Mick Zano

Mick Zano

Mick Zano is the Head Comedy Writer and co-founder of The Daily Discord. He is the Captain of team Search Truth Quest and is currently part of the Witness Protection Program. He is being strongly advised to stop talking any further about this, right now, and would like to add that he is in no way affiliated with the Gambinonali crime family.

Would be Raptured Couple “Just Having Sex”

Would be Raptured Couple "Just Having Sex"

Granby, CT—When Ezra Walker found two sets of clothing by the tool shed Saturday evening, she was convinced the owner of said clothes were “taken by God.”

“I had mixed feelings at the time,” said Ezra.  “Happy for my daughter and her boyfriend but sad for me.  I mean, who would help me fend off the zombie hordes?  The good book says the people left behind would need to deal with all that SyFy Channel stuff.  Then I heard someone saying, ‘oh God, oh god, oh God’ over by the tool shed. I wasn’t sure if it was rapture related or Zombie related.  I picked up my shovel just in case.”

Ezra eventually figured out what had transpired upon entering the shed.  But the police report states “Mr. Walker used the shovel on the head of his daughter’s boyfriend ‘to kill the head…like in the movies.’”

God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust

God’s Tornado Rapture Weekend a Bust

Heaven—God admits “mistakes were made” after He decided to use a series of tornado outbreaks to suck his ‘chosen people’ to paradise.  God is blaming some of Heaven’s bureaucratic procedures for the mess. 

“Nothing but red tape,” said God.  “The forms I have to fill out just to send one giant wave into a coastal city these days is me-damned ridiculous.  And, sure, raptures only happen one time per planet, but keep in mind there are a shitload of planets throughout the multi-verse.”

When questioned, God did not know the exact number “off the top of my head.”

When asked specifically about the use of tornadoes as the vehicle for rapture, God said, “I was trying to think of something special for Earth, but then the sheer amount of vortexes became hard to control.  You try controlling a herd of tornadoes, or is it a gaggle? Excessive moisture in the atmosphere didn’t help any.  (Expletive)-ing global warming!”

God admits some chosen people were left behind, while others were taken wrongly.

“We have a Jew up here now, and the last one of those I let sneak by was in the year zero, if you catch my meaning.”

Has God lost his omnipotent status?  God reports he has only lost his ‘deity status.’ Provided he makes no other mistakes for the next ten million years, he will be fully omnipotent once again with all rights, honors and privileges granted unto.

Attack Ad Goof: Tossed Real Old Lady from Cliff!

Attack Ad Goof: Tossed Real Old Lady from Cliff!

Washington, DC`—Mrs. Tuttle died on May 2nd after being flung from a cliff during the filming of an attack ad designed to embarrass Republicans.  The piece depicted a man, similar in appearance to Paul Ryan, wheeling an old lady to the edge of a precipice before hurling her to her death.  The ad was designed to scare the elderly into believing Republicans will end their Medicare.  Many are asking questions, such as, was this murder or simply gram-slaughter?   The Democratic National Committee is claiming they had no idea the actress had not been replaced by a dummy before plummeting to her death.

“She was very quiet,” said actor Bill Stevens.  “So we all thought they had made the switch.  In retrospect, maybe she was napping.”

The Democratic National Committee has released this statement, “If Republicans get their way, we’re going to have to get used to this sort of thing anyway, right?” said DNC head Rep. Wasserman Schultz.   “This could really drive the point home for many.  Speaking of points, although Mrs. Tuttle died from her injuries, we can all take some solace that she missed most of the really big pointy rocks on the way down.” 

A second statement, released an hour later, is a retraction of sorts, “The last statement does not represent the view of the DNC, but we would like to add that the woman in question was very old.”

The Huffington Post is defending the Dems decision to hurl the lady to her death.  “She’s very brave. She will be a true martyr for the cause!  It’s like if Rosa Parks didn’t move to the back of the bus but was instead thrown under it. Yeah, it’s kind of like that,” said Arianna Huffington.

Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday

Grandmother Still Holding Birther Meetup Group this Saturday

Gettysburg, PA—Iris Kleinmind is undaunted by the release of Obama’s full birth certificate.  Despite the latest proof, she plans to continue her Birther Meetup group at the Lincoln Diner on Saturday nights at 6:00 PM.  Mrs. Kleinmind’s social group started as a Tea Party Meetup, until they realized taxes were the lowest they’ve been in decades.  Glenn Beck then inspired the ladies to start a George Soros is Hitler Meetup group.

“But then we stopped understanding Mr. Beck, with or without our medications,” said Kleinmind, “so we went with a Kenya Boy was Raised in a Madrasah Meetup, which fizzled out quickly, I’m afraid.”

Kleinmind went on to say her Shutdown ACORN! Meetup was her personal favorite.

“When ACORN was finally shutdown we cheered and cheered….well, until NYC prosecutors cleared them of all criminal wrongdoing because the tapes were doctored.” 

When asked about her longest and shortest Meetup groups, she said, “The Death Panel Meetup group had a nice run, until we made the mistake of actually reading the House bill.  We never should have done that.  And the shortest was our Shirley Sherrod Sucks Meetup group, which only lasted until they released the rest of her speech the next day.”

A series of social Meetup blunders has left Kleinmind’s group more determined than ever.  She still believes, “The truther is out there!”  And, whereas she is saddened how Osama bin Laden’s death ended her Obama’s Soft on Terror Meetup, she is happy to announce her next idea: Obama Hates Israel our Closest Ally Meetup group.

“This one is a sure thing!” said Kleinmind.

Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences

Twisted Twister hits Adult Shoppe with Deadly-Hysterical Consequences

Findlay, OH—The small Toledo suburb of Findlay, a usually peaceful town, was assailed by a barrage of black and pink missiles after an FU twister (or is it F2?) hit the Johnny Cum Lately Boutique yesterday. A mass of dildos, whips, chains and lingerie blanketed the town during rush hour. Autoerotic asphyxiation was given a new meaning when a car and a gag landed on the chest of Peevis Petersen.

There’s also anger with the local newspaper’s decision to go with an alliterative headline, “Flying Fornication Toys of Findlay.”  This publication would never resort to such cheap attempts at humor. This reporter is not going to mention how Findlay is an actual Ohio town that has no business even having an adult shop in the first place.   

“This is not a joking matter,” said Debra Horner. “My home was demolished but with all the exotic debris, at least I was able to amuse myself all night at the shelter.”

Most stories didn’t have such a “happy ending.” Another victim, Clyde Millman, spent his last moments on earth dodging a barrage of pink and black missiles.

“He either died very happy or in sheer terror,” said coroner Dick Plassebo, who performed the autopsy. “I’m sure it’s one of the two.”

“Thank god for the blowup doll shipment the night before,” said the boutique’s manager, Squirrelly Nick, “or this would have been much, much worse.”

Alex Bone Discovered in Belly of Giant Crawdad!

Alex Bone Discovered in Belly of Giant Crawdad!

Collapsing Shack, AZ—In a story of biblical proportions, Alex Bone has put Jonah, Pinocchio, and Natalie Wood to shame.  The Discord contributor and Yig enthusiast, missing since early last month, was discovered living inside the stomach of a colossal Crawdad.

Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and liquor store, said, “Megadonulus Crawdaddyo was believed to be extinct for millions of beers. Yet this recent specimen discovered in Northern Arizona proves that we’re heading into a new age where dinosaurs will once again rule the Earth!”

When asked how Bone survived within a giant crayfish gullet for over a month, he replied, “The digestive acid was the most severe issue and I only escaped its effects by constructing a suit of armor from the small tails of the smaller crawdads—the monster’s primary diet. I sewed the tail shells together with my own hair, creating a kind of a crawmail©, which is also why I’m now bald… er, everywhere.”

Bone apparently only subsisted by ordering out each night for pizza or Chinese food.  He eventually escaped certain death by eating his own way out of the Crayfish.

“It wasn’t easy without butter,” said Bone, “but sometimes a man’s gotta chew, what a man’s gotta chew.”

He has since sworn to hunt the beast down as soon as he “gets a bigger boat.”

“These damn crawdads declared war on the ecosystem, so I declared war on them,” said Bone. “Then they declared war on me, so now I’m declaring war on them, Big Time!”

Mick Zano had this to say: “I hope someone offers a bounty for this creature, because Bone lost his job while he was in the guts of that retched thing. Now he’s crashing on my sofa and emptying my refrigerator, which is actually not that different from when he was employed. He even sucked the mold off the bottom of the crisper and, man, that guy can drink. And if he doesn’t get his fill, I have to hear about him sewing those inch long shells together again and again. And if I have to hear the part ‘when I was down to my pubic hair’ again…”

Zano has since offered his own bounty for the creature, in the hopes it will get Bone out of his house.

Bone has enlisted the aid of the famous hunter ‘Bearblooded Thompson’ in his quest to stop this rampaging crustacean monstrosity.

“Our only hope is to build a trap big enough to hold that thing. But where can we find something that size? Kirstie Alley has thus far refused to donate her underwire bras for the cause,” said Bone.

Dr. Hogbein believes “we are just beginning to discover how dangerous this crawdad menace is. As for the conspiracy behind the threat, I am inclined to blame Republicans, which is my default position.  Rolling back EPA standards, cutting park rangers, global warming, increased pollution…if we turn a blind eye to nature those Godzilla movies will just be the beginning!  Once the crawdads have their way with Mother Nature, there won’t be anything left to protect.  The world will become a barren wasteland, devoid of life, only fit for artificial golf courses and bombing ranges…aka, a conservative Nirvana.”

Giants Awarded Minority Status as Pants Impaired

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Washington, DC-It’s one giant step for pituitary problems as the Supreme Court agreed giant people are now deemed the Pants Impaired minority.   Success hasn’t been easy for this group as Congress recently rejected their Plane Seat Impaired minority status as well as their Doorway Disabled claim.  

“These damned hobbit designers want to carve the world into their own image no matter who they hurt along the way. My head is a phrenologist’s dream!” said one tall, bumpy-headed person.  “And Kevin Smith couldn’t get on a plane until he lost weight…what do you want me to do? Gnaw off my own feet at the shins?”

An advocacy group, Giants Against Stereotyping (GAS), has been fighting for giants’ rights ever since Zeus cast them out of Olympus.

The president of GAS had this to say, “You don’t know the horrors of ordering special pants! We certainly deserve a tax break for the hardship, the extra cost, and the endless basketball jokes.”

A very tall person indeed had this to say: “We’re not monsters, Yeti, Sasquatch, or anything else you damned puny, midget-dwarf Halfling sons-o-bitches want to call us!  And, yes, we find the New York football team and the San Francisco baseball team offensive. “

“It is hoped the new legislation will shut these freaks up for a while,” said an average sized congressman from the Midwest.