “God Particle” LHC Finds Something Completely Different

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In Search of the "God Particle" LHC Finds Something Completely Different

Geneva, SW—LHC, the world’s largest high-energy particle accelerator, is back in the news again. After bombarding two particles at near light speeds earlier today, a flaming eye-like arc formed across one of the accelerator’s key detectors.

“This is completely unlike anything we’ve seen to date,” said senior research scientist, Lucas Taylor. “I think it’s safe to say our detector has, in fact, detected something.”

According to eyewitnesses, what really shocked everyone was when the fiery eye exclaimed, “You cannot hide! I see you. There is no life in the void, only death.”

“When quantum life attempts to communicate, it’s pretty momentous stuff,” said Taylor. “The voice seemed to come from inside our own heads which was, perhaps, the most fascinating part of the experience.”

When questioned about any potential danger to mankind, Taylor replied, “What can I say? Sometimes you go looking for the ‘God Particle’ and shit happens.”

Some are calling the apparition the Higgs-Sauron Particle, in honor of the dark sorcerer from J.R.R. Tolkien’s classic Lord of the Rings. Meanwhile, LHC administrators are maintaining that the atypical and combative personality changes running rampant through their ranks is “merely a coincidence.”

“Most of the workers have abandoned their duties in the last few hours and seem content to clearing the trees surrounding the facility,” said Taylor. “It’s apparently all for some insidious weapons-making-purpose.”

But Taylor reassured the media that LHC administrators are “looking into that.”
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Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup

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Desperate to Maintain Power Gaddafi Turns to Standup

Tripoli, LY—In what many are calling a “sad” and “pathetic” maneuver, Muammar Gaddafi made numerous calls to comedians this week for one last ditch effort to quell the masses.  Gaddafi then broadcast a seventeen minute comedy act to the entire nation of Libya on Thursday.

“Not watching the performance was a capital offense,” said a resident of Benghazi, “which, may have squelched some of the initial enthusiasm.”

The despot’s plan was to create the perfect standup routine to win back the hearts and minds of his people.  Granted, it was a feat made more difficult by strafing his own people with military jets the day before, but if anyone could pull it off, it was him.

Gaddafi opened his act with “I shot a protestor in my pajamas this morning.  How he got my pajamas, I don’t know,” and, “Firing missiles into crowds of my own people may seem heavy-handed, well excuuuuuuuuse meeeee!” 

He then, apparently, channeled Rodney Dangerfield by adding, “I don’t get no respect.”

There was no joke before or after his statement, he just kept repeating it.

At one point, Gaddafi actually stopped the act and said, “Have you all failed to notice the arrow that seemingly passes through my head?”

“He died out there,” said a once loyal tribal leader.  “There were long awkward pauses where he thought people would be laughing.  Didn’t anyone tell him there was no live audience?  Of course, if there had been, we would have rushed the stage…but not in the way he would have liked.  If he had only done something with a pie to the face, now that would have been something.”
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